If you are bitter, you aren't getting it.

[Infern0]

Although my borderline experience is somewhat ongoing,  I consider the "abuse" phase to be completely over.

I look around me on this site and others, you see channels on YouTube of people trying to offer advice on how to recover from emotional abuse and almost ALL of it is coming from the wrong angle.

There are people on there who are YEARS removed from that phase of their lives yet they talk back on it with venom on their tounge and spite in their voice. They belittle the BPD or npd who came into their lives.

What almost none of these people is recognizing is their own behaviour which enabled the abuse to happen.  There is hardly any of this online.

How is it that I was able to completely 100% understand this, and am able to look on that phase of my life as a gift in and of itself.  Something which taught me a lot about myself and became a catalyst for immense personal growth?

I could write a book on the real lessons to be learned and how to use this experience and turn it into a positive.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm a writer by design and I'm going to make this my personal project over the next few months.

[KateCat]

I look around me on this site and others, you see channels on YouTube of people trying to offer advice on how to recover from emotional abuse and almost ALL of it is coming from the wrong angle.

Infern0, have you been able to spend any time on the "Staying" forum of this website? I can't think of a better place for you to begin your research.

[bunnyrabit]

Does 'getting it' include using mentally ill people for our own sexual gratification? Are we healed when we feel like we have a one up over the abuser, are we supposed to feel some kind of 'high'? I'm really looking forward to your book though more for the   aspect of it

[Skip]

How is it that I was able to completely 100% understand this, and am able to look on that phase of my life as a gift in and of itself.  Something which taught me a lot about myself and became a catalyst for immense personal growth?

I could write a book on the real lessons to be learned and how to use this experience and turn it into a positive.

How is it, Inferno?  What is it that you have learned?

[zundertowz]

Although my borderline experience is somewhat ongoing,  I consider the "abuse" phase to be completely over.

I look around me on this site and others, you see channels on YouTube of people trying to offer advice on how to recover from emotional abuse and almost ALL of it is coming from the wrong angle.

There are people on there who are YEARS removed from that phase of their lives yet they talk back on it with venom on their tounge and spite in their voice. They belittle the BPD or npd who came into their lives.

What almost none of these people is recognizing is their own behaviour which enabled the abuse to happen.  There is hardly any of this online.

How is it that I was able to completely 100% understand this, and am able to look on that phase of my life as a gift in and of itself.  Something which taught me a lot about myself and became a catalyst for immense personal growth?

I could write a book on the real lessons to be learned and how to use this experience and turn it into a positive.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm a writer by design and I'm going to make this my personal project over the next few months.

Expand on how are own behaviour enabled the abuse to happen... .thanks

[HopefulDad]

Although my borderline experience is somewhat ongoing,  I consider the "abuse" phase to be completely over.

I look around me on this site and others, you see channels on YouTube of people trying to offer advice on how to recover from emotional abuse and almost ALL of it is coming from the wrong angle.

There are people on there who are YEARS removed from that phase of their lives yet they talk back on it with venom on their tounge and spite in their voice. They belittle the BPD or npd who came into their lives.

What almost none of these people is recognizing is their own behaviour which enabled the abuse to happen.  There is hardly any of this online.

How is it that I was able to completely 100% understand this, and am able to look on that phase of my life as a gift in and of itself.  Something which taught me a lot about myself and became a catalyst for immense personal growth?

I could write a book on the real lessons to be learned and how to use this experience and turn it into a positive.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm a writer by design and I'm going to make this my personal project over the next few months.

I have routinely told friends and family that I had to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask myself, "How did you allow yourself to be in this relationship?"  And I've told them that I've learned valuable lessons about myself and relationships in general and that there are things I must do going forward to avoid a repeat.

While I don't consider my relationship with my BPDxw a "gift", I do consider it a mistake of my own doing of which I can correct at least to the degree on how I view healthy relationships.

I would be lying if I said there was no bitterness towards my ex.  There absolutely is, but it isn't the primary lense on how I view her.

I am curious if those who want to play the blame game and pin all of their misery on their BPDx are very prone to repeating the same mistakes by jumping into a relationship with another BPD sufferer.  Did such nons suffer from a lack of self-reflection?  I don't know if such data could be compiled.

