took another step today

[confusedinWI]

Ive had my ex blocked on social media but today I blocked her number on phone and text. It hurt me to do it because stupidly I feel like im being cruel. A week after we broke up we had a conversation where she told me if I ever in the future needed her I could call her and shed be there. I told her the same thing but I also said at that point she would probably be dating and it wouldnt be my role to do that.

Thats why I feel stupid because the nice guy in me says wait what if she needs you but she has other people she can rely on.

Ive never had to block a number before. But then again with her ive had to do a lot of things ive never had to.

Now I just have to keep chipping away at the pedestal I put her looks on

[Mutt]

Hi confusedinWI,

I'm sorry to hear that. I think it's hard going NC with someone that was an important part of our lives and children - you have a history together.

she told me if I ever in the future needed her I could call her and shed be there.

I recall moving day and my wife was moving into her new place and was having an affair for months. She said something similar and I think at the time it was a need for her. She acted impulsively and a r/s in the first month or so can go wrong for any number of reason.

"Mutt, you never know maybe some day we'll get married again!"

I think of it as putting a system in place to protect ourselves and give us space to heal and to detach.

Attachment Leads to Suffering. Detachment leads to Freedom


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[myself]

You're doing it for you. It's like you're placing that call to yourself, and you're answering and following through. Like you, I've never done a lot of the things I've done with my ex, including blocking someone. Positive boundaries keep the negative to a minimum though, you know? My ex also offered to 'help' if I ever needed it, and there have been times I could have taken her up on that but didn't. Because... .Well, for the reasons we aren't together. Lack of trust being one of the biggest. She wasn't really there then, would she really be there now? Better to count on yourself, and others who are more consistent. You're taking further steps out of the relationship, detaching from something painful. It's a healing process that takes time. Being a 'nice guy' with yourself while you do. Letting go is key here.

[confusedinWI]

Now im on break from work and thinking maybe I shouldn't block her number. Mayne I should wait until next month when she js moved out of the shared apartment. She probably wont contact me anyway because she's in honeymoon stage with new man and apparently I meant nothing to her.  What is she is in a threatening situation and needs help. I told her id help

[peacefulmind]

Now im on break from work and thinking maybe I shouldn't block her number. Mayne I should wait until next month when she js moved out of the shared apartment. She probably wont contact me anyway because she's in honeymoon stage with new man and apparently I meant nothing to her.  What is she is in a threatening situation and needs help. I told her id help

I understand your frustration and the fact that you made a commitment in saying you'd help. I think it is important for you to realise now, that that commitment is far gone and it is no longer your place to help her in a threatening situation. You said it yourself, she is in a honeymoon idealization phase with her new man. It is his responsibility, not yours. I understand that you offered your help in case of an emergency out of your kind heart and good will (and possibly the hope that you two will be back together at some point?). This is not what you need. You have a hard enough time keeping up NC. Focus your energy on that, and start working on your own needs instead of worrying about her's. She's an adult (I take it from your description), and can take care of her own life. It is not for you to save her anymore, she has her new savior already.

I do not want to sound harsh or not understanding where you're coming from. There's a reason why I kept all contact lines open a while even if I didn't hear a word (I did not even hear anything after the BU). I understand that it is hard to let go, and you still want to be there for her if she gets in trouble or things turn out bad in any way, but it is not your place to do. Assert yourself, assert the fact that you are moving on and she has moved on. Let her BPD be someone else's problem, no matter how much you feel like you want to help. That's what I have had to tell myself over and over for the past weeks and it hurts like hell each time.

[Mutt]

Let her BPD be someone else's problem, no matter how much you feel like you want to help.

HI confusedinWI,

I think this is good advice. It will give you space that you probably need right now to grieve, heal, self reflect and detach... .

You were 6 months out of a divorce and met your uBPDgf?

Now im on break from work and thinking maybe I shouldn't block her number. Mayne I should wait until next month when she js moved out of the shared apartment. She probably wont contact me anyway because she's in honeymoon stage with new man and apparently I meant nothing to her.  What is she is in a threatening situation and needs help. I told her id help

Your thinking a lot about her needs and rationalizing.

What does confusedinWI need?

[confusedinWI]

Mutt yes six months out from divorce when I met her. As for what I need man jts hard right now im craving her physical companionship and I feel weak saying it

[confusedinWI]

Let her BPD be someone else's problem, no matter how much you feel like you want to help.

HI confusedinWI,

I think this is good advice. It will give you space that you probably need right now to grieve, heal, self reflect and detach... .

You were 6 months out of a divorce and met your uBPDgf?

Now im on break from work and thinking maybe I shouldn't block her number. Mayne I should wait until next month when she js moved out of the shared apartment. She probably wont contact me anyway because she's in honeymoon stage with new man and apparently I meant nothing to her.  What is she is in a threatening situation and needs help. I told her id help

Your thinking a lot about her needs and rationalizing.

