BPD Parents Auto-alienate

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After their mom moved out over a year ago, I started reading here, and I was glad to read about validation, as well as digesting the PA concept. I was mindful that I was the one who would be more prone to alienate based upon my specific situation: what happened (she went out and is now married to her affair partner), who I am, who she is,and how I dealt with it. The last three points are relevant because there are plenty of similar stories. My Ex still likes me as a person, and in a weird way, still idealizes me, even though she left.

We did enough things with the kids afterwards that I noticed her making waifish comments around the kids. They were then not quite 2 and just turned 4. For example, We were getting out of the car to investigate a pre-school for our son. I was being myself around the kids, far funnier than I am here (ok, I'm not funny at all here). Their mom made a comment, "no wonder they like you more than me." Waif="life's too hard, rescue me!"

After a year of getting used to the seperation and the OM, whom she introduced right after she moved out (because they're "going to be together forever" don't you know), the kids are finally settling down. I noticed it more with D3, who turned 3 last month.

Tonight, I had just put them to bed. S5 got up and had to go to the bathoom,.which was good because last night he peed his bed (so we put his pee monitor back on). While he was in the bathroom, I sat on the trundle and kept D3 company, as she was on the top bunk. I confess that I'm a bit of a sap, perhaps. I kissed her on top of the head and looked into her eyes, smiling widely (something my T said was good, since our children reflect back our faces/moods).

":)o you know that you're the best little girl in the world?"

She smiled and nodded.

":)o you know that you're the cutest baby ever?"

Smiled and nodded.

I said, "I love you D3," and kissed her forehead again.

Then she pointed at me and said, "I like you. I don't like Mommy." I didn't invalidate her by replying, "but she's your mom," or something similar. Instead, growing concerned, I asked, "why don't you like Mommy?" She pointed and repeated herself. So did I. Having just turned 3, it's hard to understand her all of the time,.but in a way, she disjointedly related the story when her brother got sick the weekend before last and threw up in her car, "... .and Mommy had to clean her car." By then, S5 had come back, so I helped him reattach his pee monitor, have him a hug and tucked him in.

At the barf incident, she was apologizing to S5 for yelling at him for throwing up in her car. He had already thrown up when they had gotten to church earlier, but outside the car, so he was sick, obviously.

It sounds to me like D3 processed this enough to remember it. Last year, my Ex was telling me that it was funny that even then D2 was standing up to her angry outbursts by putting her on time-outs. Early signs of emotional incest, even passively?

What concerns me is that my Ex stated a few things. She said last year,."S5 likes me more and D likes you more." And: "I know I'm going to have trouble with D later." Our son is easily triggered emotionally, and reminds me of his mom. D3 is steadfast, and calmer, though she's being defiant lately. Gone are the quiet tantrums. Now she has resorted to screaming when she doesn't like something.

That was also why her comment surprised me. Last night, she acted out at the dinner table. She was defiant of my boundary for her poor behavior. I ended up putting her in their room for a time out. She acted out again at bedtime when we were reading (starting her hitting behavior), and I put her in the spare room so S5 and I could finish reading. After two minutes of silence, she started crying from the other room. I let it go on for a few minutes, then went and got her. She was still a little upset with me when I tucked them in, but she was ok in the end. So,.it's not like I'm not firm and disciplne her. Thus, her comment tonight about her mom concerned me. It's not, "all fun all the time at dad's house, no boundaries!" I don't think I yell at them, but I do raise my voice when needed.

I like to think that their mom's doing better, but maybe I am still in denial of who she is. I know she loves the kids, but in her own way. I'm watchful and wary. It's tough right now with the kids so young, but they (at least our daughter) should communicate more as they grow. I actually felt very sad that she said that. I read the Coping and Healing Board, and can relate to adults who have parents with BPD. That a 3 year old is already processing this emotionally saddens me to no end  :'(

[Turkish]

After their mom moved out over a year ago, I started reading here, and I was glad to read about validation, as well as digesting the PA concept. I was mindful that I was the one who would be more prone to alienate based upon my specific situation: what happened (she went out and is now married to her affair partner), who I am, who she is,and how I dealt with it. The last three points are relevant because there are plenty of similar stories. My Ex still likes me as a person, and in a weird way, still idealizes me, even though she left.

We did enough things with the kids afterwards that I noticed her making waifish comments around the kids. They were then not quite 2 and just turned 4. For example, We were getting out of the car to investigate a pre-school for our son. I was being myself around the kids, far funnier than I am here (ok, I'm not funny at all here). Their mom made a comment, "no wonder they like you more than me." Waif="life's too hard, rescue me!"

After a year of getting used to the seperation and the OM, whom she introduced right after she moved out (because they're "going to be together forever" don't you know), the kids are finally settling down. I noticed it more with D3, who turned 3 last month.

Tonight, I had just put them to bed. S5 got up and had to go to the bathoom,.which was good because last night he peed his bed (so we put his pee monitor back on). While he was in the bathroom, I sat on the trundle and kept D3 company, as she was on the top bunk. I confess that I'm a bit of a sap, perhaps. I kissed her on top of the head and looked into her eyes, smiling widely (something my T said was good, since our children reflect back our faces/moods).

":)o you know that you're the best little girl in the world?"

She smiled and nodded.

":)o you know that you're the cutest baby ever?"

Smiled and nodded.

I said, "I love you D3," and kissed her forehead again.

Then she pointed at me and said, "I like you. I don't like Mommy." I didn't invalidate her by replying, "but she's your mom," or something similar. Instead, growing concerned, I asked, "why don't you like Mommy?" She pointed and repeated herself. So did I. Having just turned 3, it's hard to understand her all of the time,.but in a way, she disjointedly related the story when her brother got sick the weekend before last and threw up in her car, "... .and Mommy had to clean her car." By then, S5 had come back, so I helped him reattach his pee monitor, have him a hug and tucked him in.

At the barf incident, she was apologizing to S5 for yelling at him for throwing up in her car. He had already thrown up when they had gotten to church earlier, but outside the car, so he was sick, obviously.

It sounds to me like D3 processed this enough to remember it. Last year, my Ex was telling me that it was funny that even then D2 was standing up to her angry outbursts by putting her on time-outs. Early signs of emotional incest, even passively?

What concerns me is that my Ex stated a few things. She said last year,."S5 likes me more and D likes you more." And: "I know I'm going to have trouble with D later." Our son is easily triggered emotionally, and reminds me of his mom. D3 is steadfast, and calmer, though she's being defiant lately. Gone are the quiet tantrums. Now she has resorted to screaming when she doesn't like something.

That was also why her comment surprised me. Last night, she acted out at the dinner table. She was defiant of my boundary for her poor behavior. I ended up putting her in their room for a time out. She acted out again at bedtime when we were reading (starting her hitting behavior), and I put her in the spare room so S5 and I could finish reading. After two minutes of silence, she started crying from the other room. I let it go on for a few minutes, then went and got her. She was still a little upset with me when I tucked them in, but she was ok in the end. So,.it's not like I'm not firm and disciplne her. Thus, her comment tonight about her mom concerned me. It's not, "all fun all the time at dad's house, no boundaries!" I don't think I yell at them, but I do raise my voice when needed.

I like to think that their mom's doing better, but maybe I am still in denial of who she is. I know she loves the kids, but in her own way. I'm watchful and wary. It's tough right now with the kids so young, but they (at least our daughter) should communicate more as they grow. I actually felt very sad that she said that. I read the Coping and Healing Board, and can relate to adults who have parents with BPD. That a 3 year old is already processing this emotionally saddens me to no end  :'(