Were you financially taken advantage of by your BPD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am interested in your stories my friends.

Since I met my uBPDw I have been picking up the financial slack. First partially, now totally. In the beginning it was more out of my rescuer nature. She was down on her luck. Played the waif, victim all the time. I helped at bit. Then it was more and more. Right before we got married I came into some inheritance. A nice little amount. Not millions though. Through my own ignorance or love blindedness or sense of obligation because I was marrying this woman, my financial contribution became greater. There was an immigration process. My eBPDw is from the UK. She eventually got her visa and moved to the US to be with me. She has been here one year, has worked one day and I haven't seen a penny. Now I knew that for awhile it would take some time for her to get on her feet. And she always said that she would start working asap so that we could build up the inheritance that dwindled to next to nothing. That has not happened. When I set financial boundaries, she resists them completely, even having told me that I am not a good provider. She refuses to see the true financial picture even though she can go online and see how the account as dwindled and even though she knows EXACTLY how much was spent to keep her afloat and happy while in the UK. I have recently told her that I no longer will pay for her kids trips back and forth to the UK, her gas and various other things because she can well get a job and just wont hustle to do it. She had one job, paid only $12 per hour, but quit it before she started as it was "beneath her". Meanwhile debt is piling up and I am drowning. She was a nurse in the UK. Needs to take about two classes to sit for her licensing here and will be starting her classes next month. Goes to school 3 times per week max. She is offered employment as a student nurse at a rate of about $15 per hour. I did the math for her and tried to get her to see that even if she brought home $1000 per month (totally realistic) she could then "contribute" to flights, her gas, getting her hair done, etc. Her answer was that she doesn't know how much work she will have and that any money that she makes she needs for herself. I told her that I am going broke. She then said that maybe she would just go back to the UK then.

Her original plan was to complete these two courses, get her RN license and start making the big money ( which she can and would make). We would live together for financial reasons until she was on her feet. Me being totally decent. I would never push her out on the street. We live in MY HOUSE ( separate property acquired before marriage).

I will never get any of my money replenished as promised I just know that. I was stupid I guess to have trusted her but I thought that as my wife and because she said we are a "team" so many times, I believed it. I feel so financially betrayed. And my inheritance gone and I am sure dead mother isn't happy about that either.

My uBPDw's callous disregard for my financial welfare continues to cut me to the core.

[michel71]

I am interested in your stories my friends.

Since I met my uBPDw I have been picking up the financial slack. First partially, now totally. In the beginning it was more out of my rescuer nature. She was down on her luck. Played the waif, victim all the time. I helped at bit. Then it was more and more. Right before we got married I came into some inheritance. A nice little amount. Not millions though. Through my own ignorance or love blindedness or sense of obligation because I was marrying this woman, my financial contribution became greater. There was an immigration process. My eBPDw is from the UK. She eventually got her visa and moved to the US to be with me. She has been here one year, has worked one day and I haven't seen a penny. Now I knew that for awhile it would take some time for her to get on her feet. And she always said that she would start working asap so that we could build up the inheritance that dwindled to next to nothing. That has not happened. When I set financial boundaries, she resists them completely, even having told me that I am not a good provider. She refuses to see the true financial picture even though she can go online and see how the account as dwindled and even though she knows EXACTLY how much was spent to keep her afloat and happy while in the UK. I have recently told her that I no longer will pay for her kids trips back and forth to the UK, her gas and various other things because she can well get a job and just wont hustle to do it. She had one job, paid only $12 per hour, but quit it before she started as it was "beneath her". Meanwhile debt is piling up and I am drowning. She was a nurse in the UK. Needs to take about two classes to sit for her licensing here and will be starting her classes next month. Goes to school 3 times per week max. She is offered employment as a student nurse at a rate of about $15 per hour. I did the math for her and tried to get her to see that even if she brought home $1000 per month (totally realistic) she could then "contribute" to flights, her gas, getting her hair done, etc. Her answer was that she doesn't know how much work she will have and that any money that she makes she needs for herself. I told her that I am going broke. She then said that maybe she would just go back to the UK then.

Her original plan was to complete these two courses, get her RN license and start making the big money ( which she can and would make). We would live together for financial reasons until she was on her feet. Me being totally decent. I would never push her out on the street. We live in MY HOUSE ( separate property acquired before marriage).

I will never get any of my money replenished as promised I just know that. I was stupid I guess to have trusted her but I thought that as my wife and because she said we are a "team" so many times, I believed it. I feel so financially betrayed. And my inheritance gone and I am sure dead mother isn't happy about that either.

