Help with Divorce from BPD spouse

[GrassTrees]

Dear Community,

I am in a nasty divorce situation that I found myself in after years of torture and suffering! Just a few days ago, I found out that my spouse has a BPD and now all of a sudden everything that happened to me in our relationship and now divorce makes sense.

Learning and educating myself about his disease got me scared even more right now.

He has not only filed for divorce (after I had filed for divorce), but also for annulment and soon after requested a mental examination. I was stunned. However, from what I have learned so far, this is just the beginning and I am already drained and exhausted!

What do I need to do? How can I find a reasonable lawyer who can help protect me? My husband is on probation for a drinking violation and that protects me a little bit, but time is running out as he might be granted an early release from his 12 months probation. That would put me and my son in great danger.

As you all will probably know way better then I do, my husband can be extremely sweet and is very convincing about my being ill!

Please, please help me and my son end this before it takes an even higher toll on us.

What do I need to do? Which book should I read? Can I call his probation officer? Who is going to believe me anyways after he had filed to get my mental examination?

I will appreciate any and all advice that you might be willing to share with me.

Thanks in advance for your kind support.

Grasstrees

[livednlearned]

Hi Grasstrees,

It's good that you found the site so we can share collective wisdom with you and help support you. You're not alone! Many people here have been through a BPD relationship and divorce, and are raising the kids. Was your husband diagnosed with BPD?

Read Splitting: Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy. Since you have a child with your husband, I recommend reading Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Kids, also by the same author.

At this point in your divorce, there is a lot of theater. It's hard, I know, to stay centered when you're being accused of this and that. Judges, lawyers, mediators -- they're used to this and see it all the time, whether it's a high-conflict couple or not. The claim and counter claim can really jangle your nerves, but for the most part this is a technicality to get the divorce moving.

Some people here had a custody evaluation done in order to determine the fitness of both parents. This actually includes a pscyh evaluation (often the MMPI-2) as well as home visits, and even interviews with family, teachers, etc.

The fact that your ex has a drinking problem, including a possible DUI, and is on probation, will help you in your custody battle. It was also help if you have been the primary caregiver.

In terms of finding a lawyer, it's a good idea to interview two or three and get consultations. Ask each of them to describe the strategy they recommend, and then weigh the pros and cons of each one before you retain them. Consultations can run anywhere from free to $300 or so for 30 or 60 minutes depending on where you live.

Put together a list of questions and if you have someone you trust, go to the meeting or talk to them on the phone together so one of you can take notes. You'll be flooded with emotions and may have a hard time remembering what was said. Having a friend help also gives you a person to debrief with after.

No matter what you do, start a system of documenting everything. I used Google calendar and pinned emails from my ex to the dates he sent them, and wrote down everything I did with my son, doctor appointments, school appointments, dentist, play dates, etc. Even if you only use some of this, it really helps to have a record of what you did so that you feel better prepared against the "he said she said" that your husband will throw your way.

As to your question about who is going to believe you -- lots of people will. Just because you believe your ex does not mean other people do. I was terrified of my ex -- he's a former trial lawyer. I thought he was going to ruin me in court, and then the opposite happened. Everything saw what I was dealing with. It took a while, but I now have full custody and the judge terminated visitation. My ex was so dysregulated in court that my T thought he might be having a psychotic episode. Some very surreal and strange things happened in court, and none of that behavior helped him.

Hang in there and keep posting. It really does help.

You're not alone. 

LnL

[GrassTrees]

Hello LnL and thank you!

Your response was of great help to me and got the scared out of it a little bit. Dealing with a trial lawyer is way above what I will be facing! Guess that's the good part.

Would you share with me what happened in Court?

Also, I need to clarify that my son is from a previous relationship and my BPD husband is not his father. However, he was the only father figure he ever lived with it does effect him as much as it would probably if it was his biological father. We won't have a custody battle though and my husband ignores him ever since my little guy responded with criticism to him. Unfortunately, at that time, I had no idea that this is something you should never do to a BPD.

He was diagnosed with BPD by my therapist without him being present. She treated him at one point as well and he threatened her and showed his true colors. She never told me until I mentioned that we are in a nasty divorce right now. She pulled her notes and consulted with other therapist and gave me the diagnosis last Friday. Sure enough, spot on and ever since everything that happened to us makes sense.

I have already ordered the book and will pick it up later today.

