Common for BPD women to withold sex?

[McGahee21]

one of the biggest red flags in the beginning of meeting this girl two years ago, is the sexual relationship took forever to happen.  but all the while shes saying she really likes me, you understand me, always making out, and statements like im falling in love with you, you better marry me one day etc. 

now i know she is possibly lesbian because she has said that, but she still has sex with guys from time to time which i dont understand.  why identify as lesbian but have sex with guys, although is this just another ploy for attention.  as ive stated before this woman is literally a cameleon and lies even when not having to lie.  she also repeats mannerisms and speech patterns of the people she is around. for example, i always call people dude, she didnt start saying that until i said it.  or when i said " you front about everything, half the time i can believe anything you say."  she will then say a week later im sorry for fronting.  basically her language use is based on who she talks to.  when she saw a black friend of mine she said what up doe?  

anyway im getting off track, but is it common for BPD women to withold sex or in her mind use it to keep a guy around.  she did say at one time every time she slept with a guy they left.  she than said a month ago before the argument that sex is scary for her and has great anxiety but only when having sex with men, yet i know for a fact shes super promiscuous?  is this mutually exclusive.  can a BPD woman not like having sex with men, but do it for attention, love, money, or to just feel like someone likes her for her. because in the past she has stated she loved sex, or maybe that was a lie because she like me more than and didnt want to think that i thought she was weird

or the other possibility is she not BPD, and in reality a sociopath who just sees everyone as tools for her benefit sexual or resource wise. 

are their any distinct tools to differentiate between BPD and psychopathy.  because im starting to think she could be a sociopath, but im not a dr

[McGahee21]

this is her persona

pathological lying, even when she doenst have to lie

using pity to get what she wants

has no remorse for using other men for money or other favors

uses triangulation to create her as the victim/jealousy/resources

engages in reckless behavior, constantly stealing, nympho

severe sever drug abuse, alcohol abuse

constant trouble with the law

has different personas depending on who she is around, including different value systems not just personality... .

in good phases, constant mirroring, love bombing, and like a sycophant... .

no remorse for her victims, in fact blaming the victim

very hedonistic and little to no insight or percieved depth in personality or about life, very animalistic and reactionary... .

has stolen from and screwed over even very close friends and family

own father says she is bad bad news which i find to be very very scary and bizarre. 

all these traits dont seem like a BPD girl with severe emotional issues, but rather a straight sociopath

but like i said im not a doctor

[McGahee21]

also what is strange, i dont know if its just the craziness of the time i spent with her but i am starting to think i have BPD?  is this common?  i do have very strong empathy for people though.  but i do fear being alone but not like her? 

i lie about many things, although i wouldnt consider them to be of any significance, rather just for attention.

i drink heavily but sometimes i go months without drinking

i have always pushed every girl away with my neediness push pull behavior


idk many of the BPD traits i see in myself.  cant hold a job, unstable relationships, outbursts, abandonement issues, but i dont think i mirror, i am pretty true to myself

[DearBFF]

I don't specifically know about the withholding sex portion, but I may be able to speak to the part about saying she is lesbian but then also having sex with guys.  One trait of BPD is identity disturbance, basically they have a hard time knowing who they are.  So one minute they could be x, then y, then z, then xy, then xz, then xz, then xyz.  Then they might just start throwing in all sorts of random just to try it out or see what reaction it gets to see if they want to put it in the regular mix.  I know that sounds odd, but that's my understanding, that they really don't know.  So for instance a girl could like girls, perhaps if they had any past negative sexual experiences with a guy (for instance sexual abuse).  So girls feel safer, but if say their family openly opposes gay relationships they could never openly be gay.  So they are when it feels good, then if it starts feeling uncomfortable they aren't anymore.  Truth is they don't know who they are so they are whatever/whoever feels good at the moment.

Not sure if that helps, but it's just my 2 cents.

