Protecting children from BPD ex wife's lies about me

[Davef]

I finally issued legal separation proceedings today against my BPD exwife. I have four daughters with the oldest being 12. I know from talking to the older ones that my ex is always saying horrible things about me and my family. Does anyway have advice how I can counter act what she does in a nice and gentle way so the girls know what their mother says is not true? I know she is going to explode and get worse when she gets the official letter next week. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[scraps66]

Get a copy of Divorce Poison and Don't Alienate the Kids by Bill Eddy.  Read them and immediately start practicing the techniques within.  If not already, start a journal recording any of the suspicious things you hear and any of the odd behaviors you see in your girls or mother.

Distance yourself from mother's craziness and work on your daughters to validate what they are feeling and going through.  Talk openly. 

[enlighten me]

With my boys I never say anything in front of them about their mum. I keep my promises to them. I never tell them I will do things then dont. Never put them in a position of choosing. My ex wife used to get them to keep secrets which tore them up as they were afraid to say anything. If you dont want her to know something then dont let your kids know.

Actions speak louder than words. By being a constant in their life they will see her behaviour as inappropriate. My boys say things about their mum now.

[sanemom]

I second the book recommendations and would add "Coparenting with a Toxic Ex" which also gives techniques to counter such PA.  The key is to be gentle.  Some kids catch on earlier than others.

[ASD]

Fear of this happening is what is keeping me from moving toward separation and divorce.  I don't think I could handle the torture she'd put the kids through. 

[scraps66]

ASD, this is a choice that many face.  I did. Whether to stay, and let my boys see their mother continue to abuse, or, take the chance of splitting, enduring some damage and the kids being damage collaterally, and take the chance that living apart is better, for them.  It's not great after, but it is better for them in the long-term.  If they would have continued to witness the abuse they would have definitely both been adversely and severely affected for a lifetime.

The one that has "lost" is me and I knew that going in.  I knew there was a good chance I would be sacrificing my relationship with both boys.  Ex has used pretty much all the tools of alienation, treats new bf like the Dad.  That is perhaps the most hurtful thing.  The thing that slows or stalls the PAS is simply being physically in contact with them and limiting the exposure time on the other side as much as possible. 

[JayApril]

This what I fear will happen when my son gets older. If his father decides to be in his life.

[enlighten me]

I went through a whole spectrum of parental alienation. My ex wife even tried talking my boys into changing their name when she re married. Rather than put pressure on them I told them it was their choice and a name isnt important and that I would still love them no matter what their name was. In the end they both decided not to.

By being the one not putting pressure on them theyve seen me as the stable reliable parent.

[Panda39]

My SO chose to leave... .quite honestly he felt that he had to leave for his own emotional survival... .if he became completely lost in the FOG he would have been incapable of helping his daughters in the marriage or out.

Parental Alienation can happen inside a marriage not just with separated parents.  I think some alienation was already going on with my SO along with being emasculated by his wife during their marriage.

He left and the ex went into what I think was a 2 year extinction burst.  Part of which was a full blown parental alienation campaign that initially worked... .the girls didn't want to see their dad, the girls searched his house and reported back to their mother, the girls read and reported his text messages, the older daughter "borrowed" her dad's computer and took it to mom's so they could try and hack into it (my SO had to call the police to get it back), my SO threw a phone into the couch (guess who was on the other end) then was accused of throwing it at the girls and that morphed into he wouldn't let them call their mother, which morphed into he would not let them leave, which finally became charges of child abuse.  My SO went to court and guess who didn't even show up? The oh so concerned uBPDstbx didn't even show up at court (she was out getting a manicure w/ younger daughter ) anyway the allegations of abuse were unfounded.  We have since found out that the uBPDxw was also telling the girls that their dad had an affair with me and left her for me. We met several months after they separated and he moved out.

So yes during the separation leading up to the divorce things were about as bad as they could get. During this time uBPDmom was neglectful (filthy home/kept older daughter out of school for a year/failed to get dental work for younger daughter, was evicted... .) or tried to be ":)isneyland mom" and do everything the girls wanted to do... .couldn't afford rent but hey let me buy you tons of costume jewelry and clothes you don't need 

Eventually the girls started seeing their dad more often. (I think seeing your kids is the key to counteracting alienation) Once the divorce was final and the dust settled, my SO ended up with slightly over 50% custody, education decision making, medical and dental decision making.  The more time they spent together and the more they talked things out... .older daughter - an angry outburst at her dad for leaving... .younger daughter - major attention seeking and some acting out.  All three of them were in therapy (and guess who wasn't?). 

