Facebook Peeper?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am not in a custody battle but I am just documenting everything I can to prove XBPD is unfit, unstable mentally and unsafe for my LO to be around unsupervised. He is the type to try and control me, or to hurt me by using our son. I want to have an  arsenal ready if he ever decides to go to court. I saved binders full of texts, emails, and more recently alot of Facebook documentation with (Suicide ideations, Anger Management, proof he has more than one job, lied about where he lived, drug use) Alot. I created an alias account to document his post as well. Is this bad? I think of myself as a great mom, who does anything to keep her LO safe. Is it bad that I am being sneeky? I feel terrible that I am doing that but, I just want to be ready. I know Bpds can lie their way out of things.

[JayApril]

I am not in a custody battle but I am just documenting everything I can to prove XBPD is unfit, unstable mentally and unsafe for my LO to be around unsupervised. He is the type to try and control me, or to hurt me by using our son. I want to have an  arsenal ready if he ever decides to go to court. I saved binders full of texts, emails, and more recently alot of Facebook documentation with (Suicide ideations, Anger Management, proof he has more than one job, lied about where he lived, drug use) Alot. I created an alias account to document his post as well. Is this bad? I think of myself as a great mom, who does anything to keep her LO safe. Is it bad that I am being sneeky? I feel terrible that I am doing that but, I just want to be ready. I know Bpds can lie their way out of things.

[ForeverDad]

I doubt that's an issue, that would be fairly low level to trigger the court to see it as 'actionable'.  A bigger worry maybe ought to be whether the court will look at it or care.  Surely the ex could lurk and do this with probable impunity, yet notice how we feel so exposed if we did it.  (Be thankful for our normalcy.)  Of course, sometimes it feels like the court holds the more responsible parent to a higher standard than the misbehaving ex.

It often feels like... .The person behaving poorly gets few consequences and the person behaving well gets no consequences.

If you feel it wouldn't have credibility, perhaps you could have someone very trusted that the ex doesn't or wouldn't know (in case the person would have to 'friend' to see the pages or testify) to make separate copies.?

[JayApril]

I doubt that's an issue, that would be fairly low level to trigger the court to see it as 'actionable'.  A bigger worry maybe ought to be whether the court will look at it or care.  Surely the ex could lurk and do this with probable impunity, yet notice how we feel so exposed if we did it.  (Be thankful for our normalcy.)  Of course, sometimes it feels like the court holds the more responsible parent to a higher standard than the misbehaving ex.

It often feels like... .The person behaving poorly gets few consequences and the person behaving well gets no consequences.

If you feel it wouldn't have credibility, perhaps you could have someone very trusted that the ex doesn't or wouldn't know (in case the person would have to 'friend' to see the pages or testify) to make separate copies.?

I never thought of that, my aunt is a "friend" on his page I could use her to testify if I needed to. I do feel like there is a court bias. I just do not want my son to be abused before they take action if that makes sense.

[ForeverDad]

I made a minor mistake on my truism this morning, this makes much more sense.

It often feels like... .The person behaving poorly gets few if any consequences and the person behaving well gets little or no credit.

As for his behaviors being actionable, be aware that court will not attempt to improve either parent.  Yes, if there is aggression, the court might order Anger Management classes if it sees a real problem - as severe as our cases are, very few of our ex-spouses ever had to do that -  but completion is just attending so far as I know, not a high hurdle to accomplish.  So, knowing that court will not try to fix the other spouse beyond maybe a little lecture, your goal is to get the most appropriate order with you as the more stable parent in charge of the decisions and parenting, at least as much as possible.

Another aspect I've noticed is that court doesn't seem to accumulate the bad behaviors.  Each one is probably considered separately and so instead of 20 little issues making one big impact, it may be handled piecemeal and most of it is thereafter ignored as not that actionable. :'(  Of course it may conclude there is a pattern but that takes time and that's a bit iffy in the early stages of a divorce.  Often it takes an in-depth Custody Evaluation for the evaluator to echo it to the court.

