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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Why is she so upset I'm dating someone, even though she replaced me? ~  (Read 10697 times)
JRT
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« Reply #30 on: May 06, 2015, 10:51:40 AM »

 "You aren't dating anyone now, but you will eventually, and then you won't care about me."  And also, "your next girlfriend won't want you to talk to me, so that's why we can't be friends, either."  I'm supposed to hate her and move on and be happy with someone who is happy, not her.  [/quote]
To me, this absolutely screams, 'Tell me I'm wrong... .reassure me".

Your ex is incredibly self aware. Has she been diagnosed at all? Has she been to a T?
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« Reply #31 on: May 06, 2015, 12:59:34 PM »

I reassured her every single time she would put herself down like that, in whatever capacity.  Yet during EVERY push away phase, she would say it was only a matter of time before I dated someone else and thus we wouldn't be able to talk.  But then she would always find someone first, because she would attach to a loser guy who wanted a girlfriend, or she would take me back after a week max.  The last two breakups, the replacement was a co-worker she could easily switch her attachment to.  I think her deciding to push me away was always it's own separate decision - the replacement was so she wouldn't feel alone.  I do not think she chose the replacement over me.  I hope that makes sense.  But when she attaches to the replacement... .there is no shame or guilt (yet) so she sticks with him.  The infatuation phase.

It was a constant struggle to continuously tell her how amazing she was to me.  She would ask me several times a week if I still loved her, simply because I hadn't verbally TOLD her that in a little while.

She has never sought therapy, and dismissed it when I would even casually suggest it.  She would admit to being depressed and sometimes slightly suggest wanting to try antidepressants, but that was it.  Probably 98% of the time, according to her, life would be instantly and 100% better if she could just move away.  Never appreciating what she currently had, finding joy in that. It was always about what NEEDED to happen in order for her to be happy.  Again, the problem is, all she does is TALK about doing that.  No plan, other than saying she's going to get a job and move away.  Can't we all say that?

I have spoken with two therapists, one when I was replaced in 2013, and now with this current replacement, and I'm currently seeing her twice a month.  Upon hearing my story, both therapists with no suggestion told me my ex shows strong signs of BPD.  Neither dwelled on it for too long and turned the conversation back to me, which is why I go to therapy I suppose.  But TWO professionals "diagnosed" her based on my story (both said they would never officially say a diagnosis without talking to the person, of course).

JRT, you aren't the first person to say how self-aware my ex seems to be.  She has never been a vicious, acting out BPDer.  Her shame is on full display if you are one of the few people (I am one of them) she feels comfortable saying those things to.  I think her NYC friend who she has never met and texts endlessly is another.  Rent A Cop and her current work friends?  They may hear her moan and complain, but that's just the surface with her.  I doubt she gets very deep with them.

I currently sit here kind of numb.  It helps to discuss my ex here, and well, ideally we can be best friends and co-exist in a non romantic capacity someday.  But I guess I struggle with the idea that she has told me how much she misses me, yet off she goes with Mr. Replacement.  I need to remember BPD and what it does to someone who suffers from it.  I'm a trigger, through no fault of my own.  And well, she contacted me two weeks ago after fighting with my replacement about me.  I guess I shouldn't assume I'll have daily conversations with her anytime soon. 

I look at the girl I dated and she's still in my life, but I guess it's disappointing that she is just kind of *shrug* about it all, whether her job plays a part or not.  I said at the time of finding out about Rent A Cop replacement that all I wanted was for my ex to truthfully tell me she loves me and misses me.  She did.  And yet, I still feel hollow.  I'm still a work in progress.  I want her to turn a corner and realize I'm important in her life, but eh, I need to be patient. 
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« Reply #32 on: May 06, 2015, 04:32:09 PM »

A mild update:

I decided to test the waters and e-mailed her (more discreet than text so my Replacement won't see it pop up on her phone)  - casually mentioning I found a movie of hers that we couldn't find years ago when we lived together.  Not in a "do you want this back?" kind of way, more of a funny ha ha look what I found kind of way.  She replied within 10 minutes, and jokingly said I should take it to the used movie store and sell it for $2.00.  She also said she "hopes everything is going well in (My name)land."

