how supportive were they really?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's a nice feeling to start to come out of the fog and realize what your relationship really was like! I'm starting to see the dynamics at play.

That being said I wonder how supportive your BPD ex really was?

My ex gf could do the little things, the hallmark cards, the backrubs, the nice verbal gestures, heck even small acts of kindness, but I see now that when I really needed support, when the attention was going to be taken away from her is when she initiated the break up.

At first I was responding to her little break up demands, when she saw that those weren't working she did something that she knew would cross the lines.

I needed her the most at that point in my life, and she vanished on me.

I wonder how supportive other people's exes were? I realize that it's easy to do the little things (but even those might be loaded towards their needs).

I don't want to be jaded towards the future, I don't want to fundamentally change who I am, but I also have to start putting myself first!

Fix my codependent ways.

[confusedinWI]

It's a nice feeling to start to come out of the fog and realize what your relationship really was like! I'm starting to see the dynamics at play.

That being said I wonder how supportive your BPD ex really was?

My ex gf could do the little things, the hallmark cards, the backrubs, the nice verbal gestures, heck even small acts of kindness, but I see now that when I really needed support, when the attention was going to be taken away from her is when she initiated the break up.

At first I was responding to her little break up demands, when she saw that those weren't working she did something that she knew would cross the lines.

I needed her the most at that point in my life, and she vanished on me.

I wonder how supportive other people's exes were? I realize that it's easy to do the little things (but even those might be loaded towards their needs).

I don't want to be jaded towards the future, I don't want to fundamentally change who I am, but I also have to start putting myself first!

Fix my codependent ways.

[peacefulmind]

It's a nice feeling to start to come out of the fog and realize what your relationship really was like! I'm starting to see the dynamics at play.

That being said I wonder how supportive your BPD ex really was?

My ex gf could do the little things, the hallmark cards, the backrubs, the nice verbal gestures, heck even small acts of kindness, but I see now that when I really needed support, when the attention was going to be taken away from her is when she initiated the break up.

At first I was responding to her little break up demands, when she saw that those weren't working she did something that she knew would cross the lines.

I needed her the most at that point in my life, and she vanished on me.

I wonder how supportive other people's exes were? I realize that it's easy to do the little things (but even those might be loaded towards their needs).

I don't want to be jaded towards the future, I don't want to fundamentally change who I am, but I also have to start putting myself first!

Fix my codependent ways.

My ex-BPD certainly was never supportive towards me. Everything I was doing in my life had zero interest to him/her, and it was really only what he/she wanted to do that mattered. If I changed the point of view and tried to make it about me, my needs, and my expectations, he/she would get upset with me and make me feel as if I was wrong in doing so. I used to send pictures of what I was doing at work to show exactly what kind of projects I was working on, to give him/her an idea of the labor associated with it. Not once was it commented on, and when I would ask about it, I would get a standard reply "Oh, yes I saw them... .Looks nice", and that would be it.

Just like you, my ST started right at the most crucial time in my life where I really needed the support and care from my ex. Guess that coupled with fear of engulfment made him/her run. So pathetic and tragic. That's one thing I will have a hard time forgiving.

[ZeusRLX]

One was not supportive at all, extremely selfish. She would feel sorry but wouldn't know what to say or do. She was a low functioning borderline.

Another one was more helpful.

The next one was a LOT more supportive. A lot of concrete actions to help and of course was terrific at romantic gifts and special moments, things like that. Credit where credit is due.

In my experience, borderlines CAN be supportive (though many are not) and when I needed anything, they genuinely cared/tried to help. Was that supportiveness part of the overall manipulative game though? I'm inclined to say yes, even though they were not aware of it.

So I'm inclined to say that they CAN be supportive but only as part of an overall manipulative fantasy that is generated by this highly complex, destructive but also utterly fascinating disease.

So in my experience they can be supportive but you're still probably going to be miserable if you stay with one.

[lawman79]

Mine ex gf was supportive or helpful.  In fact when I was going through a tough time (faced a layoff at my job), she took the oppertunity to kick me while I was down and added anything that was diffciult in my life to her list of insults she would sling during her rages. We could spends days talking about her problems, but god help me if I was having a rough time. 

Towards the end of the relationship, I told her I do so much for you and you never do anything for me.  She responded by saying that I don't do EVERYTHING she asks but I do most... .and that I don't need ANYTHING so that's why she never helps me.  I told her that a minimum I needed her to not do hurtful things for no reason.  Her response... .well that's the way I am. 

Least supportive and most selfish person I ever met. 

[LeonVa]

Well, mine did support me in terms of things she also liked. For instance, kitchen renovation, I was short on money, so she gave me $6k and I paid back at a later time, she didn't push for it.

or my elderly parents needed some help on some medical stuff, she's pretty good at it as she helped her mom went through a lot of medical stuff, she helped us understand it all.

However, on other stuffs, in terms of work together like a team, like a couple, she wasn't. It was all about me, me, me. I asked her for understanding & time, but no. When she wants something, it has to be done, no support there. That's fine, but don't cause drama on a month to month basis, no support there.