As for an attorney, I am currently running out of funds and still have an attorney, but he is not responding to me and did not do much. He came highly recommended by the local Women Shelter. It is very frustrating.

How long has it been since your divorce Lnl? My husband threatened me with that I will regret this for the rest of my life... .and I get a sense now what he meant by that.

Does anybody know whether I should contact his probation officer to find out whether they have or are going to release him early?

Thank you so much,


Grasstrees

[ForeverDad]

He was diagnosed with BPD by my therapist without him being present. She treated him at one point as well and he threatened her and showed his true colors. She never told me until I mentioned that we are in a nasty divorce right now. She pulled her notes and consulted with other therapist and gave me the diagnosis last Friday. Sure enough, spot on and ever since everything that happened to us makes sense.

"She treated him at one point", that is the key.  If she had never met him and could only rely on your details, then she probably would have couched her thoughts as "probably" or "likely" rather than state a diagnosis.  However, even if she's told you this it does not mean she would state that in court, not unless she's said she would do so.

Why does he want an annulment?  Is it his way to give you the ultimate rejection?  Or is he trying to avoid spousal support, alimony or division of assets?

he should not have filed for divorce too, not when you already had an open divorce case.

So he's demanding an assessment?  Whether you can deflect that or not, I don't know.  But one thing is definite, any assessment has to be shared equally - he pays his fair share (or more) and he gets assessed too.

What difference does an assessment make if there's no issue of custody or parenting?  That's what perplexes me.  Is it to support his annulment motion?  I suspect he's trying to wriggle out of some liability or obligation, are there any assets you don't get if he gets an annulment?  I'm also thinking he's Blaming you for the marriage's failure, Blame-Shifting from him, a lot of emotional gobbledegook, but in most states it is meaningless in a divorce.

[enlighten me]

This may sound strange but a mental examination may be a very good thing for you. It may well show that you have been a victim of abuse and if they are allowed to talt to your T then a picture of a BPD bully may emerge that would limit his parental rights.

I didnt know about BPD when I went through my divorce. One thing that became aparent to my lawyer was that she was a whack job. If my lawyer saw this from her correspondence then her lawyer must have been pulling her hair out and have had to calm down her demands.

My only advice is get your facts straight. Never use anything they told you which cant be substantiated. My ex told me she was diagnosed with bi polar and ME which turned out to be a pack of lies.

Take one battle at a time. It does eventually end even though the light at the end of the tunnel is occassionally a train.

Be prepared for switching tactics. Mine said if I didnt contest the divorce she wouldnt go for my pensions. Once the divorce was underway she went for my pension.

[livednlearned]

What a relief that you won't have a custody battle! I know it's hard what you're going through, and BPD divorces are difficult no matter what, so I'm right there with you feeling the pain and understanding how intense and overwhelming this probably feels. Family law court is a lot more dysfunctional when it comes to custody so avoiding that potential train wreck is a blessing.

My court experience is different than what many here experienced, mostly because my ex is a former trial lawyer who represented himself. He really liked going to court  

What may be useful to you is this advice: hold your cards close and hang onto any leverage that you can. Leverage is important with people who stonewall, obstruct, and throw obstacles your way. Most likely, your husband will no comply with court orders, so you have to enforce what he agrees to do (if mediation works) or have a judge rule. Make sure your lawyer writes up the orders -- this is a second step that can be very effective. In it, you can include consequences for non-compliance.

This is all important only if you have property or assets that you need to un-mingle.

About the probation officer. What do you hope to accomplish by contacting him? Is it to gather information or share it?

Where is your H living right now? Are you concerned at all about your safety?

How old is your son?

[ForeverDad]

You can proactively file for (1) possession of the residence during the divorce so he would be required to live elsewhere, (2) you and your child move out to an apartment in your name only so he has no legal basis to force his way in and/or (3) seek a keep-away or protection order for the duration of the divorce.  Frankly, in many areas just stating you are "fearful" and giving some examples of past incidents could be enough to get a protective order.  It doesn't have to be a "finding of guilt", just enough to say you want him not to be able to approach you.  Courts recognize that there can be heightened conflict during a divorce.

If your son is not his child and he hasn't adopted him, then most states would say he doesn't have any legal claim to the child.  Don't let him intimidate or coerce you into weakening your boundaries.

[catnap]

avvo.com can be a source for finding attorneys where you live and you can ask free questions.  You can filter by location, specialty (high-conflict) and if they offer a free or low cost first consultation.

