When friends don't understand...

[sbr1050]

So, on top of the way I have been feeling since I heard my 62 year old uBPDexbf married his 23 year old GF this weekend (which is lonely, miserable, desperate, etc), I got together with a friend for lunch today.

I love her dearly, even though she has a strong personality.  Most of the time I love her realistic and blunt opinions on things.  I have always been a very private person, keeping feelings and issues to myself and not airing my dirty laundry with others.  I am only now learning how to share things with others.  I am not good at it but if I do talk about things, I am always, always, always aware of not making someone my own personal human garbage can!  

I met with this friend a couple of months ago and most of the conversation was about my ex (right after I found out about the GF).  I was hurting and it was nice to talk about things with a friend.  I don’t really have many girlfriends but she is one I consider a good friend.  She is in contact with my ex because of his business, although only every couple of months, so she knows him.  She has been one of the few people that was honest about what she saw in him all along and what was wrong with my interactions and relationship with him.  She’s a pretty smart woman.   After the last time we met, I felt bad about dumping on her and even apologized that somehow the conversation was so much about him.   I really hadn’t intended it to be.

I had texted her this weekend, right after I heard my ex got married this weekend.  Mainly just to share that tidbit with someone.  She immediately suggested lunch today.  In my mind, I told myself I would not spend the whole lunch talking about him or my problems.  But, the moment we sat down, she started asking me questions about what was going on with that whole thing.  It led into my issues, what she saw, how I should work on healing myself.  All things I valued talking about with someone else.  I see things clearer about my ex the more I talk out loud about them.  I really appreciated her bluntness and willingness to talk about me but at the same time, I was feeling bad. She kind of kept the conversation going so I just went with it.  She made some comments here and there throughout lunch, indicating she is sick of all my “shares” on Facebook, that I was wrong to text my ex congratulating him on his first grandbaby,  wrong that I wrote a card to my ex’s sister, thanking her for all her kindness over the years and that I was disappointed that it didn’t work out with him, that I should cut contact with his kids, etc.  As I sat there, after her comments, I started feeling like a victim, which is not something I ever want to be!

Then, right after lunch, another friend messaged me, asking me if I am actually trying to get over my ex.  I really haven’t dumped on that friend about him but I have shared with her my lack of motivation, feeling overwhelmed , lack of energy because of it, etc.  

I am truly not a Debbie Downer all the time.  I power thru most of the bad days/moments but sometimes I feel I need to say, “Please understand – I am dealing with something right now. Just give me a minute”.  :)on’t get me wrong – I value honesty from friends and family.  But I just felt so deflated after two friends, in the same day, are treating me like a victim or someone that needs a kick in the butt.  I really don’t want that to be what people think of me.  I am really trying.  I am trying to undo 18 years of mental and physical abuse from him.

I came home and felt so desperately lonely for my ex.  He was “my person” – he was the one I shared these types of feelings with.  Somehow, even though he couldn’t always relate or wasn;t always understanding, I still felt safe to talk with him about things.  Now he wants nothing to do with me – he has erased me, completely.   At this point, I feel I just want to retreat from people all together.  I feel like I will never have another person that I can feel that safety with.

What’s wrong with me?

[patientandclear]

There is nothing wrong with you. You'v been badly hurt and the way you feel makes complete sense.

I'm coming up on four YEARS since my BPDex suddenly walked away from our beautiful relationship, saying he didn't know how he'd deal with with losing me, and that he'd always see our time together as a precious gift ... .those words did not help it make sense. It does not make sense. It's "ambiguous loss" and the wounds are very hard to close. In my case it's no doubt compounded by my repeated efforts to meet him halfway and find some way to fix it and repair us. But I too feel depleted and not OK in a way that others just can't grasp.

Don't under-estimate the traumatic impact of being replaced, of zero loyalty after you expended so much care and effort. The loss of one's "person" is fundamental and if you WERE OK at this point there would be something wrong with your processing.

Like others who post here, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, but I'm not sure I'll ever really heal from this. I've had to accept that may be the case. Life still has meaning but there is a constant "what we would be doing if ... ." quality even to my happy times. I think I'm on an extreme end of the recovery continuum so please don't be too discouraged--but I offer this to say that there is a lot of company here for how you feel. It IS normal and you ARE trying.

[Everlong]

Hi there, and I'm so sorry you are having this issue with your friends. My heart truly goes out to you.  

