Killing me softly

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I awoke with this song on my mind:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1eOsMc2Fgg

He sang as if he knew me

In all my dark despair

And then he looked right through me

As if I wasn't there

And he just kept on singing

Singing clear and strong

Strumming my pain with his fingers

Singing my life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

Killing me softly with his song

Telling my whole life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

For me, I think this may be the crux of my co-dependency with my BPDbf. It explains my feeling that I am invisible to him. He is so wrapped up in his pain that I am an audience for him, a prop at best, yet I have pain from my childhood that is triggered in our relationship and that goes unacknowledged. He hears only his own pain. Is my relationship merely emotional resonance or a desire to find a safe place to express my own pain and have it acknowledged? I have hung around hoping that he would acknowledge my pain, that my turn would come - the essence of co-dependency, I know. This leaves me feeling so sad.

[Lifewriter16]

I awoke with this song on my mind:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1eOsMc2Fgg

He sang as if he knew me

In all my dark despair

And then he looked right through me

As if I wasn't there

And he just kept on singing

Singing clear and strong

Strumming my pain with his fingers

Singing my life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

Killing me softly with his song

Telling my whole life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

For me, I think this may be the crux of my co-dependency with my BPDbf. It explains my feeling that I am invisible to him. He is so wrapped up in his pain that I am an audience for him, a prop at best, yet I have pain from my childhood that is triggered in our relationship and that goes unacknowledged. He hears only his own pain. Is my relationship merely emotional resonance or a desire to find a safe place to express my own pain and have it acknowledged? I have hung around hoping that he would acknowledge my pain, that my turn would come - the essence of co-dependency, I know. This leaves me feeling so sad.

[Lifewriter16]

Well, after a long discussion yesterday and me sending him this song and lyrics this morning to try and help him see what me feeling invisible is about, my BPDbf had dumped me again. He will not accept that he is not hearing what I am trying to say to him or that I do not feel seen by him. He has concluded that it is an unmet need for validation (a problem he says he 'used to share' and my repeatedly asking for proof that he sees me and that I matter to him is tiring and irritating. He says he has tried repeatedly to reassure me that he sees me. He says that he knows I will just deny everything his says and that he is sick of fighting an uphill battle with my insecurities. He concludes: "I didn't want to do this, but I just don't want to be with you any more. It breaks my heart to have to say it, but you need to sort this problem out because you will drive away anyone who tries to get close."

It seems to me, that he was perfectly happy just as long as it was his 'pity party' and the focus was upon him and his healing, but just as soon as I've said: "I want to share my pain too not simply listen to yours", he's scarpered. All I was looking for was some evidence that he would stop and listen to me until I could see he had understood me. Is that too much to ask for?

I'm asking myself if he is right that I'm looking for validation and I have to validate myself, but I don't think it's about that at all. We seem to be having two different discussions (though he thinks they were arguments).

This is how I've left it. Is this clear? Am I totally unable to express my needs?

"This is the right decision for us (ie his decision to not be with me anymore). Unless you can learn to hear how I feel, even though my feelings are illogical and not grounded in current circumstances and even if you feel the criticism is leveled at you, we have nowhere to go together. What I want to be seen is MY PAIN, MY HISTORY. It needs airing for healing just as yours does. I want to be able to share myself in all my f**ked-upness just as you do. You seem to feel completely at liberty to throw all your unresolved issues at me as projections and many of those feel like criticisms and everytime you do that, I have to assess them and learn from them, and yet you will not allow me the same licence. This is an unbalanced relationship. I am not looking to you for validation. I am looking to you to allow me to share my pain as you have shared yours. I am not looking for reassurance. I am looking for evidence that you are willing to listen until you understand what I am saying to you."

It's so easy to doubt myself... .I am completely wasting my time having this battle with my BPDbf, aren't I?