[Trog]

Although my borderline experience is somewhat ongoing,  I consider the "abuse" phase to be completely over.

I look around me on this site and others, you see channels on YouTube of people trying to offer advice on how to recover from emotional abuse and almost ALL of it is coming from the wrong angle.

There are people on there who are YEARS removed from that phase of their lives yet they talk back on it with venom on their tounge and spite in their voice. They belittle the BPD or npd who came into their lives.

What almost none of these people is recognizing is their own behaviour which enabled the abuse to happen.  There is hardly any of this online.

How is it that I was able to completely 100% understand this, and am able to look on that phase of my life as a gift in and of itself.  Something which taught me a lot about myself and became a catalyst for immense personal growth?

I could write a book on the real lessons to be learned and how to use this experience and turn it into a positive.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm a writer by design and I'm going to make this my personal project over the next few months.

Great! I was  commenting the other day that there's a lot of focus, from nons about this phase, which we all go through, and how the BPD contributed and very little out there on exactly what we did. 100% agree! It would be a great book for people who are all venom out but still hurting. I'm no longer confused or in the fog or talking to my ex, and I'm really interested in why I allowed her behaviour. I know 100% my brother or father or friends would have left at the first signs and certainly not have got in so deep. What is it about us that saw the red flags and ignored them, if I could have focused on that earlier, focused on what I did wrong, I'd be so much further down the road today, it's only in the last month I've started to hold up my hands and see that this is a pattern of poor partner choice culminating in the excruciating pain that only I, because of me, could have had with my ex.

I truly believe I will never get involved in another bad relationship again, that is a gift, not only at home but at work. Even my parents are randomly commenting how much more confidence I have lately and how they get a sense that I have 'grown up' in the last months. My ex slayed the adult-child I was, and I admit, I enjoyed being coddled, but the pain and suffering from all the mental torture and having to hold myself up to the light because of her has been cathartic. Some days I still wallow, but they are 1 in 10 and the great days, where I feel truly independent and self assured and happy in my own skin, comfortable to eat alone and just relax... .They didn't exist before I was slayed!

A book of the gift of a BPD relationship is a terrific idea.

[misuniadziubek]

I feel a lot like you do here.

In a way it is a gift, but the actual abuse isn't.

I would never have realised the level of dysfunction I grew up with. I knew there were boundary issues at home, but never realised how much it affected me.

Sometimes I -think- I'm reacting to my bf, but it's really an intrinsic memory from my childhood being triggered.

If you truly learn about BPD and NPD and reach a level of understanding, you learn not only compassion for them but also for yourself and begin to see the dynamics that pushed you into a relationship with them and which dysfunctional behaviors fuel the conflict and perhaps whether it is in your best interests to stay.

By learning about boundaries and validation, I also learned where my past relationships failed, why my relationship with my parents was so miserable, and how to feel safe being myself and making my own choices.

[Trog]

Does 'getting it' include using mentally ill people for our own sexual gratification? Are we healed when we feel like we have a one up over the abuser, are we supposed to feel some kind of 'high'? I'm really looking forward to your book though more for the   aspect of it

Aren't we mentally ill people? Codependency isn't in the DSMV... .Yet. We have a kind of mental illness, a Stockholm syndrome, we would consider a person who goes back and back for more pain, either crazy or addicted. Maybe we're addicted, but we were certainly not rational, I was not rational at least. Maybe mentally ill is too strong, but we weren't thinking with a full bag of bananas, just read the latest stories on the leaving boards. We give and give and expect to eventually get a reward, it doesn't come, so we try harder! That's pretty crazy. Some of us do it at work too. If I try harder I'm bound to get a promotion/bonus... .Nope! You don't get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate, maybe we're criminally naive as opposed to insane!

[misuniadziubek]

Does 'getting it' include using mentally ill people for our own sexual gratification? Are we healed when we feel like we have a one up over the abuser, are we supposed to feel some kind of 'high'? I'm really looking forward to your book though more for the   aspect of it

Aren't we mentally ill people? Codependency isn't in the DSMV... .Yet. We have a kind of mental illness, a Stockholm syndrome, we would consider a person who goes back and back for more pain, either crazy or addicted. Maybe we're addicted, but we were certainly not rational, I was not rational at least. Maybe mentally ill is too strong, but we weren't thinking with a full bag of bananas, just read the latest stories on the leaving boards. We give and give and expect to eventually get a reward, it doesn't come, so we try harder! That's pretty crazy. Some of us do it at work too. If I try harder I'm bound to get a promotion/bonus... .Nope! You don't get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate, maybe we're criminally naive as opposed to insane!