I am like you in that I usually keep to myself about things of this nature, but deep down I yearn for a friend who would truly understand. I am sure it hurt like hell being beaten down when you try to reach out.

I've only been on this board for a short time, but the people here are a God-send. Everyone truly gets what you're going through and has a compassionate and uplifting word to say. I'm so glad I found this place, and I'm glad you did, too. Stick with us. We all have your back, sister.

Hang in there.

[Invictus01]

It is petty much a consistent theme across just about every story on this board - friends and family do not get it. It is almost like you are talking in some alien language with them. They think you went nuts. Nobody gets it. Petty much only people who dealt with this kind of stuff will understand you. For the rest, it is just waaaaay too out there to believe.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry that you are struggling with all of this. But it sounds like you are grieving the end of the relationship and have emotions that go along with that. I my opinion it is the healthy thing to do. However, in some ways, it sounds like you are fighting it. How do you feel about grieving?

With my own friends and family, I have found that they have different levels of comfort with my grieving. So I do have to be mindful of what they are comfortable with and mindful of my mood and needs when deciding whether to or not to interact with different people.

[Olivia_D]

It very much sounds like a healthy grieving process. An Elisabeth Kubler Ross book on the stages of grief may be a good reminder that everyone grieves differently, all of the stages of grieving a death are equally applicable to losing a relationship. No one can simply tell you to grin and bear it or hurry up or snap out of it as it is a "process." (regardless of whether this was their intention or not).  If the relationship ended by a death, they would likely be softer... .In fact, I have read that grieving the loss of a relationship is more difficult as death is closure in many ways; whereas the loss of a r/s sometimes involves no closure. This will surely makes grieving more complicated.  Retreating from the world a bit is sometimes needed to grieve privately, regain some strength, and to regroup.  People that have not walked in your shoes have no clue how challenging it is to work through it. I have come to recognize people in my life (who are decent people) that do not know how to experience loss and my sadness or grief makes them uncomfortable because they don't know what to do or say, and sometimes it is awkward. Grieving is incredibly healthy but it does not mean you are a Debbie Downer or have a victim (mentality). It means you are human. We have tear ducts for a reason. Hang in there and be easy on yourself. Their inability to get it does not make negate your experience or feelings. Hugs. Olivia

[valet]

The only friends (2) that I am am able to actually confide in myself have either:

a.) gone through one of these kinds of relationships in the past in which I now see (after educating myself here) about million red flags and obvious signs of emotional abuse toward them

b.) been warned by me of red flags and behaviors in people that they were being pursued by

Virtually no one else (save my mom) who I have talked to has understood, and it has become an almost futile process of trying to talk about it. I've heard the same things, a few times ('you have to TRY to get over this'; 'just forget about it'; 'i'm sorry, but... .', even after going deep into attachment theory and listing, specifically, behaviors and problems that I faced and how they fit into the cluster-b spectrum. These are the friends that I trust the most, and none of them appear to me to want to even make an honest effort to listen to what I have to say.

It is terrible, really. I trust my own ability to reason, though, and I'm sure that if I hadn't found this place my head would still be turning in circles and I would not be as alright as I am now. When it comes down to it, we can't hold others accountable for having any kind of understanding of a pwBPD if they have not been involved with one themselves. That's unfortunate, but it is also a critical piece of the healing to process to recognize. It is an indicator that there are some things that we must face alone. Sounds bleak, but it will make us stronger.

[Mutt]

It very much sounds like a healthy grieving process. An Elisabeth Kubler Ross book on the stages of grief may be a good reminder that everyone grieves differently, all of the stages of grieving a death are equally applicable to losing a relationship. No one can simply tell you to grin and bear it or hurry up or snap out of it as it is a "process." (regardless of whether this was their intention or not).  If the relationship ended by a death, they would likely be softer... .In fact, I have read that grieving the loss of a relationship is more difficult as death is closure in many ways; whereas the loss of a r/s sometimes involves no closure. This will surely makes grieving more complicated.  Retreating from the world a bit is sometimes needed to grieve privately, regain some strength, and to regroup.  People that have not walked in your shoes have no clue how challenging it is to work through it. I have come to recognize people in my life (who are decent people) that do not know how to experience loss and my sadness or grief makes them uncomfortable because they don't know what to do or say, and sometimes it is awkward. Grieving is incredibly healthy but it does not mean you are a Debbie Downer or have a victim (mentality). It means you are human. We have tear ducts for a reason. Hang in there and be easy on yourself. Their inability to get it does not make negate your experience or feelings. Hugs. Olivia

Hi sbr1050,

I'm sorry to hear that. I think Olivia articulates the grieving process very well and I  also would like to add that your friends invalidated you. I can relate being invalidated and told get over it weeks after the break-up. It hurts to hear when we're knee deep in pain.

