Refusing contact -- any experience on how this goes?

[WindReader]

Hi Reclaiming,

Thank you very much for following up with me this evening. Yes, the day did get better. I was able to get all my work done and do some exercise and catch up with friends and family, too. A good day in the end.

Thank you for your kind words about stumbling in these "no contact" efforts. I was beating myself up earlier in the day for using the wrong word with her. Yes, I do accept that my word choice has been poor in that it may leave open the idea that I'm coming back to her. Though in a sense, I really do need physical space. I need her to not approach me on campus or surreptitiously sit next to me in the library or come find me when I move to another spot to study. But, yes, going forward, I will use the more encompassing "no contact."

And walking around the library with her was also a mistake. But, my slip-ups are not a reason to contact her and let her know that I really meant no contact. I made mistakes. So has she. I don't owe her an explanation. My words have not convinced her of anything in the past, and I have no reason to think that they will now.

I am also terrified of initiating any contact to correct this possible misconception for fear that she will take it to mean I want to re-initiate deeper contact. I'm going to honor that fear for now. If I don't have written, up-to-date proof of my intentions to have no contact then that is OK. I'm going to move forward with my actions alone. Perhaps you could say it is cowardice to not put things in writing or even verbally, but my gut tells me there is little upside to doing that and potentially significant downsides (she thinks I want to talk more).

She did say today in her email that she did not want to make me uncomfortable at school and so would not try to talk to me again. I am under no illusions that this will be the last time she will try to talk to me, but it seems to show that she got the message this time in a way I've not managed to get across when we had talked about not having contact in the past.

Thank you again, Reclaiming and everyone else. Your support helped me to get through today.

All the best,

WindReader

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Yes, the day did get better. I was able to get all my work done and do some exercise and catch up with friends and family, too. A good day in the end.

So very glad the day was good in the end.  See, you can get through this!

My words have not convinced her of anything in the past, and I have no reason to think that they will now.

BINGO... .you said it... .words haven't worked.  Action does.  Keep up the good work!

I am also terrified of initiating any contact to correct this possible misconception for fear that she will take it to mean I want to re-initiate deeper contact. I'm going to honor that fear for now.   I'm going to move forward with my actions alone.

You are so smart.  How crazy is that for us to say we will break NC to tell them we want NC?   Good for you for honoring your fear and trusting your instincts.

Perhaps you could say it is cowardice to not put things in writing or even verbally, but my gut tells me there is little upside to doing that and potentially significant downsides (she thinks I want to talk more).

This is not cowardice.  This is you listening to your gut which knows all to well the upsides and the downsides.  It takes much courage to listen to yourself.  I heard from many that I needed to get a restraining order.  But I just knew that wasn't the right path.  it took a lot of courage to listen to myself in the chorus of folks who disagreed.  Maybe I was wrong.  Maybe it would have worked.  But all of my choices were a gamble so I had to go with the one in my gut.  You are being smart. 

Good on 'ya! 

[WindReader]

Made it 10 days without hearing from her. Yesterday afternoon she called six times and sent two text messages asking me to talk to her. She says she is leaving school after this year and wants to talk to me about it. She also enlisted a mutual friend to ask me to call her. He has sent me two text messages asking me to do so.

I have not responded to her and told our mutual friend that I was sorry that he had gotten caught up in this. Part of me wants to try to give her some closure, if in fact she does leave, which I doubt. But, I also feel that nothing is to be gained from talking to her. What I really want to tell her is how heartbroken I am that she stopped trusting me, but I think she would read that as an opening for us to get back together again.

As for the leaving school business, my sister points out that no good can come of that conversation either. If I say I want her to stay, then she would be encouraged that I want to get back together with her again. If I tell her she should leave, then I'm just more of a jerk to her than I already am.

Anyone have any thoughts? It is hard to want to explain how I feel to her, but also know that any explanation is hopeless.