Glad to hear that custody issues are not involved. 

[GrassTrees]

Thank you all! This is some very valuable and helpful advice and wisdom you've shared with me. I cannot thank you enough.

Unfortunately, my lengthy response earlier today was not submitted as I was 'inactive' for too long and all I wrote was gone. My apologies.

So I try again. My son is 13 and from a previous relationship. Unfortunately, he stood up against him once and ever since, he ignores him. One of the reasons why I had changed the locks. I will try to get a protective order as he must have been here at the house last night trying to sneak in through the garage. My attorney has not responded to me on the threatening calls he made last week to me or my 10 th request to please get me a restraining or protective order.

It is so frustrating.

Why he could file for divorce himself is beyond me. I do not know. The annulment is because he simply wants to hurt my immigration status. I am a German citizen with a permanent residency. He would love for that to go away and after starting to read about all this and learning more and more, I am still very concerned that he has done something or is still doing something secretly that he does not want me to become aware of.

He tricked his way several times into the post office handling mail forwarding and holding mail (we have a tiny little disorganized post office here that is known for their mail mess ups). That would fill a book to write about all the tricks he pulled to get his hands on my mail.

He also opened a credit card in my name without my consent. I had no clue. It appears that he is extremely resourceful and currently focused on making everyone believe that I am unstable and nuts! My thought to this is that he is afraid I could bring some evidence to the table that he does not want to come out into the open. This is just a gut feeling. No evidence as of yet.

Would you guys share with me when you had the moment that you thought it is not me but there is something awfully wrong with my partner?

It is still that I have a hard time believing that someone could be so evil and mean doing all of these nasty things intentionally.

Thanks again for all your valuable advice. I will make a list tomorrow from all the thread.


Grasstrees

[ForeverDad]

Yes, change the locks.  However, I suspect that wouldn't stop him for long, he would just try the garage, windows and any other way he could figure.  Have you thought of a security system to record video while you're out?  If you had proof he entered, then you could file a police report for breaking and entering, perhaps vandalism too.  And it would be easier to get a protection order, or a response if you already had one.

Did you report the credit card fraud?  That's identity theft.  At the very least, have it closed.  And if you have some proof he did it, then don't hesitate to provide your proof, hiding information doesn't protect you, it enables him.  Sounds like you'll have to monitor your credit regularly.

[ForeverDad]

It appears that he is extremely resourceful and currently focused on making everyone believe that I am unstable and nuts! My thought to this is that he is afraid I could bring some evidence to the table that he does not want to come out into the open. This is just a gut feeling. No evidence as of yet.

Listen to your gut.

[livednlearned]

GrassTrees,

It sounds like you have an awful lawyer. To dismiss your calls when you're trying to get a protective order is not good! Do you have a local Domestic Violence shelter in your town? If so, they will often have what they call a DV advocate. This is someone who will help you file the protection order, and may even go with you to the courthouse, to walk you through the process.

Protection orders do not keep you safe -- someone with BPD will ignore them, and may in fact become more determined to approach you. What protection orders do in our case is document a serious paper trail that shows your ex has no regard for authority. Courts don't like to see that, and may be more likely to agree that he is a threat to you. Also, if you get a protection order, it's very important that you follow it closely, and don't deviate. Otherwise court will not believe that you feel truly threatened.

In many states, there are immigration advocacy groups that can help answer questions. Right now, you need to gather information so you don't feel so afraid of what he can or can't do. I went through the immigration process too -- I don't believe there is anything your H can do to have your permanent residency removed. But it's good to check with someone because knowledge will relieve you of the anxiety you feel. And I don't believe you can get annulment if you've been married for over a year, although check on that too.

To your question -- realizing that there was something wrong with my partner was a process. It started with a whisper, then gradually grew louder. It helped to have a therapist who confirmed my suspicions, and then when divorce hit, a lot of people became involved who seemed to find my ex equally if not more difficult than I had recognized in our marriage.

[GrassTrees]

I have so far been unable to find a new attorney familiar with high conflict cases of this proportion. It appears that they all think "people in a divorce situation all have a BPD'.

If this was not so serious I'd be questioning my own sanity.

