frustrated and hurt

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi.  I feel like I'm at the end of my rope  I am married to a wonderful man who has 3 children from a prior marriage... .all above 25 years of age.  His daughter who is 31 yes old... .who has a history of compulsive lying to manipulate her parents had a melt down when she heard about our marriage  my husband loves his children very much and that's why her behaviors affect him and I feel like he cannot see clearly.  An example is... .when she was in her early 20s she told her parents she was pregnant  . They never met the father to be  for months she received attention due to the pregnancy but after a whole her parents became suspicious... .and asked to accompany her to the next doctor appt where she was to get a sonogram.  Well she agreed... .it was a month away.  They discussed this appt for weeks  family and friends excited about the coming baby so she was the focus of attention in the family  well on the day of the appt  her parents were to meet her at docs office  .  When she was late they were concerned.  Next thing they get is a phone call from a local hospital that she had been in a single car accident.  They rushed to the hospital where they found she was going to be okay .  They asked the doctor how the baby was... .he informed them that there was no baby .  The parents simply hid this from the entire family protecting her they said and told everyone she had lost the baby .  That is just one example of her elaborate lies.  Well fast forward... .the other day she told her dad that I had told mean things to some of his family members about her.  He asked her who told her this and she replied people .  But he didn't press her for more information... .well later he told me and I asked her who said that as I have never talked about her to anyone  she replied that I was aggressive and twisted her words.  My older daughter told her that I would never talk about anyone like that and she told my daughter that she did tell my husband who these ppl were and that he is just choosing not to tell me because I was crazy  . We were stunned... .where had this come from.  My husband has always enabled her and still got upset with me that we upset her.  Regardless that I have never lied to him and that his own daughter has a history of intense lies.  I am at the end of my rope.  She has done such major damage and has his family sympathizing with her  .  What do I do? I tried telling her that  I would never do something like that but she called her dad crying that we were being mean and course he was furious .  I am at a loss.  We were so happy but it's almost like he feels he has to choose his daughter over me.  Sorry this is so long... .need some advise.

[midwestmom]

Hi.  I feel like I'm at the end of my rope  I am married to a wonderful man who has 3 children from a prior marriage... .all above 25 years of age.  His daughter who is 31 yes old... .who has a history of compulsive lying to manipulate her parents had a melt down when she heard about our marriage  my husband loves his children very much and that's why her behaviors affect him and I feel like he cannot see clearly.  An example is... .when she was in her early 20s she told her parents she was pregnant  . They never met the father to be  for months she received attention due to the pregnancy but after a whole her parents became suspicious... .and asked to accompany her to the next doctor appt where she was to get a sonogram.  Well she agreed... .it was a month away.  They discussed this appt for weeks  family and friends excited about the coming baby so she was the focus of attention in the family  well on the day of the appt  her parents were to meet her at docs office  .  When she was late they were concerned.  Next thing they get is a phone call from a local hospital that she had been in a single car accident.  They rushed to the hospital where they found she was going to be okay .  They asked the doctor how the baby was... .he informed them that there was no baby .  The parents simply hid this from the entire family protecting her they said and told everyone she had lost the baby .  That is just one example of her elaborate lies.  Well fast forward... .the other day she told her dad that I had told mean things to some of his family members about her.  He asked her who told her this and she replied people .  But he didn't press her for more information... .well later he told me and I asked her who said that as I have never talked about her to anyone  she replied that I was aggressive and twisted her words.  My older daughter told her that I would never talk about anyone like that and she told my daughter that she did tell my husband who these ppl were and that he is just choosing not to tell me because I was crazy  . We were stunned... .where had this come from.  My husband has always enabled her and still got upset with me that we upset her.  Regardless that I have never lied to him and that his own daughter has a history of intense lies.  I am at the end of my rope.  She has done such major damage and has his family sympathizing with her  .  What do I do? I tried telling her that  I would never do something like that but she called her dad crying that we were being mean and course he was furious .  I am at a loss.  We were so happy but it's almost like he feels he has to choose his daughter over me.  Sorry this is so long... .need some advise.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi midwestmom,

Welcome to the Parenting Board, we are happy to have you join us here.

I'm sorry to learn that your marriage is being negatively affected by your step daughter's behaviors.  Being a step mother to an adult child with BPD can be rough on all the family relationships, we can help.  The ability to empathize with your husband's fears and see this from his perspective can help your relationship with him.  Learning about the disorder and why your step daughter does the things she does can help you better manage your relationship with her.  It's a lot to deal with and takes an investment of your time and energy.

Here is some information to read that may help you better understand your husband's struggles:  Emotional Blackmail-Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG)

And this is a good place to begin to understand the disorder and what drives your step daughter's behaviors:

Lesson 1

One of the truths we operate from is that we must take care of ourselves so that we can take care of others.  Burn out is common and self care must be a priority to prevent it.  How do you take care of you?  One way is to have others who understand what we are going through to talk to (that's us  ) another is to have an individual therapist.  Have you thought about getting a therapist (t) to work with you?

lbjnltx

[midwestmom]

Thank you for both the reply and for the welcome  .  Yes I've thought of that and know that is the direction I need to go in.  The antics continue to escalate and I've spent most of the day in tears  I feel like I am in an environment that makes no sense  .  Thank you again.