I wrote back and said things are changing, but didn't elaborate.  She wrote back and said she wants to quit her job, but of course is "applying at places" without anything specific, as always.  I wrote back and told her my daughter's mother is moving away and we are having to rearrange our custody agreement as a result - which is true.  It was a slight way to let her know I'll be more available... .again, seeing if she bites.  She wrote back and did say "When is she moving?  Are you mad about it?"  so at least she is asking about MY life.  I'm not mentioning my personal life unless she asks.  She's acting like she's avoiding that topic, which makes sense when she was so upset about it the last time we talked.

Anyway, this is all within the last three hours.  She couldn't bring herself to answer me a couple of months ago.  I'm going to cool it for a bit.  But it's interesting how she will dialogue with me.  Just casual conversation.  She seems a little short and distant, but maybe it's because I expect more from e-mail.  If we were texting, it would seem fine.  If anything, I'm keeping the waters friendly for if and when she wants to talk, but I can't force her.
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JRT
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« Reply #33 on: May 06, 2015, 10:53:20 PM »



I currently sit here kind of numb.  It helps to discuss my ex here, and well, ideally we can be best friends and co-exist in a non romantic capacity someday.  But I guess I struggle with the idea that she has told me how much she misses me, yet off she goes with Mr. Replacement.  [/quote]
I wonder if it might be because that she believes that you are not single?

Your follow up post says a lot... .
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« Reply #34 on: May 11, 2015, 11:36:44 AM »

To update... .

My ex and I have continued to e-mail each other, although there has been no communication since Friday, she hasn't replied to me.  No big deal I guess.  I looked at her Instagram yesterday and she has deleted all but FOUR photos on her account.  She had about 140 beforehand.  She kept two photos of food, one of a coffee shop she took yesterday, and one of a bar she and I visited last year.  Quite random photos to NOT delete.  She deleted a photo of her and my replacement, too, it was part of the bunch she didn't keep.  I don't think there is trouble in paradise, but to delete 135 photos at once?  It's like she's having some sort of frazzled dissociation or something.  I have no idea how to explain it. 


The girl I have been seeing?  I went to the political fundraiser she was throwing on Friday.  I immediately felt out of place because I went as myself, and everyone there was part of some workers union or political action committee.  I'm just a dude, you know?  I tried talking to my girl, but she was obviously busy and running around, and I felt like, once again and as always, like I was imposing myself on her.  After about 20 minutes, I left. 

And I left by taking the stairs, as the registration table was very strategically placed right by the elevators.  It was some sort of comedy movie as I walked down 15 flights of stairs and opened a door to the hotel kitchen and slipped through a side exit.  I didn't say goodbye to her.  I felt bad, but man, I didn't want to be there, even with her in the room.  She did text me about an hour later, asking if I had left.  I said yes, and thanked her for inviting me.  Her response?  "Oh.  Well, okay."  That's one of the ONLY times she's shown any kind of emotional reaction to me.

I've decided that she isn't worth pursuing, as she is just too busy and occupied to fully commit to a relationship with me.  I don't want to be appointments on her calendar.   
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JRT
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« Reply #35 on: May 11, 2015, 12:04:41 PM »

I have been having equally as promising dating experiences. It has been like sitting across the table from an inanimate object, a speaker on a podium or a parade of red flags! It ain't easy... .

As for your ex, not sure what would motivate her delete all of those photos but I am sure that it was an emotional episode for her - I think that SOMETHING is on the way for you my friend. I know that mine doesn't seem to be interacting with her friends and family too much. Together with her weight gain, I'm thinking that she might have retracted from social life. I've considered that she is occupied with a replacement but she made time for social media when she and I were together... .Hmmmmmm... .
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ZeusRLX
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« Reply #36 on: May 11, 2015, 12:09:49 PM »

My ex has done this before - in 2013, she replaced me with a college classmate she had known for six days.  She wanted to remain friends.  I wanted to detach, so while I was still friendly with her, I started dating a girl a week later.  I told her I was seeing someone, and she called me, blubbering (legit) crying, saying we cannot talk as long as I'm seeing someone.  Well, we ended up back together (5th recycle) so I guess you can see how it ended up with that college guy.