Yesterday was my 'final' meeting with my now ex lawyer who also thinks the above and has not done anything he was supposed to do (never filed for a protective order and finally filed for a restraining order this week as well as temporary spousal support) , but running up a bill and treating me like I was a dumb child. I have recorded our meeting yesterday and we discussed that as well. He then presented a second bill to me that he has never sent to me before and requested payment on the spot as well as me having to sign a consent that he will be released from the case. Both of course did not happen and he then accused me of lying to him and I ended the conversation. About an hour later he forwarded an email from opposing council to me with request for discoveries that were sent to him a long time ago and filed a motion with the Court to be dismissed from my case due to it being impossible to communicate with me and me not following the rules (what ever he means by that - probably my refusal to hand him more money until I will have a chance to look at his bills)?

The way it is written (at least how I see it) it sounds like I am awful and that concerns me a lot. I think this will hurt my case tremendously. What is your experience with this?

If this would not sound too weird, I would say that this lawyer showed a heck of a lot of BPD traits. The email communication he sent me should be posted on the internet. Things like 'don't you fill up my inbox like this ever again' when his paralegal asked me to provide evidence by email. When I said on the phone but this is what he requested me to do he replied... .if he said that then fill up his inbox. The next day I sent an email to ask when there would be someone in the office so that I can drop off the evidence... .he replied with 'don't you ever sent an email about this again. Call the office or drop it off at the drop box'. When I called no one answered and so I finally left it at the drop box (with a bad feeling) and sure enough 'it disappeared'. In the same call he asked me to send him a timeline of events in my own words and send it to him by email. When I did that the next day his only response was... .'Here the flood of emails begins again'.

It feels like this was orchestrated towards me being mentally ill what is your experience? Has anyone made this experience as well?

In the end, it does not help my case or gets me any further so good advice will be well taken. The temporary hearing is set for May 19th and the only thing that makes me feel a little better is that I could get him to 'establish' a little bit of my case earlier this week (after 4 weeks). He then filed for support and possession of the house. He then also filed a denial for mental examination but mentioned in our meeting yesterday that he did not file for a mental examination for my H. He expects this to be dismissed anyway. When I asked him whether we can still request a mental exam of my h in case that it won't be dismissed for myself, he did not answer. Does anyone know?

In the meantime, my h tried to get in the house twice through the garage (one time I was home the second time I was not - the same day) and then must have rattled the patio door so that I had to get a new door knob yesterday and left our animals traumatized. He turned off the pool pump to make sure I know he was here. My attorney said to that I should be glad that he did not break a window to get in as it is his property.

Earlier this week my h sent me an email that he has left mail for me in the mailbox at the house! I took this email to the postmaster and complained again as it has been an ongoing concern for 3 months now that my h desperately tries to get his hands on my mail. I have no clue why and no one truly believed me until Tuesday when I took this email and insisted on having the case investigated.

It then turned out that he had made changes to my online mail forwarding application in putting an expiration date on it. It being April 30th. He then renewed his 'hold' and picked up 'our' mail almost daily. When he then decided that I should get the mail, he dropped it off at the post office to be put into my p.o box there or brought it to the house mailbox like he did this week. After having them change the lock to my po box and filing mail forwarding applications for my married name, my maiden name, both of the names and my son's name... .my h filed an application for the family name only. This got him the mail again.

So finally the postmaster understood that there is something awfully wrong and asked me to file a police report. What do you think about that? Won't that get him being more violent again? The day he found out about me putting a stop to him touching my mail ever again, he came and tried to get in earlier this week. Should I go ahead and really file this report?

That same night my son showed a weird behavior and was texting 'with a friend' that he normally does not text with. He was hiding  his phone and deleted all his text messages. There is this feeling that my h might have been the 'friend'. How can I find out without my son knowing? I am against controlling him and spying on his text messages, but in this case it might be the right thing to do. What is your experience with this?

For the time being I am still feeling a little 'protected' due to my h being on probation. I am afraid that his attorney has filed an early release from that as it has been 5 months now. I would so like to call the probation officer to find out because once he will be off probation, he will break into the house and will drink excessively again and threaten me to no end.

My attorney has not answered that question either. How can I find out whether he is still on probation and/or is there any way that I can contact the probation officer and make sure that the early 'release' will not be granted?

I would greatly appreciate any thoughts.

Thanks, GrassTrees.

[ForeverDad]

Lots of issues here.  I may only touch on a few, sorry, others will chime in too.

He then filed for support and possession of the house... .  In the meantime, my h tried to get in the house twice through the garage (one time I was home the second time I was not - the same day) and then must have rattled the patio door so that I had to get a new door knob yesterday and left our animals traumatized. He turned off the pool pump to make sure I know he was here. My attorney said to that I should be glad that he did not break a window to get in as it is his property.

