When they recycle, what are they thinking?

[sbr1050]

This question is just out of curiosity (as my 62 year old uBPDexbf seems blissfully happy with his 23 year old replacement):

When the pwBPD recycles, especially after having had replacements, what do they say to you when they try to establish contact with you?  I mean, how do they explain themselves, the coldness they showed you, etc. when they try to come back to you?

I honestly cannot see my ex trying to recycle to me ever. Number one: I know that I have been painted black.  He is not missing me or worrying about me.  I even know that I am being blamed for all the things that were wrong in the relationship.  I know he will NEVER feel he is disordered in any way, shape or form.  I am sure, in his mind, he just has never met the right person, the person wanted different thing, the person changed, etc.  He will never realize that he is the common denominator in these relationships. 

But I just wondered what pwBPD say when, after a period of time, they try to come back…….

[dagwoodbowser]

sbr sorry that this has happened to you. BPD's tend to be very impulsive and it's difficult to predict what they will do at any given time. I cant tell you what my BPDx was "thinking" during the 3 different times she reached out to me and because I was so caught off guard I didnt know what to really think the first 2 times. I was blaming myself and I wanted another opportunity to make things right.

Now as I can look back on the events she was not really thinking about anything other than scrambling to meet her emotional and sexual needs, a form of soothing as she uses intimacy for reassurance and comfort. In each instance I was replaced and typically after 3months those relationships would come crashing down and she would turn back to me because that's what I always was to her, he soother and comforter and we had a great sexual dynamic. In my mind she was coming back because she cared and loved me and wanted to make the relationship work. Now I understand that's not at all what her coming back was about. It was my own delusion wrapped up in an obsessive FOG that she really wanted a relationship with me. It was a total panic stricken reaction on her part due to abandonment fears.

I could likely go deeper into this but I wanted to at least respond to your question. If you are looking for a recycle be sure you are doing it for all the right reasons and that your emotional detachment is complete. In my case I wasnt detached at all so I was very vulnerable when she came back.

[sbr1050]

I am not looking for a recycle... .at this point, while still missing him, longing for the good times, etc., I honestly could not take him back.  He has embarrassed himself with others (dating a 23 year old at 62?) and I feel I have learned too much about BPD to be willing to put myself thru all of this again.  It would take a hell of a lot of therapy on his part for me to even consider it.  I really miss him... .A LOT!  But a part of me is very embarrassed that I was even with him, that I tolerated the abuse for so many years, all of it.  When I think of what he has done to me mentally, I really just want to heal and move on... .

I really just wondered about recycling.  We recycled in shorter terms.  A week, a month or two... .longest was 3 months.  And even then, there was some contact.  We both tried dating others.  I just understand now that there was a huge difference between me and him with that... .

[Suzn]

In my mind she was coming back because she cared and loved me and wanted to make the relationship work. Now I understand that's not at all what her coming back was about. It was my own delusion wrapped up in an obsessive FOG that she really wanted a relationship with me. It was a total panic stricken reaction on her part due to abandonment fears.

A recycle takes both partners. Both looking for comfort.

sbr my exBPDgf always sent the same text when she wanted to initiate contact that said "are you ok?" What it likely meant was "I'm not ok."

I was guilty of sending a few texts of my own to initiate contact. One I sent after over 4 months of being apart, it was an on/off again 5 year r/s.

We are vulnerable when we are still looking to another for comfort.

[JRT]

I recycled around 6 times... .each time was pretty much according to script: there was some sort of 'incident' (usually a non-incident to the extent that only days later, neither of us knew what had initiated the rift) ... .some time would pass... .she would send me an email or respond to some type of hook; 'the password to your web account is... .Have a good day... ."

Then there would be some phone exchange... .usually her being angry... .saying some preposterous things; "since you think this, then you will then say that, which means you will then do that and go to this place and I am just not ok with that." I recall always having to say, "please let me do my thinking for myself' each and every time. She was clearly attempting to draw me into her anger and be angry back except I kept control of myself and didn't allow it to happen.

We would then agree to meet. Of her own recollection, she would say that "once I say you I felt that all was well with the world' and had a look about her as if the weight of the world was lifted from her shoulders. I think that this might have something to do with 'object constancy' and might be why mine has worked so hard to block contact from me. Lastly, she would admit on her own that she 'needs to see somebody' but never made the effort. It was interesting how quickly everything all went back to normal.

It happened like this just about every time, with no mention of the events after the fact with the exception of her insisting that she 'took me back' some time later. 

[apollotech]

"What are they thinking?"

I can get this person back to soothe me. That's what they're thinking. It is an emotionally immature child wanting comfort. Don't be surprised if you get the "just checking on ya", "thinking about you (you crossed my mind)", "we can be friends", etc. text/call/email.