Moving on from the land of if only

[Depression = 72% of members]

I still struggle three months after my BPDex moved out. I at the time started to believe I must have been doing some or all of what she was accusing me of, she was so convincing, I thought I was going mad. My greatest fear at present is that she has/will meet someone new and be able to have a normal relationship with him.

If only she she knew her trust fears were irrational, if only she chose to trust me, if only she didn't triangulate our relationship with her mother or daughter, if only she wasn't physically and emotionally abusive, if only she didn't feel the need to keep hurting me, if only I reacted differently to her when she raged and felt insecure.

If only I could accept that the inevidble outcome was out of my control. Eights weeks without seeing or hearing from her, cut out of her life like I never existed. How long until people move on from if only land? Why do I get so stuck on actually fully letting go and accepting what is? Why is it so easy for her to move on and put me in the past with every other former partner who in her opinion has treated her so badly? Can they not see the common denominator?

[MincedGarlic]

I still struggle three months after my BPDex moved out. I at the time started to believe I must have been doing some or all of what she was accusing me of, she was so convincing, I thought I was going mad. My greatest fear at present is that she has/will meet someone new and be able to have a normal relationship with him.

If only she she knew her trust fears were irrational, if only she chose to trust me, if only she didn't triangulate our relationship with her mother or daughter, if only she wasn't physically and emotionally abusive, if only she didn't feel the need to keep hurting me, if only I reacted differently to her when she raged and felt insecure.

If only I could accept that the inevidble outcome was out of my control. Eights weeks without seeing or hearing from her, cut out of her life like I never existed. How long until people move on from if only land? Why do I get so stuck on actually fully letting go and accepting what is? Why is it so easy for her to move on and put me in the past with every other former partner who in her opinion has treated her so badly? Can they not see the common denominator?

[Mutt]

Hi MincedGarlic,



I'm sorry you're going through this. Often when a r/s ends with a pwBPD it can be distressful, chaotic and confusing. I can see how difficult it is when someone you cared about stops talking to you for several weeks. You question yourself with what you did and if only I did such and such would this have played out differently?

I think it helps to talk to a T or a P and share with members that can relate.

I was almost convinced that her actions were my own or her projections. Many of us project subconsciously and a pwBPD take this to the extreme. Projection is attributing an uncomfortable and negative feeling and like a game of tag you're it, putting w feeling or action unto someone else. A pwBPD are emotionally arrested at around the age of 2 or 3 and are scared of the world and emotionally merge with someone to take care of them and project insecurities and negative feelings about themselves on loved ones - a maladaptive coping mechanism.

I can also see how hard accepting someone we cared about is mentally ill and why they can't see the common denominator by learning from their actions with self awareness and the impact of their choices on themselves and the people that care around them.

Everyone's healing path is different and there's no set time period when things are back to were we feel normal and healed. No one can answer that question fir you and they can share their experience and how long it took for them. It does get better.

I will share with you that it took me a few months to accept that my ex partner has traits of a difficult and serious mental illness. I told myself several times a day that my ex is mentally ill until I came to acceptance that someone I cared so much about is mentally ill.

I can also understand comparing ourselves with the new partner and if she'll become normal in the new r/s and if it's something wrong with me. A r/s takes two and a r/s does not fix her mental illness. Intimacy triggers the disorder and a criteria for BPD is chaotic interpersonal r/s.

It helps to talk and I hope that helps.


----Mutt

[SWLSR]

Hey mince

leving the land of what if is a big step.  it does you no good to stay there becuase nothing you did would hsve made a difference.    It is hard to go through a BPD breakup.  but once we get with them this will happen

[willtimeheal]

So sorry you are going through this. I am eight months out. I wish I could tell you there is a magic pill that makes it all go away but the only thing that seems to work is time and concentrating on yourself.  Remember that none of this has anything to do with you. He is disordered and the pattern will repeat. I often wonder how quickly my ex BPD could have moved on and I wonder if her current relationship is going to work. And the thought of it working with someone else is painful. But I do realize she is disordered and toxic and can never be what I deserve. And I realize her mask will soon crack with the next person and then it will be on to the next... .rinse... .repeat. Take care of you and concentrate on yourself.

[MincedGarlic]

Thank you all,

I really appreciate your kind words. I am torn, knowing what is right for me and for my son and then emotionally wanting / needing something else - then also knowing that she has painted me black and cut me out of her life in every possible way and that she doesn't want me after I finally set a boundary with her and stated that I did not agree with the new terms of being friends (with benefits) not living together, splitting all our assets. Once I stood up for what I wanted (or more to the point what I didn't want) it was so very cut and dry for her and she just moved out and moved on - clinical and shattering.

I am so lost with this all, I have my son to care for full time which is good because he keeps me motivated to get up and be there for him everyday though  I'm on autopilot, life is just happening to me at the moment.

I was so happy about our future (and so she kept telling me she was too), we were doing everything to provide best for our individual children through the rest of their schooling, living a simple life, growing and making our own. Plans to downsize to a small house we would build ourselves when the kids moved out, travel and most of all, being a team kicking ass though life together. My life outside of being a parent had real meaning and now this meaning is gone. I feel empty.

It staggers me to think that after six weeks of triangulation of our relationship with her mother that it can all be gone. It was two against one. My exBPDfiance chose her mum over me. At some stage I attached my self worth to what we were achieving together and it breaks me that I was not good enough for her to choose me.

I've been reading the lessons though I cannot seem to make it to the first step of accepting what is. I will not break NC though inside I'm screaming to reach out to her or have her reach out to me. I know that this is not healthy and that if she wanted to she would have done so by now.

The DR has put me on some anti anxiety medication to help me sleep. It is amazing how effective it is at removing my anxiety within 20 minutes of taking it. I don't want to have this as a crutch that inhibits my ability to move on. What is others experience of taking anti anxiety medication, did it help or prolong the healing process?

[Lucky Jim]

I at the time started to believe I must have been doing some or all of what she was accusing me of, she was so convincing, I thought I was going mad.

Hey MG, So true, those w/BPD are extremely convincing, because on some level I think they actually believe their own lies.     It is largely projection of their issues onto you, but I understand that it hurts when they accuse and blame with such conviction.  One thing that has helped me is to enlist a third person (for me, it's my sister) who I can use as a reality-check when my BPDxW starts dumping the blame on me.  When I talk it out w/someone else, it is usually obvious that what she is saying has no basis in reality.  So you might consider the possibility of getting someone (e.g., friend, therapist, family member) to be a sounding board when your Ex is attempting to get you to believe that it is all your fault.  Don't buy into it!   

LuckyJim

[ZeusRLX]

Took years in my case the first time it happened.

Its a process. What helped me most was reading books about the disorder, talking to others about it and lots of talk therapy.

And time, lots of time. It may be helpful not to worry about the timeline as I think its different for everyone but just try to get through the day and take care of yourself.

Eventually these feelings will subside... .Hang in there

[ZeusRLX]

What kind of anti anxiety medication? Benzodiazapenes? Ativan?

[MincedGarlic]

What kind of anti anxiety medication? Benzodiazapenes? Ativan?

Serapax

[ZeusRLX]

What kind of anti anxiety medication? Benzodiazapenes? Ativan?

Serapax

Be careful with that stuff, very addictive. I have taken it for years in the early stages but it's not recommended to take it for more than 2 weeks.

I weaned off it gradually and will never take it again no matter what.

Just be sure you don't increase the dose and don't become addicted to it. I couldn't sleep without it, developed a habit. So be very careful when using that stuff... .