Why did your ex discard you?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was wondering what everyone's thoughts are for reasons of being discarded by your ex (if you were) or if a certain event happened that caused the finalization of the devaluation phase.

For me I think it was 2 factors:

1: Jealousy/Loss of Control:  I was smoking weed everyday when I met her, which definitely helped her maintain control over me and helped to continue her manipulation. I stopped and began to start using it only once every few weeks , when she would have another tantrum. I also started dropping other bad habits like hanging out with friends who do nothing all the time, stopped playing video games, started spending a lot of time studying for school. I believe this made her feel as though I was getting stronger and she was losing control over me. She told me she resented me, although didn't know why, I think feel she was jealous of me for improving myself because she can't and felt that the only way to make herself feel better was to punish me.

2. Shame: I think she hated herself for the way she treated me in comparison to how I treated her. I believe she didn't want to treat me this way but because of her disorder it was impossible not to. She couldn't live with the shame any longer so she cast off all blame to me via projection and left.

[Tay25]

I was wondering what everyone's thoughts are for reasons of being discarded by your ex (if you were) or if a certain event happened that caused the finalization of the devaluation phase.

For me I think it was 2 factors:

1: Jealousy/Loss of Control:  I was smoking weed everyday when I met her, which definitely helped her maintain control over me and helped to continue her manipulation. I stopped and began to start using it only once every few weeks , when she would have another tantrum. I also started dropping other bad habits like hanging out with friends who do nothing all the time, stopped playing video games, started spending a lot of time studying for school. I believe this made her feel as though I was getting stronger and she was losing control over me. She told me she resented me, although didn't know why, I think feel she was jealous of me for improving myself because she can't and felt that the only way to make herself feel better was to punish me.

2. Shame: I think she hated herself for the way she treated me in comparison to how I treated her. I believe she didn't want to treat me this way but because of her disorder it was impossible not to. She couldn't live with the shame any longer so she cast off all blame to me via projection and left.

[Hindsight2020]

For me I think it was because I began pulling away from her once things got out of control. She made me feel like I was insane, and I really just needed space. But she took that as we were over, and she immediately latched onto someone else. Now I feel like this was for the best. She was bringing no positive outcomes into my life. She would hype me up just to bring me down again.

[Invictus01]

To be honest - no idea. 3 weeks after introducing me to her parents, a week after we scheduled a weekend for me to come and meet with her again, she went to a happy hour with her sister. Then, she text'd me and told me that her mother showed up unannounced. I obviously have no idea what happened during the happy hour but I didn't hear from her again that evening and then after two weeks of ever diminishing contact, she simply disappeared. The only thing I can think of is that her mother said she liked me when we met at the introductions dinner (whether she meant it or not, who knows) which in her mind turned into "He is like my mother!" and since she hates her mother with a red hot passion, I was immediately split black and gone. Either way, just about anybody I told the story and how everything went down, the response was "Is she alright in the head?"

[valet]

She had no reason for it other than that 'she was not in love with me anymore' and 'couldn't give me the love that I gave her'.

Of course, it was more complicated than that on a variety of levels, but I have a suspicion that she will never fully come to terms with that fact or make any sort of detailed, true investigation into her own behaviors or mine.

These are the reasons as far as I believe so far, however. They echo yours:

1.) I was secretly very jealous and paranoid in the last few months. She was pulling away from me and investing herself in people outside of the relationship a lot more than me, while still operating under the status quo of 'being committed' to me.

2.) Fear of abandonment: it got to a point where she was stonewalling me and being so impossible to talk to that I think that she just couldn't handle the guilt of how things were progressing, and she didn't want me to break one day and leave her due to the circumstances. I think that she made the right decision for me, in the long run, but not for herself. This is a very specific pain that I need to figure out for myself, because I still partially feel that by loving her as I was able to, I hurt her in a way that I could never imagine. I want her to move on in a good way and feel at peace with our relationship, but I feel that she won't be able to for some reason. This, however, is the nature of the disorder. So maybe I have yet to fully accept that she is disordered in a peculiar way.

[Bassoutcast]

She gave me reason, even had a break up talk where she explained herself (kudos, since this is HARD for a BPD).

