Do BPD women care about their partners looks?

[ShadowIntheNight]

I don't think my uBPDexgf cared how anyone she was with looked. She cared more that we thought SHE looked great. I always told her if she could date herself she would. She always agreed. Bleech... .

[expos]

When they choose a new victim does a woman with BPD care about looks or can they just paint any picture In their mind? If thats the case what does that say about us left behind? Were we even that attractive to them or would they have picked anyonr at that time.

I will say, with all confidence, that I was the most attractive person my ex wife with BPD was ever with.  I'm talking physique, facial structure, etc.  I'm 6-2, 165 lbs and a former college athlete.  (My new girlfriend (who I'm now engaged to!) always raves about my appearance.)   

I also was the most assertive and didn't give her control, which my ex-wife hated about me.   

She replaced me and married a guy who, sorry for being judgmental (it's a trait I'm trying to rid myself of), is basically the ugliest person she has dated.  He is greasy-looking, very overweight, and his facial features are not good at all.  I feel bad for saying this because I don't know the guy very well and I'm sure there are areas in which he probably excels that I don't . 

So, it was heartbreaking to see her with someone like this, because she was overweight and always picked at me for working out too much and trying to improve my appearance.  I think a small part of her didn't like the fact that I was probably the more attractive of us two.  Girls are supposed to have the looks.   

So, i think the draw with her new guy is his money (makes about $50K more than me) and the fact that she's prettier than him, and she can can CONTROL him better.    The hardest part was wondering she would have sex with someone less attractive than me, until I started laughing at her and how she didn't deserve me in the first place and now she is stuck with Mr. Fatso. 

Now, I'm about to marry a girl who is prettier than my exBPDW, we are a better match looks-wise, and relationship-wise.  She treats me with respect and isn't abusive.     

With BPD, it's all about who they can control and who gives them the most attention.  Looks don't really seem to matter. 

[rotiroti]

guh-reasy Ricky!







I think some attraction for the pwBPD is required, but it's secondary to the need for attachment.

[expos]

you ask a good question... .i've been curious about this too.  my replacement is 7 yrs older than me and looks much older in person, less attractive than i am, not that i'm all that, but i am better looking in appearance. he is certainly a door mat type personality as well, as i'm more assertive. i think this puts her in more of a bargaining role with him and a place of temporary security in order to manipulate.  so i dont think looks matter except to put them in more of a  place to wield more power over their new victim.

BOOM.

[Cleveland]

Think attachments with borderlines.  Far from seeing a new attachment as a "victim", a borderline attaches to people with the hope that it will be perfect, an ideal fusing of psyches to recreate the symbiotic relationship that existed before the fear of abandonment showed up, the condition that created the disorder to begin with, the one they've been banging up against their whole lives, that inability to be on their own, weather the abandonment depression, and continue developing into an autonomous individual.  Someone who's "attractive" to a borderline is someone who seems to be susceptible to that attachment, regardless of "looks".

Borderlines also carry a lot of shame, so if their last attachment shamed them there's a bias to attach to someone "lesser", someone who is less of a threat to do it again, and you will read here how many folks were surprised at the "quality" of individual their borderline ex hooked up with next.  And of course it's important to not draw conclusions from that and compare ourselves to the new suitor; realizing that you and the new guy were both attachments to a borderline, with exactly the same status in that regard, can help with that.

sorry to dredge this one up from the past.

But why is that when they create these attachments that are so important to them, it is so easy for them to walk away without showing any outward sign of fear of abandonment or inability to be on their own?

The detachment and painting black is common, we all know this, so it seems to contradict what you said above.  Not doubting you because I agree, just trying to understand that relationship.

[rotiroti]

Think attachments with borderlines.  Far from seeing a new attachment as a "victim", a borderline attaches to people with the hope that it will be perfect, an ideal fusing of psyches to recreate the symbiotic relationship that existed before the fear of abandonment showed up, the condition that created the disorder to begin with, the one they've been banging up against their whole lives, that inability to be on their own, weather the abandonment depression, and continue developing into an autonomous individual.  Someone who's "attractive" to a borderline is someone who seems to be susceptible to that attachment, regardless of "looks".

