4 months out

[lawman79]

Hey guys

So an update on where I am at just over 4months out.  So it has been 4 months since I have had any contacted with my UDBPD exgf.  As I said in previous posts, she wasn't the kind to break up suddenly, but she was at the more vioient / scary / abusive end of teh spectrum. We were together a little over a year. 

So where am I at... .

-I have been NC for 4 months, and the urge to contact her is minimal.  I have not heard from her either, but I really do think even if she did contact me, I don't think I would be affected or and I doubt I would respond. Admittedly, part of me would still like to hear from her, but if I am honest I think that's only for the ego boast / validation.

-I have been dating since about 2 months out.  I recently met someone fantastic that I see real potential with.  Being in a healthy relationship really is night and day.  It's nice to be with someone that wants me rather than someone who needs me.

-I still miss the ex, and sometimes find my self thinking about the good parts of teh relationship. I think these feelings will decrease over time, but it will be slow. 

-I still think about her multiple times a day, but that is slowly decreasing.

-I have been in therapy since early March and I think it has helped a bit.  I am starting to address the low self esteem issues that kept me from leaving the relatonship early on. 

So overall I would say I am doing OK, not wonderful, but OK.  I would give myself a B-

Also there are some other issues  in my life that have nothing to do with my exgf... .namely my job is pretty miserable.  I have been trying to find a new one.  Earlier this week I was rejected from a job a position that I interviewed with it, and it defeinitly made me start thinking about the exgf.  I guess that's normal.  If everything else in my life was going wonderful, I have to imagine I would be thinking about her even less.

[peacefulmind]

I am happy to hear you're doing well. NC sounds like it's a great detachment tool for you. Are you currently implementing other ways of coping other than NC?

Keep going, you're an inspiration.

[lawman79]

 NC is the only tool that I know.  I am talking to a therapist too.  Can you or anyone else suggest any other tools?

[cosmonaut]

Hi lawman.

I'm glad to hear that things are mostly going well for you.  It sounds like you have been making some very nice progress in your healing.  Congrats.   

In my opinion the most important tool is honesty.  Being honest with ourselves.  Honest with how we feel, how we are wounded, how we grieve.  Honest about our faults and failures, as well as our triumphs and virtues.  Honest about our relationships and our role as a partner.  There are many psychological tools that people use for this and entire schools of psychotherapy devoted to it.  Even Freud talked of the critical important of reality testing (asking if a thought is actually true).  My advice is to continue your work on yourself.  Work with your therapist.  And strive for complete honesty.  That is where the payoff comes from.

[WhataDisaster11]

Hi Lawman

Good for you. I'm only one week out and you give me hope.