Cuddling and pwBPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Okay so last night before bed I read something that triggered me really bad. On another post the gentleman was talking about BPD clues early in the relationship, one of them he said was how is ex gf would wake up in the middle of the night and say "Baby will you hold me?" He said this was part of her fear of abandonment, she wanted closeness and lots of hugs.

This triggered me really bad, I'm on the verge of crying big time and I have to get it under control because I have a big job interview today at 3pm.

My ex would say the EXACT same thing, it really triggered me because the last month or so I've been forgetting what her voice sounds like, but this I could hear her say in her voice. Or I'd lay down and she'd ask me "Confused can I spoon you?"  I always told her she never had to ask, just go in and do it :-)   There were times she would wake up in the middle of the night and either roll over and cuddle me, or ask me "Baby will you hold me?" Or shed ask if she could hold me. She always told how she felt so "safe" in my arms. At the time I just took it as a big compliment, now I wonder was it more of a protective role me as a father to her inner child?

I hate that right now I'm overanalyzing everything about my relationship, I think doing too much research is taking away some of the magic of what we had, and things that were true. But I'm the type that has to.

Did your ex really enjoy cuddling, or being held, or frequent hugs as a way to soothe themselves?

I'm not doing good right now and I have to refocus. I had a previous post where I mentioned I just want another night with her, not because of the sex but just to hold her, and be held.

[confusedinWI]

Okay so last night before bed I read something that triggered me really bad. On another post the gentleman was talking about BPD clues early in the relationship, one of them he said was how is ex gf would wake up in the middle of the night and say "Baby will you hold me?" He said this was part of her fear of abandonment, she wanted closeness and lots of hugs.

This triggered me really bad, I'm on the verge of crying big time and I have to get it under control because I have a big job interview today at 3pm.

My ex would say the EXACT same thing, it really triggered me because the last month or so I've been forgetting what her voice sounds like, but this I could hear her say in her voice. Or I'd lay down and she'd ask me "Confused can I spoon you?"  I always told her she never had to ask, just go in and do it :-)   There were times she would wake up in the middle of the night and either roll over and cuddle me, or ask me "Baby will you hold me?" Or shed ask if she could hold me. She always told how she felt so "safe" in my arms. At the time I just took it as a big compliment, now I wonder was it more of a protective role me as a father to her inner child?

I hate that right now I'm overanalyzing everything about my relationship, I think doing too much research is taking away some of the magic of what we had, and things that were true. But I'm the type that has to.

Did your ex really enjoy cuddling, or being held, or frequent hugs as a way to soothe themselves?

I'm not doing good right now and I have to refocus. I had a previous post where I mentioned I just want another night with her, not because of the sex but just to hold her, and be held.

[Heldfast]

Mine complained that I didn't just hold her enough. I though I did all the time. Looking back at the last month of our relationship, after we got engaged, she stopped asking me to hold her and stopped trying to cuddle... .she complained it was her fibromyalgia and just didn't want to be touched... .then she was just gone on to the replacement.

[dagwoodbowser]

At the time I just took it as a big compliment, now I wonder was it more of a protective role me as a father to her inner child?

Confused: I'm pretty sure that moment where she was wanting to be comforted was indeed a special moment for her as much as it was for you. A few months prior to my BPD dropping me she had 2 molars extracted. I took that day off to be with her and asked her what I could do for her. She flat out told me she wanted lots of TLC and to be babied. For most of that day I held her, caressed her forehead and hair as we watched a few movies and she clung on to me. The following day she went back to work. I sent her a text to see how she was doing. Hours later I get a simple response, ":)oing good." I was hurt that she seemed to brush off the day before with little to no contact and she usually got home around 530 pm. I didnt hear from her until almost 9pm. In my mind I had engulfed her and at least for that day she had more than her fill of me and now needed space. She was very aloof for a few days.