There are BPD traits in her behavior such as playing the victim ("We can't talk since YOU are dating someone!" but if she's SOO happy with my replacement and putting photos all over Facebook, why is she so upset at me seeing someone else?

Why does she care?

Full disclosure - the relationship with the girl I have been seeing has fizzled, and eh, I'm okay with it.  I haven't heard from my ex since that contact two weeks ago, so she doesn't know.

I don't know if the why can be answered with any kind of a good explanation.

Most of what they do doesn't have a good explanation, they are just harming themselves and others around them.

But all I can say is this behavior is typical of BPD, I have seen it a million times.

Just another way to be controlling, manipulative, violate boundaries and want to have your cake and eat it too.
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« Reply #37 on: May 11, 2015, 01:13:47 PM »

JRT, I know she was out with her mother and sister yesterday (with it being Mother's Day, I assumed as much) and my replacement was NOT with them... .because I just looked at her mom's Facebook and she changed her profile photo to one with the three of them.  She's sitting in the back seat and took a selfie facing toward the front... .you can see my ex driving and her sister in the front passenger seat.  Mr. Replacement wasn't in the car.  And that's FINE - I'm sure he was with HIS mom yesterday.  But she deleted all of those photos when she was with her mom and sister... .again, it's completely perplexing to go through Instagram and do that so extensively.  Last night she had five photos and this morning she had four.  Which photo did she delete seemingly early this morning?  A photo of a cocktail.  It makes no sense.

Things could be fine with her and Rent A Cop, but at the same time, I don't just delete 140+ photos off of social media on a whim.  And keep only a few random ones.

Just another way to be controlling, manipulative, violate boundaries and want to have your cake and eat it too.

Zeus, my ex would constantly use the "having my cake" line when she would triangulate me and whoever my replacement was at the time.  And she, like in the "My BPDex broke contact after 2 months" topic, was quite self aware.  She would admit she was doing it, apologize profusely, say she felt terrible for hurting me... .but kept doing it until she knew I wouldn't leave her.  Then she dumped him and came back to me.  And she never talked about nor tried to change those behaviors.  Like JRT said, I feel like I'm watching a pot of water that has just been put on the stove top.  It will begin to simmer, then gradually roll to a boil, and then a recycle attempt will come.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But she hasn't shut me down like she did right when she started dating my replacement.  The door is open.
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« Reply #38 on: May 11, 2015, 01:28:27 PM »

Things could be fine with her and Rent A Cop, but at the same time, I don't just delete 140+ photos off of social media on a whim.  And keep only a few random ones.

I don't think that things are fine with her.
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« Reply #39 on: May 11, 2015, 04:17:45 PM »

4Years,

"My thought process was "she told me she wanted to be with me forever... .if she knows I'm pissed, she'll stop acting like this and straighten up."  I thought... .if she fears that abandonment so much, she will do whatever it takes to keep me.  The opposite happened."

That's a no win scenario---if you assert that your needs/wants be met, you're abandoned; if you just resign yourself to accept everything that comes your way then you're miserable. She put you into the position where those types of choices had to be made; keep that in mind. That responsibility lies with her.
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« Reply #40 on: May 11, 2015, 04:56:18 PM »

What's interesting is that when I'm dumped and replaced, all I want is to be back in that relationship - to have her again.  Well, after the last two recycles (I was replaced before each) within a couple of weeks I was back to being miserable, all of the pressures to please and soothe her.  Those feelings are what keep me from wanting her back.  I imagine it will be bliss, but after a short "re-infatuation" phase, it's back to loathing my time with her.

It's not so much wanting her back as it is wanting to know and see that she can't function without me.  That's why I want a recycle attempt - I guess that's why I want to be friends with her, too.  The codependent in me wants to be relied upon - but not too much.

