Not the worst, not the best

[Skydog]

Hello,

first time writer here but I've been reading this board time to time since january. I started coming here after the first time I had tried to break up with my BPDgf, drunkenly, on new year's eve. Yeah, the MOST adult way, I know. Anyway, next day I took it all back but things got pretty bad and she started to act really depressed, I felt so much guilt, I thought she felt depressed because I couldn't stay on my word and break up, since apparently she couldn't do it. So after visiting here and talking to my best friend I faced the reality that this relationship is not working or never will, she needed someone stronger who have better self-esteem and I needed someone who was more stable. So I called her and talked in a very calm way and explained myself, she agreed but didn't agree on breaking up: "but we aren't in a hurry aren't we". And me, in a fear of ending up alone said 'no we are not'

Well, as you can guess things didn't go up from there. Actually, our relationship had really been downfall since february 2014 and we had started dating in late-december 2013. I was coming out from a difficult relationship, I had met her during it and I felt that we shouldn't move too fast, but still felt really good that I had someone new. I told her I want to take it slow. I felt that I really needed time to heal the wounds and not just to new boyfriend/girlfriend -type thing yet. She never really answered. And boom! in early january 2014 I found myself in a situation where she asked if she was my girlfriend. My answer was 'well, are you' :D cos, even at that point I felt that this was not right thing to do and there was something horribly wrong with this relationship. Well, we ended up being bf/gf anyway.

From the beginning I felt that the things we wanted in life, from sex to how people look and what they do for living didn't match quite well. But of course there were so many things that matched, we both have same kind of work which we are passionate about, enjoy art, have lots or mutual friends etc. I started to pleasure her needs and left myself behind, I remember thinking that the kind of sex she wanted was great but not what I wanted all the time, she needed aggression and fast passion, when, even thou I enjoyed it, I needed also gentle love and slow actions. I started to think that well, I'm probably wrong and she knows better. That's what I thought about most of the things. Pretty quickly she started to want to change the way I look. I felt she wanted someone who's totally other than me. And I feel that was quite true. I have never really felt good about the way I look so I kind of agreed on some things but some of the things she wanted me to change were just not me. I never really told her this but I never really changed those things that I didn't want either. This was ongoing thing during our relationship. I couldn't say that 'that's not I want' cos I felt that If i had told her so I had lost her. I really lied to myself but now I know: you can't be in relationship with someone who wants you to look like something you are not or something you don't feel good with!

So, I remember feeling quite weird and unsure from almost the beginning, but at the same time I was proud to be with her. Sho told me about her BPD in pretty early stage, but I didn't really understand what it was and stupidly enough didn't look for this place. During some of our most problematic stages she send me some links to articles but I still didn't really understand and didn't realize that it was something I should have really thought. She was (and is) going to thearpy and had had medical treatment for her illness, but she quit the medical last summer because she thought they made her numb.

At first there where a lot of sex, but pretty quickly it started fade. We had a short vacation in March 2014 and good vibes were mostly back there. But few weeks after that bad vibes were back. That didn't last long, but little by little there was less sex or kissing and touching. She told me she had experienced this earlier in longer relationship too. I, of course told myself it was just a phase. During our last months together this year she barely could touch me and at that point I wasn't trying to kiss or anything else too often cos' I didn't want her to feel pressured. I started to feel bad for wanting her, and frustrated knowing she couldn't even touch me properly anymore. Little by little her love for me faded, but we both just stayed there.

Now I understand that I am myself codependant, not the worst but I think  I still have lot of it in me, and I just couldn't give up even tho I talked about it to my friends and to her first time LAST SUMMER. So our relationship was pretty bad for last 10-8 months and I just couldn't leave. There were good times, there were some passion, there was always something, but overall feeling was that I just should leave this behind. Sometimes there was talk about future together, planning trips from her side but next day they were gone. I was involved with her personal life but that didn't seem to matter after events passed. I wondered many times myself that why I just can't do it and go. We had a week long break last august and for a little while things got better, but before that I just felt I couldn't do anything, I really couldn't meet my friends or enjoy summer, I just felt bad. Now that I know a little better I know these are symptons of BPD/codependant relationship, I thought everything I wanted was her and when we had a bad time going on I couldn't think of anything else.

We finally broke up week and a half ago, I was totally devastated, I felt that I will die. And same time I was thinking WHY i am feeling like this, I had felt bad in this relationship for almost a year and I was still feeling amazingly bad. I understand some of this better now but of course I still feel bad, but mostly I feel sad. There's a still positive vibe background because I kinda know I'm feeling bad for being alone rather than not with her. And this is something I'm working with now. I started to look for new people to go on a date with already last week but now I really know I need to stay alone for a while and get to enjoy being with myself. It's not gonna be easy but I know I can do it!

