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Author Topic: Wishing she would call  (Read 469 times)
Lostafterbpd

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 6


« on: May 15, 2015, 01:39:09 AM »

Been NC for eight weeks now since my exBPD moved out. It seems the longer time goes on the harder it is for me to maintain NC. I think for her it is easy, she has just cut me off, that is that. I wish that she would call or reach out yet terrified at the same time as I would struggle not to take her back.

It's not realistic though, either that she will contact me or that it may work out. I don't really understand my attachment to her because if I did surely I'd be able to let go. This has not been a problem in the past, I've been able to move on from other relationships yet this one I feel worse now than day one. I'm stuck knowing that I cannot do anything and that she is gone. Just shatters me - I once believed that we were soul mates. Letting go has never been so hard.
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Mister Brightside
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 87


« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2015, 02:38:54 AM »

Hi LostafterBPD. I know how you feel, as do most of the people here. I too was originally left by a BPD because I wouldn't commit to a relationship to her then and there. She basically painted me black, hooked up with an ex who came back into her life, and dangled me around in case she ever needed me as a backup plan. I put up with it for a little while, but then I stopped talking to her. 51 days into no contact she contacted me (it was clear to me that she and her ex became exes once again--surprise, surprise).

I turned down her friendship, something I probably wouldn't have done weeks earlier. It hurt to do so, because she has so many needs, but they are needs I will never be able to repair (since she doesn't even realize she's the broken one). I have plenty of needs too, and there's no way she could fulfill them because her needs dominate her thoughts.

I'm not trying to write my biography here. I'm just saying that the only good that comes out of them trying to reconnect with you is the chance for you to show them the door. It proves to them and yourself that you have developed boundaries. It gives you some self respect that you may not have felt after the BPD left. For your sake, if she contacts you again, I hope you take the same route (or ignore her altogether if she contacts you--depends on what you feel you can handle, and what would help you more).
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runningup
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 87


« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2015, 07:37:21 AM »

Hey mate, sorry your going through this, its been 9 weeks for me, and mine has well and truely moved on, but I still think about her constantly, cannot get my head around not talking to her or touching her, despite I know its never going to happen again, and even if it did I would be just as stupid as you to take her up on it. We are both in a more stable place now, yes we miss the emotions that mirroring give us, and I might sound like I have it all sussed and Im good, but Im not, Im telling you what I am to as much convince myself.

I even went and slept with someone tonight to try and make that disconnection from her, guess what it it, I thought about her the whole time, I pictured it as her, and I havnt stopped thinking about her since I have got home. I thought I was in a position where I could make that step to own myself, but turns out its harder than it looks.

A XBPD that mirrored you is the hardest thing to EVER get over, but its the most sane thing in the long run, as much as it hurts, and as much as I feel like crying writing this.

I miss my XBPD so much, and I would cut a finger off to have her back in my life, and a guarantee that I would have a long and healthy life, and she would be by my side when I died, but lets face facts, ITS NOT POSSIBLE and thas heartbreaking in anyones book!
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Lostafterbpd

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2015, 10:49:11 PM »

Hi LostafterBPD. I know how you feel, as do most of the people here. I too was originally left by a BPD because I wouldn't commit to a relationship to her then and there. She basically painted me black, hooked up with an ex who came back into her life, and dangled me around in case she ever needed me as a backup plan. I put up with it for a little while, but then I stopped talking to her. 51 days into no contact she contacted me (it was clear to me that she and her ex became exes once again--surprise, surprise).

I turned down her friendship, something I probably wouldn't have done weeks earlier. It hurt to do so, because she has so many needs, but they are needs I will never be able to repair (since she doesn't even realize she's the broken one). I have plenty of needs too, and there's no way she could fulfill them because her needs dominate her thoughts.

I'm not trying to write my biography here. I'm just saying that the only good that comes out of them trying to reconnect with you is the chance for you to show them the door. It proves to them and yourself that you have developed boundaries. It gives you some self respect that you may not have felt after the BPD left. For your sake, if she contacts you again, I hope you take the same route (or ignore her altogether if she contacts you--depends on what you feel you can handle, and what would help you more).

My ex was the opposite, saying she never felt deserving of getting married at any point in her life (except when we became engaged), saying she finally felt deserving and happy. Amazing how it can all turn 180 in two months.

I got the I hope we can stay friends speech and set a firm boundary on the spot saying that I did not agree, in retrospect the only firm boundary I ever set with her. The words just came out from me with no filter, raw honesty regardless of her reaction, something I need to learn to be more consistent with in the future I think. She had unilaterally changed the terms of our arrangement and I could see that she was only interested in keeping me for sex (something that is a very common thread on here with partners with BPD being extremely amorous).

She did test this boundary twice but I did not hit the ball back over the net to her. Once she knew this she just cut off 100%, other than the passive aggressive torture technique she is using with slowly returning mine and my sons belongings a box at a time. She just seems intent on still trying to hurt me as much as possible now that it cannot happen physically and emotionally in person anymore.

Pardon the pun, though I think it is how she is either black or white about me that hurts the most, that there is and never was no middle ground. Knowing that she objectified me and has most likely just replaced me with another object to avoid dealing with her feelings and her behaviour is hard to accept for me. Being cut off like this though is probably a good thing, I have plenty of time for self reflection on how and why I let this happen.

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