NC w/elderly BPD mom on Mother's Day

[Only Child]

just needing a little reassurance, hello, empathy or whatever to get through yet another NC Mother's Day (this would be my third in NC).  My uBPD mother is 93.  I am 65.  I am the only child, no other family (dad died when I was age 2)--it all falls on me.  I asked for NC some time ago, mom's symptoms have been escalating since she turned age 90--specially after she fell and broke her neck at age 89.  Lots of FOG for me, but I decided on NC.  All I do now is send flowers on 4 different holidays through the year, with a cheery but emotionally detached note.  This is the only contact I make with her now.  Still feels horrible inside, like a death.  I still have bad dreams about her, and more and more is being revealed to me about our lives together since my birth as time in NC goes on (inc. incest, narcissism, alcoholism, emotional abuse, promiscuity as a single mom with a toddler).  Mother's Day is hard

[Panda39]

Only Child,

You are not alone my SO has D14 and D18 that are low contact with their uBPDmom.  They for the first time will not be spending Mother's Day with their mom by their choice.  Like your flowers they sent their mom a blank card that just says "Happy Mother's Day".   

I've noticed Mother's Day coming up in several threads beside this one.  It's such an emotionally charged day for so many here and so triggering.

Be good to yourself tomorrow. 

[Only Child]

thanks, I have been reading others' posts about uBPD mother's day, and it does help to know I'm not alone... .separating from my uBPD mom who is in terrible denial and blames me for everything, has been the best and worst thing in my life... .with the peace of separation also unfortunately comes the FOG, as well as the grief and mourning of the loss of a mother I never had.  

[ViaCrusis1689]

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I live with my uBPDm, and I am even feeling guilty this Mother's Day as I am finally coming out of the FOG, and I don't feel like I can genuinely say anything more than "Happy Mother's Day." It's not that I don't love her, I do, but it is hard to give her anything more due to everything she puts me through emotionally.

Seeing all of the positive posts about moms on Facebook makes me feel guilty for not posting anything, but I feel so fake if I do. Then I also feel guilty for feeling this way as so many people I know don't have their moms anymore.

Take care... .

[Panda39]

Seeing all of the positive posts about moms on Facebook makes me feel guilty for not posting anything, but I feel so fake if I do. Then I also feel guilty for feeling this way as so many people I know don't have their moms anymore.

Give yourself permission to feel what you feel.  Everyone's relationship with their mother varies.  Sure facebook is going to be filled with positive mom statements on Mother's Day.  Some statements are genuine, some might paint things in a better light than they are in reality so everything appears great, some might be posting lies about their "great mother" out of guilt or fear and then how many people have actually not posted because like you they have a mother that doesn't deserve the praise?

Feel what you feel and don't compare yourself to others be true to you and your situation.  If you can't say more than Happy Mother's Day then don't it's what you feel and your feelings matter.

[Only Child]

indeed I had to turn off Facebook today because it was painful with all those mother's day posts.  The world at large does not support NC with a BPD mother.  So all mothers (BPD or "normal" and all adult children, whether in denial or not, are potentially offended by anyone who does not honor or praise their mother.  Everyone tells me I should "forgive" my mother and move on as she's elderly and will pass someday, and this "guilt" will be with me the rest of my life.  Well, I disagree strongly.  I don't care how old my mother is, her crazy-making behavior can put me into a very bad place in only hours of being in her company.  I get an elevated blood pressure and heart rate, I get angry (neither of us needs that), and I feel suicidally depressed after spending a day with her.  She is toxic to me, and will always be, it will never change.  But inside I know I care about her, and appreciate her giving birth to me and doing the best she could.  But to her face, I cannot give her anything in the way of gratitude or affection

[gloveman]

Dear Only child,

     You are among friends. I am 68 my, mom is 92, and I don't see her. Being with her upsets me too much. The only things to do are to understand, "We are okay; they are nuts," also, forgive yourself, quit beating yourself up, and realize unconditional self-acceptance. Doing those things is difficult because we were raised to believe whatever is wrong is our fault, but I think they are the things we must do to overcome our childhood traumas.

     and KEEP POSTING HERE.