We have been in contact pretty many times during these few weeks, couple of phone calls, texts and even met twice, once just two of us. I really miss her but not during any of these times I've felt that I have missed to be in a relationship with her (except for first days but even then I just knew it would have been great just to ease the pain of being alone). Reading this forum and page I have understood that things can never go back to way they were and things I want in life I can find with someone else and also with myself. I still wait her to contact me and like to talk to her and I feel really sad not to be with her, like at the end of relationships usually,, but I kind of feel that it's getting better already. I know first BIG thing will be when she finds someone else, but that's life, even if you're BPD or not, and has lot to do with my codependency. I have to learn to get over these thing by some other way than finding a new gf, it's not a long term solution.

I'm feeling pretty positive right now but it has much to do with this and few other forums. Mornings are the worst, I feel totally alone, empty and sad, but during the day I start to feel better. Thank you! I'll be reading and writing here and seek and give help when needed. I'm right now working with my own problems and trying to understand her's. She's not the worst case and she has a lot of good in her.

Right now I'm trying to figure out: what to do? Can I be her friend or am I just lying to myself? Why I stayed in this relationship for this long feeling really bad? Sometimes I think that this break up is not feeling so bad cos' I had felt really bad for a while, this is just a different kind of bad. Reading about BPD/codependency relationships bring me down but I think I should read them still. Thank you.

[cosmonaut]

Hi Skydog



I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup.  These are incredibly damaging and painful breakups.  My breakup with my ex was the most painful, most miserable experience of my life.  I'm so sorry that you are going through this as well.  I assure you that things will eventually get easier, even if it is hard to see it now.  Mornings were the worst for me too.  Something about waking up and realizing this is all real and she's gone hits hard.  I was a little better once I dragged myself out of bed and got to work.  So, I can understand, man.

It sounds like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders, and you already have quite a bit of awareness about the dynamics of BPD.  You already can see the classic push/pull dynamic in your relationship where your ex would pull close only to them push you away.  It's extremely confusing and hurtful for us, and it often is something we struggle to make sense of.  Learning about BPD suddenly allowed so much that didn't make any sense before, to suddenly make sense.  It was like a revelation to me.  I think one of the positive things we can do early in our relationship is to read up about BPD and start to recognize all of these behaviors in our relationship given that new context.  It sounds like you've already begun that.

Anyway, I know how hard this is.  It's a miserable experience, but we are all here to support you.  All of us can understand what you are going through.  You're not alone.   

[Skydog]

Hi!

Thank you for your words, they mean much to me. This morning is really hard, I'm feeling tired and depressed. One thing I just can't understand is that why I miss her so much since we had bad times for so long and I felt really depressed and down with her for long time. I think that this kind of has to do with my fear of being alone, which I really need to work out.

I also seem to always forget that lot of stuff had to do with BPD, like that push and pull, I just thought and sometimes still think that I just wasn't worth it.

[LonelyChild]

I do not mean to come across as rude, or to trigger you or anything, but you seem to have quite a few borderline traits yourself... .

[Skydog]

I do not mean to come across as rude, or to trigger you or anything, but you seem to have quite a few borderline traits yourself... .

Hi! I think you're right but I feel that codependency has lot of same traits. I just feel that diference is that I WANT to be in relationship and BPD wants someone to push away, maybe. This is all so new to me.

I find myself thinking that 'maybe things would have changed', having never dealt with anyone who has mental problem I always seem to forget it. She told me that she knows that she can never have a healthy relationship and probably no one can be happy with her for a long time. Still I was always thinking 'maybe it will change, maybe we can have a  happy life together for rest of our lives'

[cosmonaut]

I understand, Skydog.  The bond formed in a relationship with a BPD partner is often very loaded.  This is what tends to happen in relationships that have such degrees of mirroring and idealization.  Are you familiar with the use of the term "honeymoon stage" of a BPD relationship?  This is the point early in the relationship where the mirroring and idealization is most intense, and it is an incredible experience for most people.  And it's what we constantly seek to return to, except that the relationship is no longer able to return to that stage, because the opposing features of BPD have now also been activated by the degree of emotional intimacy that formed.  That's where the push/pull cycle really begins.  This is so incredibly common, and almost everyone here can relate.  I think that is one of the reasons that you are missing your ex so much even as you recognize that there were problems.

Have you read the article Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder yet?  It's one of the best articles on the site for people in our situation that are exiting a BPD relationship.  It might also help to explain some more about the features that can get us so attached.  Maybe you will find it an interesting read.  The Lessons that are stickied at the top of the board are well worth looking through as you have time, too.  For me, reading up about BPD breakups brought so much context to what had happened.  I hope it helps you too.

Keep posting, man.  I know how painful this is, and it helps to talk to others about it who can understand.