What does confusedinWI need?

Here is what I need, I need to mend fences with my children first. Get my own apartment set up and learn how to validate myself and love myself and treat myself the way I treat others.

I need to realize that even the darkest day has only 24 hours! That to not act on my urges and sit with my feelings understand them.

Tonight I miss the sexual relationship. Part of it is more because she has another man now. It's the used toy analogy that Im ok being done with the toy but when someone else wants to play with it now I want it back.

I just talked with my mom and she helped me gain insight as to how bad things were even before we moved in. She also knows all the really bad stuff and said not that I would but if I did ever go back to my ex she would lose all respect for me. That's why my mom and best friend know about it so they can also help to prevent it.

I in the future want the normal healthy relationship where my wishes and values are respected as well as my children being loved.

I will get past this, it will take time but my life is so much better looking ahead. Also knowing that any contact by her would be about her and not me helps.

I've had some weird thoughts lately and I'm glad I found this forum.

[Mutt]

Rome wasn't built in a day. You have the right answers with treating yourself as you would treat others. This stuff also takes time - baby steps.

What do you mean mend fences with your kids?

[OnceConfused]

Winston churchill once said, "when you are in hell, keep on walking "

Do you know that your new day starts not at 8AM but at 00:01AM, in the total darkness.

[confusedinWI]

Rome wasn't built in a day. You have the right answers with treating yourself as you would treat others. This stuff also takes time - baby steps.

What do you mean mend fences with your kids?

Mutt

Towards the end of the relationship I was making choices to try to please my ex that my kids felt like I was choosing my ex over them, I will always carry that guilt. We talked about it and they told me that. That was one of the issues that broke us up.

My ex always wanted more her time, and not family time. I was constantly trying to please everyone (but myself) and in the end almost sacrificed time with my kids (who will always love me) over someone that no matter what I did I see now would always have issues with me in some way.

[Mutt]

Rome wasn't built in a day. You have the right answers with treating yourself as you would treat others. This stuff also takes time - baby steps.

What do you mean mend fences with your kids?

Mutt

Towards the end of the relationship I was making choices to try to please my ex that my kids felt like I was choosing my ex over them, I will always carry that guilt. We talked about it and they told me that. That was one of the issues that broke us up.

My ex always wanted more her time, and not family time. I was constantly trying to please everyone (but myself) and in the end almost sacrificed time with my kids (who will always love me) over someone that no matter what I did I see now would always have issues with me in some way.

I understand confusedinWI and I'm sorry you feel guilt over it. Do you feel like you did the best with what you knew at the time? I think it helps forgiving ourselves and letting go of things that we can't change; learn from them and grow.

In a family dynamic with a pwBPD there's an emotional caretaker; there's little room for the needs of the individuals in the family and healthier family members are expected in caring for the feelings of the borderline partner. 

[confusedinWI]

Rome wasn't built in a day. You have the right answers with treating yourself as you would treat others. This stuff also takes time - baby steps.

What do you mean mend fences with your kids?

Mutt

Towards the end of the relationship I was making choices to try to please my ex that my kids felt like I was choosing my ex over them, I will always carry that guilt. We talked about it and they told me that. That was one of the issues that broke us up.

My ex always wanted more her time, and not family time. I was constantly trying to please everyone (but myself) and in the end almost sacrificed time with my kids (who will always love me) over someone that no matter what I did I see now would always have issues with me in some way.

I understand confusedinWI and I'm sorry you feel guilt over it. Do you feel like you did the best with what you knew at the time? I think it helps forgiving ourselves and letting go of things that we can't change; learn from them and grow.

In a family dynamic with a pwBPD there's an emotional caretaker; there's little room for the needs of the individuals in the family and healthier family members are expected in caring for the feelings of the borderline partner. 

Honestly I think I allowed the relationship to last longer than it should, I could see the signs that my children were not being looked at first by her, and in part by me. What I regret is because I had a failed marriage where the affection and attention was gone for so long, I enjoyed it. The affection, the sex, the idealization kept me there longer. I tried to do the best I could but I was also afraid of being alone.

Tonight my mom called me out on it, she said that me not moving on because I was afraid of being alone almost made me be alone from my children.

Look I know I made my ex gf to out to be a monster, I don't think she is completely. She made decisions that hurt my children and me, and I'll probably carry that scar for a long time. That is my cross to bear. I understand she had influences such as coping with alcohol, traumatic events as a child that no one should go through, but I don't give her a free pass. The way she belittled me, treated me with disrespect, would even say she knows she is selfish, one time acknowledged that she treats a man that is so good to her badly sometimes, I don't give her a pass for that. Or for sometimes acting more childlike than my children, having my children wonder what she will be like when she comes home, when all they wanted was to connect with her. She fooled all of us.

I'm still messed up that I wonder if maybe I was the mistake, that she just couldn't handle the pressure of a ready made family, and that my immense love for her, how I treated her well, appreciated her, showed her things that no one else could, if now she will be normal with someone else.

