Nice step forward for SO's D14

[Panda39]

I just wanted to give a shout out to my SO's D14. She is learning to set boundaries!  I'm really proud of her 

Backstory:

D14 is the painted black daughter and her sister D18 is the golden daughter.

 

Currently D18 is VLC to NC with her uBPDmom.

D14 was hospitalized a year ago for suicide threats and has since been diagnosed with PTSD. 

D18 went away to college last Fall and uBPDmom began being even harder on D14 there was a lot of conflict between mom & D14 (mom being mean to her)

Last December D18 and D14 pretty much stopped seeing their mother

. 

D14 has decided she wants to try and have a relationship with her mom again, in a limited way.  She will spend some time with her mom if another adult (one of mom's friends... .I think there are 2 left) is present (this keeps mom mostly on the straight and narrow)... .Nice Boundary #1 

D14 decided to spend a little time with her uBPDmom for Mother's Day... .all mom did was talk about D18 (who wants nothing to do with her) and bad mouth my SO.  D14 came home hurt and disappointed (because mom was not able to focus any attention on her)

D14 and uBPDmom (and friend) made plans to go out to dinner last night.  D14 went to mom's after school and again mom started talking about D18 and their dad. This time D14 told her mother that this was their time (her's & mom's) together and she didn't want to talk about her sister and dad... .expressed/stood up for herself... .Requested Boundary #2. 

UBPDmom continued the same topics of conversation so 45 minutes into their visit she told the friend to please drive her home... .Enforced Boundary #3! 

D14's behavior the last few days shows so much progress on her part!  At 14 she is catching on to things that many adults have difficulty with.  I'm really proud of her! 

[Turkish]

That's a great story, Panda! It sounds like she is becoming quite the young woman. It sounds hopeful that she sounds so self-aware and maturing... .

[Kwamina]

Hi Panda

Thanks for sharing this! Being treated as the all-bad child isn't easy. It's clear D14 has had a though time with her mother's behavior as evidenced by her hospitalization last year. These recent boundaries she set and enforced are very encouraging I can speak from personal experience that a BPD parent can be very intimidating, especially when you're still so young. I really like that she was able to assert herself the way she did and that after her mother continued to violate her boundaries, she asked to be driven home How did her mother respond to that?

I'm really proud of her! 

I'm proud of her too!

one of mom's friends... .I think there are 2 left

[Panda39]

I really like that she was able to assert herself the way she did and that after her mother continued to violate her boundaries, she asked to be driven home How did her mother respond to that?

I don't think her mother fully understood what happened, she sounded too absorbed in her own feelings.  According to D14 even the friend couldn't believe uBPDmom kept on talking about D18 and my SO after she requested her mom stop. I think because the friend was there mom accepted D14's boundary without argument. It seems that it was all about herself and the feelings she is unable to manage. 

D14 has not seen her since, there have been some phone conversations but that's it.  It's so sad that D14 who is reaching out seems to be invisible to her mother.  Mom's focus is on D18 who wants absolutely nothing to do with her and her anger at my SO that she is unable of letting go of.

I know having a uBPDmom is hard for both girls but they both have started taking control of their relationships with her. I wasn't sure I'd ever see them stand up to her back when I met their dad almost 5 years ago.  They are growing up and figuring it out.  All I want is for them to have a relationship (or not) with their mom that they are comfortable with.