She gave me ST for a few days after I had an anger outburst on the phone with her (not exactly about her, about her boss, yelling triggers her), after a few days of putting up with ST I told her it's not fair that when she has her problems (suicidal, depression,panic attacks, etc) I come rushing at her aid, calming her down (be it by phone or actually rushing to her, she lived in a DIFFERENT CITY, an HOUR away) , and when I'm having a crisis she throws me under the bus, after everything I did for her... .she turned these words into "you're not putting enough effort into this r/s, unlike me" - went berserk on me, told me I was pushing her with things like moving in together (BS, she was just as into it as I was, but all of a sudden she did it "because she saw how important it was to me and didn't want to hurt me", told me she always canceled on her friends to meet with me (BS , she HAD NO FRIENDS, a week earlier I asked her about it, told her it's nice to have a r/s and parents around her but she should get some girl-friends, she said she had no time for it), been neglecting her hobbies for me (BS, I kept telling her to make time for them, even made her promise numerous times she'd paint or learn a new song on her guitar, etc). In short - EVERYTHING I did with good intentions she turned black and made it like I'm some sort of a demon.

Truth be told - I was clingy AF during the last stages, mostly paranoid, but that's UNDERSTANDABLE when your girlfriend tries to commit suicide twice in half a year, and is always a ticking time-bomb of sudden depression, OF COURSE I WAS WORRIED.

As they say, "even Mother Theresa would be painted black eventually"

[Dr56]

Tay25:

I think she hated herself for the way she treated me in comparison to how I treated her. I believe she didn't want to treat me this way but because of her disorder it was impossible not to. She couldn't live with the shame any longer so she cast off all blame to me via projection and left.

I think this played a huge role in the recent downfall of my marriage. At times it was as though the more patient and understanding I was, the angrier she would get; she'd periodically say things such as, "Well, I guess I'm just an evil, horrible person!" when I'd merely ask her to be more considerate of my feelings when she spoke to me in a particular tone. Toward the end, she would tell me how she was making a real effort to treat me better, and for a time, I thought she was; but I can see now that she was merely suppressing her rage. And as you say, in the end it came out in the form of big-time projection, mostly via her claiming, on her way out the door, that I'd neglected her every single need over 9.5 years (when telling me a mere week before that our relationship was stronger than ever).

Valet:

it got to a point where she was stonewalling me and being so impossible to talk to that I think that she just couldn't handle the guilt of how things were progressing, and she didn't want me to break one day and leave her due to the circumstances. I think that she made the right decision for me, in the long run, but not for herself.

This is certainly a feature of these folks - the, passive-aggressive, self-sabatoging behavior, that in a very perverse way, can ultimately benefit the person getting dumped. My wife did the same - withheld EVERYTHING from me over the last 9 months of the r/s, I suspect so that I could not have any real input at all into the decision to end it. The final word always had to sit with her. Oddly, I think she probably saved me a year or two of pain by walking out on it when she did, as I would have been inclined to hear her out, for a little while longer at least.

[Wood stock]

Because I quit putting up with his bullcrap... .he couldn't tow the line, so he raged at me and ended the relationship. And then blamed me... .

[dobie]

Her reasons were

1.) We bickered all the time (hard not to when she was irritable, argumetitive  and picked fights constantly )

2.) She was sick of my lack of enthusasim for going out trying new things (hard to be interested in things when you are depressed and emasculated by your r/s with your s/0)

3.) Money she earnt a lot more as the years went on

4.) She claims she lost respect for me , I imagine this to be true because she only respects douchebags , selfish people and bullies

5.) She didn't like my loyalty of sticking things out if we ever had kids even if I don't love her

The real reasons are thus ... .


1.) She had no other fingers to point at why she was not happy so it must be me/us

2.) She got new friends who are as selfish as her and enabled her sense of entitlement

3.) I suspect cheating

4.) The power dynamic in the r/s changed I stopped being such a selfish douche over the last three years and stopped demanding my needs were met . I  became her emotional zombie and punch bag and a shell of my former self she knew I was caught by her hook line and sinker behold the terrible QUEEN !

