What were some of the setbacks that you faced deeper into the healing process?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey guys and gals, some of you know me by now and others don't, but I have what I think is a fairly important question for anyone that is just starting to pull themselves out of the intense grief/anxiety that they faced and beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel:

What were some of the unexpected roadblocks that you faced, months and months, if not years down the line after your experience with a pwBPD?

Recycles, of course, would be a primary concern for anyone, but what about the smaller things, those that kind of hide in the bushes and jump out at you?

I'm curious, mainly, because I think that I have done a good job processing all of the information (or lack thereof) that I have, but I want to know more. Preparedness never hurt anyone, I suppose. So again, to refer back to the original question: what addition mental/emotional bumps did you have to deal with, even well into your progress?

Thanks!

[valet]

Hey guys and gals, some of you know me by now and others don't, but I have what I think is a fairly important question for anyone that is just starting to pull themselves out of the intense grief/anxiety that they faced and beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel:

What were some of the unexpected roadblocks that you faced, months and months, if not years down the line after your experience with a pwBPD?

Recycles, of course, would be a primary concern for anyone, but what about the smaller things, those that kind of hide in the bushes and jump out at you?

I'm curious, mainly, because I think that I have done a good job processing all of the information (or lack thereof) that I have, but I want to know more. Preparedness never hurt anyone, I suppose. So again, to refer back to the original question: what addition mental/emotional bumps did you have to deal with, even well into your progress?

Thanks!

[Bassoutcast]

Well, I don't know if I quite understood the question, but I think the roadblocks I'm facing (2 months out, no recycle in sight) have to do with women in general - I feel kind of "betrayed" by women. My ex, being my first girlfriend, destroyed a huge part of my "fantasy", now - if I find a women even remotely attractive, I can't even look her in the eye, I've lost what little self-confidence I've had to begin with, and I'm battling with it. Plus, when she broke up with me my ex said "I know you only love me and want to be with me, but you'll find someone else soon", that was the last straw that broke my heart... .I'm learning to trust again, telling myself that other women aren't like that, that they'd actually APPRECIATE the effort I'd put into a r/s (and ALL of my female friends were shocked by the way I treated my ex, constantly saying "wow, if my boyfriend would treat me half as good as you treat her", etc).

The experience with my ex also brought me to re-evaluate my long inner resentment to my mother, and actually talk to her about it and figure things out. It was a huge step for me and I'm proud of myself for taking it and talking it out.

So in short - trust. that has been my main problem.

[nonbpdis-m]

Well, I don't know if I quite understood the question, but I think the roadblocks I'm facing (2 months out, no recycle in sight) have to do with women in general - I feel kind of "betrayed" by women. My ex, being my first girlfriend, destroyed a huge part of my "fantasy", now - if I find a women even remotely attractive, I can't even look her in the eye, I've lost what little self-confidence I've had to begin with, and I'm battling with it. Plus, when she broke up with me my ex said "I know you only love me and want to be with me, but you'll find someone else soon", that was the last straw that broke my heart... .I'm learning to trust again, telling myself that other women aren't like that, that they'd actually APPRECIATE the effort I'd put into a r/s (and ALL of my female friends were shocked by the way I treated my ex, constantly saying "wow, if my boyfriend would treat me half as good as you treat her", etc).

The experience with my ex also brought me to re-evaluate my long inner resentment to my mother, and actually talk to her about it and figure things out. It was a huge step for me and I'm proud of myself for taking it and talking it out.

So in short - trust. that has been my main problem.

Yes the thought of going through that all over again is a big road block in having a future with someone else for me.  I would rather be single forever and just have contact with my daughter.  I too have trust issues now which ironically is part of the problem with people suffering with BPD.  It's almost as if they pass it on.

[valet]

That's an interesting concern that you two have.

I've personally never felt that way, because I know that I'll spot the red flags, and if I don't I will be better at forgiving myself and accepting the situation.

I guess the stakes for my relationship weren't that high, though. My ex and I simply had shared goals and dreams that we never enacted. I couldn't imagine having to go through this if we had stayed together longer and had kids or something.

[Deeno02]

I went 7 months without seeing her and was getting better. Then my sons volleyball season kicked in, she's his coach, and now I have to see her 2 to 3 times a week. It hasn't really been that bad but sometimes its a bit overwhelming to see her because its like ripping a band aid off. I don't interact with her in any way, I come in, watch my son play, say bye to him and head out the door. I don't think its really affected my healing much, other than having to see her and feel a tad bit of sadness over it all.

[LeonVa]

I'm still somewhat new to the healing process, I definitely got over my ex wife, but now I'm in the dating pool again, I find myself often questioning if the girls are hiding their craziness from me. .

In addition, I have a son, so I'm not sure what I'm looking for exactly and such I'm just dating whoever I get get along with. This one girl who is pretty cool so far, 4 years older than I am,  but she has 3 kids, very limited time, so yeah, just text and kill sometime with until she's free the next time. 

Lastly,  I guess I just don't feel like having anyone to get in between my son and I, and to an extend my exwife, still feels as if we are a "family" in a weird way, it just doesn't feel right to have another person to be "in it".  I don't know, I'm still confused somewhat.

[JRT]

Just the everyday things in life. Because we were with each other all of the time when not working, it was a trigger just with her not being around for those trips to the store or lunch. Of course, that went away but to this day almost 8 months later, going to this restaurant that we went to, or seeing someone wearing a similar outfit or hairstyle as hers, going to the same vacation spot or even hearing someone called by the same first name. Although that are all going going away slowly, they are all still triggers after all these weeks and months.

