sons birthday.

[enlighten me]

Today my youngest is two. As it was my weekend I got to have him wake up at mine but she insisted on me dropping him off at eleven as she had planned a party for him.

so two years ago I was in what I thought was a loving relationship. One year ago I had told her I was moving out. Just waited to get sons first birthday out of the way. Today I drop my son off as arranged. Her new bf is obviously there as his van was parked out front. He stayed in the kitchen and I stayed in the hall. So apart from being a little sad about how things worked out and obviously being sad not being able to do things with my son on his birthday im not feeling too bad.

Just goes to show how time and understanding can get you through this.

[Reforming]

Hi Englighten me

It's great that you were able to spend time with your son on his birthday. Feeling a little sad is healthy and normal.

It sounds like you're handling some tough stuff really well.  

Good for you.

What do you think has helped you the most over the last couple of years?

Reforming

[enlighten me]

When I split from my uBPD exwife I didnt want to believe she was capable of doing anything hurtful to me. When the truth came out a bit at a time it knocked me back time and time again. With my uBPD exgf I believed the worst. When things came out and pennies dropped I wasnt knocked back. Well at least not as far back as I would have been.

Another thing that has helped is learning about the condition. By understanding some of the crazy it helps to forgive yourself for the outcome.

Distraction is another useful tool.

Rebuilding your self respect is also useful.

Theres obviously more to healing than this but these were probably the most useful.

[Reforming]

When I split from my uBPD exwife I didnt want to believe she was capable of doing anything hurtful to me. When the truth came out a bit at a time it knocked me back time and time again. With my uBPD exgf I believed the worst. When things came out and pennies dropped I wasnt knocked back. Well at least not as far back as I would have been.

I've really struggled to believe some of the things that my ex did. It seemed so contradictory to the person I thought I knew. Accepting the complexity of who she is has been a big learning curve for me too.

Another thing that has helped is learning about the condition. By understanding some of the crazy it helps to forgive yourself for the outcome.

I've found that hugely helpful. It really helped to make sense of behaviour that seemed so confusing and hurtful. And understanding what was going on with her led me to understanding my own behaviour better.[/quote]

Distraction is another useful tool.

Completely agree. It's incredibly therapeutic to step out of your head and away from your troubles and be completely absorbed in something else for a while. I think it's also really important because a lot of of healing and processing happens under the hood, when we're not actually thinking about it.

Rebuilding your self respect is also useful.

Agreed, this is very important and it can be tough work, especially if you had any underlying issues that made you vulnerable anyway. I've found learning to forgive myself really helped too. I did the best I could at the time.

Theres obviously more to healing than this but these were probably the most useful.

Thanks for sharing and congrats on your sons birthday 

Reforming

[enlighten me]

Thats another thing that helped. Being on a site like this and sharing our own experiences with others that are in the same boat.

How are you doing? Where abouts are you in the recovery process?

[Reforming]

Thats another thing that helped. Being on a site like this and sharing our own experiences with others that are in the same boat.

How are you doing? Where abouts are you in the recovery process?

The site and the other members have been a huge help and support. I would have been very easy to end up stuck and angry... .

Over all I would say that I'm pretty good

I think I have much healthier perspective on my relationship and myself and thanks to therapy, education and work I feel much better equipped to move forward.

I still have the occasional relapse, when I think about her and feel sad or hurt and I can still get triggered, but I feel much more detached. I accept that I had stuff of my own to work on before I met her and that we were together a long time so so I try and be gentle on myself when this happens.

Rather bizarrely a delivery man turned up on Friday night with some food for her - somehow they had her old address. That felt weird for a while, but it didn't last long.

Reforming

[enlighten me]

Should have asked if it had been paid for and had a free meal 

I also have realisef there are things I brought to the party but at the end of the day the party would have ended up a disaster without my issues. As ive said before on here even Ghandi would have lost it with my ex and would have rethought his peaceful resistance stance.

we can blame ourselves for a lot of things but when the cards are stacked that heavily against us all we can do is learn and move on.

EM

[Reforming]

Should have asked if it had been paid for and had a free meal 

I also have realisef there are things I brought to the party but at the end of the day the party would have ended up a disaster without my issues. As ive said before on here even Ghandi would have lost it with my ex and would have rethought his peaceful resistance stance.

we can blame ourselves for a lot of things but when the cards are stacked that heavily against us all we can do is learn and move on.

EM

I understand what you're saying and everyone's story is different.

I don't necessarily believe that the outcome of my relationship would have been different if I didn't have issues of my own and I'm not taking any responsibility for my exes behaviour.

I do think if I had been healthier I would have walked away much sooner, but it's water under the bridge now.

Yeah I should have grabbed the Chinese munched it 

Refomring

[enlighten me]

Yes my issues kept me there longer than what was healthy also. Ive often thought that with the right person then my issues wouldnt be an issue. Im too kind, too forgiving, too trusting, always want to help. Not full blown co dependant but with a lot of the traits. The right person wouldnt have taken advantage of this.  Do I want to change? I dont know. I like me. By countering my traits I may turn into someone I dont like. From generous to selfish. Trusting to suspicious. Thats not a person I want to be so for now I will take my lessons learned and continue to be me.

[Reforming]

I know what you mean and I think liking who you are is one of healthiest and most empowering things you can do

I don't want to become hard so that I can avoid being hurt, but I think you can be strong and kind to others and yourself

In my experience growth or change can be so difficult and frightening that most of us instinctively resist it and cling to the certainty of what we know. I know I frequently do.

I dont want want to jettison who I am but I do want to learn and grow so I don't ever find myself in the same situation again and so I can make the most of my life and happiness