I want to make it work and get my BPD back. Painted black.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have a rather immediate need for an answer or advice. I'm hurting and my SO, or maybe ex is in a bad mental state. There's certain factors that make a time table based on what I do and when. I've been split all black/bad by my gf of three years. I need to know if there's any way to turn this or reverse it. Or have her to talk or see me different? She currently won't speak to me. And the chances of it and chance to get he to go into therapy following it with my suppor and help. She'd placed high hopes of getting there as that was the plan before I got split. Help please. It's urgent and critical.its rather urgent on time because of the decision of me to stay here or move back home. I do want to not leave though.

[Lostinwonderland70]

I have a rather immediate need for an answer or advice. I'm hurting and my SO, or maybe ex is in a bad mental state. There's certain factors that make a time table based on what I do and when. I've been split all black/bad by my gf of three years. I need to know if there's any way to turn this or reverse it. Or have her to talk or see me different? She currently won't speak to me. And the chances of it and chance to get he to go into therapy following it with my suppor and help. She'd placed high hopes of getting there as that was the plan before I got split. Help please. It's urgent and critical.its rather urgent on time because of the decision of me to stay here or move back home. I do want to not leave though.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Lostinwonderland70,

I am sorry that you are hurting.   

What happened with your gf that made you become split black and are not speaking? 

[Lostinwonderland70]

I would like to ask advice and insight on a situation I'm currently in. It's real wordy to explain but I need help to know what is best to do. Most say run away and don't contact, but i don't think running ever solves a problem. And I love her more than I could have ever imagined loving someone. Love every part of her. And accept her for who she is. A lot of this may make it seem like we had a rough relationship. But it was mostly amazing. As we learned to work through and around a lot together. Grew together and had future plans.