Your 62 year old ex partner married a 23 year old and you had a long history. This is difficult stuff  It also helps to share with others that have been in a r/s break-up w/ a pwBPD because it's invisible and difficult to detect and often the bad behaviors are directed at loved ones behind closed doors and they don't see the maladaptive or dysfunctional behaviors.

A criteria for BPD is unstable and chaotic inter-personal relationships and it's hard for some people to relate with the added pain, chaos, confusion, lack of empathy and closure inflicted by our partners. I recall my ex partners friends being split black or white and they weren't necessarily the ones that my ex was projecting negatives feelings of shame, guilt and insecurities on? They saw her false self that she projects. They may of seen odd or peculiar behavior but I was mostly the target for this in my home, in the car or when others weren't around.

I'm sorry your friends invalidated you. It helps to talk.

Hang in there.


----Mutt  

[Turkish]

Friends mean well, sbr150, but "fixing" or offering solutions is invalidating... .Friends can love you, and mean well, but as others have said, if they haven't been where you are, their support can be minimal. I've been there, even with my best friend of 30 years who was on board with the BPD "diagnosis" (his sister is dBPD, we found out just this year). I got the feeling that he was tired of talking BPD, even after he read some of the info here.

Talk it out here. From an outsidersl's perspective, his actions seem whacky,.but this is a man you loved, and may still love, despite it all.

[Panda39]

I don't know if you have a therapist but that might be a place to go for support as you work your way through the grieving process of this relationship.  It's their job to listen so it might make you feel less guilty about talking about the relationship.

I'd like to join everyone else and say that we understand and will listen to you as long as you need us to. 

[JRT]

My friends and family didn't want to hear about it almost immediately. Their response was the stock, 'Good thing you didn't get married' or '... .just move on... .'. I even explained everything that I had learned to a very close friend of mine who is no stranger to mental/emotional illness who in the end insisted that there was 'just something she didn't like about you' that caused my exBPDfiance' to disappear and cut me off almost immediately after moving in (although acknowledging that the way she broke up was not normal).

The best advice that someone could have given me at that time is to just give family and friends the facts one time and not to expect any real support from them moving forward. Not because they are jerks or uncaring but because of the nature of BPD ... .    '... .so what you are saying, JRT, is that she loved you and wanted to love you desperately and lived her whole life vigorously looking for someone just like yourself? So, having found you and achieving that goal and getting to know you deeply caused her to freak out, lash out in anger, block you and threaten legal action against your through the cops and lawyers if you so much as attempted to contact her?' It made ME look like the crazy one and even when I read back to myself what I had just written makes me think that I MUST have been beating her or something!

The only support that I have received has been here... .

[Invictus01]

My friends and family didn't want to hear about it almost immediately. Their response was the stock, 'Good thing you didn't get married' or '... .just move on... .'. I even explained everything that I had learned to a very close friend of mine who is no stranger to mental/emotional illness who in the end insisted that there was 'just something she didn't like about you' that caused my exBPDfiance' to disappear and cut me off almost immediately after moving in (although acknowledging that the way she broke up was not normal).

The best advice that someone could have given me at that time is to just give family and friends the facts one time and not to expect any real support from them moving forward. Not because they are jerks or uncaring but because of the nature of BPD ... .    '... .so what you are saying, JRT, is that she loved you and wanted to love you desperately and lived her whole life vigorously looking for someone just like yourself? So, having found you and achieving that goal and getting to know you deeply caused her to freak out, lash out in anger, block you and threaten legal action against your through the cops and lawyers if you so much as attempted to contact her?' It made ME look like the crazy one and even when I read back to myself what I had just written makes me think that I MUST have been beating her or something!

The only support that I have received has been here... .

It is almost comical (in not too horribly funny way) how not only relationship stories match for most of us but the reaction from friends and family matches as well. Like all of us were seeing the same person and have the same group of friends. I had the same thing told to me - "move on", "maybe you just misread everything", "maybe she just wasn't that into you". Anything I had to say was making me look like a nut job. The only person who knew exactly how I felt was... .TADA!... .somebody who dealt with this before.