I tried really hard, but it still went sour with MIL

[educator]

So... .long story short DH ended NC with my uBPD/unpd MIL about 3 weeks ago after being NC for 3 1/2 years.  Basically, we were having marital problems and DH ran back to his mom, but we have since sorted things out and are working on our r/s.

I was not happy about having contact again.  My MIL is very difficult to get along with.  But, I knew that I had to respect DH's decision.  I started therapy and my new therapist feels MIL is very mentally ill, though she can't dx her.  This is the 3rd T DH and I have been to in the last 4 years that has said MIL is BPD or npd.  So, I would say MIL has an issue.

Anyhow... .I figured this time I'd set up boundaries.  My boundary was that I wasn't going to see MIL alone because when I do, she twists my words around and it causes DH and I to fight.  MIL kept harping on DH for her and I to have tea or lunch and have an 'honest conversation."  I told him not right now.  Well... .BIL and his GF came down.  We all went over there a few nights ago (DH, DD9, DD4 and I).  DD9 would only go if I was there and the GF wanted to meet me, so I figured I'd go along and just be normal.  Everything was fine.  GF and I hit it off.  BIL had a blast with the DD's.

Very next day, MIL makes a scene in front of BIL and GF.  Telling DH I can no longer go to her home until I have a sit down conversation with her to talk about the past.  BIL and GF just walked away and MIL proceeded to grill DH.  Keep in mind... .they were out trying to enjoy the day!  So, last night DH decides to go over there.  DD9 wasn't sure if she was going.  She doesn't want to go there and be around MIL unless I am there.  DH told his mom she was going because DD9 said at one point she'd think about it.  Well... .DD9 decided not to go.  She didn't want to go.  She knew the reason I wasn't allowed to go.  So, DH took DD4.  MIL flipped out. Said I turned DD9 against her (not true... .she said horrible things about me to DD9 and DD9 wants nothing to do with her... .was only considering going there to see her uncle).  She caused another scene on front of the GF and embarrassed DH.  DH took DD4 outside, hung out with his brother and left (they were there like an hour).  MIL actually told DH to keep myself and DD9 away from her!  So, now DD9 is black too.  She then told DH he was welcome to come over and could bring DD4, but she'd rather him not as I will turn DD4 against her too. 

I feel badly for DH.  It's a horrible situation to be in.  I really tried this time.  I told her she was welcome in my home, invited her for dinner, sent her some danishes I made a few days ago, sent her a picture of the girls so she'd have one, etc.  I just wasn't willing to meet with her alone and get grilled and now this happened.  I'm sticking to my boundary though.  I just don't feel safe being alone with her like that, especially after her behavior. 

[Kwamina]

Hi again educator

You tried really hard but the outcome was still unpleasant. This is unfortunate, it would have definitely been nice if things had gone better. Unfortunately you can't control your MIL's behavior but only your own behavior. Boundaries are primarily aimed at protecting yourself, regardless of what the other person does. You clearly express  just not feeling safe being alone with your MIL so I think it's quite understandable that you've put certain boundaries up. Also to protect your children because your MIL's behavior can also negatively affect them.

I am glad you have the help of a new therapist to help you deal with all of this. It's very telling indeed that she is already the third therapist that feels your MIL is very mentally ill, quite possibly BPD or NPD.

You were also having marital problems and say that you've since sorted things out with your husband and are working on your relationship with him. I am glad that you feel like you've made some improvements here.

How are you feeling now and how are your daughter's coping with all the things that are going on?

Take care

[educator]

I think because my reactions are changing, our entire r/s is changing.  Instead of attacking my husband (telling him it makes me angry when he doesn't stand up for me, etc.) I am reframing things and just telling him how I feel when I am treated this way by his family.  It takes him out of the equation.  For example, instead of telling him I was mad at him for going to his mom's when she won't allow me there, I told him that it makes me feel like an outsider.  Like I don't count and I'm not important.  He really understood that.  I then realized that it's not his fault, but hers and I wasn't about to rob my DD's of seeing their uncle because of her.  And... .DH did stand up for himself and left.  So, it feels good.  I'm applying this to our marital issues as well.  Instead of attacking him for not getting up to help me, I simply tell him that I feel really overwhelmed when I am up alone in the morning and he's been getting up to help me, he's been cleaning the house and doing the cooking/grocery shopping.  It amazes me how just changing your wording can go a long way. 

My DD's are fine.  DD4 has no idea what's going on though she was really upset when she realized I wasn't going to MIL's.  I almost told her why, but stopped myself and told her that I had to do stuff with DD9.  DD9 is over all of it.  She is fed up with MIL.  She said she doesn't want to be around a crazy person like that.  I hope BIL comes over tonight to see them before he leaves, but we can't control what he does either.  DD9 has a campout tonight anyhow, so she can keep her mind off of it and DD4 really has no idea and we plan on keeping it that way.  DD4 hasn't gotten close to MIL and I hope it stays that way because I only see DD4 getting hurt like DD9.  DD9 wants nothing to do with MIL because she doesn't want MIL to walk out of her life again, like she did 3 years ago.  I think eventually, DD4 will feel the same way.

[going places]

I am so sorry.

I had a MIL from hades too.

It wasn't until recently I really began to understand all of her hateful bitterness towards me... .

I forgive her (today) for all the things she said and did to me.

But it took, 25 years... .

In 1999 (10 years into the marriage) I drew a line and said "no more".

Told the ex HE can go see her, talk to her on the phone, have a relationship with her AND if she wanted to spend time with the kids, it had to be in a public place (her house was filthy and full of porn).

BUT she was NEVER allowed in our home, and she was NEVER allowed to be with the kids alone.

So my ex just quit talking to her.

Then 'blamed me' for their jacked up relationship.

At the end of the day, I do not care.

That woman had ZERO influence in my kids lives.

And that's a good thing!

[educator]

So my ex just quit talking to her.

Then 'blamed me' for their jacked up relationship.

going places

My DH never really blamed me for the issues with his mom until we had some serious fights... .then suddenly I was the entire fault he wasn't speaking to his mother and had no r/s with his brother either    It was really confusing.  Now, 3 weeks later that MIL has completely derailed, he realizes that his issues with his family stem from the fact that his mom runs a circus show.

So far MIL hasn't had much influence on DD4's life, but we had no idea how bad MIL was when DD9 was little and she spent a lot of alone time with MIL.  It was really hard on her when MIL walked out when DD9 was 6.  She just didn't understand.  I just wonder what long lasting scars might last from that?  But, then again, DD9 has a pretty stable life here and I feel like as long as her parents are stable, she should be fine.  It's telling she wants nothing to do with MIL. 

[jdtm]

I just wonder what long lasting scars might last from that?

lasting scars - probably none.  Sad memories and feelings of being "left behind" - perhaps some.  Seriously, your daughter is approaching the teenage years - grandmothers are usually "forgotten" during this time.