I still haven't heard from her today.  Our e-mails back and forth weren't exactly hardcore chatting, so maybe she doesn't have much to say to me now, or at all.  I have no doubt that she would attempt a recycle with me or have a replacement for my replacement set up BEFORE breaking up with him, so I'm assuming all is well on that front.  But as you said JRT, something is off with her behaviors.
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« Reply #41 on: May 13, 2015, 07:09:19 PM »

I still haven't heard from my ex.  Oh well.  The other girl (one I was dating, then kind of wasn't) has been texting me quite frequently over the last couple of days.  I apologized to her for ducking out of her event last weekend (honestly it was a jerk move and I did feel bad regardless of how things have gone with her) and she has seemed to appreciate that.  I invited her out to a group thing this weekend (we worked together years ago and the gang is getting back together) and she accepted.  So maybe there is still a spark there.  She texted me last night about how she wants to work for Hillary Clinton's campaign.  Now, political opinions aside everyone!  But really, given her current position, she's pretty high profile in Democratic politics, and I can see it actually happening for her.  And I told her that.  And we talked back and forth about it.  I was astonished at how talkative (by text) she was. 

As an aside... .I have been periodically checking my replacement's Facebook profile.  He has virtually everything blocked on there, but I can see his friends list, and well, I've checked to see if my ex is no longer part of that - a sure sign of a breakup.  Well, she still was tonight, but amazingly... .he had 556 "friends" when I checked about a week ago. 

Tonight?  149.  He deleted/unfriended 407 people!  And I think we all know why he did.  Of course my ex is still on there, as are the 35 or so people they work with together.

I can remember when I found out my ex was dating him, I thought about what I would say to him if given the opportunity (hypothetically).  The very first thing that came to mind was ":)o you have a lot of friends?  Well, say goodbye to most of them!"  It looks like I was right.
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« Reply #42 on: May 13, 2015, 08:13:11 PM »

hey 4Years-

I think it was about 2 weeks ago that the new gal didn't return a text or something, and you were wondering if you'd ever hear from her again?  I apologize if that was someone else.

Excerpt
So maybe there is still a spark there.

Not that you asked for advice, but you can assume there's a spark if she's texting you a lot, and now you get to decide if you want to be her girlfriend, her therapist, or her man.  Instead of getting together with her at a group event, invite her over to make dinner at your place, just the two of you.  A date is a fun-filled opportunity for sex to happen, and that's tough in a group.  Also, don't text a lot with her, get her on the phone, set a definite date, and then don't communicate until then; it builds anticipation both ways, and if she doesn't keep the commitment you don't want to be with a girl like that anyway.  Developing a friendship and hoping it will develop into more doesn't work nearly as well as going after her as a man goes after a woman he's attracted to right from the beginning, unless of course you just want her as a friend of course.

Unsolicited I realize, but it came to mind.  Good luck man!
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« Reply #43 on: May 14, 2015, 08:58:36 AM »

I appreciate that, FHTH.  However, my priority isn't to get laid, it's to see how interested she truly is... .to draw SOME emotion out of her.  I think this group deal is a good opportunity for me to focus on other people (and other women in the group) to see if she reacts.  She's notorious for flaking out in these scenarios, however.  When it's one-on-one, she has never cancelled on me.  We shall see.

I mean, yes, eventually I'll want to have sex with her, and I'm not concerned about how it will go if we do, but at this time, I want to know if she's interested in ME.

I will say that dialoguing with her (and other people) has made me care less about what my ex is doing.  Seeing my replacement unfriend 407 people on Facebook at one time tells me she's up to her usually methods with him, too.  Sorry, buddy!
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« Reply #44 on: May 14, 2015, 09:52:17 AM »

Excerpt
I will say that dialoguing with her (and other people) has made me care less about what my ex is doing.

And that's a good thing!  Good for you man, moving forward, and it's probably validating that your replacement seems to be going down the same rabbit hole.

Yeah, I get it with the new gal, you've been looking for some kind of interest or initiative from her for a while.  Our styles differ, and lately I've been very direct, something I wasn't with my ex and it resulted in pain, so I've swung the other way; if I was totally direct with my ex we wouldn't have lasted a month.  To me, talking to other women to see how she reacts is indirect, and I'd opt for telling her she's gorgeous and expressing some vulnerability, and see if she reciprocates.  If not I'd say you know what?  I'm trying to get closer to you emotionally but it doesn't seem to me that you're reciprocating, and I wonder why.  And see what you get.  Being direct like that is masculine and women appreciate it sometimes, because feminine energy is to be less direct, plus it's a big time saver.  There's my two cents, apply or ignore, as needed.
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« Reply #45 on: May 14, 2015, 10:02:20 AM »

I will say that dialoguing with her (and other people) has made me care less about what my ex is doing.