I now realize that almost anyone can be a pacifier to her and based on her emotional needs of that moment she will do or say what is needed to get that particular need met. Part of me wants to take great offense to being used as an emotional tampon and then discarded, but another portion of me feels sadness at what amounts to a vast emptiness and void that I now realize I nor any other man could ever fill or satisfy.

[confusedinWI]

Thanks for the kind words Dagwood I needed them. Im crying right now and I shouldnt. I believe in lots of those moments. I know they were real and those moments I miss but they are gone nkw never to be again with her. Bigger picture are my kids. Plus I want the whole package you know. I want to be vulnerable and be safe with someone and not have them flip on me the next day.

I feel ill never get past this sometimes when little triggers like this happen and thrn whats worse is I wonder if new man is just as receptive and kind to ber as I was. If he's not then I wonder if she even cares

[LeonVa]

Yep, mine did and the thing is, that I still remember was she wanted to talk in the middle of night 1AM to 2AMish, she would wake me up to just talk and I got a bit annoyed.

That was at the beginning of the relationship mind you.  So later on, I kindly told her let's make a rule and not talk after another person already slept? Sounded like a common sense to me... .

Other stuff that I felt was common sense is that if another person already slept, you would tip toe around the room and not make any noises right? Nope, she never cared, open the door, walk around the floor as if it's during daytime, that behavior never changed even after our son was born, woke up my son quite a few times.

Anyway, a bit off topic now, but yes, now thinking back, the fear of abandonment is rather obvious, I just thought at the time she liked talking to ME and cuddling with ME,  not the case. It could be any other guy who sleeps with her, same stuff.

[Achaya]

Plus I want the whole package you know. I want to be vulnerable and be safe with someone and not have them flip on me the next day.

Bingo! I try to keep this in mind every hour of every day! A lot of the love we shared with our BPD exes was real, I believe. The problem is that love is not enough. Safety and security comes from knowing that our partners feel more or less the same way about us this week as they did last week and will next week, assuming we haven't done something horrible ourselves. PwBPDs can't provide that, not for themselves and not for anyone else.

[Mutt]

Im crying right now and I shouldnt.

It's Ok to be vulnerable and not hold your feelings in. You have empathy for your kids and I understand you can see the bigger picture.

These break-ups are chaotic, confusing and painful. I think you'll be there for your kids, it's also Ok to grieve and process this stuff.

[zundertowz]

My ex didnt really like to be cuddled or touched... .it was either hardcore sex or dont touch me.

[Bassoutcast]

Yeah she loved to cuddle, we always sat down somewhere and cuddled, doesn't matter how public - malls, parks, you name it, we sat down embracing each other like love birds. She always wanted to spoon, for me to come to bed and cuddle when I was on the computer, it was cute... .towards the end her cuddles turned into her literally jumping on me and hugging me, hanging on me.

God I miss that.

[PaintedBlack28]

Oh I'm in pieces now, just read your post. I had many moments like those and I was very fond of them. Mine would also wake me up in the middle of the night and ask "Will everything be alright?" I would tell her "Sure baby" and she would fall asleep in no time.

Something very unsettling being alone in the bed room we used to share. I remember listening her breathing and it felt so great to have her i  bed with me. Now it's deaf silent, except for the pounding of my heart.

I miss her a damn lot.

[M033]

My Ex BPD partner was overly affectionate ,in the beginning, to the point that I felt suffocated.( He lied about his diagnoses as being anxiety, it was BPD with NPD traits as I found out, after our relationship)

*  He moved in to my home after about 9 months of dating.Due to his lease being up*

In the beginning it was wonderful to talk so effortlessly to someone, and have interests to share together. I never laughed as hard as I did with him then, or since then. His soft affection and the feeling of being "protected", and cherished by him was a great feeling of safety in the relationship.



