The odds of a recycle

[sbr1050]

Are higher funtioning pwBPDs less likely to reappear sometime in the future or is it just a luck of the draw which ones will try to recycle?  Not sure if mine is a higher functioning one (altho he has had a few long term r/s and probably can pass himself off as fairly "normal" for a while).

 All your stories have me trying to heal myself so I am prepared in the event mine tries to contact me.  I don't feel mentally healthy enough for any sort of contact with him.  I am liable to take him back. I fall apart just seeing him driving around town.  Right now I feel safe (he, 62, supposedly got married to a 23 year old this past weekend).  I started seeing a therapist this week so I feel I am at least on the right path.

A couple of weeks ago, his daughter showed up to return a saw to me.  A stupid miter saw.  It was one of those things that should have been thrown away if they really didn't want it.  Instead she showed up with it at my house.  Still trying to figure out what that was all about.  :)id he send her to tell me how great things were going for him (she isn't that kind of a daughter, tho) or ?

[Infern0]

There are so many factors involved that it's almost impossible to predict.

Some things that will make a recycle more likely imo:

Longer relationship

Overall quality of the relationship being good

not too dramatic of a breakup

If those things happened then it may stand you in good stead.

In my case I'm on "recycle" 3 (I don't like the term) and a lot of people on here say that each recycle is worse but I have found that not to be the case, in fact the end of recycle 2 wasn't painful much to me and I was over it quite rapidly.  Recycle 3 is ongoing and although it's early days I'm optomistic.

If you are wanting to try things again though, there is a lot of SELF work to be done to figure out if you really want to try and work on things or if you are just scared things work out.

I see so many people on this board who are emotionally uncentered and "need" their BPD ex back. Exhibiting heavy codependency symptoms.

Those people would WRECK their own relationships if they did get their BPD back. Because codependent people are the WORST partners for borderlines

[fromheeltoheal]

All your stories have me trying to heal myself so I am prepared in the event mine tries to contact me.  I don't feel mentally healthy enough for any sort of contact with him.  I am liable to take him back. I fall apart just seeing him driving around town.  

Hey sbr-

It's great you realize that, and are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.  There's a difference between an ex contacting you and a recycle; it takes two to recycle.  When you're strong enough any kind of relationship with him will be your choice and he won't have undue influence over you, and even more, you'll be able to determine who's good for you and who isn't and enforce boundaries to keep the ones who aren't a positive addition to your life out of it.

[once removed]

i think it is impossible to predict. for every scenario i can think of, there are too many exceptions.

"All your stories have me trying to heal myself so I am prepared in the event mine tries to contact me.  I don't feel mentally healthy enough for any sort of contact with him.  I am liable to take him back."

what is it you want or dont want out of this person? do you want him to contact you? do you not? you have a choice there.

"I started seeing a therapist this week so I feel I am at least on the right path." 

[BlackHoleSun]

There are so many factors involved that it's almost impossible to predict.

Some things that will make a recycle more likely imo:

Longer relationship

Overall quality of the relationship being good

not too dramatic of a breakup

If those things happened then it may stand you in good stead.

In my case I'm on "recycle" 3 (I don't like the term) and a lot of people on here say that each recycle is worse but I have found that not to be the case, in fact the end of recycle 2 wasn't painful much to me and I was over it quite rapidly.  Recycle 3 is ongoing and although it's early days I'm optomistic.

If you are wanting to try things again though, there is a lot of SELF work to be done to figure out if you really want to try and work on things or if you are just scared things work out.

I see so many people on this board who are emotionally uncentered and "need" their BPD ex back. Exhibiting heavy codependency symptoms.

Those people would WRECK their own relationships if they did get their BPD back. Because codependent people are the WORST partners for borderlines

Alright mate! Don't want to sound like a dick but the bit above about what makes them come back is definitely not true! I know from experience. Hahaha. I'd say the rest of the stuff is pretty much bang on though! Apart from the codependent bit. BPDs LOVE codependents. They're the ones they'll keep going back to as most other people will just kick them out of their lives for good at the first sign of any funny business. In fact I'd say Codependents are a manipulative BPDs dream come true! They'll walk all over them, get exactly what they want and enjoy all the attention and sobbing when they finally drop them on their heads, knowing that they'll always be able to go back no matter what.

Seriously though i think its just down to the individual and possibly how Narcissistic they are. Co-morbid NPDs are more likely to keep returning to use you as narcissistic supply.

