Breaking No Contact for a medical issue?

[broccoli girl]

I've been NC with my mother 3 years this spring.   I just learned that she broke her hip last month and needed a replacement -- this is the latest in a string of medical issues -- her arm and parts of the left side of her body have been semi- paralyzed for decades.  Over the last week she's left several messages asking me to call and I haven't responded. She is out of the hospital/rehab and now home with helpers.  

My unresponsiveness makes me feel extremely heartless and numb. I wouldn't treat a stranger this way. Her continuing medical issues have felt like crisis mode for me all over again -- the stress has been overwhelming.  I went to an AlAnon meeting last week to talk about the guilt of not responding (she also drinks and uses painkillers).  It was somewhat helpful but being there really emphasized the difficulty of this continuing situation.  

Tonight she left another message and I asked DH to listen to it.  From his report, things are very very bad and she is begging for help.  He was very upset after listening to the message. He is willing to call her... .I'm going to ask that he does that today, though I don't know to what end.

Has anyone broke NC for a medical issue?  How did it turn out?  Anything you wish you did/didn't do?  Advice welcomed.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi broccoli girl,

This sounds like such a struggle and difficult situation.  It also sounds like you care deeply and want to do the right thing.   (I am NC with my family now for many years.)

What I hear in your post is a great sense of what they call here FOG.

 

What would happen if you stripped your situation of the idea: "I should... .because it is the right thing for a daughter to do."

What do you want for you?

What do you think contacting her will do for you? (Both good and bad)

This may sound selfish to you, but that is exactly what I am wondering.  I wonder what you would come up with if you approached the situation as though no one was looking, no one will ever judge you... .and figure out what you truly want and need to do for you.

Not saying that you do not want to consider anyone but you into the final decision, however, just spend some time being selfish in your thoughts, see what you come up with... .see how they fit with everything else you have already thought of.

What do you think about that?

[Sunfl0wer]

Btw: maybe I sound heartless, but consider the idea that the pple caring for her," helpers" are possibly going to throw MORE guilt on you.  I imagine if you do decide to break NC at this point, consider that turning back and backing out under these circumstances may make resuming NC harder than ever, and possibly tie you into the situation legally?  Idk the situation enough, but just throwing out info so you can have all perspective to be aware of... .and decide from a position of being fully aware vs jumping in based on emotion.

Tough one!

[broccoli girl]

I'm actually more concerned with how I judge myself.  As in: can I sleep at night if I'm ignoring the calls of someone in such dire need (ok, I am sounding FOGgy).  I don't want to look back with regret.  There's a reason why I went NC -- her BPD behavior became intolerable.  But I just think about how I will want to be treated when I'm in my 70s. 

If I was being selfish then no, I would not respond. Contacting her (via my dh) will make me feel like I'm responding to someone in crisis.  I don't think I want her in my life again.  I miss her -- I miss having a mother, but she is just too much to be around.

The helpers are paid nursing assistants who she probably yells at or is racist toward.  She has very very few people left in her life.  Her only "friends" live thousands of miles away.

On the voice mail she says there are things she wants to say to me.  This feels like a wasp's nest.

[broccoli girl]

I finally listened to the message she left last night.  She says: "I want to talk to you and say goodbye and say some other things.”   It sounds either like:  a.) she is about to take a lot of painkillers   b.) she is trying to manipulate.  c.) both.

There have been numerous times throughout my life that she's "called to say goodbye".  It's a horrible manipulation tactic... .meant to get us to run to her rescue.

FUUUUUUCK.

[Sunfl0wer]

That is such a horrible situation to be in!  To think she is manipulating you with the idea that she is on her death bed.

I know most people would not do what i did, but I seriously have NC with my family... .even if it is from the death bed.  I felt I had to.  I have made peace with myself about this decision.  It was hard as heck, but just something I felt I needed to do to stop hurting myself and draining myself from the interactions. 

The way I thought about it was this:  if I was 80 and my son was in the same situation, how would I want him to deal with the situation?  I thought of how I love my son dearly and would never want him to go through that... .and so I told myself... .why do I deserve less?  I told my son... .if I am mentally incapacitated and it is a drain on you and your family... .know that I want you to live your life and not feel bound by mine.  If you can visit me... .and have it work ok for you and your family with good balance... .do what you feel is right.  However... .do not force yourself to strain yourself out of obligation while hurting you or your family in doing so.  Know that I want you to be free.  So that is how I felt I could do that in clear conscious.

Even tho I cannot have the loving mom I want, I can give freedom to my own child... .and that made it right in my head.