[Panda39]

indeed I had to turn off Facebook today because it was painful with all those mother's day posts.  The world at large does not support NC with a BPD mother.  So all mothers (BPD or "normal" and all adult children, whether in denial or not, are potentially offended by anyone who does not honor or praise their mother.  Everyone tells me I should "forgive" my mother and move on as she's elderly and will pass someday, and this "guilt" will be with me the rest of my life.  Well, I disagree strongly.  I don't care how old my mother is, her crazy-making behavior can put me into a very bad place in only hours of being in her company.  I get an elevated blood pressure and heart rate, I get angry (neither of us needs that), and I feel suicidally depressed after spending a day with her.  She is toxic to me, and will always be, it will never change.  But inside I know I care about her, and appreciate her giving birth to me and doing the best she could.  But to her face, I cannot give her anything in the way of gratitude or affection

You go girl!  Great job taking care of you   

I don't have a BPD mom but my mom is/was a very invalidating mother that I have gone LC with (she hasn't even noticed that's how invisible I am). I sent her a "funny Mother's Day card" because I don't feel all the stuff in the mushy cards either.  I have come to realize she is what she is and I am who I am so I no longer expect/hope for reactions from her that she just can't give. Things are much less disappointing for me when I lower my expectations.  I have older female friends that "see me" and value me for who I am that I turn to when I need reassurance or advice.

We don't have to take the toxic and invalidating stuff from anyone especially our mothers. Don't buy the garbage and love yourself!   

[Only Child]

thank you everyone!   Instead of spending this day looking at Facebook posts, I'm spending my day on this site and feeling more in "community" among kindred souls.  I wish I could find a way into perpetual self-acceptance, however... .because at this point it's affecting my ability for surviving [and dare I say thriving?] in the world.  I pray for the ability to heal my trauma

[ViaCrusis1689]

Seeing all of the positive posts about moms on Facebook makes me feel guilty for not posting anything, but I feel so fake if I do. Then I also feel guilty for feeling this way as so many people I know don't have their moms anymore.

Give yourself permission to feel what you feel.  Everyone's relationship with their mother varies.  Sure facebook is going to be filled with positive mom statements on Mother's Day.  Some statements are genuine, some might paint things in a better light than they are in reality so everything appears great, some might be posting lies about their "great mother" out of guilt or fear and then how many people have actually not posted because like you they have a mother that doesn't deserve the praise?

Feel what you feel and don't compare yourself to others be true to you and your situation.  If you can't say more than Happy Mother's Day then don't it's what you feel and your feelings matter.

Thank you so much for this validation! Someone who took care of me 20 years ago at a summer camp for children with physical disabilities posted a picture of her holding me in her arms, and I looked so happy, even though I had such a difficult time being away from home. It's a long story, but I spent 10 summers there receiving therapy and it did change my life and I have so many wonderful people in my life because of it. Anyways her caption of the picture was "[name of the camp] with my girl," and this just made my day as even 20 years later she treasures that time caring for a little girl who was a stranger to her.

My mom would never say that. Mom's comment regarding the picture was "at least you weren't crying." Yeah, thanks mom for bringing the fact that I had an issue with being away from home... .I was 5 my first summer. It didn't surprise me though, she likely felt jealous.

[Only Child]

   just a friendly reminder for some or all of you who have offered suggestion on my original post, and for anyone else on anyone else's post:  today is an especially emotionally-charged day, and I personally feel much more supported and at ease when those who choose to reply to my original topic keep your comments directed to my topic, and not about your own topic, or in response to someone else's response to my topic.  The latter is known as "hijacking" someone's post, and it doesn't make the original poster feel very heard or supported, which is what I think most of who are used to interacting with certain BPD family members really want when we take the time and courage to create a post here.  Thanks again for your help.

[ViaCrusis1689]

My sincere apologies.

[Only Child]

thanks, some people are not aware of this "hijacking" issue on on peer-help sites like this, and I just had to say something, because I've seen it before.  The best thing to do, when one feels the urge to do that, is to notice you are also feeling that need for help, which would then be a good indicator that you need to create your own post for support.