How were you able to function at work?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi folks. My personal life and the drama of my failing relationship with my BPD wife has spilled over. I am having a real hard time keeping my mind on my job. I am increasingly becoming less productive. I can't concentrate. When I am in court ( I am a lawyer) it's like I am half there. I go through the motions but just can't seem to be 100% engaged. People must be starting to notice. In the office I am just as bad. I can't seem to stay on top of work and really don't feel like it at all. I don't want to lose my job but the truth of it is I still can do the work pretty well even being this impaired. I have done it for 23 years. But I want to be at the top of my game again. And I AM SO NOT RIGHT NOW.

How did you guys and gals end up getting your groove back at work when you were going through the thick of it?

[michel71]

Hi folks. My personal life and the drama of my failing relationship with my BPD wife has spilled over. I am having a real hard time keeping my mind on my job. I am increasingly becoming less productive. I can't concentrate. When I am in court ( I am a lawyer) it's like I am half there. I go through the motions but just can't seem to be 100% engaged. People must be starting to notice. In the office I am just as bad. I can't seem to stay on top of work and really don't feel like it at all. I don't want to lose my job but the truth of it is I still can do the work pretty well even being this impaired. I have done it for 23 years. But I want to be at the top of my game again. And I AM SO NOT RIGHT NOW.

How did you guys and gals end up getting your groove back at work when you were going through the thick of it?

[gsm42]

Thanks for bringing this up michel71! I'm noticing the same thing with my work too.  I haven't been on my A game either.  I'm having a hard time focusing.  I believe I read somewhere that being with BPD is like having a virus in your computer.   It messes with some of the programs first but then before you know it it crashes your hard drive. That's how I feel. 

Tips are appreciated.

[dagwoodbowser]

I am having a real hard time keeping my mind on my job.

michel71 and gsm42: This is a tough one that I dont think anyone is immune to. I had to take a few days off the day after she did B/U and was a mess. I've never had anxiety before and try to stay away from scripts so I got an herbal mix from health food store that had Kava, Albizza Flower and Passion Flower. It took the edge off, but some ppl have reactions to herbs so not for everyone. By the 3rd week I was feeling better, but then depression started to hit hard. I eventually went to my Dr. and he put me on Effexor(SSNRI) and Klonipin(benzodiazepine). After I got over the initial spaciness (about a week) it was night and day. By like the 30th day I was back on track. Time is a factor too. I'm now past my 60th day of N/C, still on anti-depressant and rarely if ever take the benzos. I dont drink and not big on drugs, but man oh man was I mess/wreck after 2.5 yrs with my BPDx and I had to do something to get the tail and rudder back up in the air.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Michel,

I can certainly relate to having difficulty focusing at work. I take great pride in my work and enjoy when I'm performing well.  Just several weeks ago, however, I felt as though my mind was frozen in fogginess.  I came here asking for help as well.

What helped me:

1. Putting aside time to grieve.  Time to fully feel and allow the feelings to wash over me and purge them out.

2. Practicing mindfulness and wise mind.

3.  Slowing down at work.  Giving myself permission to work less hours temporarily.

4.  Leaning into the feeling... .  When a thought or emotion wanted to surface at work, I reminded myself that at 5pm, I would fully revisit that thought/emotion without neglect.  Sometimes I'd even write it down so as not to forget.

5. Reaching out to a coworker.  Not to talk about me, but to ask about them.  I find that it is easier for me to regain focus on work when I shift focus off of my internal world.

6. Better planning and organization: so when I do loose focus, I don't stay lost... .I still have something that needs to happen.  Also assigning myself deadlines for things that do not inherently have a deadline... .helps me focus.

7. Taking small breaks.  It helps me to take bits of "me time" throughout the day.  I will take a bathroom break... .play 10 mins of a game or something... .then go back to work. (I don't punch a clock... .I'm free to do this)

8. Exercise

9. Monitoring my self talk to be nurturing vs punitive. 

It is an ongoing process for me.  I struggle to focus often even without B/U issues.  I am still trying to fully grasp wise mind and continue mindfulness. 

[Invictus01]

I wasn't... .I seriously did barely anything productive in the office for about 2 months. One Monday I showed up in office drunk for all intents and purposes after self medicating myself till midnight the day before. That Monday evening, my boss' wife text'd me, told me that my boss is worried about me because my work is suffering and after a lengthy text exchange suggested that I might wanna go visit a psychiatrist... .It took me good 3 months to be back to somewhat normal level of productivity... .

[tortuga]

We "nons" get so wrapped up in managing our BPD spouses, that we forget to take care of ourselves or nurture our own identities.

Before I figured out what was going on, I lost my job (in 2002). I got another job, but I took a huge pay cut. It took about 3 years to rise back up through the ranks at the new place. But I still wasn't done being beaten down by uBPDw.  I left that job, and started a new one. 

I took advantage of an employee service called "Employee Assistance Program" - - and many employers offer this service. You'll get free referrals to therapists, lawyers, mediators, etc. depending on what is required for your particular crisis.  This service turned out to be invaluable to me. I was first referred to MC, but then went into therapy. This was the main thing that started to get me back on track to recovering somewhat, and getting my "game" back. I'm not all the way there yet. And it's taken me several years.

[gomez_addams]

My performance at work has slipped tremendously. 

I've let my bosses -- I have several, like Office Space -- know what's going on.  They've been pretty good about it.  I also let my assistant know, and he's helped pick up a bit of my slack.

