How did you cope the first night that divorce was decided?

[michel71]

Divorce. The ":)" word. We knew it had to be discussed but I pushed the issue a bit and yes, she fessed up that THAT was her plan. She went to the beach yesterday to do some thinking and came to that conclusion. She was waiting until I after I get back from a vacation seeing my daughter and celebrating her birthday. But it came out today, two days before I leave.

I knew it was imminent. But I still feel crushed. Like, this is really happening now isn't it? No more bluffing. No more posturing on her part. It is gonna happen. She is resolute.

And if you see my other posts you know how fearful I have been that I will get fleeced financially... .that she would stay here instead of returning to the UK. I will pay her one lump sum if she goes back to the UK. A smaller amount and with far less worry that if she had stayed. And the amount is rather reasonable. And I guess in that regard I am relieved.

So I feel a mix bag of things tonight. After a private good cry, imploring the help of God to get through this, a rant to God of why this had to happen when I thought He brought her to me in the first place, feeling like a child again, scared even, thinking I am going to die alone with nobody that loves me, I calmed down. I thought about how much I am grateful for: my house which I will have to myself again, free of discord and strife, my job that I can one day concentrate at again and be my best, my faithful friends, my cute chihuahua and of course my darling daughter. And that gave me peace.

Part of me is in complete and total agony mourning the hopes and dreams, the woman I thought I knew and could trust with my heart, my everything. I still love that woman, the one that made me feel on top of the world, the one I felt was my dream come true and my soul mate.

My heart is breaking beyond belief even though I knew it had to end, that I wanted it to end because it was killing me, killing my soul.

Please tell me your stories friends. I really need to hear them now. :'(

[Turkish]

I'm so sorry, michel71,

As you said at the end of your post, I felt so despondent that I wanted it to end, but she chose for us after I started emotionally withdrawing.

My Ex also did a trip to the beach to decide things (in the expensive SUV she let me buy her when she was already cheating).

Almost a year and a half out, I still struggle with what I think you are saying, "I want out, but I also want it to lose it."

Does it feel like losing your dream?

[michel71]

Turkish you bet it does. Feels like I have lost all my hopes and dreams because I placed them all in her. I have been quite unlucky in love, lucky in other things, grateful for what I have accomplished, my daughter, good job and good friends but I was looking for the one and I was convinced she was it and I would never be without love again.

[michel71]

Hey ConfusedinWI... .that is so super nice of you to respond! Thanks for telling me what you went though and I hope that there is more to your story about coming out the other side of it happier and healthy. That is what I am counting on.

You don't know how many times I have prayed to be delivered from this situation but now that it is here I am having all these bag of feelings.

She is downstairs and I am in our bed. I want to just run down the stairs, grab her and beg her not to go. Which is totally what I did not want for months now. I wanted her to go. To be free of this insanity and never able to please her and feel like ___ all of the time and fearful that she would ruin my life.

The flip side is this nostalgic sadness, this longing for once was or what I thought would be.

How did you make it through that week?

I have to see my daughter in just a few days. She lives across the country. How in the hell am I going to keep it together? She is turning 10. You have kids. How did you keep it together for them?

Thanks again Confused. By the way I tried to pm you to respond to your personal messagebut it wont let me so I just posted here.

Michel

[confusedinWI]

Losing the dream is tough. I had one friend tell me when my divorce bombshell was dropped in December of 2011, "right now you feel like you are losing your fantasy, in the future you will realize you were just waking up from the nightmare."

He was right about the divorce, and I'm using the same logic to my break up from ex gf of two years (which feels like it hurts more honestly).

You'll get through this, and we will help you.

[confusedinWI]

Hey ConfusedinWI... .that is so super nice of you to respond! Thanks for telling me what you went though and I hope that there is more to your story about coming out the other side of it happier and healthy. That is what I am counting on.

You don't know how many times I have prayed to be delivered from this situation but now that it is here I am having all these bag of feelings.

She is downstairs and I am in our bed. I want to just run down the stairs, grab her and beg her not to go. Which is totally what I did not want for months now. I wanted her to go. To be free of this insanity and never able to please her and feel like ___ all of the time and fearful that she would ruin my life.

The flip side is this nostalgic sadness, this longing for once was or what I thought would be.

How did you make it through that week?

I have to see my daughter in just a few days. She lives across the country. How in the hell am I going to keep it together? She is turning 10. You have kids. How did you keep it together for them?