This actually makes sense in some way. We become addicted to the drama.

It makes even more sense if you grew up in a house where a lot of drama occurred.

By the time you meet your first BPD/NPD, the drama feels like home.

The reason this person is so horrible to me is because they love me and care about me.

We might consciously think that, or completely subconsciously .

And they will tell you that as well. My pwBPD was my friend before we ever dated. I was once telling him that my very calm, very boring bf at the time had told me that he was concerned I might be too overweight for him and it will make him feel less attracted to me. (I was an inch taller than said bf and about 40 lbs heavier.) My friendwBPD told me that I should be grateful that my bf feels comfortable enough to be so horribly mean to me.

What.

My pwBPD is hypercritical of me and puts me down because he wants me to be better and cares about me

Sure.

No one else would be willing to be this harsh with you and care enough to traumatise you Actual quote.

Abusive relationship 101.

[Trog]

Does 'getting it' include using mentally ill people for our own sexual gratification? Are we healed when we feel like we have a one up over the abuser, are we supposed to feel some kind of 'high'? I'm really looking forward to your book though more for the   aspect of it

Aren't we mentally ill people? Codependency isn't in the DSMV... .Yet. We have a kind of mental illness, a Stockholm syndrome, we would consider a person who goes back and back for more pain, either crazy or addicted. Maybe we're addicted, but we were certainly not rational, I was not rational at least. Maybe mentally ill is too strong, but we weren't thinking with a full bag of bananas, just read the latest stories on the leaving boards. We give and give and expect to eventually get a reward, it doesn't come, so we try harder! That's pretty crazy. Some of us do it at work too. If I try harder I'm bound to get a promotion/bonus... .Nope! You don't get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate, maybe we're criminally naive as opposed to insane!

This actually makes sense in some way. We become addicted to the drama.

It makes even more sense if you grew up in a house where a lot of drama occurred.

By the time you meet your first BPD/NPD, the drama feels like home.

The reason this person is so horrible to me is because they love me and care about me.

We might consciously think that, or completely subconsciously .

And they will tell you that as well. My pwBPD was my friend before we ever dated. I was once telling him that my very calm, very boring bf at the time had told me that he was concerned I might be too overweight for him and it will make him feel less attracted to me. (I was an inch taller than said bf and about 40 lbs heavier.) My friendwBPD told me that I should be grateful that my bf feels comfortable enough to be so horribly mean to me.

What.

My pwBPD is hypercritical of me and puts me down because he wants me to be better and cares about me

Sure.

No one else would be willing to be this harsh with you and care enough to traumatise you Actual quote.

Abusive relationship 101.

It's exactly that. My household always on red alert as my father was very handy with my mother. I used to spend hours every night sat on the stairs with my ear to the wall to be there in casa ese I needed to rush in and defend my mother. They rowed all the time and when I was 8 he tried to strangle her with a telephone cord, all in front of me. From that day on I was hyper hyper vigilant and my mothers bodyguard.

Being with my exBPD felt like home, anything could set her off. She'd lock herself in the bathroom and hit herself or take a razor to herself, she'd drive dangerously fast with me in the car, she'd threaten suicide on cliff faces and with bottles of pills her hands. It's UTTER madness, but it felt like 'home'. Only now can I see how stressful my home life was and how similar my life with my wife looked, playing rescuer, this time to a mentally ill woman, I could feel good about myself for 'saving' her.

I think you got it bang on. Part of this feels like home to us. It rehashes childhood wounds and we have a second chance to put things right. Except it goes wrong and then we learn that the real way to heal the childhood wound is to face it, outside a relationship and get help for our warped perceptions. I know not everyone has had the same experiences, but I think you have to go and live thru trauma to accept it as par for the course in a relationship and that's why healthy people don't touch BPD.