My uBPDw (stbx) is out of town since February, but she's scheduled to come back in two weeks.  I'm taking next week off to handle some legal matters, get some fresh air, and sleep in when necessary.

Eat healthy if you don't.

Get enough quality sleep.  I don't turn on lights after the sun goes down.  Makes it easier to unwind at the end of the day.

Get some exercise, even if it's just going for a 30 minute walk.  There's a gas station down the road, and I walk down there to get a bottle of water, and walk back.

This too shall pass.

Gomez

[CloseToFreedom]

Have to be honest here, I wasn't able to. After 4,5 years filled with drama and countless recycles, when it was finally over, I was totally destroyed. I had lost my identity and the will to live.

I tried to keep up the work for a month or two, but after that I just couldn't do it anymore. I stayed at home, got therapy and anti-depressives. I was at home for 1,5 month. Luckily, I had a very understanding boss that gave me this time. Now I'm slowly adding more days to the week when I'm working again.

So I was def. not able to keep it up. In the end it was best to take some time off. Work is important, but my life is more important.

[gsm42]

Thanks everyone for sharing and your thoughtful replies!  Lots of tips I had never even thought about and will definitely incorporate many of these.  It's an odd comfort to know that I share this daily struggle.

[Achaya]

I haven't been able to concentrate at all, at work or at home, on anything but my recent breakup and my ex partner. I can tell you from personal experience that SSRI antidepressants can be incredibly helpful with stopping obsessive thinking. They all worked really well for me in less than a week for this symptom. Unfortunately, I am so sensitive to the side effects I can't take them. Many people can, however, and I have had friends who took SSRI's without any side effects at all. I would recommend them for at least a trial or two.

[clydegriffith]

Not very good. I had to randomly call-out many times over the course of a year due to various false arrests and other crazy stuff she did. Thankfully i work in a very laid back place and it really wasn't a big deal. I probably would have got fired had i been working at almost any other place. She was always threatening to plot it out so that i would be arrested at my job and i lived in constant fear of that. I hate that woman and the day she drops dead will be one of the happiest days of my life.

[cosmonaut]

Work was hard for me the first few weeks.  I work in a very technical field and some days it felt like I was trying to think through a cloud.  It wasn't easy.  Fortunately, my employer was understanding.  There were some days I needed to step out for a little bit since I was feeling like maybe I wouldn't be able to hold it together right then.  I'd take a little walk or something to calm down, and then go back.  My ex ruled my thoughts in those days, and my grief was overwhelming.  It's easy to underestimate just how much these relationships can affect us.

Hang in there.  I can tell you that it really does get easier.  It will just take some time.  The best things to do early on are to focus on taking good care of you.  Try to eat well, get enough sleep, get a little exercise, do some fun/enjoyable things for you.  This will help you to feel better.  Posting here helped a lot too.  Just having the support of everyone on the boards, and knowing I wasn't alone was really validating and felt really good.

[zundertowz]

I work a very physically demanding job and it was pure torture... .I had no energy, wasn't eating or sleeping but it was time consuming... .what I found very diffucult was and still do is time off... .especially weekends... .there a big trigger for me. Probably because my social life is so dull now.

[FannyB]

I suffered most during devaluation. I was like a zombie in work for 6 weeks as my mind was in a perpetual loop trying to figure out what the hell was going on.   I looked up all kinds of weird s**t on the internet trying to find a rational explanation before stumbling across BPD. After that I had no problems as I knew what my 'enemy' was. Did spend a ridiculous amount of time on line at home though reading all that I could about where my relationship was likely to be heading.   

[ScotisGone74]

Honestly I wasnt able to function at my job, all my brain could focus on was what the hell just happened and how could she do this?    I walked around like a zombie, not eating, not sleeping, crying at times but having to hide it by going to the bathroom or empty office.    Just a short time after the BU I got demoted.     I immediately just packed up my desk there at work and told them "Thanks".    I had a job two states over the next week and it was a breath of fresh air.   

[Recooperating]

I was a mess too and unfortunatly my work place wasnt very understanding. My boss saw me loose focus and used that to his advantage and tried to F me over with bonusses and pay. Which resulted in a lawsuit and extra stress... .Needless to mention I lost my job. Which gave me another headache since I had sponsored my dBPDexbf to the point that I am now in debt... .

But all negatives have positives, I decided to end my sales carreer, go back to school to do what I actually love to do... .Become a teacher.

It wont pay as much, but Ill be doing something I'd be proud of!

[dobie]

Im not and im seven months out with my job hanging by a thread

what helps is sleep (when i can) not drinking the night before the obvious stuff really and making notes so i don't forget to do things

my T said she is going to help me keep my job god knows i need it

[Hadlee]

Hang in there.  I can tell you that it really does get easier.  It will just take some time.  The best things to do early on are to focus on taking good care of you.  Try to eat well, get enough sleep, get a little exercise, do some fun/enjoyable things for you.  This will help you to feel better.  Posting here helped a lot too.  Just having the support of everyone on the boards, and knowing I wasn't alone was really validating and felt really good.

Couldn't agree more with that.  Eating well, sleep and exercise is what has helped me.  The awesome people on here have also been a Godsend as well.  I still work with my xBPD BFF, which makes things a little tricky  My work suffered a fair bit during the friendship due to all the chaos then while I was detaching and coming to terms with what on earth BPD is.  

The change for me came when I started focusing on me, my life, and taking care of my own needs.  Granted, it took me a long time to get there, but I did in the end.  

You too will get there - it just takes time