 However, early in the relationship, he wanted to talk to me constantly. He would call me in the morning, on the way to work, at work, after work, through the evening, at bedtime, in the middle of the night..you name it. He said he was having anxiety and my voice helped soothe him. I had many times told him that I couldn't be his "pill" or fix for his anxiety, and  I was getting worn out. He expected that I would answer the phone regardless of time or what I was doing. He would get angry and upset saying I ignored his call or let it go to messages on purpose, even if I told him , I was working or sleeping etc.., and could not pick up at that time.

I broke up with him. I didn't talk to him for about 1 month. His phone calls and texts were heartfelt, sad and apologetic. His pleading, and him saying he was scared of losing me ,   that he just held on too tight and it was not ok, and he was sorry, eventually softened me into starting again. To my better judgement, I convinced myself I could handle one more try and I could just call it off again if the clinginess continued.

A few more months in: I had no privacy at any point , even going to the bathroom, on many occasions, he would follow and talk outside the door. He held my hand all the time, and wanted to snuggle up to me. In bed he would wrap his entire 6 foot body around me with all his weight on my 5'4 frame in a teddy bear type of grip hold. When I would slowly try to unwrap him or get out of bed, he would wake and get angry that I wasn't in bed with him. I would tell him I either had to get up due to hotness, body aches, or just to go to the bathroom. He said it made him feel like I abandoned him and he hates to not have me there when he wakes up. He started sleeping on the couch, saying he couldn't take rejection.

Sex/intimacy was fantastic the 1st month or so, but then he wanted validation and feedback on his "performance." The sex became over focused on my likings or not likings, and there were an overload of questions before during and after, wanting to know if I was "satisfied." It was like a great pressure on me to try and be real, and in the moment , but also to try and be able to enjoy the encounter instead of fret about it. His immersion became like an action figure playing off of some sort of checklist in his own head. It was not great sex/intimacy anymore, it was work.

 About 1 year in, he had extreme jealousy, and would make an argument out of the tone of my voice, the pitch of my voice, the words I chose, saying the look my eyes or face gave was "off" wasn't "right", to my body posture being "wrong". It would all be misconstrued into something I was not saying, thinking, or feeling; but to him it was a fact and "HE knew what I thought and felt".

From me being in constant defense mode from his accusations ,and explaining myself, to telling him I could not keep going in an unhealthy relationship , to breaking up 3 times before the final end, he just became more and more verbally abusive to being distant to highs and lows until all he had was anger towards everyone and everything.

I was worn out physically , emotionally, and spiritually. I felt imprisoned, depressed, and my once full of energy and full of life self became a hermit at home. My friends and family could take one look at me and see something was drastically wrong. I gained 35 pounds, (STRESS) and didn't reach out very often. I was embarrassed , and tired of crying from mere exhaustion.I didn't want them to know.

I asked him to go to counseling ( with or without me), and he refused, I then said I was done , and I could do no more.To say the least, he got weird, and toxic verbal word salad was thrown at me. He moved out of my home within one week, then blamed me for him not picking a good place out of his bad credit, and rush to move. He wanted me to pay him money back for things he gave or did during our relationship, but then said he paid another month for my cable.

Moral of the whole story is: NOTHING ANYONE does for someone with BPD that does not want to change or improve their condition, will ever BE ENOUGH for them.

Best wishes to all hurting hearts.

[Me88]

She loved cuddling. I do too though. It's just nice to hold my partner close. I like affection. It was always intense cuddling, as close as possible. Or she'd lay on my chest and just wrap her arms around me, I thought it was sweet. She would even lay her entire body on top of mine straddling me and I'd hold her, nothing sexual.

She would say 'I can't get close enough to you...I just want to crawl inside of you'. I'd laugh and say we couldn't get any closer. On weekends I'd be up early and do all of our chores and take care of the dogs/cats, she'd come out with a pouty face like a little kid and ask me if I could come lay in bed with her for 5 more minutes and hold her. I always did, it felt nice to be wanted like that. I'm a very touchy affectionate man.