I'm thinking "his property" is not the major factor, possession is.  (For example, if the property were rented, likely he would have to give the renters advance notice if not an emergency in order to enter.)  So you don't have legal possession yet?  But if he has long since moved out then you most likely get de facto possession.  You should have already visited the local police station and spoken with an officer in charge, not just the officer at the front desk, how they handle this sort of situation, have you done that yet?  I'm thinking that if he no longer lives there, then any visit without your permission should be considered at least trespassing.  Find out today!

About the mail hijack, yes, get all the documentation, make multiple copies for yourself so he can't snatch all your paperwork and make a police report.  If you are afraid to set firm boundaries and protect yourself then surely behaviors like this will continue.  Yes, the first times you stand up for yourself he will overreact and retaliate but (hopefully) in time the Extinction Bursts will fade.  A factor is how 'painful' it is for him, visits from police, exposure of his bad behaviors, etc.

Lawyers are often very entitled, some are surely Narcissistic, they spent years in law school and some feel their clients are in effect like children.  And that entitlement and bluster can hide a lot of poor lawyering, often they're never caught out, as you saw with his belated efforts to bring the case up to date.  You are right to stand up for yourself.

How to find a new lawyer if Bill Eddy's www.HighConflictInstitute.com can't help?

The best way to find an attorney is word of mouth because if they are good, then someone you know has already used them for their divorce.  Also, you need to look at the situation as you are interviewing the attorney for a job position, if you don't like them for whatever reason, move on to the next one. Trust me, there are plenty of attorneys out there.

Don't feel too timid to ask prospective attorneys, "If you were facing a high conflict divorce, which lawyer would be at the top of your list, who would you hire?"  Remember, lawyers know they're not going to get every case that walks in the door.  A reputable attorney will give an honest answer.  If you hear the same group of names, then you have your short list to interview. Look for real experience, proactive assertiveness, and strategy.  It's not okay if they say the minimal outcome.  It's okay if they say, "What usually happens is... .  but I think we need to do... .  to get the best outcome possible for you and your children."

If counselors, therapists or custody evaluators are needed, an experienced professional can recommend other experienced professionals:

One thing you might consider is, when talking with each attorney, ask for a recommendation to psychologists who can help with a case like this.  And when you talk with each psychologist, ask for the names of attorneys who they have worked with successfully.  What you want is a team that will work well together and be effective;  you might find two people who have worked well together in the past and can hit the ground running.

[GrassTrees]

Thanks so much. Very helpful information indeed.

Yes, I have spoken to the police the day after I had changed the locks. They advised me that there is nothing they can do, if he were to break into the home, but that was related to the immediate situation. It might have changed as it has been over 6 weeks now. I will find out when I file the report regarding the mail. Hopefully later this afternoon.

Finding an attorney sounds like a real mission. I am on it, but the temporary hearing is already next week.

[Panda39]

I also want to suggest some therapy for your son so he has someone outside of this situation that he can talk to about what's going on.  It sounds like he could use some support while you and the stbx duke it out.

Panda39 

[GaGrl]

It appears that he is extremely resourceful and currently focused on making everyone believe that I am unstable and nuts! My thought to this is that he is afraid I could bring some evidence to the table that he does not want to come out into the open. This is just a gut feeling. No evidence as of yet.

Listen to your gut.

[/quorte]

ALWAYS listen to your gut... .intuition.

[GaGrl]

Get a new lawyer ASAP who can get a continuance until he/she is fully conversant with your situation.

[GrassTrees]

My h has contacted people from my past in an attempt to find evidence of my bad character and reasoning for my 'fraudulently forging him into marrying me'.

He lies about my character and how much I 'cost' him... .etc. It is unreal what he tells them.

He leaves out that he is back together with his ex wife though (who divorced him after 20 years of marriage because he abused her). The two of them together showed up at the temporary hearing and are a unit now. She chips in with 'stories about my mental health status and how she witnessed all my nutty behavior'.

Please does anyone have experience of how to protect yourself against these outrageous lies and character defamation (with  a lack of a better term)?

Thank you,

Grasstrees

[livednlearned]

Hi Grass Trees,

Have you been able to talk about this with your lawyer (or begin looking for a new one)? I'm not sure what your ex is trying to gain here. You may want to consult with an immigration lawyer since your immigration status seems to be the focus here. Do you have anything documented that shows he made threats about your immigration status?