Mutt I have a question for you since you seem very knowledgeable. one thing  that does bug me is that she seems to have little reminders kept up on her facebook account, you've read my past posts but they are a picture of her and my daughter, and a picture of her and me, plus her wearing the necklace. I know that I tend to read into things (my Gemini attribute) but it does make me wonder if she is over me, and happy with someone else why still have this up there?

There were times when she would say things that I don't think was an idealization, but was real for her. Those times are hard to reconcile but as I've read from the posts you need to pay attention to the actions not the words when you are conflicted. She could write amazing things in cards, make creative projects, etc. However she would also get very passive aggressive in text messages (similar to my ex wife) and say things that I don't think she would be able to say to me face to face (unless of course she was drunk).

I wonder sometimes if these type of people, especially my ex gf ever truly move on or is it a collaborative effect that eventually they just succumb to the weight of all the failed relationships, or am I giving her too much credit?

I look forward to the point that I'm thinking more about what I'm going to do or what movie to watch as opposed to her. Because what hurts is I know that as special as I thought I was to her, I'm basically dead to her now. The special things that were good for me were not shared on the same mutual cognitive basis.

[Irish Pride]

Rome wasn't built in a day. You have the right answers with treating yourself as you would treat others. This stuff also takes time - baby steps.

What do you mean mend fences with your kids?

Mutt

Towards the end of the relationship I was making choices to try to please my ex that my kids felt like I was choosing my ex over them, I will always carry that guilt. We talked about it and they told me that. That was one of the issues that broke us up.

My ex always wanted more her time, and not family time. I was constantly trying to please everyone (but myself) and in the end almost sacrificed time with my kids (who will always love me) over someone that no matter what I did I see now would always have issues with me in some way.

And that's how mine ended. She made me choose between my children and her and she lost. By a bloody landslide. Don't beat yourself up about it, though. At the very beginning of our relationship, I did choose certain things with her over my kids. It was a selfish decision, but looking back, I wasn't anywhere near as aware of what was happening as I did at the end. It is a part of my guilt, but I also understand that I was swept up in the intensity of the relationship (after having a lustless marriage for several years). We're human. We make mistakes. As long as you learn from this, don't be too hard on yourself.

[confusedinWI]

I want to learn from it but I also don't want to become jaded from this experience as well.

I've learned that I need to not seek validation externally, that has been very hard through all this, especially when I discovered she has a new man in her life. I got jealous because the good words, the looks, the affection that I was getting has now been switched over.

Heck he is probably hearing the same stuff I heard as well. Now I've done some research and a lot of what they say in the moment is true, but it is over emphasized much like a child might say "this is the best sandwich ever" and then the next day a new sandwich is the best ever.

Why I was so succeptible is because I didn't have that base belief in myself intact. Had that been in place maybe I would've seen the whole pedestal thrusting so early, and been wondering well you've only known me three weeks how can I already be the best ever.

I'm sure I will always miss certain things that won't ever get replaced, but the key is knowing what is healthy to miss, and what is not. Her enthusiasm towards me when our favorite show came on, her back rubs, oh god her back rubs (she always wanted to open her own massage place). I miss those so much with my bad back. I'm not going to keep going on because it will trigger and I need to remember why I am here today.

As such I'm keeping her number blocked on my phone and text. This is now about me. I'm tired of being the door mat nice guy and putting everyone else's needs above mine. I'm not saying that if I had my boundaries in place before this would change. rather it probably wouldn't have lasted as long because she wouldn't have been able to control me like she did. That is a different discussion for a different day.

[Mutt]

Mutt I have a question for you since you seem very knowledgeable. one thing  that does bug me is that she seems to have little reminders kept up on her facebook account, you've read my past posts but they are a picture of her and my daughter, and a picture of her and me, plus her wearing the necklace. I know that I tend to read into things (my Gemini attribute) but it does make me wonder if she is over me, and happy with someone else why still have this up there?

It's frustrating triangulated with another man and she has mementos and pictures of you and your family. It would bug me too.

I recall several months after my ex left she had unblocked me and many of our tagged family photos had popped up on my Facebook account and I was infuriated that she had possibly left them up on her account. She has a distorted belief system and it's difficult to understand her logic and reason because it's illogical.

What I do know when she was in her honeymoon is that she was putting the new man on a pedestal and everything else fell to the side. What I mean is responsibilities with tying loose ends with our r/s and the kids needs took a back seat.

I also think it's important to not to pathologize everything. My best guess, I think there's a chance she's simply focused elsewhere at the moment. I think it also speeds up our recovery if we don't peek at our exes accounts on social media; I understand its tempting trying to decipher how she's faring with the new man or if she's going to validate and come to her sense etc... .I found I had to minimize as many triggers as I could for self protection to help my detachment because it was hard enough as it is. I didn't want to compound a difficult and painful break-up and relationship post mortem.