[Madison66]

valet,

I'm 18 months out of a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  There were some definite roadblocks, setbacks especially or just struggles during year one of my recover/detachment.  Here are some:

1. The decision to also go n/c with her three young kids was rough.  Believe me, if I could have kept a r/s with the kids I would have.  The entire situation was unhealthy and I had to move myself away from the toxic "mess".  That really tested the work I was doing in T to get the guilt factor!  The "fixer" side of me also struggled to walk away from the kids knowing they were suffering.

2. Proximity to my ex gf made it hard to maintain n/c.  I consciously had to avoid walking or driving up the street to avoid her and her kids.  I also sucked to see the long line of replacements that came and went as soon as a week after the b/u. 

3. One thing I didn't understand would be so hard to see the effect the b/u and n/c had on my teen daughter who formed a r/s my ex gf's young kids.  This was tough and another test of my decision making and also with the guilt factor.

4. Another setback happened for me when I started dating too early after the b/u (2-3 months after).  I just wasn't ready to date, but I think my need to feel like I was "date-able" after the b/u pushed me out there too soon.  About 8 months after the b/u, I found myself in a short r/s with a person w/ PD (she admitted it at the end).  It was good it only took my a couple months to see it and walk away, I still had to ask myself "what in H are you doing?"

5. When I left the r/s, there was an initial feeling of freedom and jubilation.  Then, came the flow of other emotions.  As simple as I can say it - I left the r/s and then found I only had myself in the end.  I don't know that this was a setback or a point of clarity, but it then was the beginning of the crappy hard work of dealing with my own stuff.  I still am doing that.

6. Ruminating about all the things that went down in the r/s, good and bad.  It was bad at first and eventually got better especially by using some techniques I learned from my T.  I'm way better now and it all feels like a memory of a memory.

Being a year and a half out, my setback and roadblocks to my own growth and happiness solidly come from my own stuff.  At the same time, my growth and happiness comes from dealing with my own stuff.  I can truly process and let things go now, and am way better at cutting myself a break.  I've had situations recently where I've had struggles with my teen daughter and had to take a step back and say to myself - "you are doing the best you can!"  I think that is what life is all about... .

[Deeno02]

valet,

I'm 18 months out of a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  There were some definite roadblocks, setbacks especially or just struggles during year one of my recover/detachment.  Here are some:

1. The decision to also go n/c with her three young kids was rough.  Believe me, if I could have kept a r/s with the kids I would have.  The entire situation was unhealthy and I had to move myself away from the toxic "mess".  That really tested the work I was doing in T to get the guilt factor!  The "fixer" side of me also struggled to walk away from the kids knowing they were suffering.

2. Proximity to my ex gf made it hard to maintain n/c.  I consciously had to avoid walking or driving up the street to avoid her and her kids.  I also sucked to see the long line of replacements that came and went as soon as a week after the b/u. 

3. One thing I didn't understand would be so hard to see the effect the b/u and n/c had on my teen daughter who formed a r/s my ex gf's young kids.  This was tough and another test of my decision making and also with the guilt factor.

4. Another setback happened for me when I started dating too early after the b/u (2-3 months after).  I just wasn't ready to date, but I think my need to feel like I was "date-able" after the b/u pushed me out there too soon.  About 8 months after the b/u, I found myself in a short r/s with a person w/ PD (she admitted it at the end).  It was good it only took my a couple months to see it and walk away, I still had to ask myself "what in H are you doing?"

5. When I left the r/s, there was an initial feeling of freedom and jubilation.  Then, came the flow of other emotions.  As simple as I can say it - I left the r/s and then found I only had myself in the end.  I don't know that this was a setback or a point of clarity, but it then was the beginning of the crappy hard work of dealing with my own stuff.  I still am doing that.

6. Ruminating about all the things that went down in the r/s, good and bad.  It was bad at first and eventually got better especially by using some techniques I learned from my T.  I'm way better now and it all feels like a memory of a memory.

Being a year and a half out, my setback and roadblocks to my own growth and happiness solidly come from my own stuff.  At the same time, my growth and happiness comes from dealing with my own stuff.  I can truly process and let things go now, and am way better at cutting myself a break.  I've had situations recently where I've had struggles with my teen daughter and had to take a step back and say to myself - "you are doing the best you can!"  I think that is what life is all about... .

Madison. I feel you man. I had to go NC with her 5 kids as well. I had a special bond with her autistic son. My 20y/o daughter loved her like a mother and those kids like they were her brothers and sister. My son is friends with her eldest son and my exgf coaches my son's volleyball team. I have to see her and those kids 2-3 times a week and it kills me.

[StarOfTheSea]

Hi Valet,

I'm five months out and the two biggest issues for me are trust and resentment. I've started dating again and I have a hard time trusting men not to screw me over like my exBPDbf did. The first date I had after the b/u felt really weird. I felt like I was cheating. The first time I was intimate with someone else felt even weirder; I was pretty down for a few days after that.

I still have a ton of resentment and anger about the way he discarded me. There aren't any feelings of wanting him back, but I do wish we could still be friendly. We went through a lot, so for me it sucks that someone I shared those experiences with is someone I can't talk to. For example, Mother's Day was hard for me because I miscarried last year. Not a lot of people knew about my pregnancy, so he was my main support. I heard nothing from him on mother's day. He has his shiny new toy, aka my replacement, so I no longer exist. So yeah, there's still a lot of anger and resentment that I carry around.

[once removed]

"What were some of the unexpected roadblocks that you faced, months and months, if not years down the line after your experience with a pwBPD?"

has little to do with the ex specifically, but a lot of my friends that ought to have been there failed to be for their own reasons. i was trying to build/rebuild a life, and i could have more easily moved on if i was more easily able to do so, but i felt i was failing at every turn. the only ones we can count on in this process is ourselves, and to a huge extent, this forum.