Should I give up on her?

[pizzapizza]

Hi everyone,

My older sister (she's 35yrs old) acknowledges she has BPD, in fact I feel she uses it as an excuse to not take responsibility for her behaviour, however, she will not see a councillor/therapist about it. (I arranged an appointment for her when she was feeling suicidal and she went a few times but then said it wasn't helping her).

My sister has been difficult her whole life and has done some nasty/cruel things to our mother, myself and our other siblings. Our family always forgive her, whether she accepts responsibility/apologises or not.

Over the last year she become even more difficult, constantly saying nasty things behind peoples back and falling out with everyone constantly. I feel that the success of her sisters in relationships make her feel even worse about herself and it makes her not want to be around us, although I'm not sure she sees it that way.

She has been cruel to our mother, telling her she wants nothing to do with her and she disowned all of us a few months ago. Our mum is nearly 70 and is not coping with the situation well. She is very sad and unsure what to do. I also think she's tired of the constant drama and bad feeling.

My problem is that although she struggles with relationships with men, she actually has a few good friends and she can 'behave' around them.

I'm wondering whether i should be chasing after her after she decided she doesn't want to be part of the family or should I just respect her wishes. She should know she can always come back, all we've ever done is look out for her and forgive her behaviour.

I'm just wondering if we're being taken for fools because I feel she can control her behaviour (she has a great job and has always worked well with no problems) and she's draining the rest of the family in a cycle that just isn't stopping and she won't go to a therapist or accept any boundaries.

Is it my duty as her sister to just accept her abusive behaviour and never give up?

Thank you x

[Turkish]

Hello pizzapizza,

Suddenly, I'm hungry 

It sounds like your sister may be self-aware enough to realize that she needs help. However, sje's also rebelling, and expecting others to "fill the void" so to speak, or meet her needs. Maybe it's like one ongoing tantrum of an emotionally immature person, like:

Emotional Immaturity

Abandonment is a core fear of someone with BPD. However, consistent enforcement of boundaries not only protects you, but it can teach her what she can and can't "get away with." It may trigger worse behavior initially, but with consistency, even a pwBPD (person with BPD) may get it.

Turkish

[AnnaofArendelle]

 

When your sister when to a therapist, was it a DBT-trained therapist or at least one familiar with the disorder? I'm new so I don't know much (not like our fabulous moderators), but I do know that every time my BPD BFF has gone to therapy and it hasn't been with someone who knows the disorder, it has turned out horribly. Her new therapist is a DBT/BPD specialist and actually gained Elsa's respect by "out-b___ing her" as she called it. That is, using DBT methods to get through to her.

Now, that's not to say that your sister truly is ready for/willing to go to therapy, so there's that to consider. But, it may be something for you to look into.

Hope this helps!   

[jdtm]

Should I give up on her?

 

Is it my duty as her sister to just accept her abusive behaviour

Of course not.  However, you are not required to "be available".  One can "hold another in one's heart" and still be physically absent.  That's what I would do.  Just one opinion ... .