Maybe that is not the right thing for you, but just so you know... .I think it is definitely an option equally worth consideration.

I hope this is coming out ok... .working and writing in between stuff... .so kinda fast.

[ronallie]

I have been NC with my uBPDmom for approx 7 years now. Does that mean Nothing, nada, zilch? No. there has been an occasional email, brief phone call etc. I wouldn't call that contact or a relationship though. In those short interactions, I have offered my boundaries, and she has rejected them. In those situations, I interact because in the end am I going to look back and think what I did was mature, caring, and with boundaries? I don't want regret and pain later.

I always say if she tosses the ball in my court, I then toss it right back so it is never weighing on me.

About 5 years ago, My mother was ":)ying". Flying Monkeys came in to tell me about her and her woes. I didn't sit on it or torture myself with guilt. I called her and said, "I hear you have some unfortunate news"

She proceeded to tell me she had a slipped disc in her back... .NOT DYING. 

I told her to take care and goodbye.

Ball no longer in my court, The end. Now I have nothing hanging over my head.

You do not have to do anything you are uncomfortable with at all. I am not suggesting you call her today or do anything. I am simply sharing how I have handled these occasional upsets and how much better I feel when I nip it in the bud right away. I also know in the end, I have handled myself well without getting sucked in and without ever feeling guilty about it.

[broccoli girl]

update -- I had dh call her last night and now NC is far from my mind -- for better or worse.  She's really really bad.  She does have round the clock care.  She sounds broken and definitely is on a lot of oxycotin -- she was crying most of the call.  She broke her hip and some ribs.  While in the hospital they found cancer in her ribs and the drs are debating how bad it is, but bone cancer is pretty bad.  DH couldn't get more out of her than that and who knows how much of it is true.  She has no one and DH says he feels she is broken and not manipulating.  She wants to move closer to her brother.  She needs help navigating medical.  I'm a mess right now.  I'm just so sad and guilt ridden on so many levels.  I want to step in but don't know the first steps.

[Sunfl0wer]

What are you reasonably willing/able to do?  What kind of role do you see yourself wanting to have in this?

What kind of boundaries do you anticipate you might need?

While in the hospital they found cancer in her ribs and the drs are debating how bad it is, but bone cancer is pretty bad.  DH couldn't get more out of her than that and who knows how much of it is true. She has no one and DH says he feels she is broken and not manipulating

This sounds possibly contradicting to me.  Would her words not be true because she is confused?

This is tough stuff broccoli girl.  I'm glad you have DH for you.  Hang in there!

[laurakt17]

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear that your mother is in such bad shape.

I understand why you say you can't continue NC with her so sick.  My BPD mother died 18 months ago.  If I'd known her time was so limited, I would have broken NC.  I don't know what I'd have done, but I know that I live now with the guilt of having done nothing.

The worse part of living with a BPD mother is the constant abuse, and death is truly the only way that stops.  While I'm relieved she's gone and not making herself or us miserable, I miss her and wish that I could have said goodbye or made peace.

I wish you the best of luck.

[losthero]

Is there any way you can talk to a doctor or nurse to find out for sure what is going on? My mom has gone so far as call me from the hospital crying saying they are getting  ready to do open heart surgery and it turned out that she "thought" she was having a heart attack and they were running tests on her. Her heart is probably stronger than mine.  Its heartbreaking to see you struggle and not trust her because of all of her lies and manipulations in the past.  Its completely understandable why you are cautious with your heart and mind around her. 

[HappyChappy]

I hope your relative's health improves. I got a text saying "Your dad will die soon what are YOU doing." so we rushed to the hospital, only to find my BPD mom there. She’d clearly expected us, and she used the family dynamic to persuade us to help her with things back at her home (all planned). She went straight back into being abusive and disrespectful to my family. That was the only visit in the last 18 months.

It’s a tricky one, because we know BPD manipulate using waif like behaviour, but of course there’s always the element of doubt. My wife’s view has been , that we’ve done everything, my syblins have done nothing. So if no one else wants to step up, if my BPD insists on being abusive to those that help, then that shouldn't be our problem. It's her choice not ours.

Question is, if you don’t help your BPD ,what would happen ? Are you the only one that can help, or can you get a home helper ? If someone show no respect, is it fair for them to expect help ? Not saying our scenario is like yours, but if NC is healthy for you, be careful you’re not drawn in by waif like behaviour. My BPDm went over our heads writting to my young kids about all her ailments. They kept saying "shouldn't she be telling the Dr, not me ?". Hope your relatives get well soon.