5.) She triangulated her scumbag of a father we despised each other

6.) She is paranoid and distrusting she was worried I would divorce her or rather that she was going to divorce me and I would take all her money  

7.) She is not capable of sustaining a mature and long term adult r/s sharing caring and being there more sometimes than the other in a r/s its her and her needs problem 80% of the time .

[Tay25]

Valet:

it got to a point where she was stonewalling me and being so impossible to talk to that I think that she just couldn't handle the guilt of how things were progressing, and she didn't want me to break one day and leave her due to the circumstances. I think that she made the right decision for me, in the long run, but not for herself.

This is certainly a feature of these folks - the, passive-aggressive, self-sabatoging behavior, that in a very perverse way, can ultimately benefit the person getting dumped. My wife did the same - withheld EVERYTHING from me over the last 9 months of the r/s, I suspect so that I could not have any real input at all into the decision to end it. The final word always had to sit with her. Oddly, I think she probably saved me a year or two of pain by walking out on it when she did, as I would have been inclined to hear her out, for a little while longer at least.

I have to agree, the stonewalling is a sad part of this disorder and extremely annoying. My ex would let things build up then throw a huge tantrum. When I tried to talk to her about them she wouldn't even listen, she'd sit with her arms crossed looking away. Only time she would talk is to yell and bring up another "issue". This childish behavior got extremely annoying and I told her you have to stop doing this as it doesn't help if I don't know what the problem is and she nodded yet continued to do it later.

I feel exactly as you do, I am very thankful she walked out when she did as this cycle of abuse could have easily went on much longer. Its insane how clear everything becomes after it is over, the whole time during the r/ship I was in the FOG and didn't see how abusive her behaviors were. She was able to manipulate me so well into believing that I was the problem and that "I needed to change".

Because I quit putting up with his bullcrap... .he couldn't tow the line, so he raged at me and ended the relationship. And then blamed me... .

Sort of the same situation with me. She would keep starting fights but couldn't explain why she felt hurt and resentment,etc. I told her I'm tired of this S*** and I want a real relationship, not this. This is when she panicked and went to to rage mode, she said everything she could think of to hurt me as much as possible before leaving.

1.) She had no other fingers to point at why she was not happy so it must be me/us

I think this is a recurring pattern in all of them, and has to do with their emotional immaturity. They can't take responsibility for their own happiness so it must be our fault they are unhappy.

[Lifewriter16]

My BPDexbf said he was finishing with me because:

"I feel I'm fighting an uphill battle with your insecurities just to be with you and I can't do it any more. It's just too tiring. You will never see how much you matter to me and I can't live like that"

Yet, he asks me if I want to finish with him when he's cross, tells me I'm ranting when I'm calm, cancels dates whenever he is angry, tells me that it'll be my fault if I lose him, has had 7 or more major rows with me in the last two months, three of which led to us actually finishing, the others just contained threats or hints that he would leave. All because I sought to redress the imbalance in the relationship.

[Beach_Babe]

For me I think it was because I began pulling away from her once things got out of control. She made me feel like I was insane, and I really just needed space.

Did you explain this to her before the breakup?

[Hindsight2020]

For me I think it was because I began pulling away from her once things got out of control. She made me feel like I was insane, and I really just needed space.

Did you explain this to her before the breakup?

I did yes, I told her I felt like I needed to do some things for myself and that I'd neglected a lot of my passions. I literally just needed some time to myself. Not even for a long period of time. Next thing I know she's posting photos with a new guy, and suddenly they were dating

[zundertowz]

I was so damn exhausted and depressed from the 2 years prior that I completly withdrew from the relationship... .I was holding on for dear life to my sanity... .thats when her abuse went to the next level of being physical, police threats, and throwing me out once and a while... .I should have never been with her but definatly should have left a year earlier.  The final argument was about her medicating her children which led to a week of stone walling to threats of the police, all of which became a routine... .I left this time for good.

[peacefulmind]

I still don't know what happened in mine  :'( From one day to the other, my ex stopped talking to me. I was then later told by him/her that he/she needed some time alone, and I should just wait. So I tried. After 2 weeks of silent treatment (not a word) I reached out a final time to try (had been 3 times before then, where I reached out) and mend things, offered to talk, but I was already painted black and still am this day today, and that was enough. I was out of my mind with depression and the feeling of being let down in a very important time in my life, so I had to walk away... .

