forgiving myself

[dobie]

I've come to the realisation that BPD or not my uxBPDfiance and our  r/s is and always was unsustainable someone  who is unhappy before you met them despite their protests of love and happiness is almost always unsustainable you can't love someone happy and you can't fix people who don't want  or can't be fixed .

Big lesson learned going forward with new partners is as the saying goes "happy wife , happy life" .

[Lifewriter16]

I think that's very true.

Unfortunately, that means I'm going have to do a lot of work on me too, because I seem to be interminably unhappy.

Oh joy!

[going places]

I've come to the realisation that BPD or not my uxBPDfiance and our  r/s is and always was unsustainable someone  who is unhappy before you met them despite their protests of love and happiness is almost always unsustainable you can't love someone happy and you can't fix people who don't want  or can't be fixed .

Big lesson learned going forward with new partners is as the saying goes "happy wife , happy life" .

Happiness is a 'feeling' and it comes and goes.

Joy, is a deep, content, way of living.

You can have joy in the middle of your worst day, but you will not find 'happiness'.

It's true, you cannot 'love someone' happy nor can you 'fix people".

All we can do is love ourselves, and have a deep joy in our bones... .

I have a feeling that once we come to that place, we will be like a beacon of light!

I am NOT a fan of 'catch phrases'.

"Happy Wife, Happy Life" implies a lot of 'artificial' to me.

If we have that deep soulful joy, we will attract others with that same joy... .and even in the midst of deep sorrow a couple with joy, will prevail.

[valet]

Dobie, I think that you are crossing a major bridge here, and are certainly moving in the right direction. Congrats on that!

Don't get ahead of yourself, as you still need time to process things naturally, but your next step will be reducing the sense of blame that you feel for her into a sense of mutual responsibility for the demise of the relationship. Don't forget that you played your part in the dance as well.

Some questions for you to think about: Who does the culpability for each of your behaviors truly fall on? Do you feel like you still need her to be happy, and why?

[dobie]

Dobie, I think that you are crossing a major bridge here, and are certainly moving in the right direction. Congrats on that!

Don't get ahead of yourself, as you still need time to process things naturally, but your next step will be reducing the sense of blame that you feel for her into a sense of mutual responsibility for the demise of the relationship. Don't forget that you played your part in the dance as well.

Some questions for you to think about: Who does the culpability for each of your behaviors truly fall on? Do you feel like you still need her to be happy, and why?

I split her my T said when I reacted to her news that "she needed time to think with anger" I tried not to be angry but every time I reached out I just got more selfishness and I erupted .

My blame lays in enabling her selfish behaviours , molly coodling her , letting her crash my boundaries left right and centre and allowing her to bait me so I lost my temper or bickered back .

I should have been firmer , colder, kept my hobbies , pursued my friends and never ever ever given my power away which is what I'd did over the last few years .

I'm unhappy without her why ?

Because a big part of me now has to grow up and fend for myself

Because she has made me feel the whole six years was a lie

Because she was the first woman I've ever met who appreciated the whole of me

I could go on 

[valet]

I split her my T said when I reacted to her news that "she needed time to think with anger" I tried not to be angry but every time I reached out I just got more selfishness and I erupted .

My blame lays in enabling her selfish behaviours , molly coodling her , letting her crash my boundaries left right and centre and allowing her to bait me so I lost my temper or bickered back .

I should have been firmer , colder, kept my hobbies , pursued my friends and never ever ever given my power away which is what I'd did over the last few years .

I'm unhappy without her why ?

Because a big part of me now has to grow up and fend for myself

Because she has made me feel the whole six years was a lie

Because she was the first woman I've ever met who appreciated the whole of me



I could go on  

More good realization here.

I want to redirect your attention, though.

Why is it that it this point the relationship is about power? In a mature relationship, we shouldn't be thinking about who has the 'power' or 'edge' or whatever you may call it. It is not a power relationship, it is about working together and communicating your needs so that your partner has the opportunity to meet them. Maybe it is that she was not capable of that, but that is alright. Many people move on from non-non relationships for this very reason.

Growing up and fending for yourself is a good thing! We have to learn most lessons the hard way, but what we pay is certainly far less than what we earn in the long run.

Do you honestly feel that the relationship was a lie? In my current position, I can honestly say that none of it was a lie. Her love and affection were real, she was just not emotionally capable of sustaining them, and I myself did not create an environment that was completely conducive to her being able to do so.

She appreciated the whole of you. That's great! In time, and with work, I hope that you turn this final corner. You have to be able to forgive others to forgive yourself.