As far as the persona list... .are those all traits that have been seen by people not super close (even her father probably isn't that close to her) so they probably haven't linked stuff to BPD.  They just see the liar (afraid of losing someone by telling the truth), the thief (impulsivity to get what she wants in the moment with not thought for consequences), blaming the victim (because that's how she justifies her behavior, plus she doesn't want to take blame herself), severe drug and alcohol abuse (not really addict behavior because she is probably not fixated on one drug because she's not chasing a high, she's chasing feeling better)... . :)oes that make sense?  Because if you put together everything you said, I see BPD.  Plus as far as the no pity, you have no idea what's going on in her head... .anything someone she hurt could say to her she has probably said even worse to herself and she probably feels like crap about everything, but she doesn't seem like she's in a place to admit it.  I've realized that all of the emotions from BPD flooding someone's system is probably so exhausting and so taxing on their mind that there is not much room for anything else, like someone else's feelings in reality because everything links back to themselves.  Not exactly because they're selfish (selfish to me means "I deserve everything I want, I am special because I'm so great and wonderful", for BPD it's more like "Everything I do is wrong, I hurt everyone, I am an awful human being, I don't deserve to be alive."  From what it sounds like though, no one who added to the persona list has ever seen that side, behind the mask.  If she is BPD though, it's there, she's obviously just really, really good at hiding it.

Feeling like you have BPD, my guess is (especially if you are empathetic/sensitive) is that you are absorbing her feelings.  She is probably projecting them all over you and you are taking them all in.  I too am sensitive and let me tell you I started to think something was wrong with me I was like walking around so confused all the time (just trying to figure her out) and crying and feeling angry, sad, etc... .I mean all the time not knowing why.  Then I realized, if she's in a good mood, I'm in a good mood.  If she's in a bad mood, I'm in a bad mood.  I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it mentioned absorbing like a sponge or reflecting like a mirror and riding the rollercoaster ride.  I was on it and it sucked... .Once I realized it though and I reflected, leaving her feelings with her when I left, I felt so much better!  It was amazing... .She actually yelled "Get out of my life!" the next day and my emotions were completely calm, even, instead of feeling like I was going to split into a million pieces as I had riding the rollercoaster.  Now I know how I feel and I can leave her feelings to here, where they belong.

Fearing being alone, like ending up alone?  I know I have fear of abandonment... .I crave connection not necessarily having to be with someone 24/7, but I love to be connected.  I was adopted and this led to some of my fears, but most definitely not like BPD and I would never push someone away who was there for me like they seem to.  Since you don't feel the overwhelming feelings all the time and don't need to escape them by drinking/working constantly then I would say you probably do not have BPD.  As far as the push/pull behavior you might just have a fear of commitment due to the fear of abandonment.  With relationships do you have black and white thinking?  I know this is part of other disorders as well not just BPD.

[zundertowz]

Not mine... .I always thought a BPD trait was being hypersexual.

[blissful_camper]

My ex shared that he withheld sex in every relationship he had.  He didn't explain the reasons he withheld.  I can only guess that it may have been a form of control. 

[Olivia_D]

I don't think it's just limited to women.  My exBPD (man), while a pretty sexually active man would use it as a tool of manipulation.  It seems as-if, if you like it, they withhold it; if you don't like it, they must have it.  Seems more like a control issue than anything else. 

[confusedinWI]

For me my ex gf never withheld it... .I always thought we had matching sex drives

[apollotech]

"Seems more like a control issue than anything else."

What Olivia said ^^^^. A pwBPD will attempt to regulate/control their inner emotional turmoil/dysregulation/ via externally controlling people/their environment/situation/etc.

[workinprogress]

I don't think it's just limited to women.  My exBPD (man), while a pretty sexually active man would use it as a tool of manipulation.  It seems as-if, if you like it, they withhold it; if you don't like it, they must have it.  Seems more like a control issue than anything else. 

They do that with everything, not just sex.