I will never hear from my ex-BPD again. After many years of friendship and a, what i thought, amazing relationship, I was left alone, with no explanation other than, need a bit of time alone (told me he/she didn't want to break up). This is the worst reality. That I will never hear or see my ex-BPD again, and even if I gave it my best, it was all in vain

[ThanksForPlaying]

Mine used her child as an excuse, but I feel like she would have used any other excuse that popped up.  She decided she needed to move closer to her S7, even though he's not that far away, and she really only wants to move about half way to him anyway.  After she made the decision, she seems much more calm that she's doing something for her son, and I'm not moving because every guy she dates leaves her anyway (story in her head).  Her narrative is complete and she hates me at the moment, but I'm sure I'll be recycled as soon as the next guy comes along.

[rickdeckard]

The first time was because her ex husband (one son together) didnt like me. Curious, because he had never seen me or exchanged a single word with me. The one time I got a chance to talk to him, she said "NO, I DO NOT WANT YOU TALKING TO EACH OTHER"... .

Second time... .sneaky... .said she "needed some space"... .exBF car was at her house that night... .I don't know if that was her discarding me (I think so). I Discarded her immediately after.

So... .why did she do that?

She says it's because I "hate her".

So, according to her, I was discarded because I hate her. Because she wasn't good enough, because she was bad, she was a disappointment (words she used)

So, I guess, that's why. She discarded me because I hate her, she is no good, a bad person, a let down.

I never said any of that.

  :'(

[Deeno02]

Not going to get into it as Ive said it many times before. Short version? I didnt matter. I was simply an ego boost until someone else came along befitting of her socio-economic group of friends. One sided, mirrored relationship until I was no longer of any use. Dumped and the following week with her old college buddy. Going on 9 months now. Finally starting to feel somewhat human again.

[Infared]

She gave me reason, even had a break up talk where she explained herself (kudos, since this is HARD for a BPD).

She gave me ST for a few days after I had an anger outburst on the phone with her (not exactly about her, about her boss, yelling triggers her), after a few days of putting up with ST I told her it's not fair that when she has her problems (suicidal, depression,panic attacks, etc) I come rushing at her aid, calming her down (be it by phone or actually rushing to her, she lived in a DIFFERENT CITY, an HOUR away) , and when I'm having a crisis she throws me under the bus, after everything I did for her... .she turned these words into "you're not putting enough effort into this r/s, unlike me" - went berserk on me, told me I was pushing her with things like moving in together (BS, she was just as into it as I was, but all of a sudden she did it "because she saw how important it was to me and didn't want to hurt me", told me she always canceled on her friends to meet with me (BS , she HAD NO FRIENDS, a week earlier I asked her about it, told her it's nice to have a r/s and parents around her but she should get some girl-friends, she said she had no time for it), been neglecting her hobbies for me (BS, I kept telling her to make time for them, even made her promise numerous times she'd paint or learn a new song on her guitar, etc). In short - EVERYTHING I did with good intentions she turned black and made it like I'm some sort of a demon.

Truth be told - I was clingy AF during the last stages, mostly paranoid, but that's UNDERSTANDABLE when your girlfriend tries to commit suicide twice in half a year, and is always a ticking time-bomb of sudden depression, OF COURSE I WAS WORRIED.

As they say, "even Mother Theresa would be painted black eventually"

Yes... .ah yes... .the rewriting of your history altogether into a new story to make you the demon.

So, so familiar.

I think(?) that mine mine ran off with her new supply because I did not ask her to marry me.  We lived together for 5 years, she did not want children, I loved her to death... .got along great with her families, etc... .but (I am guessing... .I will never know),  I think that she just developed this giant resentment (Immaturely never discussing how angry she was with me), and she used that to justify shopping for her new supply while still showing me that everything was just fine. I will never know for sure. Hard to figure out someone is is an expert liar.

Then after she ran off, (being safely in her new relationship that she TOTALLY denied)... .she completely rewrote our history in a very negative way, to benefit her and trash me... .all whilst in the comfort of her new man.

Hurtful. Ugly stuff.

[sbr1050]

Well, the day he stormed out, he screamed at me that I was an "f-ing b%#}h" and that he was afraid of me. 