However, don't be discouraged.  Your goal at this point is to get the best initial or temporary order that you can get, don't just sit quietly for the 'standard' order.  This is not the typical case with bickering parents that will calm down and work together once the raw emotions fade.  I recall my lawyer turning and telling me - he expected all of his clients to put their feet in their mouths if they spoke - "Stay quiet, we'll fix it later."  Well, there were multiple opportunities in court to 'fix' it during the 23.5 month temp order, once even before the main judge, and nothing changed.  Not one word of the temp order.  Many temp orders morph virtually unchanged into final decrees but fortunately that didn't happen for me, I got many of the fixes we needed.  But two years later.  That's precisely why you need a proactive lawyer and you need to speak up, however briefly during the short temp order hearing, so your temp order isn't horrendously burdensome.

[livednlearned]

I'm trying to imagine in my own case if the judge would've ever cared how I obtained information about my ex from social media. I mean, social media is public. Your ex is posting this on Facebook.    Can anyone expect a reasonable degree of privacy if they are posting things online? Probably not.

If you ever needed to use this information, chances are that you would first talk to a lawyer and could ask if using an alias was a problem. It may depend on your state, but more often than not, it will depend on what a lawyer says about the judge involved in your case.

A custody battle is mostly about pulling together many data points in order to tell a compelling, persuasive story. Your ex's FB posts would only be one data point looked at in aggregate, with other evidence, like the binders you are saving. Could your ex say that you created a fake alias to spy on you? Sure. In the bigger picture, in which the court cares about the well-being of the child, it's more likely that your fake alias would be seen as normal human behavior.

I made a conscious decision to stop looking at my ex's FB page because it kept me pinned to a bad reality I wanted to stop reliving over and over. I had a friend, however, who created a fake alias and she kept tabs on my ex on FB. Every time he posted something questionable, she screen captured it and saved it. She only reported on things she thought I might need to know for court.

What is your custody situation right now? Does your child have contact with BPD dad?

Also, you're really smart to be documenting like this. It's important! You're not being sneaky -- don't let yourself feel guilty about taking good care of your child.

[JayApril]

I'm trying to imagine in my own case if the judge would've ever cared how I obtained information about my ex from social media. I mean, social media is public. Your ex is posting this on Facebook.    Can anyone expect a reasonable degree of privacy if they are posting things online? Probably not.

If you ever needed to use this information, chances are that you would first talk to a lawyer and could ask if using an alias was a problem. It may depend on your state, but more often than not, it will depend on what a lawyer says about the judge involved in your case.

A custody battle is mostly about pulling together many data points in order to tell a compelling, persuasive story. Your ex's FB posts would only be one data point looked at in aggregate, with other evidence, like the binders you are saving. Could your ex say that you created a fake alias to spy on you? Sure. In the bigger picture, in which the court cares about the well-being of the child, it's more likely that your fake alias would be seen as normal human behavior.

I made a conscious decision to stop looking at my ex's FB page because it kept me pinned to a bad reality I wanted to stop reliving over and over. I had a friend, however, who created a fake alias and she kept tabs on my ex on FB. Every time he posted something questionable, she screen captured it and saved it. She only reported on things she thought I might need to know for court.

What is your custody situation right now? Does your child have contact with BPD dad?

Also, you're really smart to be documenting like this. It's important! You're not being sneaky -- don't let yourself feel guilty about taking good care of your child.

Thank you. It is only things I feel are questionable. Also, my mother is a therapist who works at a prison. Often she attends court cases with the men in prison, performing phyc evaluations. So alot of judges know her just the mention of her name. So I am praying that God will bring me favor over in that department.

There is no custody order. In Cali if you are a single parent who was never married you have sole custody. My XBpd would have to petition for custody and or visitation. He is not on any of my Lo's legal docs.

He has never come to visit him, and has stood me up twice when asked to help out. He uses asking me if I need anything as an excuse to attempt to recycle. (Which I dont buy into anymore because, he never does what you ask).

Also My lawyer is a family friend from church that we have know for years.