[cosmonaut]

Hi Lifewriter

I'm really sorry to hear about all that you are going through with your boyfriend.  I can relate to much of what you are saying.  Feeling invisible is such an awful feeling, isn't it?  I can imagine how it only adds to your pain to have your bf leave when you ask him to meet your needs.  I'm sorry, LW.  BPD relationships can be hard, and sometimes they can really hurt.  Especially when we are made to feel like we don't matter.

For me, I think this may be the crux of my co-dependency with my BPDbf. It explains my feeling that I am invisible to him. He is so wrapped up in his pain that I am an audience for him, a prop at best, yet I have pain from my childhood that is triggered in our relationship and that goes unacknowledged.

I think this is such an important realization, LW.  Especially the use of your word invisible.  I am much the same as you, actually.  I grew up with a mother with a personality disorder, and I spent much of my childhood feeling invisible.  I am coming to realize how much this affected me.  How deeply it taught me (incorrectly) what love was and how conditional it is.  Maybe you are similar?  I think this might be something very worthwhile for you to continue to explore.  I will share the following post with you from member 2010 that had a big impact on my healing.  Perhaps it will be able to help you as well.  I quote only in part, but the entire post is outstanding and well worth reading.

We all have punitive parents that exist in our heads. This is our Superego.  The criticism felt by both parties exists as guilt and shame inside our heads. This tape plays over and over and is a re-working of former traumas. It is also a huge part of what makes complementary traumas so attractive as binding agents to each other.  The lonely child has the “tyrannical shoulds” while the abandoned child has defectiveness schema- together they interact and drive each other crazy.

The understanding driven child cannot fathom how another human being does not have a “self.”  The understanding driven child has had much childhood experience with strong selves and has created a self to understand the motives of others. Lonely children have a need to have some sort of control over their destiny because so much was out of control in their childhood.

The Borderline’s idea of destiny is being attached to others for protection. The Borderline cannot fathom what it means to have a stand alone “self.”

Both parties are human “doing” for others rather than being- but there is more impulsivity in Borderline in the “offering” of themselves as objects.  (The lonely child is very particular concerning who he gives his heart to and makes decisions based upon careful consideration.)

The failure to find a healthy mature love activates the punitive parent in both people’s psyche- one for persecution and the other for failure to understand others (cloaked in rescuing behaviors)- this is the “flea” of each others psychiatric trauma that really is a very strong obsessive bond, and one of endless victimization for both parties unless one or the other becomes understanding driven toward self direction.  Guess who has the best chance?  Unfortunately, the mirrored good that the Borderline provided was a very strong drug- and the obsession is outwardly projected (as it always has been) by the lonely child in order to understand and consequently, control it.

It’s at this point that spying, engaging in testing and push/pull behaviors occur as both parties fight for control. Each pours salt in the others core wound.

The understanding driven child tries to understand the Borderline and the Borderline feels misunderstood and persecuted. The understanding driven child retreats to repair their ego and the Borderline lashes out and tries to shame him. The pendulum swings back and forth in clinging and hating and disordered thought and chaos. 

The lonely child tries to uncover what they think the Borderline is hiding from them (triggering bouts of paranoia) or missing (creating dependency issues.)  The angry child threatens to destroy the relationship (as well as themselves = self harm) which triggers immense anger and outrage for both parties. Their love object is broken.

Both parties are in pain- and their egos are easy to "pinch" because they both fear abandonment.   At this point, both core traumas are exposed and the partners are no longer interacting with each other except to arouse each other’s trauma wounds from childhood.

Does anything in that post speak to you as well?

[Lifewriter16]

It does speak to me but I am struggling to understand bits of it and will need to let it wash through the system for a while.