But, really, I believe it was because,

1.  He had a new supply ready, willing and able,

2. I would wake up in the middle of the night with him staring at me, asking me, "why don't you love me more? What can't you committ."  I was with him for 18 years and we were trying to have a baby together. 

I think I just wasn't enough for him. And never could be... .

[Trog]

She didn't. I did, I dumped her and recycled her many times. However, she's the only woman who I acted that way with of about 6 long term girlfriends otherwise I would, and have, considered it is myself with BPD. I have very poor boundaries with my ex, I found her so attractive and loved her so much I let her do things that really hurt me and caused me lots of resentment that eventually I'd become indignant, explode and chuck her out. Not sure if you can have a co-dependent who push/pulls, probably.

She doesn't speak to me now because she is hurt and probably moving on, our marriage failed and she's not interesting in re-igniting it unless I go to therapy. I should and do go to therapy, but there's more than one person in that relationship that needs help.

[Vatz]

I think it was a couple of things.

The reserves of patience I had for her had gotten thin. I think during a panic attack she was having i spoke to her too harshly. I feel remorse for this. I was clearly in the wrong. I apologized and validated her feelings.

The other thing was we stopped doing things or going to places. Although my T said I was already doing more than enough for her, this is still something I felt sort of bad about.

I had been letting her stay with me after her mom and dad kicked her out. I needed her to find another place. This was selfish but from a pragmatic standpoint it made sense. All the other options involved placing trust in her that I no longer had. This I think triggered her. Not only fear of abandonment but also I suppose the memory of being kicked out by parents.

I can honestly say I feel for her. So I tried to give her adequate time and promised both support and a return to how things were. I'd take care of myself but we would be going out the way we used to. But... .the fear and feelings of betrayal she must have experienced were all too real.

She broke up with me sometime last year and yadda yadda she's gone. Her breaking up with me I wouldn't call discarding. She made a viable choice given the situation. It was a good call on her part. I had little to offer and it would take much time to rebuild after all the damage. Easier to start something new with someone else-for her at least. So I wasn't a particular loss to her.

Much harder for me to start with someone new so the time and work would be... .more justifiable from my standpoint.

Cost of dumping me and finding someone new was less than the cost of sticking it out. Very simple.

But good on you for getting your business sorted Tay25. Cheers.

[Achaya]

Mine left a note saying she wanted "more." It hurt a lot at the time, made me feel like I am not enough for her. Actually now there's a bitter humor in it. When we got involved it was because she wanted "more" than the nonsexual friendship we had. When we started spending so much time together it was because she wanted "more." I gave her all of me and everything else I could, then she seemed to be bored. I think that wanting "more" may be one of the driving motives in my ex's life. You can never really get satisfied when you are trying to fill yourself up from the wrong source. My ex needs to get what she needs from herself, but she never looks there.

[JRT]

7 months later and I have no clue... .I have looked over my FB IM sessions going back days before her disappearance... .there was not even a hint of what was about to come. IN fact, she seems to be settling in to a new phase of our relationship where she had only moved in three weeks prior and we began to plan our wedding and make plans for our(my) house and such. Even photos I took 2 days prior showed her clowning around, laughing and enjoying herself.

I went out of town on business and she moved out while I was gone. Had no clue that this was coming at all. No arguments or disagreements... .nothing. She NEVER indicated that there were any problems - in fact, by all standards, it seemed to be a very successful relationship. Devalued and discarded overnight!

I suspect that she was already feeling engulfment fears. Notwithstanding, her son moving out of the house and in with his dad as well as my leaving out of town for work were huge triggers for her. Despite having a good r/s, these triggers were too huge to overcome. I have not heard a word from her since... .

[Deeno02]

Mine left a note saying she wanted "more." It hurt a lot at the time, made me feel like I am not enough for her. Actually now there's a bitter humor in it. When we got involved it was because she wanted "more" than the nonsexual friendship we had. When we started spending so much time together it was because she wanted "more." I gave her all of me and everything else I could, then she seemed to be bored. I think that wanting "more" may be one of the driving motives in my ex's life. You can never really get satisfied when you are trying to fill yourself up from the wrong source. My ex needs to get what she needs from herself, but she never looks there.

