I Still Cringe

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

When my BPDxW sends me an email message, I still cringe though we haven't lived together for the last five years and have been divorced for two years.  The reason, I suspect, is because I was the victim of her verbal and physical abuse and my personal alarm bells ring from the perceived threat.  I pause before responding and take a few deep breaths.  Also, I move her emails to a separate file so I don't have to look at them in my InBox.  We have children together so LC is a necessity.  Yet I don't like the "flight or fight" response I still get in my interactions with her.  I can feel my blood pressure rising.

Has anyone experienced similar feelings with your BPD Ex?  If so, what strategies have you employed to quell the stressful feelings?

Thanks to all,

LuckyJim

[HopefulDad]

I cannot avoid contact since my exBPDw and I have kids, so I constantly remind myself that she is sick, cannot help herself, and therefore treat her disordered thinking and associated behavior as such.

It's hard, but it's 10x easier to do it than when I lived with her.  Knowing that I can make the nonsense end simply by leaving her presence, not answering her calls, not reading her texts, not reading her emails and knowing that all of these responses are fine because we're divorced is a wonderful feeling.

I admit I do get anxious when the emails come regarding anything custody-related since this is still not settled.  I can't just put those aside and not read them.

[Grey Kitty]

I've still got a bunch of personal business / financial stuff in common with my wife, even though we've been physically separated for seven months (with a few visits) , and relationship separated for 2-3 months now.

I did a LOT of emotional processing, and just started feeling a lot better around a month ago. I mean feeling better about my life and my own purpose, and my future as a separated guy. (Still too busy to date 'tho. If I had time, I'd probably be ready now)

Anyhow... .I've noticed that my reaction to communications from my wife has been gradually getting milder and mellower. I'm generally keeping communications civil and mostly business, 'tho I did give her a brief birthday wish by text.

Here are things I did which helped me get where I am.

1. In going LC, I changed the ringtone for her calls and texts to remind me what was coming. Text tone is the most melodramatic one on my phone. Her calls start with Rod Stewart singing "If I listen any more to you... .I'll find some reason to believe... ." (Forget the exact words... .she hasn't called in quite a while) It worked to remind me that I was going to be emotionally hit and confused if I answered and talked to her.

2. While I was feeling this way, I 100% shut down any communications about friendly chatty stuff, or emotional stuff. Declared that anything I didn't have to talk to her about I wasn't going to.

All of this gave me more space to heal... .and I did a lot of personal work going through all the difficult feelings of my marriage ending... .spent a lot of time on the phone with members of "Team Grey Kitty", which was mostly very supportive friends who are very sensitive/emotionally intelligent, validating... .and by good luck, a couple of them are personally familiar with BPD. I also wrote a BOOK in over a dozen topics of everything I was feeling and going through as my marriage was challenged (Started with my wife cheating), and we spent a bit of effort trying to make things work, and finally my wife decided that she wasn't going to try anymore. She even told me (sincerely) that it wasn't me, it was her.

I put this in one paragraph. It was the hardest six months of my life. I took the time to really FEEL a lot of tough stuff.

3. As I successfully processed stuff, I noticed that I was less triggered and had an easier time dealing with my wife's communications with me... .

Early on I would get a text, and freak out, post about it here, call one of the co-captains of "Team Grey Kitty" on the phone saying "HELP!" ... .perhaps spending two hours figuring out how to reply in one text sentence, or even sleep on it.

A month later it was easier on me.

Now I'm not finding myself quite so triggered.

The reason, I suspect, is because I was the victim of her verbal and physical abuse and my personal alarm bells ring from the perceived threat.

This is very likely. I'm fortunate--I started enforcing boundaries against abusive behavior (Verbal/Emotional, with some minor escalations to physical) a couple years earlier... .and eventually my wife stopped even trying to be abusive with me. Thus this was long dealt with and forgiven by the time my marriage ended. I'm sure that processing these things one at a time was much easier for me.

 I'm not sure my story gives you anything to grab onto... .other than the belief that it is possible to heal.

I wish you healing.

[Tibbles]

I'm going through sorting out division of assets etc so have gone from NC to LC. I have found that really hard and I'm getting triggered, the same as you describe, quite often. What I do when I get an email is I respond with a text, "Got your email, I'll respond tomorrow. Thanks" That gives me time to calm, time to read the email, get triggered and then calm. Write a few drafts, etc and finally sleep on it and respond when I am reasonably comfortable with my response. Every response, I go through it in my head BIFF - Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. That has helped. Good luck

[going places]

Friends,

When my BPDxW sends me an email message, I still cringe though we haven't lived together for the last five years and have been divorced for two years.  The reason, I suspect, is because I was the victim of her verbal and physical abuse and my personal alarm bells ring from the perceived threat.  I pause before responding and take a few deep breaths.  Also, I move her emails to a separate file so I don't have to look at them in my InBox.  We have children together so LC is a necessity.  Yet I don't like the "flight or fight" response I still get in my interactions with her.  I can feel my blood pressure rising.

Has anyone experienced similar feelings with your BPD Ex?  If so, what strategies have you employed to quell the stressful feelings?

Thanks to all,

LuckyJim

Yes.

When I get an email from him, I get that sick twisted knot in my stomach, accelerated breathing, racing mind... .fight or flight.