I am definitely a lonely child. My BPDbf has 2 years of schema therapy under his belt and can swing between apparently healthy behaviour and BPD behaviour quite unpredictably. I have many years in therapy and personal development work. I think it is very true that we are hurting each other dreadfully. I think we have got to the point in our relationship where the core wounds have been exposed and are now see-sawing between leaving/staying with frequent thoughts of breakup on my part and threats of leaving on his. Neither of us seems able to actually let go though. It feels like there is something deeper between us, something beyond the dysfunction which I think complicates matters too. There is certainly obsessional behaviour on my part, though I no longer feel like a complete basket case. I think it's very true that we are battling for control. My BPDbf clearly feels I'm criticising him and not recognising his attempts to reassure me, so I bet he feels both misunderstood and persecuted whilst I have spent lots of time trying to figure him out. Much of this fits. So, what is it all about and is there anyway out of this bind other than just accepting we are not good for each other? I suspect not.

I couldn't find the original post. Please could you direct me to it?

Thanks

Lifewriter

[cosmonaut]

It's a very dense post.  I had to let it wash over me for a while before I started to really get it.  Reading it again, there's still things I'm pick up on.  So, take your time with it.  I think it's an excellent post, but a complex one to be sure.  I think you are already getting a good handle on it from what you have said.  There are core wounds in each of you that are meshing in an unhealthy way, and these need to be addressed for both of your sakes.

The original link is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.msg1548981#msg1548981

I would not say that the situation is hopeless.  And I believe you that there is more to your relationship than dysfunction.  I feel the same about my relationship with my ex.  These sort of core wounds that are feeding the dysfunction, however, are what will need to be addressed in both parties to have a healthier, more stable relationship.  Some of this will require changes from your partner, but some will require changes from you.  I think that exploring this idea of being the lonely child and feeling invisible might be very fruitful.  Perhaps you could discuss it with your therapist and get their input on it.  It has been important for me.

 

Have you already looked through the tools on the Staying board?  You may already be familiar with some of these, but if you haven't please do take some time reading up on them.  These are the critical tools to help your BPD relationship.  They will allow you to better relate to your bf and to help to diffuse him when he is feeling triggered.  They really can make a difference.  This is something that the members of the Staying board could help you with.

So, I don't think that there is no chance of your relationship working.  I certainly do think there is hope, but it is important to realize that this will never be a 50:50 relationship.  It will be a relationship that will require constant work and attention.  Your bf has special needs in this relationship, and he has a limited ability at this point to be able to overcome those.  Remaining in the relationship will require accepting this.  I can certainly understand if you want to continue your relationship, however, and I'm not at all trying to talk you out of doing so.  I am only saying that it is a decision to make with your eyes open.  You said that there is something deeper in your relationship, and I believe you.  This is a decision that only you can make, and there is no right or wrong answer.   

[Lifewriter16]

It seems that my BPDbf and I are reluctantly, but also with relief, going for the split on the basis that it is kinder to both of us than continuing with a situation that could lead to much acrimony. I think it is very sad that what 'seemed' so good could be so destructive on occasion, but I do think the post you directed me to will help me to better understand what has actually happened.

I aspire to an honest, healthy, loving relationship where I do not have to constantly question my sense of reality and I know my BPDbf may never be able to give me that. I also know that I need to work on me, yet again. Being with my BPDbf and posting on this website has opened my eyes to a number of things. 

I have suspected for a while that I may have projected my own positive characteristics onto my BPDbf, so he never was the person I thought he was. Now, it seems I may have been merely modelling to him how I wanted him to treat me and I was never the person I portrayed either. I thought I knew who I was. I've clearly buried some stuff that I need to dig out and attend to.

Earlier this afternoon, I sat and wrote out an imaginary dialogue between myself and my BPDbf in which he responded to me as I would have loved him to respond when I first starting disclosing my feelings of invisibility to him. I'm going to keep working with this. I need to tell someone, but I need to feel that person is safe. Who safer than myself? I shall give myself what I need.

Have you come across any books on the theme of the lonely child that might help me to understand all this more easily?

Thank you for introducing me to these ideas.

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

And now comes the inevitable, the thing that I have been putting off... .I have to let him go. I have to accept it's over.