Going NC with BPD Parents or In-Laws

[educator]

Now I understand why she told me this.  It's easy to avoid and allow ourselves to get distracted by our busy schedules without realizing that we are repressing emotions that are affecting our personal and professional relationships.

In my case, it was very therapeutic for me to reconnect with my mother after NC ( 3 separate times) because it provided an opportunity to measure my progress in establishing emotional independence from her.  With each reconnection, I also saw my mother and her illness more clearly and how it affected me throughout my life.  

Leaving

I don't have a pd parent, but my MIL is uBPD/unpd.  Three different T's have said she has BPD/npd traits that DH and I have been to.  So, I don't know exactly what you are going through.

My DH was NC with his mom for 3 1/2 years... .very little contact.  Tried to reach out to her around the holidays and it went south fast.  Then... .we had a huge fight and he rekindled with his mom (oh how she loved having him run back to her!).  We have worked things out and it's been about a month.  Well... .his mom is causing lots of drama now.  

But... .I see what leaving wrote and can really relate to that.  For my DH, the guilt of  not talking to his mom was really hard on him.  Personally, I think that's part of his FOG and his issues of codependency with her. The thing is... .this time around I feel he is starting to see how off she is, like Leaving stated and I see him thinking about withdrawing from her because of it.  

To me, it sounds like you have no desire to talk with your mother.  I'm not sure it will help you work through the issues you have, but I'm not a T.  I don't see any positive outcomes of DH's r/s with his mother, other than the fact that he no longer feels guilty.  For now.  

Mod Note: This post was split from NC with BPD mother for seven years - T says I should try to re-establish contact

[Leaving]

Now I understand why she told me this.  It's easy to avoid and allow ourselves to get distracted by our busy schedules without realizing that we are repressing emotions that are affecting our personal and professional relationships.

In my case, it was very therapeutic for me to reconnect with my mother after NC ( 3 separate times) because it provided an opportunity to measure my progress in establishing emotional independence from her.  With each reconnection, I also saw my mother and her illness more clearly and how it affected me throughout my life. 

Leaving

I don't have a pd parent, but my MIL is uBPD/unpd.  Three different T's have said she has BPD/npd traits that DH and I have been to.  So, I don't know exactly what you are going through.

My DH was NC with his mom for 3 1/2 years... .very little contact.  Tried to reach out to her around the holidays and it went south fast.  Then... .we had a huge fight and he rekindled with his mom (oh how she loved having him run back to her!).  We have worked things out and it's been about a month.  Well... .his mom is causing lots of drama now. 

But... .I see what leaving wrote and can really relate to that.  For my DH, the guilt of  not talking to his mom was really hard on him.  Personally, I think that's part of his FOG and his issues of codependency with her. The thing is... .this time around I feel he is starting to see how off she is, like Leaving stated and I see him thinking about withdrawing from her because of it. 

To me, it sounds like you have no desire to talk with your mother.  I'm not sure it will help you work through the issues you have, but I'm not a T.  I don't see any positive outcomes of DH's r/s with his mother, other than the fact that he no longer feels guilty.  For now. 

Educator,

I know what your husband goes through and you're probably correct that there's some codependency and such. I'm sorry he suffers that kind of guilt because he isn't the one who should be feeling that.  It's always the good and loving people who suffer.  I don't know if he has siblings and what the family dynamic is but it sounds like your husband has a very similar relationship with his mother like my brother does our mother. At least your husband has knowledge and wisdom about her and himself.  My brother is steeped in complete ignorance and denial.   I'm glad that the two of you have sought counseling together because as much as two people love each other, dealing with a PD inlaw can really take a toll on a marriage. 

Your love and support and commitment to your husband , each other and your own family will help him stay strong and honor the boundaries that he makes with his mother.   It's been very hard for me to honor NC at times because I have no other family.  I have no children and my NPD/BPD husband is not what I would consider family.  So, I'm very alone and wish I had someone like you by my side.  I recently contacted my mother out of desperate need for some help but help wasn't what I got.  C'est la vie. 

Blessings to you and your husband.  I hope he continues to gain strength and that you will have a long happy life together. 

[educator]

t's been very hard for me to honor NC at times because I have no other family.  I have no children and my NPD/BPD husband is not what I would consider family.  So, I'm very alone and wish I had someone like you by my side.  I recently contacted my mother out of desperate need for some help but help wasn't what I got.  C'est la vie. 

Leaving... .thanks for the kind words of encouragement.  That is exactly why my DH contacted her... .he felt alone and desperate.  Now, she is just making our lives miserable with her outlandish demands.  He is still really foggy, but I hope T will help that. 

I'm sorry that you have felt this way.  I will make sure that my DD's never feel this way and that I always am supportive of them.  Because, that's what a parent should do, emotionally support you as an adult.  I just feel emotional damage from MIL.  I wish DH would go NC again, but I have to respect his decision.   I hate that he waits until things are so awful before he goes NC though.

[Leaving]

t's been very hard for me to honor NC at times because I have no other family.  I have no children and my NPD/BPD husband is not what I would consider family.  So, I'm very alone and wish I had someone like you by my side.  I recently contacted my mother out of desperate need for some help but help wasn't what I got.  C'est la vie. 

Leaving... .thanks for the kind words of encouragement.  That is exactly why my DH contacted her... .he felt alone and desperate.  Now, she is just making our lives miserable with her outlandish demands.  He is still really foggy, but I hope T will help that. 

I'm sorry that you have felt this way.  I will make sure that my DD's never feel this way and that I always am supportive of them.  Because, that's what a parent should do, emotionally support you as an adult.  I just feel emotional damage from MIL.  I wish DH would go NC again, but I have to respect his decision.   I hate that he waits until things are so awful before he goes NC though.

I understand why your husband is caught up in the never ending cycle of abuse.  It's the same drama that all abusive relationships  endure... ." makeup to breakup" cycle.   He needs his own counselor to help him learn how to be realistic about his mother and set boundaries instead of always living in the extremes and walking on eggshells until the next blowup. It's so difficult to do without professional and objective guidance.  He's been doing this for so long that he's probably learned to identify with it and in a sense, becomes addicted to the highs during the makeups.  In other words, happiness and feeling good becomes a byproduct of pain and misery and can't exist independent of each other.

Of course you feel affected by the MIL and all the negativity and drama. The drama doesn't just affect the them, it affects everyone in your family because drama consumes everyone's positive energy and distracts them from their usual activities.  The trickle down theory may not work in our economy but it does in families.   All the time spent arguing and then recovering from altercations is time not spent nurturing those you love and it has a cumulative effect that fosters more and more negativity.  I hope that one day soon your husband will realize that he's wasting precious time trying to fill a bucket that has a hole in the bottom.

Remember the old children's nursery rhyme about the hole in the bucket?  Read it again:   https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/There%27s_a_Hole_in_My_Bucket   

Funny how so many of those simple nursery rhymes seem have such profound wisdom in them