[Deeno02]

Not to sound to personal, but oral was hit or miss. Always took care of her, me, not so much. Said it was a reward if she did it. Guess I must have been a really horrible person. It only happened once in 16 months. So yeah, I agree they use it to their advantage. Honestly made me feel pretty worthless as a man. Not sure if its the same with the replacement, but a leopard doesn't change its spots... .

[Jack2727]

This sounds awfully similar to my ex.

She made me wait like three months to have sex. We did it a total of three times and it seemed like she didn't even want to do it. This is the same person who was hyper sexual on Skype with me before meeting. Her mom is also a lesbian. 

If you are still with this person, get out! They use it as control. My ex dangled the hope of sex with me for 6 1/2. They sell you a false image and then dump you when it is convenient to them.

They will always use it as control. My ex was very controlling. Always wanted things her way.

[confusedinWI]

Mine never withheld it at all, maybe that's why leaving was so tough. Heck the day before the break up we had sex. Ugh maybe it would've been easier if she did withhold it because now I wonder if I'll meet someone that matches my drive and passion like she did

[Gonzalo]

Mine was wildly inconsistent - we banged on the first date though she said she doesn't normally do that. Then as we got closer, she would start finding weird reasons to get upset, and she would be sick a lot. Once we moved in, we were having sex about as often as we did when we lived 2 hours apart and pretty much only saw each other on the weekends, even though we were seeing each other every day, and the amount of kinky stuff we did went down. It also wasn't uncommon for us to plan to have a big night, then for her to find some minor thing like laundry folding to blow up about to kill the plan. Towards the end, she'd accuse me of being in a weird mood, and keep harping on it until I got annoyed and my mood did change, then blame that for her being mad. Also, we were in a poly relationship (both dating other people) and it seemed like she never had any trouble finding interest for any other partners, it was just me (though she didn't do the first date thing with anyone else).

One day when I was going to sit down and have a talk with her about it, she blew up at me about how I was responsible for our sex life not being good, and listed some strange reasons - she couldn't be spontaneous because I had really mild preferences like 'hair in my face is distracting' or 'resting your weight through your hands directly on my collar bone is too painful'. This didn't lead anywhere useful, of course. Then later I brought the topic up again, and pointed out that she was consistently declining when I offered, and she was often only up for it at times like 1 AM when I needed to be at work at 8, BAM suddenly our sex life was fine and that I had grossly unrealistic expectations for frequency and that 'life gets in the way' for everyone from time to time (even though this was consistent for a year and a half of living together).

I don't even know that it's a control issue in the sense that most people use the term, I think she had conflicting emotions about sex because of her abuse issues, and had to project all of the problems she had onto me so she wouldn't have to deal with them. Since she was just shoving emotion onto me, her brain didn't really see a need to keep the reasons consistent. I also think that I may have been the 'lightning rod' for her various insecurities and issues, so that the other people near her didn't get them as much.

[wavelife]

I don't think it's just limited to women.  My exBPD (man), while a pretty sexually active man would use it as a tool of manipulation.  It seems as-if, if you like it, they withhold it; if you don't like it, they must have it.  Seems more like a control issue than anything else. 

I agree!  I experienced every iteration with my dBPDw.  When our relationship started sex and affection was plentiful.  The well dried up and soon she wouldn't at all due to us not being married and me only separated not divorced.  We split up and she was quickly with another despite not being married.

Next a game of love bombing and she would show up for a bit, get sex and validation to leave again.

Years later we reunited but she withheld for the most part until we were married, then everything was fine... .for a little while.  Things stopped and we did not have sex for the last year of our marriage.  Despite everything I did, nothing I did was good enough.

Now she is with a replacement even though we are still married.  Everything she said was important in our past, me not being divorced, us not being married etc... .all lies.  True colours come through.

All of it is lies, control and manipulation. 

She knew I was a very affectionate and sexual person and it was important to me.  It was the one thing she could use above everything else to have control over me and she knew it.  she would use it to get me and then withhold to control me.  Thank God that is over!  I think if I was not an affectionate person she would have found something else to use for control.  For me that was my soft under belly and weakness.