((I was ALWAYS a fighter; now, I am a flighter))

I was married 25 years. I am 11 months post divorce, and have not physically seen him in 10 months.

The emails should all but stop because there is nothing to talk about.

The house is sold.

He has paid me back the money he owed me.

The kids are adults.

The way I 'held it together' when I did have to email with him was to remember: One day, I would never have to speak to him again, and I will be living 5 states away from him... .7 out of 10 times that was enough to keep me from losing my mind.

[Lucky Jim]

Hopeful Dad: Yes, it's a wonderful feeling.

Grey Kitty: Great that you can rely on "Team Grey Kitty"

Tibbles:  BIFF -- I like this.  Also like your approach, "rec'd your message; will respond tomorrow"

going places:  "One day . . . " (sigh).  In the meantime, yes it's still "fight or flight"

Thanks for all your kind comments,

LJ

[Grey Kitty]

You say it is still fight or flight. [FYI, the third option is freeze. Dunno 'bout you, but that one seems to be most common for me.]

Is there any active threat to you or your kids that shows up when you hear from your wife? Are the emails you get abusive to you? Are you having to really struggle with her to get the best for your kids?

If you are having that kind of reaction every time you hear from her it sounds like something that is mostly in your head and heart, perhaps PTSD or something like it.

If you are still having to battle things with her on a regular basis, that may call for something different on your part.

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks, GK.  Yeah, she berates me from time to time in her email messages, which I largely ignore, and is holding our kids hostage by having them decline to get together w/me.  They are teenagers so have some say in the matter, though they are heavily influenced by my Ex.  It's part of a post-divorce court proceeding at the moment, which makes it hard to move on even though we have been divorced for two years.  My BPDxW continues to seethe and hold onto her anger towards me.  So, yeah, I guess its a combination of PTSD-like symptoms from formerly living with her and current rage at me that spills over from time to time.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

You know... .if communications with her are a battle to get access to your kids... .you have every reason to be upset about them.

My suggestion is that you allow yourself to feel whatever anger, hurt, resentment, or other things that come up when you get these emails... .and make sure that you don't respond with those feelings controlling your response.

It sounds like you are already doing a good job in how you respond.

Can you work more on letting yourself feel this stuff (without it impacting your communications with her)?

[maxen]

i would experience these things.

i'm going on two years since the end, which was a blindsiding. we have no children, she bolted on d-day, doesn't live in the house (which is now mine in fact and will soon be in law) and i haven't seen her since sept 2013. after i served i took the decision not to contact her for any reason. even little things that could be taken care of with a direct email i send through my lawyer. this is hard: i would feel much less tense if we could have some kind of contact, but it's surely the right thing to do since almost any expression i hear from her would feel like a knife in the stomach. the reason is that i need acknowledgement, and she made it sadistically clear that she intends to take no responsibility for either the content or consequences of her actions, and no matter what our communication would be about, that's what it really would be about. she had a r/s going before she left, and for her part doesn't contact me.

i've had milestone moments during this time, and recently i think i passed another one, when the grasping after the one who abandoned me (a thing i didnlt even know i was still feeling) has really subsided, but i'm not okay yet. at some time the emotional horror will dissipate (i hope) but then i imagine a different standard will come in, and i won't want to associate with her any more than i would with anyone who did to anybody else the things she did to me.

Jim my T told me i had PTSD too. i know that time helps, but you have this constant input from your BPDex. i got a prescription for clonazepam as a result of my experience, which i don't always have to use but i always carry it with me. please don't scorn meds, if your GP or other doctor suggest them.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey GK, Yeah, it is upsetting about the kids, and I agree that it is important for me to process whatever feelings come up, without judging them.  Thank you for this reminder.  Brought up in a household where negative emotions were generally discouraged, I learned to submerge unpleasant feelings.  Maybe this sounds odd, but my parents were poor models for sharing their emotions, so it has taken me a long time to reclaim my own feelings.  These days I strive to be authentic, which includes acknowledging whatever feelings come up.

Hey Maxen, Right, because we have kids I have ongoing communications with my BPDxW, who thinks it's OK to treat me in the same abusive fashion that she did when we were married.  She still flies off the handle, which is what she always did.  Difference is, I've changed and that dynamic is no longer acceptable to me.  I don't have to put up with it 24/7 anymore.  Yes, I have an Rx to use as needed, if I get over-anxious, which only happens from time to time.  It takes the edge off!

Thanks, Guys!

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

Maybe this sounds odd, but my parents were poor models for sharing their emotions, so it has taken me a long time to reclaim my own feelings.  These days I strive to be authentic, which includes acknowledging whatever feelings come up.

Doesn't sound odd at all. My parents are still poor at it, and consequently, I've gone through a full separation and my parents are about the last people I've shared my feelings with--it just doesn't feel safe/right to do so. I could go into copious detail... .but I just wanted to say that it happens to others too. Sometimes I do feel sad about the loss there--of something that never really was, and probably never will be.

She still flies off the handle, which is what she always did.  Difference is, I've changed and that dynamic is no longer acceptable to me.  I don't have to put up with it 24/7 anymore.

Have you been able to enforce boundaries of not being there for her to fly off the handle at since you separated?