[GrassTrees]

Hi Livednlearned,

I am in close contact with my immigration attorney but there is nothing he can do until this is finalized. One way or another.

My attorney has withdrawn from my case but he has apologized to me and currently takes every effort to support my new attorney. The 'new' attorney I am meeting with today in the afternoon is hopefully someone that can help me.

Bill Eddy does not practice anymore but I can schedule a phone consult with him once I have retained a new attorney. I had to find out that the county this is filed in is not a favorable one for good attorneys as it is known to be highly unpredictable. Given the fact that I have an annulment case together with it (which appears to be not that common) and an immigration case following the two... .in combination with high conflict. So far, I have not found anyone who seem to be familiar with the whole set. The attorney I am meeting with today is experienced in high conflict but has no immigration affiliation.

We got the continuance and the case consolidated under my filing. So a double win for me on Tuesday, but the judge was  not happy with me as my h. attorney said that there were no children involved in this case. She is under the impression that I changed the locks without any reason other then putting hardship on him and that he had to come up with other living arrangements. The fact that he was there with his ex wife whom he is living with since last December nobody brought up. My attorney only mentioned that he had claimed to have moved out once he found out about my fraud and that would be contradicting to him having had to make living arrangements. That prompted the judge to grant continuance. However there is a very high risk that I will lose the house next Tuesday and I am preparing for the worst. It feels like that I might have some good legal support now, as far as I can tell for  now. My old attorney is extremely remorseful and offers his help in any way possible?

It is the emotional part that I am struggling with. How can he frank out lie the way he does? I've read a lot of the books you all suggested but have not finished them all quite yet. He went to his ex wife (whom I do not understand at all) and happily lives with her and needs to destroy me and my son's future because it makes them look better? I do not understand this.

Is this all just a very bad dream?

[ForeverDad]

The fact that he was there with his ex wife whom he is living with since last December nobody brought up.

My divorce (with a child) took nearly two years.  I noticed that I knew my case better than my lawyer.  He juggled dozens of cases and counted on me (once he knew I could be helpful) to remind him if some detail was left out.

So if nothing was said, little to do now except make a point to state that at the next hearing.  (Don't expect the judge to remember all the details of the case from hearing to hearing.  They too have to juggle dozens if not hundreds of cases.)  Tell your lawyer about this and work out a way to communicate while in court in a manner that won't let these lapses, mistakes or misinformation occur.

[livednlearned]

Judges treat people in their court like little kids, scolding and patronizing them. Don't let the judges tone intimidate or define you -- I learned in my case that the judge also did not want to appear that he was showing favorites (you can file an appeal and win based on evidence of favoritism). Often, I would get chastised, but then the judge would rule in my favor.

It should not matter that the locks were changed based on the biological relationship between your son and your H. You changed the locks because you didn't feel safe, and you have a child.   

How do you prove that you married someone in good faith? And were not just marrying him for citizenship?

Yes, the emotional part is confusing. For people with BPD, feelings = facts. It takes a while to truly absorb what that means. Normal people do not base reality on how they feel, they base it on facts. Your ex cannot resolve feelings of grief or sadness, so he bounces everything back out and creates a reality that reflects the disordered world inside him. The behaviors he cannot tolerate in himself (too psychologically and emotionally painful) he projects back out. He is probably connecting with his ex wife because that confirms for him that he is not alone, that he can maintain relationships against the evidence (with you) that he cannot. My ex did the same thing. During our 10 year marriage, he would say the most awful things about his ex-wife (#2 I learned), including wanting her to drive into a bridge abutment. He said she had an affair, was a terrible mother, a compulsive spender, blah blah blah. Then during our divorce, he befriended her and asked her to write a statement about being a good dad to his first-born son, my former step-son.

None of that mattered in court. It was difficult to sort through emotionally -- we do not get to resolve our feelings with our ex spouses because they are not capable of this. So we're left bewildered and off guard, trying to make sense of what is essentially non-sensical behavior.

[ForeverDad]

Often the acting out (PD) person will make complaints, allegations, etc but ridiculous demands.  You have to do more than that, be the one to present practical solutions, ones favorable to you of course but ones that the court can pick up and include in decisions.  Be the problem solver!  If the case goes on long enough the court will likely see you as the one with solutions.  Believe me, they don't want you back.