And that's a good thing!  Good for you man, moving forward, and it's probably validating that your replacement seems to be going down the same rabbit hole.

Yeah, I get it with the new gal, you've been looking for some kind of interest or initiative from her for a while.  Our styles differ, and lately I've been very direct, something I wasn't with my ex and it resulted in pain, so I've swung the other way; if I was totally direct with my ex we wouldn't have lasted a month.  To me, talking to other women to see how she reacts is indirect, and I'd opt for telling her she's gorgeous and expressing some vulnerability, and see if she reciprocates.  If not I'd say you know what?  I'm trying to get closer to you emotionally but it doesn't seem to me that you're reciprocating, and I wonder why.  And see what you get.  Being direct like that is masculine and women appreciate it sometimes, because feminine energy is to be less direct, plus it's a big time saver.  There's my two cents, apply or ignore, as needed.

The last two breakups with my ex were when I called her out on her behavior, without mentioning BPD.  She felt shamed, and rather than work on herself, just pushed me away and replaced.  This new guy must be a good boy, because she hasn't responded to my last e-mail.  Him deleting all of those Facebook friends shows he's on the eggshells already.  I shouldn't be surprised given his wife dumped him and filed for divorce in February.  And there they were, the happy Facebook couple, just two weeks later.  He'll do anything to maintain what he has with her, and I doubt because of the breakup of his marriage that he has the balls to stand up for himself.  At some point, that has to become boring for my ex, right?  Or is that the perfect position for a BPDer to be in, with a lapdog partner?  My first replacement told her he loved her, and she bailed two weeks later.  It should be fun to see her try and triangulate me in the future.  The other two replacements were young naive college guys who wanted a girlfriend. 

My new girl?  I've told her several times how much she impresses me (I congratulate her regularly on her political achievements, including this week) and I repeatedly told her to try and go for a bigger political job.  She seems to appreciate that, but at the same time, it's like she cannot show it.  It's almost like she's embarrassed to be told how awesome and beautiful she is.  Maybe that's the root of her lack of emotion.  She's quite the bitter person and jaded at times.  Maybe she's not used to hearing from someone that she has value.  I mean, the political work is full of fake smiles and gratitude - maybe she assumes what I say is artificial, too?  Eh.
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« Reply #46 on: May 14, 2015, 11:24:37 AM »

Excerpt
The last two breakups with my ex were when I called her out on her behavior, without mentioning BPD.  She felt shamed, and rather than work on herself, just pushed me away and replaced.



Yes.  borderlines feel great shame, and there's a member here named Conundrum who says he never, ever shamed his ex, they were together for years, and he seems to have a very good understanding of the dynamic with a borderline.  I didn't know any of that then, and I was just calling her on her bullsht because it was bullsht, but I now realize I shamed her, and what that meant to her was I saw through her facade, didn't like what I saw, and would therefore leave her, the worst thing that can ever happen to a borderline, abandonment.  Oops.  But I don't regret it because the option would have been to tolerate her crap, which got very, very old.

Excerpt
My new girl?  I've told her several times how much she impresses me (I congratulate her regularly on her political achievements, including this week) and I repeatedly told her to try and go for a bigger political job.  She seems to appreciate that, but at the same time, it's like she cannot show it.  It's almost like she's embarrassed to be told how awesome and beautiful she is.  Maybe that's the root of her lack of emotion.  She's quite the bitter person and jaded at times.  Maybe she's not used to hearing from someone that she has value.  I mean, the political work is full of fake smiles and gratitude - maybe she assumes what I say is artificial, too?  Eh.

Different styles again, but to me telling someone they impress you is something you'd say to a work colleague or a friend.  If I was romantically interested in someone I'd tell her she's gorgeous and has a great ass.  That has to be said with tact and congruently as a gentleman, but no beating around the bush, and even though she may be embarrassed in the moment she'll still like it, and will be thinking of you plenty later.  Women appreciate strength and direction from a man, feminine energy isn't directed, and it's up to us to penetrate that bitterness and jadedness so she can feel feminine and free.  Is she turning to her masculine side and the political work to give herself value externally?
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« Reply #47 on: May 14, 2015, 09:30:26 PM »

Is she turning to her masculine side and the political work to give herself value externally?