I got the constant bad boyfriend or treat me special or lose me speeches. Not sure how much more special a guy who was willing to take her and 5 kids.

[runningup]

I heard she had been telling everyone I was controlling, which in isolation, ie without the rest of the story may well seem it.

If she had told the whole story, that mid way through the relationship she cheated by sending naked photos to guys she knew, and the psych and councellor said she needed to remove those people from FB to ave a healthy trusting relationship with me, was fine, but leaving that out, and just saying he dictated who I could be friends with ie controlling, yes it may seem like a truth, but alas the whole story is never told.

Add to that in the 3 yrs together, I was NEVER told I was controlling, and in psych sessions with her, it NEVER came up, I think it was more an after thought to paint me black.

[myself]

Instant pressure release, and less final, to discard me instead of herself.

[still_in_shock]

He discarded me because i was in between jobs and was taking a while to find one. Our income has drastically lowered (even working part-time, I was earning more than he does full-time. I am better educated, have vast experience, etc) and it was a severe trigger for his PBD behavior. I was away for 6 weeks, and I think he got together with his college friend who was always after him. Lately, he's been telling how much she earns (a lot) and etc. In my absence he started going to the same church she did, texting with her, etc. That's what I found out of the leftover evidence, which he made sure he erased by the time I was back.

My therapist actually agreed to my theory that perhaps he was a conman.

[lipstick]

My ex was trying to support two households at the same time. I had already divorced my spouse of 17 years. He was to have done the same to his of 23 years. We were living together and my BPDex was adamant that he was going to continue paying the mortgage on his home while living with me in our place. Needless to say - we were having quite the financial struggle. I had relocated to be with him and had pretty much run thru my savings in the process. I was working - but it wasn't paying much.

BPDex was doing NOTHING to move the divorce proceedings along.      Then - unbeknownst to me - he was fired from his job (Sous Chef). He didn't tell me. That was on a Wednesday. The following Tuesday (two days before my birthday), he moved out while I was at work. Went running back to the spouse / house. His "comfort zone", if you will. He paid the rent and utilities on our place for one month before he ran away. And cleaned the house. And had dinner on the stove for when I came home to find he was gone.  I busted him in the act of moving out. Confronted him. It was a crazy, illogical argument on his end. Imagine that! I won't go into details - but I was shaking my head in total confusion. And crying - both of us. Then he got up and walked out. I've been given the Silent Treatment ever since. That was in October of 2012.

He tried to friend me on FB in December of 2013. I declined. He blocked me.

Since the end of February of this year and continuing to this day - he has been watching several of my Facebook videos on a daily basis. I suspected that it was him. Had it confirmed by a mutual friend that yes, it is my ex. The ex does not contact me. No messages, no phone calls, no emails. Nothing. Just watches the videos. My friend monitored the behavior for a while. Follows a specific pattern every.single.day. Very, very sad.

I believe he dumped me and ran out of sheer panic (and shame). Believing that I would leave him once I learned that he had been fired. He went back to what was a "sure thing". A dependent, much older spouse who cannot survive on her own. A person who has no expectations of him other than to keep a roof over their heads and food in the pantry (and booze in the liquor cabinet!). A "comfortable" situation for him. It keeps his disorder in check as there is no intimacy and no fears of abandonment. I realize now (after all this time) that this is the best place for him to be.  It was one tough lesson - damn near killed me having to start completely over with nothing - but I survived.  And I don't think he has the courage to reach out to me after all the pain he caused.  Yes, I believe he knows what he did (and regrets what he lost).

[AwakenedOne]

Her mom.

My wife's desire was to be 24/7/365 BFF's with her warped and evil mom. It is so weird that a grown woman would want to spend all her time with her mom even though married. Her mom works her like a puppet. Must please the mom always. Once her mom had enough of me she gave my wife the thumbs down signal which sealed my fate. During our last weeks together she was with her mom one day visiting. I called my wife on my wife's cell phone and asked her to work on the marriage with me and that I had a idea to do something fun and nice together that day. She changed my words into I was biitching at her. Her mom was next to her during the call. My wife put on a show for the mom and talked to me in a different way for approval of the mom.