My uBPDw's callous disregard for my financial welfare continues to cut me to the core.

[ShadowIntheNight]

It seems by and large many BPD folk have financial difficulties. Mine is a therapist. Brought home a good chunk of money annually. If she was paying late fees on bills one month, she was doing it every month. I have no idea how she could be so fiscally irresponsible. I tried to help her budget her money. To no avail.

Every trip, every meal on that trip, every major purchase, I took care of except her car. She still had problems. And it started early in our relationship. I don't understand it. I don't understand why I let her get away with it.

So yeah, you're not alone.

[Red Devil]

What Is It with BPD Women and money ? With my ex I stupidly got out a Mobile Phone Contract out for her In my name as I suspected she wanted me to do this as her credit history wasn't the best. At the time I was still having Sex with her so I closed my eyes and brain to what was starring me In the face. Told me about all these good jobs she had before she met me but never worked In all the time I knew her. Rented a lovely apartment but Landlord threw her out after a few monthes as she was always late paying. Her ex texting her saying how she used him for money to get a bond on the place but still I closed my eyes to It. After I got her mobile phone contract the cold stuff began and we finished soon after and she became horrible. I kept getting letters about late payments, even though she had the phone, I got the flak. I threatened to pay off the contract and she threatened me. I told her any bloke sent round would get bashed up so she knew I wouldn't be physically Intimadated so she would pay a couple of monthes then a letter agai about no payments, be saying last warning, she paid, late payment letter again, so I changed the password on the account and was just about to pay the contract off tehn she finally agreed to change of ownership. She's met someone else over a year ago yet periodically tex me , saying she missed me, she loved me, can she move in with me etc etc. When I said No she moved across the country to be with her Boyfriend. Unbelievable. Probably to use him and screw him for money. I wish I kept the texes to expose her as he does seem a nice guy. But yes, they are nightmares with money

[ShadowIntheNight]

 In all fairness, it's not just the women. There are plenty of women on these boards whose exbf's couldn't even hold a job. But there does seem to be something to BPD and rotten finances in general. Not always the case, but most of the time.

If I harbored a guess, it might have been due to the childhood trauma and a parent making bad financial decisions. My uBPDexgf's mother has good enough money, but she spends like she's a Rockefeller!

[dobie]

Mine is the opposite is extremely paranoid about money earns six figures and acts like she is broke

This is due to her insecurity of having to fend for herself being alone betrayed etc plus her dad was and is a total ass@@@e ran his businesses into the ground spent all his money on him and not the kids / wife then when her mother left he stole her share of the house total ass clown while they were broke  living  in a woman's refuge

[ShadowIntheNight]

Mine is the opposite is extremely paranoid about money earns six figures and acts like she is broke

This is due to her insecurity of having to fend for herself being alone betrayed etc plus her dad was and is a total ass@@@e ran his businesses into the ground spent all his money on him and not the kids / wife then when her mother left he stole her share of the house total ass clown while they were broke  living  in a woman's refuge

Well, I guess that goes to my theory about their FOO and issues garnered during that period of their life... .

[Recooperating]

Indeed not only women! I paid for pretty much everything... .His rent, food, all kinds of stuff. Loaned him money for legal issues (never got it back). I paid for diner, trips etc. He couldn't hold a job or an Appartment. End result... .Im in debt... .He's feeding of the replacement.

But i prefer not to call it "taken advantage off" I helped him willingly (and was very naive). It was my choice to spend the money as I thought we were in it together and what was mine was his. Do I regret it? Yes, but I would still help a loved one out if they were in need. Problem with my ex was, he was ALWAYS in need. I should have drawn the line sooner... .My bad... .

And to be quite honest... .It was also a codep thing. I loved taking care of him. It would validate me, he would apreciate it and thank me for it. I felt good helping him. It was my part in the dysfunctional dance we did... .

[dobie]

Mine is the opposite is extremely paranoid about money earns six figures and acts like she is broke

This is due to her insecurity of having to fend for herself being alone betrayed etc plus her dad was and is a total ass@@@e ran his businesses into the ground spent all his money on him and not the kids / wife then when her mother left he stole her share of the house total ass clown while they were broke  living  in a woman's refuge

Well, I guess that goes to my theory about their FOO and issues garnered during that period of their life... .