If you want to know if they'll come back then look to their past. Past behaviour predicts future behaviour! Did they keep their exes or people they've dated on FB? That's a pretty big giveaway as to whether they'll make contact or not. Where there any exes talked about when you were with them? Another big sign they don't let go easily. Did they recycle old friends?

[michel71]

 

I am a co-D and best possible whipping boy for my uBPDw. I admit it at least. Sounds like I am screwed!

[Infern0]

I am a co-D and best possible whipping boy for my uBPDw. I admit it at least. Sounds like I am screwed!

Nope.  Codependency is quite "curable"

[JRT]

There are so many factors involved that it's almost impossible to predict.

Some things that will make a recycle more likely imo:

Longer relationship

Overall quality of the relationship being good

not too dramatic of a breakup

If those things happened then it may stand you in good stead.

In my case I'm on "recycle" 3 (I don't like the term) and a lot of people on here say that each recycle is worse but I have found that not to be the case, in fact the end of recycle 2 wasn't painful much to me and I was over it quite rapidly.  Recycle 3 is ongoing and although it's early days I'm optomistic.

If you are wanting to try things again though, there is a lot of SELF work to be done to figure out if you really want to try and work on things or if you are just scared things work out.

I see so many people on this board who are emotionally uncentered and "need" their BPD ex back. Exhibiting heavy codependency symptoms.

Those people would WRECK their own relationships if they did get their BPD back. Because codependent people are the WORST partners for borderlines

I agree with this 100%

While I have seen several other posts here and elsewhere that corroborate. My own experience was around 6 recycles. The first was the most dramatic: the longest time away and the most drama. Over the course of my 2 year r/s, they became progressively further apart and shorter in duration. The very last one was only for a few hours. The last b/u came more than ten months later.

[myself]

Accepting that you're done = No more going backward.

[ShadowIntheNight]

There are so many factors involved that it's almost impossible to predict.

Some things that will make a recycle more likely imo:

Longer relationship

Overall quality of the relationship being good

not too dramatic of a breakup

If those things happened then it may stand you in good stead.

In my case I'm on "recycle" 3 (I don't like the term) and a lot of people on here say that each recycle is worse but I have found that not to be the case, in fact the end of recycle 2 wasn't painful much to me and I was over it quite rapidly.  Recycle 3 is ongoing and although it's early days I'm optomistic.

If you are wanting to try things again though, there is a lot of SELF work to be done to figure out if you really want to try and work on things or if you are just scared things work out.

I see so many people on this board who are emotionally uncentered and "need" their BPD ex back. Exhibiting heavy codependency symptoms.

Those people would WRECK their own relationships if they did get their BPD back. Because codependent people are the WORST partners for borderlines

I agree with this 100%

While I have seen several other posts here and elsewhere that corroborate. My own experience was around 6 recycles. The first was the most dramatic: the longest time away and the most drama. Over the course of my 2 year r/s, they became progressively further apart and shorter in duration. The very last one was only for a few hours. The last b/u came more than ten months later.

My ex and I had several little "mini" breaks lasting from a few hours to a few more hours originally. The longest one til now was about 3.5 months. That happened 4.5 years ago after we had been together 6 years.  We were together 3.5 more years. Not once during the last 3.5 years did she mention leaving, there were no push/pulls, no "running down the hallway screaming" (as I termed it to her), not one word of a mention of leaving. Until 3 years later. Then seemingly out of nowhere, it surfaced (facilitated by something her mother said, I feel sure), and she has been gone 8 months now with little more than a peep.

That last break up had happened so long ago, I had forgotten she had done that before. I didn't know what BPD was, just figured she had some issues about being gay.

Now I periodically get hang up calls, and recently have had an anonymous hit off linkedin via a LI member who found me via yahoo. Coincidently, my ex's major email acct to me was a yahoo one, so I'm pretty sure it was her.

As for speaking to me directly. Not a word. Not even that she was leaving after 10 years. So I can't tell you if past performance is an indicator of her showing up again. Flip a coin, maybe yes. Maybe no.

[SWLSR]

Sbr

the one thing i can say about a BPD. and a recycle is no normal rules apply.  They can marry have children and have left u in the worst way   and xtill one day pop out of the blue  and act like they did nothing wrong and fully expect for u to take thrm back.   .nothing aplies to them so we are sometimes forced to keep it in the back of our mind

[Beach_Babe]

Accepting that you're done = No more going backward.

Yes!