Help me help my husband

[Depression = 72% of members]

Good evening,

I hope this message finds you well.  I think my husband has BPD (and so does our therapist) No matter what I say he feelings like I am taking the other persons side even when he is wrong  he thinks he is never wrong.  I'm at the end of my rope.  I want out of my marriage.  My husband can not (not) forgive anyone.  He holds on to his anger forever.  How do I live a better life with him?  How do I cope with all he does? 

Thank you.

Respectfully,

pr3945

[pr3945]

Good evening,

I hope this message finds you well.  I think my husband has BPD (and so does our therapist) No matter what I say he feelings like I am taking the other persons side even when he is wrong  he thinks he is never wrong.  I'm at the end of my rope.  I want out of my marriage.  My husband can not (not) forgive anyone.  He holds on to his anger forever.  How do I live a better life with him?  How do I cope with all he does? 

Thank you.

Respectfully,

pr3945

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pr3945]

I love my husband. But he makes it very hard to love him.  I sometimes think he doesn't love me at all (that he can only love or think about himself).  I don't know how to combat his constant anger with life and the world.  If I say it's a beautiful day he looks at me like I have 3 heads.  Our daughter is getting married he hate's the in-laws (I admit they are not easy to deal with), but I have tried by inviting them over for dinner and trying to get to know them they invited us to there home I had a lovely time but my husband had a very different experience. His words "we are never doing that again" I tried explaining that we need to do this for our daughter but no go.  My mother's boy friend (my mother is 90 years old) is a difficult person (and he is 86 years old) my husband has not forgiven him for a really stupid comment.  Now it's gotten so bad that my mother doesn't want my husband around when I visit her.  I don't know how to fix this and I'm angry at my husband for starting this. 

Respectfully,

pr3945

[Michelle27]

Oh my gosh, the title of your post resonated with me.  I plunked myself in front of various counselors and doctors over the years and said those very words.  It literally took me years to get what they all said through my head... .that it's not my job to help him, it's his only if he wants help.  All you (and I) can do is decide what your boundaries are and enforce them.  You can't influence his behavior, only yours, but standing up for what you will and will not tolerate (leaving when he rages, etc.) can do a lot towards changing his behavior on it's own. 

Believe me, I was where you are now.  My husband and I are currently doing a therapeutic separation while he seeks treatment and I work on healing the damage that has been done, get strong enough to keep and enforce boundaries and decide if I can get past all of the hurtful things.  I did not give him a choice in this separation and he is taking it well, knowing I am on the edge of deciding whether to try to make it work or not.  I now know that my priority needs to be taking care of myself, not worrying about what he is and is not doing.