Begging For Attention?

[JayApril]

I have a few post on this site and have found it very helpful. I am still young 22, and my dad who I believe to be a Narc, and a borderline have damaged my trust as well as my BPDex. My little sister and I had a birthday that passed in April 27 & 28. And my father claimed to have forgotten our birthdays, and said he would take us out to lunch. Which did not happen, which is unusual. Sometimes he does things like this on purpose so that people have to beg him for things. He used to due all sorts of stuff ex: complain that everyone in the house watched to much tv and would bible beat us to death. And when we would tell him that it was not a big deal he would purposely not pay the cable bill for weeks to make us suffer. I also remember when he would eat up food in the house and refuse to buy more until my mother begged him for money to grocery shop. I aslo remember when my uncle came to stay with us and he would watch me sleep at night, my mom noticed one night and from then on I slept in the bed with them. My mother had to beg him to put my uncle out. And claimed that he was irratated by me sleeping with them. (I was 5). I guess just watching how disappointed my sister was brought back all of those feelings I had as a kid. And made me upset. So I refused to say anything about he failed bday and took my sissy shopping  today when I picked her up from school. In a way I have become my sisters second parent. Anywho, my dad called for mothers day and said that was saying that I should tell my step mother happy mothers day. (Never has been a mother to me, my mom had to put her in her place twice). And I told him that she needed to communicate that to me because, I refuse to read minds. He often trys to put his wife off on me, and I can not figure out why. Sometimes I think he tries to use me as an excuse to devorce his wife... .idk. But yeah needless to say I was upset on two days that ment alot to me. Bday & first Mothers day.

Thanks for reading.

[ShieldsUp12]

Hi JayApril. I just wanted to say happy belated birthday.

Not sure what to make of your father, he does sound like he has some control issues.

Anywho, my dad called for mothers day and said that was saying that I should tell my step mother happy mothers day

A few things going on: control, the need to "look good" to his wife, and a bit of triangulation.

She's an adult and you are as well. She should just talk to you herself if there are issues that she feels need to be addressed and wants a real true stepmom relationship with you.

Hugs.

[JayApril]

Hi JayApril. I just wanted to say happy belated birthday.

Not sure what to make of your father, he does sound like he has some control issues.

Anywho, my dad called for mothers day and said that was saying that I should tell my step mother happy mothers day

A few things going on: control, the need to "look good" to his wife, and a bit of triangulation.

She's an adult and you are as well. She should just talk to you herself if there are issues that she feels need to be addressed and wants a real true stepmom relationship with you.

Hugs.

And that is what I keep saying to him when he suggest "she is saying" these things. Come talk to me like an adult. But, what is triagulation?

[ShieldsUp12]

Hi JayApril.

The definition of Triangulation: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0

And that is what I keep saying to him when he suggest "she is saying" these things. Come talk to me like an adult.

I agree, this is a good boundary to stick to.

[JayApril]

Thank for the link. But, how does it help him to pit two people against eachother? Do they do it with intent?

[ShieldsUp12]

That, I can't answer. Some of the more seasoned posters on here might have more insight. I can offer some theories, but they are just that, theories.

It could be a learned behavior (triangulation was pretty big in my family, and I never realized it was a "thing" until I read up on BPD/NPD and on here), or it could be a power thing. Your father is at the center of the triangle, telling you what to do in regard to your stepmother. What he hopes to achieve as the end result, I don't know, but he seems to be exerting some sort of desire to control your actions. That might be what he wants in and of itself and the consequences aren't actually important. Those are just theories, I don't have a real idea why he would do this, but it does fit the definition of triangulation.

I have paranoia issues because of some of what my unBPDm has done, so this might sound really out there, but could it be your stepmother has no issues at all and he's just trying to make you do something to see if you will do it?

I think it is a good idea to hold to your boundary of having her speak to you directly if there is a problem.

FWIW, I have a stepdaughter. I entered her life pretty late in the game and I don't have any real motherly interactions with her due to distance (she lives with her mother). She does not wish me a happy mother's day or send a card and I have no issues at all with this. If I was still in contact with my family of origin (sometimes referred to on here as FOO), I am almost 100% certain they would use this as an issue to stir up some conflict because my family looves conflict and drama. They love to see other people get upset over created drama, and if you don't get angry, they get angry with you and try to start something that way. It's a no-win with them. I'm winning 'cause I don't play anymore. That is my family, though. Again, don't know what the situation is with your father.

[JayApril]

Sheildsup12: thank you I talked to my mother & she said that it is because, he needs to get the attention off of him. And focus it on someone else (Me). His wife and him have problems, and he cant emotionally hanle it. I think his smear campgin is over, and she is starting to see his lies are untrue. We all know BPDs dont like being questioned about the truth. So in order to save face he needs to project his anger (cause drama) between my step mom and I to either make himself look like a hero or the victim. Therefore he can be out of the hot seat. Just a theory as well. Thank you for listening.