[dobie]

Started off all the time she moved in it started to dwindle

I think she was trying she went off the pill etc but she just did not feel sexual not doing as she was always I'll , depressed , stressed or anxious

She told me one of the reason she left is I deserve a sex life ! And that when a woman's not happy that's the first thing to go !

Never stopped her masturbating though to lesbian porn my x was bi

[workinprogress]

I know that I've covered this before, but our sex life was outstanding!  That is, until we got married, built the house, then had the kids.  After that, everything dropped to nothing.

While dating and in early marriage, she gave me oral all of the time.  She would tell me how much she loved it, then, it suddenly stopped.

She would get angry if I hugged her or said anything about sex to her.

Then, I found out she was "jokingly" offering other guys oral sex and telling everyone else how much she loved doing it.  Yet, I got none at all after the house, kids... .

It was/is a very humiliating experience.

[McGahee21]

that seems like a common behavior, when a BPD person first meets you, the first 6 months she chases hard, and as soon as she knows you fell for her, thats when major distance occurs... . 

control seems like a big issue for BPD women, maybe its a subconscious way of keeping a guy wrapped around her finger because in reality she doesnt want him to leave

[Tay25]

This really depends on the person, not on the disorder. My exBPDgf knew sex was all she really had to offer so it was something we did regularly. She knew what I liked and it was a strong manipulative way to keep me on the hook and continue to have me deal with her abusive behavior. I'm sure if she was with someone very weak minded she would have withdrew it to get what she wanted.

that seems like a common behavior, when a BPD person first meets you, the first 6 months she chases hard, and as soon as she knows you fell for her, thats when major distance occurs... . 

control seems like a big issue for BPD women, maybe its a subconscious way of keeping a guy wrapped around her finger because in reality she doesn't want him to leave

I believe this is very true. I was reluctant for the first 6-8 months while she was coming on hard then she pulled out the "I care about you more than you do me" which got me to cave in. Then the abuse cycles started. Control is certainly a major issue for BPD women, my ex was constantly trying to get me to change into the exact person she wanted and would continue to use abusive tactics to get me to do so. She was able to manipulate me into believing I was a bad boyfriend and I needed to change.

I think this may just be a learned behavior they have, since they are always trying to control their emotions, they feel the need to control others as well.

[workinprogress]

[/quote]
I believe this is very true. I was reluctant for the first 6-8 months while she was coming on hard then she pulled out the "I care about you more than you do me" which got me to cave in. Then the abuse cycles started. Control is certainly a major issue for BPD women, my ex was constantly trying to get me to change into the exact person she wanted and would continue to use abusive tactics to get me to do so. She was able to manipulate me into believing I was a bad boyfriend and I needed to change.[/quote]
The exact same thing happened to me!  I was accused of not loving her and that she cared for me than I did for her!  Every time I did anything she would manipulate it into saying my actions proved that I didn't love her.  In my case she was secured our relationship by all the trappings, the kids and the home, and she went from being a hot little minx to a cold wife and doubled her body weight.

I have become so bitter over the years over this!

[Mayjar68]

My exbf who shows many BPD traits withheld sex from me for 5 years. He used to use herbal Viagra as he said he ED. I believed him and told him that sex was not the be all and end all. I loved him that much that I said not to take the herbal Viagra as I thought it could be dangerous.  As it turns out he was having lots of sex with other people and I even caught him getting a blowjob from a woman outside her house. I later caught them together and when me and my ex bu the woman told me that they had been having a affair for 18 months and when I caught them outside that despite him telling me it was a one off and he was drunk and couldn't get it up. He called her the next day. This was after telling me he was sorry and wanted to work things out. I wasted the last of my child bearing days being with this man ! As well as the humiliation and embarrassment of waiting for sex for 5 years while he was getting his. His new gf lives around the corner and I know he's is using Viagra with her. It has destroyed my confidence and self esteem.

