Empathy

[search4peace]

My exBPDgf use to say often that she needed me to show her more empathy, implying that I didn't understand her pain.  This was a recurrent complaint which drove me nuts, given how I (being CoD) was obsessed with how she was feeling all the time.

If BPDs are notorious for not having empathy, is her statement just projection?  She seemed to me, at times, that she was very sensitive and empathetic when I was struggling with problems (work, kids, etc).

I even went so far as ask my therapist how to show my gf what she was asking for.  Totally ashamed of that.

So confused... .

[once removed]

hey search, question before i answer: is she diagnosed?

[search4peace]

I don't know what her T has told her... .she exhibits so many of the symptoms described here, but honestly, I cant say.

[once removed]

thats okay, just wanted to narrow my thoughts.

projection is a very possible explanation. i think the other is that in spite of your efforts, she did not feel validated. have you had the chance to read up on pwBPD and validation as a communication technique? if not, you might find your answer upon doing so. remember, for a pwBPD, feelings typically = fact, no matter how irrational those feelings may seem. in my case i could actually be pretty highly and frequently invalidating despite my efforts to understand, care, and manage. that may not be the case for you. the communication strategies are not fool proof and experienced members on the staying and undecided forums encounter great frustration.

you mention that "at times" she was very sensitive and empathetic when you were struggling with problems. if you dont think lack of validation is your answer, and projection is, i might suggest you a: reexamine the times you felt she was sensitive and empathetic and b: elaborate on the other times/in between. empathy is limited in a pwBPD to varying degrees, but not nonexistant.

and other than that, is it possible that say, you had one of these problems, and the attention relatively quickly (immediately or within say a day or two) turned to her, and she then accused you of lacking this empathy? that ever happen?

[Mutt]

My exBPDgf use to say often that she needed me to show her more empathy, implying that I didn't understand her pain.

A poor emotional vocabulary, understanding one's feelings and little room for understanding others.

Having empathy isn't so easy when one is in a distraught emotional state. Keep in mind that BPD sufferers are often flooded with conflicted and painful emotions. During times of dysregulation, an emotional response that is more intense than normal, Borderline Personality sufferers can be so overwhelmed with emotion that makes them, at worst, incapable fo normal functioning , and at best, internally focused, self centered and self absorbed.

Often a person with BPD doesn’t have emotional energy to spare to consider the emotions of others.

Showing empathy isn't so easy when it's an experience we can't relate to.  People suffering from BPD have a problem with poor emotional vocabularies, meaning they find it hard to label and understand - their own feelings - let alone understand others. This inability to understand or accept their own feelings leads to feelings of confusion, shame and self hatred, one of the defining traits of a BPD sufferer. Additionally, a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is often not very kind to themselves. They often comfort themselves by dysfunctional means - cutting and self injury are a good examples of dysfunctional soothing.

https://bpdfamily.org/2010/12/do-people-with-borderline-personality.html?m=1

[Tay25]

My exBPDgf use to say often that she needed me to show her more empathy, implying that I didn't understand her pain.  This was a recurrent complaint which drove me nuts, given how I (being CoD) was obsessed with how she was feeling all the time.

If BPDs are notorious for not having empathy, is her statement just projection?  She seemed to me, at times, that she was very sensitive and empathetic when I was struggling with problems (work, kids, etc).

I even went so far as ask my therapist how to show my gf what she was asking for.  Totally ashamed of that.

So confused... .

My exBPDgf would also do the same, telling me I wasn't there for her when her dog died and grandma died. When I was there to listen and comfort her but she needed me to be there like a parent and interpret exactly what she needed which I couldn't do.

However when my alcoholic father had a breakdown on the phone with me and started threatening suicide all she could say was what are you going to do?

I think for my situation it is was her narcissistic thinking patterns, its all about her and her needs, mine didn't matter, or they did but only to the point where she could convince me she cared.

[search4peace]

Tay25,

Eerily like my experience.  She acted similarly when her mom died, saying I needed to understand all the intricate pshycological impact, expecting me to decipher instantly how her estranged relationship with her mom crippled her ability to have stable relationships with men.  Important topic to be sure, but when I asked with genuine concern and interest, she got angry saying that "I just didnt understand her"... .and later that she would have to isolate me from this part of her pain and "discuss it with her friends" instead.

I felt so distant/apart from her at a time when I only wanted to console her.

[ZeusRLX]

If BPDs are notorious for not having empathy, is her statement just projection?  She seemed to me, at times, that she was very sensitive and empathetic when I was struggling with problems (work, kids, etc).

So confused... .

Some of mine were good at acting like they had empathy, saying the right things, etc etc.

And some WERE there for me when I needed them. So I wouldn't say in my experience flat out that no BPD can have empathy. I do think their empathy can be manipulative and it can be part of a personality disorder.

Nevertheless, some have done very caring things for me... .

But in my experience they try to demand more empathy because it's never enough for them. It's a black hole of insatiable emotional/financial neediness and nothing you do is ever enough. None of mine were bad people, they DID care about me in their own way I think and did very many things for me.

Were they projecting things or were they truly empathetic? I really am not sure.

But what I do know though is that despite demonstrating some empathy for me, they were hopelessly sick and manipulative and unfit for a relationship. If I didn't end it, they would drag me down the same black hole.