It has taken some time to heal the relationship between the girls and their dad but it has happened and continues to grow.

Once their parents divorced the girls were able to see their parents separately.  Mom evicted 3 times, couch surfing, now living in hotels, not working, not driving, (imaginary) health issues, false promises, court charges... .always the victim.  Dad stable job, stable home, drives, is active/does things with his girls, truthful... .always the parent.  The girls now get it... .who the real parent is, who thinks about them, who cares about them, who is truthful with them... .Dad. 

I know both girls love their mom but they also know they can't "fix" her.  At this point D18 is VLC with mom for very good reason (has seen her twice in the last 6mos) and D14 is low contact and setting boundaries to see her mom on her own terms.

The girls controlling their mother (BOUNDARIES) instead of their mother controlling them is making things much better for my SO and girls.  Mom can no longer use the girls as weapons against dad because they won't give her the power to do so.  Are things perfect no there is still damage to undo but things are very improved.

So our experience was that during the separation things were at their worst and once the divorce was final things began to improve.

Just love your kids no matter what, always push to see your kids no matter how hard the ex makes it, validate your kids feelings, stand up for your kids, get therapy for your kids if they need it... .just be Dad 

[Davef]

Thanks folks for all youre advice. I have my girls with me and I feel complete. As you all said I have to continue providing a stable and calm and loving environment for them. I will have to wait and see what my BPD ex does in the coming weeks.

[enlighten me]

If your ex follows the pattern mine did then be prepared for things to get odd. The more stable I was and the happier my boys were then the more she played up and started creating dramas. I just rode them out and stayed calm. This behaviour calmed down and also made my boys see their mums behaviour as odd and unfair. If her plan was to drive a wedge between me and my sons it backfired.

[livednlearned]

Thanks folks for all youre advice. I have my girls with me and I feel complete. As you all said I have to continue providing a stable and calm and loving environment for them. I will have to wait and see what my BPD ex does in the coming weeks.

Yes, continue doing what you're doing. But make sure you get the books, too! All of the ones recommended are mainstays here: Don't Alienate the Kids, Divorce Poison, and recently Coparenting with a Toxic Ex. There are some techniques to counteract what your ex will do (as part of her disorder), and those techniques are not always intuitive. For example, you don't want to put your kids in the middle (no healthy parent does), but when a disordered parent does this, there are some important techniques you need to know in order to help your kids recognize their own authentic reality, which helps them individuate from the distorted and erratic reality that your wife tries to project on them.

We also have a Lesson to the right in the sidebar on parental alienation. At this point, it sounds mild, and often happens when one or the other parent begins to end the marriage. Parental alienation is not just something that happens after divorce, often it begins before the relationship is over.

There is a really good explanation of alienation by Dr. Craig Childress. He writes,

For the narcissistic-borderline personality, any outside effort to hold them within restrictions or limitations, even those   imposed by truth and   reality, will   be experienced as being “abusive” because it is undermining   their   ability to keep their   immense pain and anxiety   in check (i.e., “the world is   as I assert   it to be”),   and will cause them to explode into a rage of   chaotic accusations and self-expression in order to disorganize the   dialogue and so   lift the limitations and   restrictions    being   imposed on them.

So you become the "abuser." And then because people with BPD are so emotionally crippled in processing grief and sadness, they cannot help the kids process grief and sadness at the divorce either. Instead, the BPD parent begins to project onto them the same bitterness and vengeful thinking toward you, and they are led to believe that this is how they are expected to cope with the distress and loss they feel.

That's why you have to read about validation -- this is critically important -- and learn to help the kids validate what is real for them. Otherwise they think BPD mom (who should be their protector) has a clue about reality. When in fact she is making up reality as a defense mechanism to perceived threats, and expecting the kids to believe that reality, including the fantasy that you are abusive.

Here's a whole section on validation:

TOOLS: The Power of Validating How Kids Feels

Validation is important for raising emotionally resilient kids, not only to help them heal from the stresses of divorce and having a mentally ill parent, but to help them gain confidence in their own abilities to solve problems. The simplest way to describe validation is that feelings and emotions can never be wrong. Validation is arguably the most important skill to learn as a parent, and it has far-reaching impacts for your child's emotional health. Because BPD parents often have very high needs for validation themselves, and very low capacity to validate others, your child will likely have above-average needs for validation from you.

Read more: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272638.msg12585648#msg12585648

[Davef]

Thanks for all your help folks. BPD ex wife got the solicitors letter today and she was none to please.