Ok here goes. Some of this may be tmi. Ok we've been together 3 years. I was just divorced when we met and she said she was filed for it. For first two years I lived a state away. She's been married to same man since she was 17. He had filled her role of who took her and gave her stability. Even though he was a narcissist and treated her like ___. It was stable to her and became familiar. They also have three kids together. We talked hours a day. Text, and got to know each other's on a level neither of us ever had. I came to her city monthly and she'd spend the weekend with me. She had tried to leave the marriage 3 times over the 15 years and he always drew her back in one way or another. After a year of dating she admitted she hadn't filed yet. Money being main reason as he put her on an allowance after last time she tried to leave. They lived in separate rooms the last year. Which also was a lie the first two years, and she moved into another room after she admitted she hadn't been. So the next year we planned and grew more. I somewhat became her therapy. She came off medicine. Mainly because he quit paying for it and therapy. A way to control her. He's had her admitted 3 times before in past to a hospital and slept with her friends while she was in hospital. She had cut from 6 to 30. She's 32 now. She stopped cutting for a year with me and her working on it, till last July when we broke up a month. And she started back. She would call me when she felt need and we'd talk through it. She's call me when she felt headed to detach, and we'd talk through it. I read and learned and studied. After two years together, she was doing really bad last December so I decided it was time to move closer. Last February I moved here and she said I'd made her happiest person ever. Even though since then she's said she never told me to move. Only when she was mad and upset at me. Ok that brings up to last February. Ok. So she'd come over and stay 2-3 times a week. Over the two years I was away. She get scared and run and I'd hold fast. She'd only be gone a day or so and then back to normal. Since I've been here we've broken up 6 times including this one. 4 times for a day up to a few days and she'd come back to normal and we'd be good. Really close. Then we did in July for a month. In which she "fell back into him" as she called it. And then did really bad and he was him and we got back together in August. Ok so in January she finally told him about us. And that intensified how he was and things have just been crap since. Ok so from that day here's what's happened. Her emotions have been more up and down. She's fretted over telling people about us. The truth and dealing with the fallout. He's been more all across board from mean and nasty to somber and tearing at her heart strings. Used kids. And just made her a mess. Her anxiety has increased. We were at edge more because when she used to come it was away from all the problems but now we were in middle of it all the time with him and how he acted. Before we lived together. If she was upset or off I'd calm her down and center her again. I'd met all her kids over the past so they knew who I was as moms friend. They were put in middle. When she'd leave to come see me he'd act out and have everyone crying. Finally one Saturday he flipped and she brought all kids to my apt and we talked and decided I'd get a house for all us. Then we'd work on divorce filing an getting her in counseling the next month. Things were still good between us even though we weren't all the way like we'd been due to all going on and we were dealing with so much more. I was under so much more stress an pressure with All this and work that I know I wasn't quit same person I'd always been. So we both were affected. On a side note story that does lend to this. Ok one major thing I had was that I was a smoker. And is hide it from her for the first two years. But began to try to quit once moved here. I had some downfalls and quit totally in January before we moved. One thing she was mad about was that I hide it from her. And some items I had still smelt like it. Ok back to moving. I was so wrapped up during the move in getting the money right for house, moving both of us, deposits, furniture. All the time of about $6000. I didn't do what is always done and have her in front, being as attentive and cuddling her as well. Is always treated her like a princess. Oh and another side note but maybe important. But may be tmi but maybe it's relevant. Ok our sex life. This is the tmi. So you can kinda get a full view of us. It's a Ds thing. So we have a deep connection there. It's been off too lately like all other and she's also brought that up this past 2 weeks that I let her down there. Along with all else she's said I've done wrong. And granted I haven't been myself but it's been due to getting all In this house and dealing with him and trying to deal with all else going on. Ok so the week before we moved in. Two things happened. We spent day with her and her daughter and a lot of day I was on phone or net setting up things for house and that made her mad. And also way I moved made her mad. And it wasn't good it was a hurry and very disorganized. Due to things going on. After this she seemed to stay mad. Called me an ass for that day. Also finding a big enough house at right price had me on edge and granted I was off myself because of it all. Being human and it was a mistake. Ok so we get in house. I was working a lot. She was alone some. When kids gone she was very lonely. She wasn't used to me and not being 100% there when we were together. Everything about our dynamic was off. He had everything in chaos from afar. Was swapping and getting kids every day or so. She was driving and shuffling them around. He would text her and call all day and night. I was getting very frustrated and I didn't know what she needed me to do I just didn't know. He came to get kids one day and was screaming at her and beating on steering wheel in our drive. I went into protective mode and was gonna call police. She then said I was being an ass for acting like that. She didn't hardly want to be touched while in house but also said I wasn't being close to her. I was dead tired. Fell asleep on couch when we'd be watching tv, she brought that up as me not spending time with her. Then last Saturday I got reactive and frustrated with things after all going on for first time ever with her. He had called knowing he had kids and we were gonna have a weekend for just me and her. Got her upset, she raged at him on phone for about an hour. I went downstairs to try to give her time to calm. She went in closet and opened a box we hadn't unpacked and it had an old sweater that hadn't been washed and smelled like smoke then went off on me. First time ever I raised my voice at her. "I said what's wrong with you? And he's not gonna call you and upset our time any more" then she flipped. Said I will not treat her like he did. And I would not tell her who she would talk to, she left. Went to his house then after only 3 weeks there. Moved back In with him. Saying I'd been an ass, she didn't know me, if she was gonna be with an ass it would be the one she knew and had kids with and not one that was unknown and was suppose to be there for her. She said I'd abandoned her in how I was and we were done. So we've been apart 2 weeks now. When she comes by or text she has still been mad. It seems she texts me In Morning last 5 days. Gets to talking then says all that's wrong with us and then says we're done. Yesterday she text that it has been 3 years to the day first time we talked on phone. I tried to be nice and then she went into the what's wrong with me. She doesn't know me. She doesn't want to be In Relationship with a liar. That goes back to the smoking. And I let her down as her bf and her Dom. She has deleted he tumblr account and her email. Said she was gonna change her number. And I think she has now. I have always been able to reach her and us talk through things in a day or so after she calms. But she's stayed mad at me 2 weeks. Says this isn't gonna be like all other times that she's done, which that usually lasts only a day of saying it. She put up a wall and sees everything about me as bad and says I'm lot good for her and she doesn't know me and I'm a liar and an ass. Oh and the Sunday she came back to move. This happened. She was on phone with him and fussing at me. Pushed me and was yelling so I told her to give me her key and leave. That was a mistake and I did it in heat of emotions as she told me they'd slept together night before. And later said didn't. But also she started saying your house and I told her as much and it'll never be her home again. She doesn't see the reasons behind anything. All she sees is that I let her down. Now her number is changed and email. She has unblocked me on FB messenger and I've sent her a couple messages she's read but not responded too. I don't know if I've been split black/all bad, she's running, she's indecisive on what to do, or if it's just gotten so much she's overloaded and went back to what was her norm. It's killing me and I know she has to still love me and see what we had planned.

Ok I think that's it. I hope it all makes sense. Ask anything you'd like. Help please. Anything I can do?

[EaglesJuju]

That is quite a story.

It sounds like she goes back and forth quite often to her husband. It is the epitome of triangulation. The roles between her husband and you fluctuate from savior and persecutor, while she is in the role of victim constantly.  Do you feel that this is accurate?

What did you say in your messages to her?

[Lostinwonderland70]

At first I tries to talk about us. Then a borderline just said once a day say "I'm not gonna leave you, I love you, I'm still here for you"

[Lostinwonderland70]

Only once since we've been together did she say she actually went back to him, and that was after a big fight we got in in July. The other times she said she was running from us and scared. Idk.