That may be the case.  I can talk politics and her job with her, but when I compliment her, she seems to be surprised, even a bit taken aback that I'm telling her.  An example:  we went out to dinner on a weeknight and she showed up in a dress.  Right when I saw her I said "Wow!  You look amazing!"  She sheepishly said thanks, then said "I was doing work stuff today" - suggesting she dressed up for work and not for our date.  I know that wasn't the case, but she couldn't take a direct compliment without deflecting it with an excuse.

A couple of times when we have made out, I've grabbed her ass, and told her how nice it is.  Again, she said something like "An ass grab is always part of the making out process" or something to that effect - again, a "No big deal" kind of attitude.

Again, at this point, I'm trying to get her to warm up to me and show a little bit of emotion.  When we talk on dates, it feels comfortable and natural, and when we make out, she's touchy feely and the kisses aren't close-mouthed, I'll say it that way.  But again, she isn't taking any initiative and asking to see ME.  Our last date was three weeks ago!  Busy or not, if I'm into someone, I want to see them, or at least TELL them I want to see them!  She isn't doing that, but she also isn't telling me no, or turning me down when I ask to hang out.

I want to have "the talk" about where she and I are going, but it's so start and stop with her that it never seems appropriate.

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« Reply #48 on: May 15, 2015, 05:09:15 AM »

It does sound a little weird from what you've told us 4Years; it seems you're actively showing interest and she isn't reciprocating, not clear why.  She's scared?  Insecure?  Not really that into you?  Obeying her own self-imposed rules?  Filling her life up with stuff to avoid a relationship?  In any case you're not getting what you need from her, and I agree, time for direct communication; good luck with that and keep us posted!
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« Reply #49 on: May 17, 2015, 01:42:36 PM »

DOUBLE UPDATE:

With the new girl, I went out with friends last night and invited her to come along.  She had an event she was going to, but said she was going to come out afterward.  It started pouring rain, and her event (outdoors) was cancelled.  I texted her to leave and come where I was, and she replied "I'm not driving or else I would, maybe."  Huh?  How was she going to come hang out if she didn't drive herself to begin with?  Another episode of showing interest, but not following through. 

I gave up on seeing her last night and decided to be direct, as several of you have suggested.  Sitting at the bar, I texted her,  "Want to go see a movie on Tuesday night?"  She replied almost immediately, "Which one?"  I was surprised she replied, but also thought, "why does it matter what movie?"  I told her I wanted to go see Mad Max, and she didn't respond.  Nor did she respond when we left the bar and I texted her where we were headed next.  Meh... .yet again, she shows SOME interest, but doesn't follow through.  Why even dip your toe in the water if you don't want to swim?  I feel like badgering her into saying no at this point.  I'm beyond fearing the rejection.

My BPDex?  Well... .

That night out I invited the new girl to?  It was a reunion of sorts with former co-workers that I organized.  My ex was (well, I guess still IS) part of that group, but obviously I wasn't going to invite her, or (likely) my replacement.  Both of us are still mutual friends with 20 people in that group on Facebook. 

I created a Facebook invite, and well, she saw it on one of those mutual friends' profiles.  And she e-mailed me.  All she said was,

"Perhaps I should show up at (name of bar) and ruin your party this evening?  ... .Nah."

Oooh, smell the passive aggressiveness!  I didn't respond.

Later, when we all gathered, one of my friends checked-in at the bar on Facebook and captioned the post "Reunion time with former (name of workplace) co-workers!"  My ex commented on that post "Sounds fun."  Yet again, passive aggressive.

So, it continues.  Apparently, I was supposed to tell her about this night out or something?  Did she not get the memo that dumping me and replacing me kind of disqualifies her from being asked to hang out with the gang?  I guess that plays into the original reason for this thread - why does she still care so damn much if she has dumped me and moved on?  Of course she would have been included had we still been dating.  But we aren't!

I still haven't responded to her.  Normally I would, but what good would that do for the situation?
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apollotech
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« Reply #50 on: May 17, 2015, 02:10:24 PM »

4Years,

I am certainly not telling you what to do with the new girl, but my rule of thumb with women has always been: If they do not take an active participant role in the date, or planning thereof, I am not interested. If I ask a woman out it's because I have an interests in her. If she accepts, I expect her to show an intetest in me. We're adults, no time for junior high games. Recreational dating, no thanks. Dating to get laid, no thanks. Booty calls, no thanks. If it ain't real, I'll wait. Quality over quantity.