[dobie]

I split her my T said when I reacted to her news that "she needed time to think with anger" I tried not to be angry but every time I reached out I just got more selfishness and I erupted .

My blame lays in enabling her selfish behaviours , molly coodling her , letting her crash my boundaries left right and centre and allowing her to bait me so I lost my temper or bickered back .

I should have been firmer , colder, kept my hobbies , pursued my friends and never ever ever given my power away which is what I'd did over the last few years .

I'm unhappy without her why ?

Because a big part of me now has to grow up and fend for myself

Because she has made me feel the whole six years was a lie

Because she was the first woman I've ever met who appreciated the whole of me



I could go on  

More good realization here.

I want to redirect your attention, though.

Why is it that it this point the relationship is about power? In a mature relationship, we shouldn't be thinking about who has the 'power' or 'edge' or whatever you may call it. It is not a power relationship, it is about working together and communicating your needs so that your partner has the opportunity to meet them. Maybe it is that she was not capable of that, but that is alright. Many people move on from non-non relationships for this very reason.

Growing up and fending for yourself is a good thing! We have to learn most lessons the hard way, but what we pay is certainly far less than what we earn in the long run.

Do you honestly feel that the relationship was a lie? In my current position, I can honestly say that none of it was a lie. Her love and affection were real, she was just not emotionally capable of sustaining them, and I myself did not create an environment that was completely conducive to her being able to do so.

She appreciated the whole of you. That's great! In time, and with work, I hope that you turn this final corner. You have to be able to forgive others to forgive yourself.

Funny this was brought up with my T this week the very issues of "power" I guess for me it has multipue reasons about safety.  for  power implies = control , mastery strength etc

It was the same for her I remember her saying if you didn't lose your temper you would have "won" more arguments .

All I know is an I can philosophise this valet but I was the one with the power in the r/s and at the start she chased me she loved me more she nedded me more etc till about 4 years in when the power dynamic changed and I became the one who had to prove himself , the one to change , the one to love harder .

I feel like if someone can pretend like that for a year at least and can tell me before they go away on a girls holiday I'm "going to miss you every day" then when they get back tell you they used the holiday to test if they "missed me" they didn't (so I'm needed not loved then) and then tell you the whole of the  last year they were not in love with you but all the way still blindsiding you with xyz treating you like crap but then pulling you back etc etc as well as being able to detach , discard and blitzkrieg that shows a real cunning a real lack of love or respect for me as a human being a real user like nature so  how could I ever believe her silly infatuations (need for me) was love ?

Is love complaining if my father dies she will have to support me ?

Is love telling me after I nearly lost him how she is worried he will get I'll and ruin her holiday?

Is love screaming resentment and blame and never taking accountability ?

Is love setting the other person up to fail?

Is love instigating fights so they can play the victim?

Is love telling me for a year she has purposefully detached and not made an effort with my family ?

Is love telling me she has not given a damm about my job for a year ?

Is love not supporting something the other person loves to do and getting them to quit because they don't want to pay towards it ?

Is love making the other person walk a dog with a temperature because they won't do it ?

Her love stunk ! It was never love and that's what hurts it was need like everything that creatures "loves" she can't love she does not even know what it means to

[valet]

I feel like if someone can pretend like that for a year at least and can tell me before they go away on a girls holiday I'm "going to miss you every day" then when they get back tell you they used the holiday to test if they "missed me" they didn't (so I'm needed not loved then) and then tell you the last year they were not in love with you all the way still blindsiding you with xyz treating you like crap but then pulling you back etc etc as well as being able to detach , discard and blitzkrieg that shows a real cunning a real lack of love or respect for me as a human being how could I ever believe her silly infatuations (need for me) was love or real ?

Man, that is really a terrible thing to deal with. I'm sorry for the experience that you went through.

I guess maybe the difference for me is that to a degree, I've never felt that 'love' is real. To me, the word itself invokes a lack of responsibility, and seems like a fickle reason to involve yourself intimately with a person. I've always thought of it more like a give/take kind of thing, or two compatible friends that are sexually attracted to each other and well-adjusted enough to be able to sustain that on a certain requisite level (which is mutually shared by both parties).

Maybe that is bleak and nihilist, but I think that that core belief has benefited me more than anything else.

[dobie]

I feel like if someone can pretend like that for a year at least and can tell me before they go away on a girls holiday I'm "going to miss you every day" then when they get back tell you they used the holiday to test if they "missed me" they didn't (so I'm needed not loved then) and then tell you the last year they were not in love with you all the way still blindsiding you with xyz treating you like crap but then pulling you back etc etc as well as being able to detach , discard and blitzkrieg that shows a real cunning a real lack of love or respect for me as a human being how could I ever believe her silly infatuations (need for me) was love or real ?