[EaglesJuju]

At first I tries to talk about us. Then a borderline just said once a day say "I'm not gonna leave you, I love you, I'm still here for you"

She did not respond to these messages?

Yes, there is a fear of abandonment amongst pwBPD. On the other hand, pwBPD do have engulfment fears (fear of being lost or swallowed up by their partner). This is where the push-pull behavior comes in. A pwBPD will sabotage a relationship and then reestablishing closeness.   

Only once since we've been together did she say she actually went back to him, and that was after a big fight we got in in July. The other times she said she was running from us and scared. Idk.

Have you ever spoken to her about her relationship with her husband?

[Lostinwonderland70]

She reads them as says nothing. And yes we've spoke about her and her husbands relationship many times

[EaglesJuju]

She reads them as says nothing. And yes we've spoke about her and her husbands relationship many times

She may be feeling engulfed at the moment. Have you considered giving her a little bit of space? 

If you were to get back together, would you establish some boundaries with her about the husband?

[Lostinwonderland70]

It's been 3 weeks since she left well over now. And we had no contact at all for 7 days till I messaged her on Friday. Before that she reached out once a day but not to really talk. But maybe that's it. But she hasn't spoke a word at all for 9 days now. And I didn't for 6 before Friday.

[Lostinwonderland70]

Maybe more space is needed idk. And yes we'd have to have boundaries.

[EaglesJuju]

Maybe more space is needed idk. And yes we'd have to have boundaries.

From my experience, I found when I tried to pull my pwBPD closer during periods of engulfment/NC, I ended up pushing him away. It is the paradox of the disorder unfortunately.  I used that period of time to focus on myself.

What types of boundaries were you thinking?

[Lostinwonderland70]

I guess always before once we talked shed soften and things would go back easily. I guess I assume she still wants me here and to have a line of communication as she opened back up the messenger to me. We'd have to have boundaries on a lot. It's hard for me to really know what all till I know what has happened this time and what has happened in her leave.

[Lostinwonderland70]

And would this be engulfment based off what caused her to leave?

[EaglesJuju]

And would this be engulfment based off what caused her to leave?

Engulfment is essentially fear of intimacy; feeling that they are losing themselves in you.  PwBPD often say things such as, "I need space" or "I need to find myself" when they are feeling engulfed.

I cannot specifically say what triggered her. It could be a culmination of things.

[Lostinwonderland70]

She never said she needed space or anything. She said were done. But idk. It just felt like she's been waiting on me to say something the whole time. Like any other time she tries to run. That pulled her back. It was chaotic when she got triggered. I assume she got triggered. Idk

[Lostinwonderland70]

She has said that before though when she tried to run. Not this time.

[Lostinwonderland70]

Why if she says we're done would she leave the messenger open to us?

[EaglesJuju]

Why if she says we're done would she leave the messenger open to us?

She could want to keep communication open.

Do you feel that she is done?

[Lostinwonderland70]

No I feel if she was she wouldn't have left this line open. It feels like se is waiting on me to say right thing. Idk.

[Lostinwonderland70]

I've written her a vow or sorts. Well started before she left it was gonna kinda be my guideline for our life. But didn't finish till after. I want her to read it but I don't know where her mind is at with things right now.

[EaglesJuju]

No I feel if she was she wouldn't have left this line open. It feels like se is waiting on me to say right thing. 

Has this happened in the past, that she has waited on you to say the "right thing?"

[Lostinwonderland70]

Yes. She has in past it seemed but never to this great of an extent. And then been silent till I said something that seemed to trigger her or catch her heart.

[Mutt]

She reads them as says nothing. And yes we've spoke about her and her husbands relationship many times

Is she divorced from her husband?

[Lostinwonderland70]

I was helping her file this month. Before all this happened. It was a money issue and we decided to get house first so she could get away and make it easier on her.

[Mutt]

I was helping her file this month. Before all this happened. It was a money issue and we decided to get house first so she could get away and make it easier on her.

Do you think the husband may be the main relationship? This thread with 2010 may shed some light.

Exchanging knowledge with a replacement

[Lostinwonderland70]

That we had all discussed before. I see him as her norm. But not her main. She was very honest in all our talks about him.

[Mutt]

That we had all discussed before. I see him as her norm. But not her main. She was very honest in all our talks about him.

She's also not divorced from him would that not quantify as her main? She wants to file? How about letting her file... .

[Lostinwonderland70]

Legally yes. Buy other than that idk

[Mutt]

Legally yes. Buy other than that idk

She was being honest with you? I understand that it may be confusing that she is saying one thing and doing another. My angle is let her actions speak for her, if she truly wants to divorce and she's not trying to cope from the main r/s with you. I suggest give her space.