[WindReader]

And I should add given the earlier part of this discussion that in her text messages, she wrote, "I know I should not be contacting you, but... ." So, I think my interest in NC is clear to her.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Windbreaker,

So very good to hear back from you.   I've been wondering how its been going for you.   Congrats on doing your hard work of NC.   I can SO relate to your desire to have a helpful,  healthy,  healing conversation with her.   I would absolutely love it if such were possible with my ex.   But,  unfortunately,  I came to the same conclusions as you and your sister did below:  hopeless,  pointless,  with no good coming of it.   For me,  I know,  that IF it were to go well for a minute,  it would NOT remain well.   

But, I also feel that nothing is to be gained from talking to her.

As for the leaving school business, my sister points out that no good can come of that conversation either.

It is hard to want to explain how I feel to her, but also know that any explanation is hopeless.

I really think you nailed it in one of you earlier posts:

I am also terrified of initiating any contact to correct this possible misconception for fear that she will take it to mean I want to re-initiate deeper contact. I'm going to honor that fear for now.   I'm going to move forward with my actions alone.

You are so smart.  How crazy is that for us to say we will break NC to tell them we want NC?   

In my prior r/s with other nons,  I knew I was okay to initiate contact IF &  ONLY I NO longer cared abt initiating contact (approx 3-6 months).  Kind of a paradox.   Any urgency to break NC was confirmation that I was not yet ready to do so.   

However,  in this case w/ an UexBPDbf,  I do not think there will ever be a day for me to break NC.  The r/s was not my fantasy r/s.   So why would I expect the a b/u  conversation to be my fantasy b/u conversation?

Stay in touch!

[WindReader]

Thanks, Reclaiming. Good ideas to mull over as always.

Last night she texted to say that she had a lost a pregnancy and had not told her family or anyone else, but wanted to keep it private and talk to me. This makes no sense as she told me she had one negative pregnancy test in February and I was there with her when she had another negative in March. The one in March she was actually disappointed that it was negative, which blew my mind and was a turning in point in realizing how reckless she was. We had broken up in early February.

She's also showed no signs of being pregnant, and I feel like if she was somehow pregnant then she surely would have let me know about it by now. I spoke with a minister friend who I talked to the first time we had the pregnancy scare, and he felt that it just made no sense at all that she could be pregnant now. He suggested that the responsible thing to do was to continue to not respond or if not that then to suggest that she talk to someone about, saying that I cannot be a support to her right now. I talked to my sister about it last night, and she also feels that this is ridiculous. This is hard because every bit of me wants to support her right now, but I also feel that she is lying to me about this and just trying to reel me back in. The possibility that she is not is gnawing at me.

I feel like she is turning me into someone I am not. I've not contacted her, but feel soulless for doing so. But, as I said before, I just can't see any good coming of it. It is so hard to be so impotent to do anything except to do nothing.

[llor]

Wow. Just went to the bathroom in the library and when I got back she was sitting in the chair next to me at the table. Then, she was surprised and shocked when I picked up my things and left. I told her I needed space and that no, we could not sit at the same table together. I slipped up a little and said, "I'm sorry," but I still left.

I had the notifications for the call blocker on by accident so I saw that she texted me wanting to just talk for a minute. I have not and will not respond to her. I have turned off the notifications now so that won't happen again.

They will fish for your reactions often. I have been trying to establish NC with my ex-wife for a while. However there is still business we need to discuss to get the divorce completed so we have been talking abit here and there. I have been trying to keep focusing it on the business of the divorce, while she keeps trying to re-establish a "friendly relationship", which I don't want anything to do with.

From my experience, if you don't need to talk to her, keep walking away. They will try any trick in the book to stay in touch unless you remain firm. (Easier said than done, I know).

[WindReader]

She's called me 11 times in the last three days as well as texted about 4 times. I got the "lost pregnancy" message on Sunday night, which makes no sense given the two negative pregnancy tests she had soon after we broke up, one of which I saw the result of.

I have anxiety that she is going to hurt herself. I also just hate the mental image of her suffering. I also understand that she is making her own decisions and I do not have any influence over them. But, that is intellectual. I've had this exhausting anxiety for the last few days. When I try to understand why I feel anxious, I can't understand it or rationalize it.

I have her phone number blocked, but I can still see when she leaves a VM and there is log of all of her calls that I can check. I know I should not check that log, but I have trouble stopping myself. I'm just worried I'm going to miss a message that signals a true emergency from her. I know this doesn't make any sense, but I feel stuck believing it nonetheless.

