Hi Achaya
Really interesting post
During the course of my last relationship my ex withdrew from me many times, going farther away each time until she left me altogether. One of the primary coping mechanisms I used during the withdrawals was to write her letters about what I was experiencing.
I've found journaling my feelings incredibly helpful
Apparently I liked something about how it felt in the beginning.
I think for me the drama of the high and lows heightened my feelings. I was drawn to the intensity because it was a way of escaping my own painful feeling and it filled up an empty space.
I have a fantasy of you as a child, playing with a yoyo. Me. You reel me in very close, catch me in the warmth and strength of your hand, and you smile. Then you suddenly drop me. I fall away from you, and down. When I feel you on the other end of the string the sudden change of direction adds excitement. Excitement supported by the expectation that you will pull me back to you on the return swing. I like both the closeness and the separation, the connection sustained by the string between us. But the drops go so far down sometimes, increasingly it seems, the string slackens and you are no longer on the other end of it. Fear sets in that you will not pick me back up. You will walk away, leaving me there on the ground. Or maybe you will spin me out to the farthest point of the orbit of our connection, then cut the string.
I wonder at these times whether you have simply turned off your emotional connection to me. I wonder if I will ever see you again, or if I do, will you be emotionally responsive to me, even in a negative way? Or will it be as if we had never known each other? Less than that, even. I struggle with what to say to you, what not to say. In the early hours of the morning I decided that if you don't email me by this afternoon I will call you. I would tell you that I get the message, you are not okay and you don't want to talk to me. I would tell you that I love you and am worried about you, no matter what you might feel towards me. I really want to ask, "Why"? "
When I look back at my relationship now I realise that I was searching for something that my ex was never able to give me. It wasn't her fault that I just chose to focus on something else, my relationship, another person rather than look at myself and learn to meet my own needs in the way that I only I could.
I also realise I was drawn to the relationship because it felt familiar
Reforming