[wavelife]

My exbf who shows many BPD traits withheld sex from me for 5 years. He used to use herbal Viagra as he said he ED. I believed him and told him that sex was not the be all and end all. I loved him that much that I said not to take the herbal Viagra as I thought it could be dangerous.  As it turns out he was having lots of sex with other people and I even caught him getting a blowjob from a woman outside her house. I later caught them together and when me and my ex bu the woman told me that they had been having a affair for 18 months and when I caught them outside that despite him telling me it was a one off and he was drunk and couldn't get it up. He called her the next day. This was after telling me he was sorry and wanted to work things out. I wasted the last of my child bearing days being with this man ! As well as the humiliation and embarrassment of waiting for sex for 5 years while he was getting his. His new gf lives around the corner and I know he's is using Viagra with her. It has destroyed my confidence and self est

Wow, Maryjar68... .unbelievable.  I find myself so angry at reading what you endured.  I can relate.  You are worth much more than (insert name calling) gave you!

Hang in there!

[Mayjar68]

Thanks wavelife

It's been a hard 3 months ( how long we've bu) I still have down days I wonder what's wrong with me why he treated me this way. I wonder if I will feel normal about r/s again. It's hard to be feeling this way while exbf and his new gf are having a nice time and I'm suffering. Part of me calls it karma as I met him this way too. We met and within 2 months he left her and was with me because I never saw her.  I didn't register how cruel it all was. Well she has the last laugh now, I have no family and friends can only take so much so I suffer alone. Like I said from my home to her home would take a minute. When the affair was going they went places near where we live. I feel trapped at times

One time just after the blowjob incident ( about 3 months after) I went to the pub to surprise him she was there but I didn't recognise her ( she had a hat and big coat on ) and they both engaged me in conversation for an hour. I find this really hard to understand. How could he let me sit there talking to her ( how could she bear to be there ?) I just feel he has been laughing at me. I feel stupid rejected embarrassed humiliated etc

[cj488]

My exBPDgf was hypersexual for the first weeks we were together - possibly the best sex I ever had. We were so madly in love we couldn't see straight.

But once we were committed, moved in together, she went into engulfment mode, distanced, and then suddenly announced, "Only I have total say over sexuality now, and you're not getting any until I say so." I reeled back, not even comprehending what had just happened. We hadn't even unpacked the moving boxes yet. When I tried to discuss things, she just avoided all rationality and finally revealed her childhood sexual abuse. When I suggested she do some counseling to work through that, she disappeared while I was at work a few days later. A text said, "It's over forever." That was it. I'm absolutely destroyed.

[Devaluedman]

Yes! My Ex withheld sex from me often, as punishment, and often masturbated beside me in bed.  

You can't make this stuff up.  

It makes me laugh how f'ed up she was.

[cj488]

Haha, yes, insane indeed. My exBPDgf later withheld, and had me masturbate beside her while she pressed her Playboy bunny model body against me. Torture to say the least. Then she said she enjoyed it. I was temporarily relieved, but it just worsened from there into her desire for BDSM as a "healing modality". What the F? Bondage, Domination, and Sado-masochism as healing? Oh, dear, I'm so lucky she left me. Never, never again.

[greenmonkey]

IMO it is all about control, to keep you hanging by a thread will you won't you.

My ex claimed she was gay, she also claimed that she had miserable all her married life as she knew she was gay. At the same time she was ashamed of who she was and would not admit to being in a gay relationship either with me or her ex. She was not happy with who she was at any time. She had two live in relationships and could not utter the words 'being gay' or 'lesbian'.

She played me along with 4 other women - did she use the same techniques as withholding sex - my guess is yes as it was the carrott for the donkey so so to speak. She would cuddle, kiss and anything else was out of bounds - there was never any make up sex, no intimacy - zero - but then she twisted it around to make it my fault that I was not a mind reader and did not have a crystal ball when it could be option.

She was more obsessed with chatting *** on her phone and the next best thing - She had all the traits - text book - but was undiagnosed - and she destroyed every little ounce of love I ever had for her