Thanks again Confused. By the way I tried to pm you to respond to your personal messagebut it wont let me so I just posted here.

Michel

Michel, yes I came out the other side from the divorce but one thing I didn't learn until my break up with ex gf of two years is that I ran into dating WAY too quick. Part of that was not recognizing my co-dependency issues, learning how to live alone and realize it's not a disease but it's okay for the time. Those were my issues, not saying anyone else will have those. My marriage was nine years, was with my ex wife for eleven years. I have two blessed children from that marriage, that is what the meaning of the marriage was for. My children.

I've also realized that the more you put other peoples happiness (not counting children) above your own the less likely for a positive outcome.

I read a post that described it as a 51/49 rule. You should put your needs 51% of the time, with the other person's 49% of the time.

This quote I love about how I want my next relationship to be, "I'll take care of Me for you, you take care of You for me."

[michel71]

Thanks Confused. I have no plans to get into another relationship. EVER. I am done. This woman was everything to me. The thought of it makes me want to throw up. I am and have been so totally devoted to this woman that I put up with as much as I can take until it made me literally a shadow of myself. I know that I gave "ME" up for her, but in trying to regain "ME" I have to lose her. It seems so terribly unfair this life. Co-Dependency and the rescuer syndrome are my problems to say the least.

[Turkish]

Turkish you bet it does. Feels like I have lost all my hopes and dreams because I placed them all in her. I have been quite unlucky in love, lucky in other things, grateful for what I have accomplished, my daughter, good job and good friends but I was looking for the one and I was convinced she was it and I would never be without love again.

It gets better as it gets better. I'm sitting on the back porch of the home I bought for my family. Over a year out, the loss of the dream still hurts. Love your daughter well, she's a gift... .

[confusedinWI]

Michel two days ago I wouldn't be able to type this now I feel I can, and everything I say is from the heart. You are a father same as me.

What is the greater loss? Losing someone that doesn't want to be there anymore or losing yourself? I understand not wanting to think of another woman I'm there to.

But we have such a great opportunity to make ourselves new. Think of this stage as the ability to take a slab of marble... .now do you want to craft the next David or do you want to stay as that slab of marble? We are the artist in our own lives the question is what will we do with that marble?

[imstronghere2]

Thanks Confused. I have no plans to get into another relationship. EVER. I am done. This woman was everything to me. The thought of it makes me want to throw up. I am and have been so totally devoted to this woman that I put up with as much as I can take until it made me literally a shadow of myself. I know that I gave "ME" up for her, but in trying to regain "ME" I have to lose her. It seems so terribly unfair this life. Co-Dependency and the rescuer syndrome are my problems to say the least.

Been exactly where you are.  I have spoken and felt the same thing, word for word.  As everyone who's gone through this says, it will get better BUT you can't see it or feel it right now.  You may not for a few years but it will happen.  You will start to focus on you and your life and what that really means and how you fit into this world and you won't feel a damn bit guilty about it.  In fact, it will feel GOOD.  When you get to where you're at the acceptance stage, you'll know that you have finally pushed through this mess.

Stay strong for your kids because they will look to you for guidance and assurance.  Their mother has turned their world upside down.  And yeah, it is unfair and unjust but that's not the issue now.  You are.  Hold tight to that.

To answer your original question, I was shell shocked.  About the only thing I ever did in my 19.5 years of being married that truly made my BPDexw happy was telling her that I was talking to a lawyer.   She got the biggest smile on her face and her eyes lit right up.  Almost immediately she sent a text to all her men that she began stringing along:  "imstronghere2 and I are getting divorced.  I'm datable."   



NOT quite the reaction you would have expected after all that time, huh?   Bear in mind, we didn't fight.  Life was actually pretty damn good, all things considered.  Nuclear family living in a nice but modest home in a decent, mixed cultural environment with good schools and fairly low crime.  I had a good, steady middle income job and she was the stay at  home mom for our two kids.  Pets, a couple of cars and I worked a seasonal second job to pay for the little extras. 

Just doesn't matter though when you're dealing with BPD.   All bets are off and NOTHING is ever going to be enough and they will NEVER be happy.

But you can be and will be again.  It's just going to take time and lots of it to heal.  If you haven't already, find a good therapist (if you can afford it) who specializes in BPD.  Worth every penny.

Good luck and chin up.