Indeed I'm the exact opposite what's mine if "yours" I don't give a stuff about money so happy to spend share etc

Trouble was she earnt so much more than me I could not keep up

[Red Devil]

Seems theres 2 types of Borderlines. Ones that can't hold down a Job (My Ex) who spend beyond their means with money they don't have and get in a mess, and the ones who earn well and spend way beyond their means. The common denominator Is a sense of entitlement they have.

[ADecadeLost]

I wasn't necessarily taken advantage of financially, but can say that since my dBPD ex-wife left I've magically had roughly an extra $1500/month to toss into savings.  Rent, utilities, insurance, and other monthly bills have roughly stayed the same, yet suddenly it no longer feels like I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

And like many of the others, she failed to hold down a job even with multiple degrees and more quality opportunities than a person deserves.  Her longest term employment was working in an entry level position (paid $12/hr) for me.  She held that off and on for four years.

[michel71]

Maybe the way Recoop puts it is the way I should look at it. Maybe that would bring me some sort of comfort and ultimately closure. Yet, I really do feel ripped off. She saw "our" dwindling money and didn't give a damn. IT was all about her and what she and her kids needed. And it still is. She has no regard for "my" money. She flips these terms back and forth and uses them to her advantage. No matter what it is not her fault ever and yes, the sense of entitlement has been there from the beginning. She does not care how much I have to sacrifice and suffer for it. Plus she has had a pattern of not even trying to meet me halfway. Any suggestion that she contribute even a pittance is met with such hostility and accusations that I am a terrible provider, etc.

I just feel so worked over. So tired. So sad.

[Aussie0zborn]

So Michel, you are still with this woman?

The signs of abuse are evident when she says she might just go back to the UK if you stop paying for things. Her children should be paying their own airfares. Her occupation of nurse is the number one occupation for people with BPD. I like how she says that if she gets a job, any money she makes she needs for herself. You have endorsed her sense of entitlement to a horrible extent.

I trust you have ended this relationship and protected yourself from not losing the house. If not, cut your losses and get rid of her - this is not a marriage and never was. It doesn't get better once you fall victims and allow them to abuse you. They do 't care one iota about you. When it's all over, they will seek to destroy and never give you closure - just further abuse in their attempt to break you. Any abuse cuts to the core. Good luck in your recovery.

[gomez_addams]

I married my uBPDw shortly after moving to this state to take the highest paid position I've ever had in my life.  Since married, I've made more money, but saved less.  Never put my foot down.

I don't want to chase the rabbit down the hole of trying to figure out what she is and has been thinking, but I believe it's some sort of fear of working/being independent.  She wants a huge alimony payment that will make her secure for 2-3 years.  She has stated she wants to travel overseas for a bit before getting a job.

I will admit that she has done a great job of keeping our small apartment sparkling clean.  I'm a clutter.  But that's her contribution to the household.  And while she is amazing at scoring $100 worth of groceries for $85, she's horrible at any type of long-term savings.  Last year we withdrew more money from savings than we put in.  Most of our marriage property is from increases in the stock market for the investments I made over the decade before we met.  I get to split that with her.  It would drive me nuts if I let it.

I was feeling worked over, just like you.  One thing that helped me, now that the marriage is ending, is to see it as a "tax" on the lesson learned, and to focus on what I can do to fix it.  What would I pay for a fresh start?

I'm looking for areas to tighten my belt.  I have specific financial questions for the lawyer (once I file, can I have a separate savings account that won't be counted as joint by the judge?).  I can see if I can stay a few more months on the contract, and live on a fraction of the paycheck.  I might have to put off going to school for a bit.  So be it.

I'm going to spend more money on this divorce/settlement than I've ever paid towards anything in my life.  And she's going to earn from this settlement 2x her highest annual salary.  But I'll focus on recovering emotionally and financially.  I have a dollar amount I need in two of the accounts (future down payment and emergency savings), plus a goal of zero debt (I have very little debt myself).  Once I hit those numbers, the rest of my life will play out. 

The numbers needed for those aren't outrageously high... .if I were single, I could hit them by February and still live a moderately fun lifestyle.  And that's what kills me (if I let it)... .we'd be wealthy if we worked as a team, but it's tough to negotiate and compromise with a pwBPD.  I'm not going to blame her -- I was unaware, didn't have the skills, and burned myself out trying to gain the skills over the past year.  I'm just glad this is a two-year marriage, and not a twenty-year marriage with kids, a house with a mix of debt/equity, and all the things that make divorces truly scary.

For us -- two years married, no kids, no real estate.  Split the post marriage assets 50/50, and kick her a small amount of help for a very short amount of time.  Then recover from it.  And live well.