Man, that is really a terrible thing to deal with. I'm sorry for the experience that you went through.

I guess maybe the difference for me is that to a degree, I've never felt that 'love' is real. To me, the word itself invokes a lack of responsibility, and seems like a fickle reason to involve yourself intimately with a person. I've always thought of it more like a give/take kind of thing, or two compatible friends that are sexually attracted to each other and well-adjusted enough to be able to sustain that on a certain requisite level (which is mutually shared by both parties).

Maybe that is bleak and nihilist, but I think that that core belief has benefited me more than anything else.

Man I would be happy with that as well my x told me we are just friends and admitted I was her best friend (I'm glad I'm not her enemy after the way she treated me)  as well as being attracted to me and me to her but that was not enough she wants everything and nothing she does not know what she wants .

I know though that she wants more than she can ever give whomever she is with .

Woe betide the man who "loves her" she is a terrible mistress when she is impowered

I'm a realist when it comes to love as well I don't believe in Romeo & Juliet bs

Or if it exists its as rare as lepracuans golds

Love for me is a deep commitment , trust , care , friendship , sexual passion , selflessness , support , loyalty, a determination not to quit ,  compatibility in lots of areas and a joy that that person and your life is better with than without them  .

[still_in_shock]

In my view, happiness is more of a state of mind rather than feeling. And BPDs are the best example of it. If one lacks balance,  peace and feeling of easy in his mind (heart), that's when s/he gets erratically unhappy - because there is no harmony within.

Another example is, myself as a new cancer survivor. Then, I was just married to my uBPDexh and even though my body was all damaged, we were financially struggling and he was recurrently throwing tantrums - I was still the happiest ever. Because I had that feeling within me of peace, gratitude and complete zen... .

All of which, he's managed to turn upside down by end of year 2 together with physical, emotional and economic betrayal. And here I lost it - the peace within - which makes me feel quite unhappy these days. So I am working on bringing that balance back to feel happy again.

Anyway, the point was - happiness is the state of mind. [/quote]
Happiness is a 'feeling' and it comes and goes.

Joy, is a deep, content, way of living.

You can have joy in the middle of your worst day, but you will not find 'happiness'.

It's true, you cannot 'love someone' happy nor can you 'fix people".

All we can do is love ourselves, and have a deep joy in our bones... .

I have a feeling that once we come to that place, we will be like a beacon of light!

I am NOT a fan of 'catch phrases'.

"Happy Wife, Happy Life" implies a lot of 'artificial' to me.

If we have that deep soulful joy, we will attract others with that same joy... .and even in the midst of deep sorrow a couple with joy, will prevail.[/quote]

[Irish Pride]

I've come to the realisation that BPD or not my uxBPDfiance and our  r/s is and always was unsustainable someone  who is unhappy before you met them despite their protests of love and happiness is almost always unsustainable you can't love someone happy and you can't fix people who don't want  or can't be fixed .

Big lesson learned going forward with new partners is as the saying goes "happy wife , happy life" .

Bravo. That's a major step on your road to recovery! Always keep it in mind and, if the thoughts should falter, we'll help put you back on track 

[dobie]

In my view, happiness is more of a state of mind rather than feeling. And BPDs are the best example of it. If one lacks balance,  peace and feeling of easy in his mind (heart), that's when s/he gets erratically unhappy - because there is no harmony within.

Another example is, myself as a new cancer survivor. Then, I was just married to my uBPDexh and even though my body was all damaged, we were financially struggling and he was recurrently throwing tantrums - I was still the happiest ever. Because I had that feeling within me of peace, gratitude and complete zen... .

All of which, he's managed to turn upside down by end of year 2 together with physical, emotional and economic betrayal. And here I lost it - the peace within - which makes me feel quite unhappy these days. So I am working on bringing that balance back to feel happy again.

Anyway, the point was - happiness is the state of mind.

Still in shock I'm sorry for what you have gone through

People with your mindset towards life  are an inspiration to me thank you

[dobie]

I've come to the realisation that BPD or not my uxBPDfiance and our  r/s is and always was unsustainable someone  who is unhappy before you met them despite their protests of love and happiness is almost always unsustainable you can't love someone happy and you can't fix people who don't want  or can't be fixed .

Big lesson learned going forward with new partners is as the saying goes "happy wife , happy life" .

Bravo. That's a major step on your road to recovery! Always keep it in mind and, if the thoughts should falter, we'll help put you back on track 

Thanks bro