Delusional or what?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The long and the short of it is after 18 years I ended my marriage with my uBPDh . After 18 years of what I can only call 'abuse' in every way shape and form, the final catalyst was when he decided to go on holiday again without me. He has had affairs in the past and the last time he went away without me he met someone else and planned a whole new life abroad. Needless to say when it all fell through he came running back to me saying what a huge mistake he had made.

Anyway, he had decided he wanted to go away again... .with me... .but wanted to go during the period that our son was sitting his exams. So I said I would like to go a month or so later so as not to leave our son at home during that stressful time. He refused point blank to budge from his May date and made out that I was just making excuses that I didn't want to go. After a week of him giving me the silent treatment he said he was booking it anyway, for himself, in May. As far as I was concerned this was the final nail in the coffin. He would not compromise on dates and what is a marriage without compromise? Plus I couldn't trust him to go on his own. I decided the marriage was over, and told him why.

So, now he is away on his oh so important holiday, he texts me. Saying what a lovely place it is and its a real shame I didn't go with him. Talk about rubbing salt in the wounds. So I debate whether to reply, but can't help myself. I said it was a real shame he couldn't have waited a few more weeks like I asked him to, then I would be with him and we would still have a marriage.

The next text I received hit me hard... .he said I had never asked to go at a different time or he would have waited... .What? Then he started saying I told him I didn't love him and I had told him I didn't want him... .I have NEVER said those things... .WOW he lives on another planet. His world is made up of distortion and lies. I have ended our marriage finally after all this time over something he says never even happened? I even forwarded him a text message I had sent about going away in June to prove it had happened. No response to that, he just changed the subject.

Totally gobsmacked and totally frustrated. There really is no hope.

Guessing I am not the only one that has found themselves in this situation or similar?

[spottydog]

The long and the short of it is after 18 years I ended my marriage with my uBPDh . After 18 years of what I can only call 'abuse' in every way shape and form, the final catalyst was when he decided to go on holiday again without me. He has had affairs in the past and the last time he went away without me he met someone else and planned a whole new life abroad. Needless to say when it all fell through he came running back to me saying what a huge mistake he had made.

Anyway, he had decided he wanted to go away again... .with me... .but wanted to go during the period that our son was sitting his exams. So I said I would like to go a month or so later so as not to leave our son at home during that stressful time. He refused point blank to budge from his May date and made out that I was just making excuses that I didn't want to go. After a week of him giving me the silent treatment he said he was booking it anyway, for himself, in May. As far as I was concerned this was the final nail in the coffin. He would not compromise on dates and what is a marriage without compromise? Plus I couldn't trust him to go on his own. I decided the marriage was over, and told him why.

So, now he is away on his oh so important holiday, he texts me. Saying what a lovely place it is and its a real shame I didn't go with him. Talk about rubbing salt in the wounds. So I debate whether to reply, but can't help myself. I said it was a real shame he couldn't have waited a few more weeks like I asked him to, then I would be with him and we would still have a marriage.

The next text I received hit me hard... .he said I had never asked to go at a different time or he would have waited... .What? Then he started saying I told him I didn't love him and I had told him I didn't want him... .I have NEVER said those things... .WOW he lives on another planet. His world is made up of distortion and lies. I have ended our marriage finally after all this time over something he says never even happened? I even forwarded him a text message I had sent about going away in June to prove it had happened. No response to that, he just changed the subject.

Totally gobsmacked and totally frustrated. There really is no hope.

Guessing I am not the only one that has found themselves in this situation or similar?

[jhkbuzz]

My ex often remembered things differently than how they actually happened - this is known as "feelings are facts" in some of the reading you will do about BPD. It's crazy making, but it's often not purposeful. If reality does not align with the way they're feeling, pwBPD will alter reality ("the facts" to make everything line up.  We all do this to a degree, but it's extreme in pwBPD. It's part of the disorder.

You may find this thread about circular arguments eye-opening: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

[going places]

www.narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

Stay the course.

This 'text' and him 'forgetting' is abuse. See above article.

Do your best to stay the course. Use this time to pack up and put into storage the things that belong to you, that you treasure. Start the process of either removing him from the home, or removing yourself.

Abuse, has no excuse.

It is NEVER acceptable.

[enlighten me]

Hi spottydog

im sorry your going through this but your not alone.

I spent years with my ex wife with her rewritting history and 2 1/2 years with my exgf doing the same but to an even greater extent. I couldnt understand it at the time but I get it now.

Feelings equal facts so the fact he thinks you dont love him must have come from somewhere therefore you must have said it. This makes more sense to a pwBPD than the fact they are jumping to conclusions based on nothing more than how they feel.

He probably did want to go on holiday on his own. He chose the time knowing you wouldnt go because of your son. He now feels guilty but rather than take the blame its easier to blame you. The fact you sent him hard evidence wont sit well with him because it reinforces his guilt and proves he is a bad person like deep down he probably feels he is.