Borderlines also carry a lot of shame, so if their last attachment shamed them there's a bias to attach to someone "lesser", someone who is less of a threat to do it again, and you will read here how many folks were surprised at the "quality" of individual their borderline ex hooked up with next.  And of course it's important to not draw conclusions from that and compare ourselves to the new suitor; realizing that you and the new guy were both attachments to a borderline, with exactly the same status in that regard, can help with that.

sorry to dredge this one up from the past.

But why is that when they create these attachments that are so important to them, it is so easy for them to walk away without showing any outward sign of fear of abandonment or inability to be on their own?

The detachment and painting black is common, we all know this, so it seems to contradict what you said above.  Not doubting you because I agree, just trying to understand that relationship.

It's easy to walk away when:

1. They have a replacement lined up

2. feel the imminent real or imaginary abandonment and take the first strike. They paint you black so when they leave you, it feels like they did the right thing

3. Engulfment is stronger than abandonment at the moment and pushing is the option they feel they have at the moment

[Lostone1314]

"So, i think the draw with her new guy is his money (makes about $50K more than me) and the fact that she's prettier than him, and she can can CONTROL him better. "  

"The hardest part was wondering why she would have sex with someone older and obese"  

same as my exgf my replacement is obese and makes 50k more than me... she complained about my slight weight increase even going so far as to take photos of me from behind with shirt off to show me my expanding love handles and yet her new guy cant see his toes ! His $$$ provides her with financial convienience and the party lifestyle/alcohol she is addicted to

"she is stuck with Mr. Fatso. "  yep so is mine as they share common friends and if she does to him what she did to me she will have burnt alot of bridges and only confirm what they already suspect that she is a sick branch swinging sociopath


"With BPD, it's all about who they can control and who gives them the most attention.  Looks don't really seem to matter."  

for me its not that she is with someone uglier or wealthier or whateva its cause she insulted and abused me for putting on a few kilos made me feel unattractive to her but sleeping with shrek is ok ?

these people are truely sick and twisted

[Lostone1314]

"However now I'd be afraid of running into her, having her look at new man (much MUCH MUCH heavier than me) and seeing that sexual urge towards him that she used to feel towards me.

chanced encounter 4 times in last 15 months lucky she was alone each time and at a distance except for once we were a few feet apart but i may as well not have been there... she looked straight thru me... "part of that would be her internal shame i suppose from cheating"

"I really hate this BPD disorder. Ruined something that could have been wonderful"

yep :-( 

[Lostone1314]

"It's easy to walk away when:

1. They have a replacement lined up

2. feel the imminent real or imaginary abandonment and take the first strike. They paint you black so when they leave you, it feels like they did the right thing"

BOOM

mine had 4 lined up settled on the 4th within a few weeks of break after the first 3 failed to eventuate into relationship.

[Indyan]

I seriously wonder the same about my BPDxbf.

People say I'm an attractive woman, and he often told me that looks mattered, as he used to draw and paint (didn't see many of his drawings btw), and that I suited him perfectly blah blah.

Today he keeps hanging around with the most horrible 35 yr old woman I've ever seen, and I'm not the jealous type, just being objective.

And her style doesn't fit at all   He was (no idea today) a rock 'n roll guy, biker style, and she's dressed in an old fashion style and really not attractive.

I KNOW he's found her on internet to drive him around (he can't drive) and do whatever he wants her to do (like testify against me), but still... .YUCK  

Ah, and also, he kept saying that he needed a gf with brains... .this one is a sheep, she obeys and believes every single word of his. Like last week end they came harassing me at my place, and she FILMED me at my window. I had to file a complaint against that ugly sheep.

[Lonely_Astro]

Think attachments with borderlines.  Far from seeing a new attachment as a "victim", a borderline attaches to people with the hope that it will be perfect, an ideal fusing of psyches to recreate the symbiotic relationship that existed before the fear of abandonment showed up, the condition that created the disorder to begin with, the one they've been banging up against their whole lives, that inability to be on their own, weather the abandonment depression, and continue developing into an autonomous individual.  Someone who's "attractive" to a borderline is someone who seems to be susceptible to that attachment, regardless of "looks".

Borderlines also carry a lot of shame, so if their last attachment shamed them there's a bias to attach to someone "lesser", someone who is less of a threat to do it again, and you will read here how many folks were surprised at the "quality" of individual their borderline ex hooked up with next.  And of course it's important to not draw conclusions from that and compare ourselves to the new suitor; realizing that you and the new guy were both attachments to a borderline, with exactly the same status in that regard, can help with that.

sorry to dredge this one up from the past.