This hurts so bad.

Is this a test of no contact? I just want to know that she is OK and to tell her that she will be OK. I asked some of my classmates at school if they saw her today and they said they had so she is at least still coming to school. I was feeling relieved about that until I saw that she had called me again this evening. Then, the anxiety came back.

[WindReader]

She is asking me to just let her know that I can't talk via text. Can I do that or does that just justify all her efforts to get me to talk?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

On WindReader, I am sorry. This stuff is so freaking hard.  In the early days of NC (no response), I had never cried so much in my life.  Truly. 

My ex's texts and voicemails were heartbreaking. Pleading.  Begging.  Loving.  Funny.  Tender.  Kind. 

Except when they weren't.  Except when they were threatening.  Angry.  Hateful.  Scary.  Threatening suicide.  Threatening my reputation.  Then back to pleading.  Loving.  Kind.  My heart broke. 

I wish I could tell you what to do but I can't.  I can only tell you that I knew that if I responded to him after 20 or 200 contacts then I would have taught him that that was how many contacts it took to get to me to respond.  I did not want to "reward" his behavior in any way.  Maybe I was wrong.  Maybe he would have let me go with just "one last conversation."  But I didn't think so.  I think that "one last conversation" was going to create another reason, another excuse for another conversation. 

Never have I had a r/s end with NC forever.  I usually implement that for 2-4 months just to get over the emotional connection, but in the past it was always followed up with an amicable situation.  That will not happen with my UxBPDbf.  I do not trust his ability to do that.  So I did not respond.  Not even via text.

How many days has it been since you responded?  BPD or not, I always give myself at least 60 days of NC to help move the b/u down the field.  Maybe you can make that deal with yourself for now?  That you'll just get to 60 days and then can re-evaluate?  How would that be?

The good news with her texting is you know she is okay.  Hard though it is.

I looked at the logs too.  I listened to the voicemails.  Sometimes repeatedly.  As much as I didn't want him to call, I also didn't want him to stop calling.  It was so hard.  I just knew I could not respond.  Still can't. 

His contact is much reduced now almost 6 months out.  But he sent me a text full of lies just a few weeks ago.  The lies confirm he is someone who will say anything and someone I don't want to be in touch with.  Though part of me loves him still.

I am sorry for your heartache and anxiety. 

Go with your gut on this.  We are with you!

[WindReader]

Thanks as always, Reclaiming. Your support here means a lot to me. I hope it is not too exhausting!

It has been ~18 days since we last had contact. I like the 60 days N/C goal. Going to shoot for that.

I talked this through with my dad tonight and he gave me some good straight talk, encouraging me to allow myself to be a little angry, to take care of myself first and foremost (and to not give in to her demands for contact!), and to prepare for the long haul until she finds someone else.

The urge to return her contact has passed for now. This is some kind of crazy life.

About ten days left of school and then I will be leaving town for about a month on summer break. I know that will be good for me, and I hope it will be good for her leaving me alone.

PS I got the "Gift of Fear" book and read chapter 8. Thanks for the suggestion -- some good nuggets in there.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Glad the urge has passed for now.   Also very glad you are speaking so honestly with your sister and father.  My sister's absolutely helped me down the no response field.   Sometimes dragged me,  sometimes carried me.   They could see the bigger picture and the reality in ways I could not.   They were not taken in by his emotional pleas.   They felt the appropriate anger at his lies and threats.   When I found bpdfamily I had Googled "how to get un-brainwashed."   That was what I felt like... .That I had been brain-washed and so my ability to see the reality and the truth was completely compromised.   I couldn't trust my feelings abt/for him.   Glad you have your dad and sister to fact-check with.   Your minister too.

Yes,  go for SIXTY days!   Commit to that completely.   That will help lift the FOG.   Keep reading de Becker.   He says in there (paraphrased) that "people who won't let go choose people who won't say 'no.''"  So it is up to US to say no.   

Good work,  Wind Reader.   Keep doing what you are doing.   Keep sharing here especially when the urges hit.  That is why we are here!