How do you know if they mean it?

[m0xiemom]

My husband and I have been talking about separation. A fairly drastic one where I move to a different state and live with friends or something really simplistic like separate rooms as I work opposite shift anyway. We have a 3yr old. He keeps saying to just commit to us. That he knows what he has to do and that he will let me finally be me. I'm having a hard time commiting because it's been 14yr and the FOG just seems so thick. I'm 32 and exhausted. How do I know he's really going to try? Is this just another tactic? Am I being unfair? I feel so lost.

[Michelle27]

I am sorry you are feeling so lost.  I have been there so many times.  I've listened to and believed the promises for so long that now when he's actually taking steps towards real therapy (CBT classes, an assessment coming up next month to hopefully get DBT and most recently, signing himself up for anger management classes), I still can't believe it's real.  6 weeks ago, after a boundary was crossed, we separated.  He was out of the house for 2 weeks and in that time, I realized that after 9 years of this, I need time to heal so I came up with an ingenious solution.  We also have a child (10 year old daughter) so I wanted the least disruption for her.  So I found a room to rent in which the owner was ok with my H and I taking turns for a week at a time.  So our daughter always has a parent in the home and yet, we both get a break from triggering each other, and most importantly for me, I get time and space to heal.  We still see each other, usually once a week for coffee and once for a "date night" and so far, that's going well.  I am going to counseling now while he works on his stuff.  For me, I need to work through why I tolerated he abuse and treatment I did for so long (my first marriage was abusive too) so it never happens again.  I need to also reduce my anxiety over the possibility of a rage at any moment and beef up my "tools" so if/when we decide to get back under the same roof, I can cope better.

I know for me, this separation is exactly what I need to heal.  Without it, I would have had to end the marriage for good and as I am still undecided if that's what I want, this is the best and least disruptive for our daughter.

Good luck with what you decide.

[m0xiemom]

Michelle, your husband was agreeable to the separation? I don't feel my husband will willingly participate. We have come up with plans several times only for him to negate them.