But why is that when they create these attachments that are so important to them, it is so easy for them to walk away without showing any outward sign of fear of abandonment or inability to be on their own?

The detachment and painting black is common, we all know this, so it seems to contradict what you said above.  Not doubting you because I agree, just trying to understand that relationship.

It's easy to walk away when:

1. They have a replacement lined up

2. feel the imminent real or imaginary abandonment and take the first strike. They paint you black so when they leave you, it feels like they did the right thing

3. Engulfment is stronger than abandonment at the moment and pushing is the option they feel they have at the moment

I have often wondered how this works.  I say that because my pwBPD always seemed to go for the jock/redneck types.  I am neither of those.  Sure, I used to play baseball in high school, but I have very varied interest: I traveled a lot after high school, am educated, creative, and of average physique.  So really I was the odd ball of the group that I know she's had in her life.  She would always talk about how I was so much more than she was (which I knew was the BPD in her coming out) and how I was going to get bored with her because she was so "plain and simple".  When she started talking like that, I knew I was doomed.  What she was really saying was that she was going to get bored with me because we didn't have anything in common.  Now that I think about it, she was right.  We don't have anything in common... .music, books, movies, culture... .you name it and we are opposites.

The guy she left me for (when I found out she was seeing him, which was my fault she "had" to go on a date with in the first place according to her) is of the redneck quality.  He's a nice enough guy (I know him), but I know if it came to a chess match vs. me, he'd lose just like I'd lose at lifting weights against him.  She constantly called herself a 'country girl' and all her friends were 'redneck', but I made an off the cuff comment about it one day (something about a sci fi geek and a cute little redneck getting together and how that would make an awesome sitcom if it hadn't already been done- *cough* Big Bang Theory *cough*-) and she got soo mad at me for it.

So, what Im saying is mine seems to have somewhat of a type... .even though I was an exception to that rule.

[problemsolver]

I have read it's mainly down to who "shows" them love or who shows interest... .because as many of us have gone through it's hard to work within a BPD relationship once it hits a certain point... .it's cliche to say but my exBPD would often say "I have no type , it's just down to "connection" ... ." looks don't matter to me it's about "connection" ... .You can read what you want from the word connection ... .in my opinion though she knew she was "crazy" (her words) so whoever bit on the bait before she has revealed her self is the person she liked

[Lonely_Astro]

I have read it's mainly down to who "shows" them love or who shows interest... .because as many of us have gone through it's hard to work within a BPD relationship once it hits a certain point... .it's cliche to say but my exBPD would often say "I have no type , it's just down to "connection" ... ." looks don't matter to me it's about "connection" ... .You can read what you want from the word connection ... .in my opinion though she knew she was "crazy" (her words) so whoever bit on the bait before she has revealed her self is the person she liked

You may be on to something there.  Maybe the only reason my pwBPD seemed to have a type is because that was the type that would hit on her all the time.  She is very pretty, a former beauty queen to be exact.  I could write volumes about her beauty, but I won't.  Maybe the reason she never had really been around the nerd types (like me) is because they all seem to be intimidated to talk to her.  I once asked her about it (how she came to like me) during a moment of lucidity.  She replied "I always found you cute.  You also treated me like a person rather than an object, which turned me on more."  Oh, the irony of that statement now  

[Lostone1314]

I have read it's mainly down to who "shows" them love or who shows interest... .because as many of us have gone through it's hard to work within a BPD relationship once it hits a certain point... .it's cliche to say but my exBPD would often say "I have no type , it's just down to "connection" ... ." looks don't matter to me it's about "connection" ... .You can read what you want from the word connection ... .in my opinion though she knew she was "crazy" (her words) so whoever bit on the bait before she has revealed her self is the person she liked

You may be on to something there.  Maybe the only reason my pwBPD seemed to have a type is because that was the type that would hit on her all the time.  She is very pretty, a former beauty queen to be exact.  I could write volumes about her beauty, but I won't.  Maybe the reason she never had really been around the nerd types (like me) is because they all seem to be intimidated to talk to her.  I once asked her about it (how she came to like me) during a moment of lucidity.  She replied "I always found you cute.  You also treated me like a person rather than an object, which turned me on more."  Oh, the irony of that statement now  

I think my exBPD gf chased me cause i initially rejected her despite her beauty queen looks... something about her felt off but then her charm and sensuality suckered me