You seem to be doing a lot of work for very little return?
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #51 on: May 17, 2015, 03:36:37 PM »

I agree with you and apollo 4Years: if the new girl was really interested in you, instead of asking which movie, she would have said something like "I'm glad you asked me, I'd love to, maybe we can go for a drink after?" or whatever.  This girl is either not that into you or she's following some rules of her own.  In any case, I wouldn't contact her again, and decide what you really want in the meantime in case she contacts you.  For me platonic friendships and hookups for sex are both fine, as long as that's what you both want, but this gal isn't showing near the interest in you that you are telling us you have for her, and life's too short to not be around raving fans.
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4Years5Months
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« Reply #52 on: May 17, 2015, 03:48:09 PM »

I have had women go on one date and then make up excuses for cancelling a second, or simply telling me no the second time.  I have done the same thing on my end, too.  It's part of the process.

I have never had a woman go on a first date, then a second date, then a third date (with each becoming increasingly more romantic), then somewhat agree to continue dating (I suggested the day after our third date that "next time" we should see a movie and she said "Yeah!" and then essentially dropping all of it like a fly. 

Maybe she met someone else.  Maybe she doesn't want a relationship.  Maybe she's indifferent.  But it's apparent that I'm more into it than she is.  I have given her several opportunities and she (like I said in my last post) dips her toe in the water, but doesn't jump.  I'm doing pretty much ALL of the work, and eh. 

I did just text her one last time and again directly asked to see a movie on Tuesday.  It has been an hour and she hasn't responded.  It's not that hard to just say no.

I'm very Type A.  If I want to do something, I try to do it.  I expect the same from my partner in return.  Maybe that's part of the reason I was with my BPDex for 5 years.
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« Reply #53 on: May 17, 2015, 03:52:40 PM »

She might be single because she is married to her career as well as being flaky as she has been. Either way, a word of warning about those involved in politics. A buddy of mine worked for a well know congressman. He worked for his government office but during campaign season (not just his own re-election), my friend would work from 7 in the morning until 1 or 2 in the morning OFTEN. It is a grueling gig that they subject themselves to... .very frequently, it does not allow for a romantic or family life. Just heads up for you to consider my friend.
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4Years5Months
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« Reply #54 on: May 17, 2015, 04:21:35 PM »

I acknowledge that her job is quite busy, and when she would vent about her lack of free time, I understood.  And maybe she doesn't want to be in a relationship as a result.  Okay.  But TELL ME THAT instead of dating me and making out numerous times and making it seem like it was leading somewhere.  And if it fizzles for you because you are so busy with work, then TELL ME THAT instead of semi-agreeing to hang out or making it seem like you will, then just not answering when I really press to do so.  Stop wasting my time, and well, yours as well.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #55 on: May 17, 2015, 04:51:11 PM »

You're frustrated 4Years, and when we get in that mode we can get obsessed and over-pursue; I've done that too many times, and it's the wrong thing to do.  I wouldn't contact this girl ever, and if she contacts you and you still want to see her, I'd set a definite date, dinner at your place is much better than a movie, and if she's willing to not only make the commitment but follow through, maybe she deserves some of your time and attention, otherwise, there are plenty of others.
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apollotech
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« Reply #56 on: May 17, 2015, 04:59:03 PM »

You're frustrated 4Years, and when we get in that mode we can get obsessed and over-pursue; I've done that too many times, and it's the wrong thing to do.  I wouldn't contact this girl ever, and if she contacts you and you still want to see her, I'd set a definite date, dinner at your place is much better than a movie, and if she's willing to not only make the commitment but follow through, maybe she deserves some of your time and attention, otherwise, there are plenty of others.

This is the answer ^^^^. At this point (her seeming lack of intetest) if she wanted to see me/have contact with me, she'd do the work to make it happen. I hate to say this, but I already see a few red flags here.
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« Reply #57 on: May 17, 2015, 05:07:23 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit. Please feel free to start a new thread to continue the discussion.
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