Gomez

[michel71]

Thanks Aussie. We are in the process. Papers have not been filed yet but it is only a matter of time. I am trying to be fair and decent to her. Once our divorce is final in about a year all her health benefits end she might still be trying to pass the exam to be licensed. So I was thinking to push the filing out a bit. She has an 11 year old daughter that lives with us and a 16 yr old son that lives with her ex husband.

She says she wants no alimony if she is on her feet and working. That is the operative phrase... ."on her feet and working". That is purely subjective to her... .doesn't it sound like it? There is a benefit to me as well to be quite frank. If she just started a high paying job, then if she changes her mind on alimony ( and why shouldn't she, she has never exhibited putting me first at all), then the alimony I have to pay her is greatly reduced.

You are right. My behaviors have enabled her. She played upon my own issues of co-dependency and being a rescuer. Yeah I got something out of it too. Feeling needed and wanted. Like I saved the day. But she took horrible advantage of me and always put herself and her kids needs before mine. You are right though, I let it go on way too long. But she is my wife and I loved her and still love her deeply. I am still coming to terms with her BPD.

Some days, I totally key into understanding it, reading the lessons, etc. and have clarity and some days like today I just want to wallow in sorrow.

Aussie. Can you tell me where you found out that nurses are the number one profession for BPD? I am so interested to learn more about that. Can you tell me why it is so? Maybe because they can feel like they give without their patients being triggers?

Thank you all by the way for your continued great responses!

[michel71]

Gomez... .same here. 2 years married. Nothing joint. Except a timeshare which she can gladly have. She spent all our savings down to nothing. Lawyer said I am looking at half the time of marriage to pay alimony so about a year. I have no idea the amount. And we built up debt. I might have to get an extra job or borrow against my 401k or take a hit and cash out my IRA. It's scary. But yes, whatever it takes to buy my freedom at this point because this marriage will never get any better.

[gomez_addams]

I am trying to be fair and decent to her.

Remember to be fair and decent to yourself.  Get a ballpark estimate of what a judge would award her.  That's fair.

I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't provide more... .just do some serious reflection on why you're doing it.  If it's Fear, Obligation, and Guilt -- then perhaps it's best to reconsider.

I was ready for a few days to destroy myself financially to help her not have to work for a few years.  If I'm going to pay that amount then let the judge make the decision.  I'll offer something that is slightly more than the judge will likely award -- basically giving her the lawyers fees for a protracted case.  If that's not good enough, then I'm not going to fight.  I'll let the lawyer fight, stay detached and work on being healthy with my therapist, and follow the court's instructions.  If that's a high amount, so be it.  If it's a low amount, so be it as well.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

Gomez... .same here. 2 years married. Nothing joint. Except a timeshare which she can gladly have. She spent all our savings down to nothing. Lawyer said I am looking at half the time of marriage to pay alimony so about a year. I have no idea the amount. And we built up debt. I might have to get an extra job or borrow against my 401k or take a hit and cash out my IRA. It's scary. But yes, whatever it takes to buy my freedom at this point because this marriage will never get any better.

Get a financial planner.  Have someone help you navigate this.

Even if you have to pay alimony for a year or so, it's a year.  Then it ends.  Then you start rebuilding.

Don't get the new job until after the divorce.  Don't let her know you're considering it.  The judge will award alimony based on her needs and your ability.  Don't increase your ability to pay alimony.  Once the dust settles, feel free to get a second job for you.  Or to scale down your lifestyle to achieve your future dreams and goals.

Gomez

[ShadowIntheNight]

And my uBPDexgf, who was seemingly never concerned about our finances (just hers) in the only thing that gives me a clue as to why she left, made the comment when she was pretty much dressed down in a custody battle with her ex made the statement to me "if I have to find a man to ;?( to keep my kids in private school, then that's what I'm going to do."

I have plenty of money, so why she was triggered so hard is beyond me. So in essence, whomever the guy (I assume) she is with now, she is there for money and she's willing to have sex with him as a means to get said money. See, there's such a thing as legal prostitution if you phrase it correctly. I wonder if the sap she's with has figured out yet he may be being used... .

[Trog]

in our household I paid all the living costs, mortgage, council tax, water, gas, electric and she spent on herself and 'things' for the house. This was clever. It meant when we split everything was hers, as she did buy everything physical. And everything I paid for could not be reclaimed as they were living expenses. Just cos they're emotionally unintelligent don't assume the same goes for finances!