[still_in_shock]

Sorry about everything you Are going through. Our stories so similar, especially what related to their intent to take revenge on immigration fronts. Same here. Expecting a divorce and he threatened to revoke my GC.

You can read the details of my story following the link in my signature.

I've realized it wasn't me but smth was substantially wrong with him in month 6 or so. By month 10, I was absolutely convinced and scared.

[livednlearned]

Often the acting out (PD) person will make complaints, allegations, etc but ridiculous demands.  You have to do more than that, be the one to present practical solutions, ones favorable to you of course but ones that the court can pick up and include in decisions.  Be the problem solver! 

In your case, that might mean having a psychological evaluation done. Have your own done -- pick your own psychologist. It does not have to be an MMPI-2 (considered an objective psych eval). Basically you go in, talk to a psychologist who has a forensic background, and they write up a report that says you seemed relaxed, but were experiencing stress given the husband's claims, you have a child, you married for love, you moved to the US, uprooting your child and leaving your family in order to be with this man. You have a good relationship with both of your parents, have siblings you care about, blah blah blah.

Then when the dog-and-pony show of your ex's allegations continue to roll forward, your L says that the annulment motion is a form of cruelty in order to spitefully punish you, and that with all due respect, there is no mental illness involved, that the two of you married in good faith, and that the marriage is irretrievably broken, no minor children are involved, and you wish the court to grant you a divorce under the laws. To not waste the court's time, you have had a psychiatric evaluation with a forensic psychologist and the report is available for the judge to read. There is no diagnosis, you are in good health, both physical and mental, and simply want the court to grant a divorce so that both parties can move on and resume their lives.

Something like that. Take back reality. Don't let him put you on the defensive and bring in the circus. Judges hate that crap, they see enough real drama they don't need some bogus claim of annulment when there is nothing wrong with you. He's being spiteful and vindictive, and that's whatever it is, but there is no need to escalate things to this level, etc.

You need a good lawyer who can make a compelling story that you are the adult in the relationship.

[GrassTrees]

Thank you all and I am so sorry what you had to go through still_in_shock! It is so hard to believe that a person would do all this to another person.

My problems appear so little compared to your situation.

From what I understand, education is the key. I am working on that vigorously. Thank you

My meeting with the attorney yesterday was very informative on the family law side but he did not take the case for scheduling conflict (my next hearing is Tuesday morning right after Memorial day at 8.30 am) the lack of BPD and annulment knowledge as well as practicing mainly in another county. He pointed out that in my case I need a very reputable attorney in my special court room knowing the judge in order to gain headway. The respect that an attorney will bring into the room should get me a head start fighting my BPD spouse. There is already a case in a court of appeals nearby that has ruled against annulment out of spiteful and vindictive reasons.

My old attorney (who suddenly became the most professional and advising individual) has filed a motion for the mental examination to be dismissed (claiming that it was frivolous of my h to ask for one) so I believe it could be counterproductive at this point to get my own?

Yesterday on my way back from meeting with the attorney a police car was following me. Almost right from the parking lot of the attorney. It was pretty obvious and it got me worried and thinking. When I pulled into my driveway I immediately opened the glove department and looked for the insurance card. Well, the glove department was empty. No Id card, nothing. The car has a key code to get in.

Why doesn't he focus now on his 'new/old family' and leave me alone?

From what I read in all of these posts, BPD's seems to be having a money problem. My h seemed to not fit that bill and always claimed that his ex wife was not good with money. He kept all of our family finances to himself and seemed to be pretty well off, but after reading still_in_shock's post I am starting to question that. If so, he must have lost high six figures in just a few months. Could this be the driving force?

The hunt for a good attorney continues.

Grasstrees

[enlighten me]

One thing I came to realise is whatever my exs told me cannot be trusted. Whether its finances or health unless you have seen it in black and white then dont believe it and certainly dont use that information.

in fact if you havent seen it in black and white then ask yourself why not. Both my exs where happy to shove evidence of their success in my face and any problems. If they were suppossedly succesful or ill then why didnt i see the facts?

[GrassTrees]

Thank you, enlighten me! Makes so much sense.

Is there a way to find out about my h's finances? If he created depth I might be responsible as well?

[enlighten me]

When I was going through divorce we had to give full financial disclosure. Everything had to be laid out. Assets and debts.

If he is in debt I dont think he will hide it. If he does then when assets are divided he will lose out more.  The norm is for more debts being uncovered in an attempt to protect any assets.