[Madison66]

I can definitely relate to many of the other comments in this thread.  My uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years had so much chaos in her life that she couldn't possibly support me and my life.  She also lacked empathy and couldn't seem to see beyond her own needs much of the time.  I adjusted to the "half relationship", but grew more frustrated as she demanded more of my time and attention.

I recall about two years in when I was working in T to start taking care of myself and stopping jumping every time my ex gf yelled "jump".  My ex gf came right out and told me that felt like downgrading our r/s because it wasn't suiting her needs.  There was absolutely no thought about my feelings or needs.  The shell of a r/s began to crack at that point.

The next year was a tough one for me.  My teen D was hospitalized before the summer and had a long recovery.  My ex gf tried to support me, but it was obvious to me she was doing so to keep my attention.  She couldn't hide her jealousy and resentment of my daughter, saying and doing some things that were really messed up.  Then, during that same summer my mom was struggling with memory loss and was eventually diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  I remember getting the word from family back in my home state one morning that my mom had been officially diagnosed and was already in stage 3-4.  We had a couple's T session that day and I said in the session that I was completely fried that day and really wasn't with it.  My ex gf tried to push some points in the session and I just wasn't good to deal with it.  When I got home, I had a conference call with my siblings to attempt to come up with plans for the care of my mom.  It was extremely tough!  My ex gf called right after and wanted to meet to discuss the T session that day because she was feeling emotionally needy (my assessment).  She came to my house that night at midnight, leaving her young kids alone at her house, and proceeded to have a rage meltdown when I told her I was too exhausted to talk.  She was "hollow eyed" and all wigged out, and screamed at me before storming out yelling "I hope you sleep well tonight because I won't!".  Yeah, really supportive - NOT!  She easily justified her actions at the next T session and even worked the T for sympathy.  Within a couple months, I left the r/s for good.

I understand now that she didn't have the capacity to participate in an adult reciprocating love r/s in the form that I wanted and needed.  I allowed this to become my norm and then became more and more frustrated by her words, actions, non actions, etc.  I sold myself completely short and so the question of if she was really supportive is a non issue.  It is that simple... .

[Trog]

Not at all.

This week whenever I've thought about my ex I've done two things and it helps

1) if I remember the words, how much she loved me, we were meant to be, she's lost without me etc, I stop myself and instead think of her actions and how I felt during those actions. For someone who felt like that she sure treated me like shiv and never lifted a finger in our marriage to keep it alive as well as active sabotage. Words really do get you terribly stuck

2) instead of constantly batting down the pain, letting it rise and listening to my complaints. They are always the same, they are like a nagging child who wants to be heard but actually doesn't have anything that important to say. I'm hoping to wear the child out. Especially if the child can do more of #1

I'd be surprised if any BPD person, unmediated is even capable of supporting anyone

[cosmonaut]

What I've come to realize is that pwBPD by and large are just not in a position to be able to offer much emotional support.  This is almost certainly one way the relationship will be very one sided.  We have to understand just how hard it is for a pwBPD to make it through a normal day.  To live in constant shame and self-hatred.  To feel perpetually out of control and victimized.  To engage in impulsive behaviors and then hate themselves for it.  To push away the people they love.  That's an awful, awful lot for any one person to deal with.  The truth is that most pwBPD have so much on their plate already, that they don't have much left in the tank for us.

My ex really did try to be supportive and there were times she was beautifully so.  But there were also many times when I really could have used some emotional support and she just didn't have it to give.  I've come to accept that it's not her fault.  She's not a bad person.  She's not even a selfish person.  Just a disordered person.  She has too much already going on.  It's a full-time job just trying to keep herself going.  I am convinced that it is necessary for the non BPD partner to be the rock in a BPD relationship.  It's hard going in any case, probably, but I believe that element is crucial.

[Tay25]

Interesting question. My BPDex would also do a lot of the small things: backrubs, fix my hangnails, lend me money when needed, but really wasn't there for me for anything else. I feel as though she did these things just to keep up the persona that she cared about me, when really she just cared about having someone around to meet her needs.

when the attention was going to be taken away from her is when she initiated the break up.

It's funny you say this because my ex would always tell me I need to change, then when I brought up the changes I have been doing and making, she got upset. I think it was because of exactly what you just said, she didn't want me to take the attention off of her and onto myself.

[spottydog]

My husband was not supportive in any way. He would not comfort me when I was upset. He said he couldn't deal with me  crying. It would either make him even angrier or he would just walk out and leave me to it. If I asked for support in doing things around the house he would just say no. He would say he had worked hard all week and couldn't do any more than he was already doing.  (which was nothing to help me. ) He would also say that even if he wasn't here I would still have to do it all so what was I moaning about  ? His lack of support caused major arguments in our marriage, and he would pretend he didn't know what support was... .even though I had explained many times. Then he would just accuse me of trying to cause trouble.  Apparently  I thrive on the drama ! I have been what feels like a single parent with 3 children for too long. The oldest 'child' will be leaving soon. I hope... .

[rg1976]

Supportive?   What's that?  Not just no, but never.  Only in the beginning and when she wanted something, maybe.

In fact, it was like this:

I realized that it is healthy to have people in your life, friends, who are sources of support, so I made it a point to not allow myself to be isolated, and those are the friendships that she tried so very hard to destroy.

It didn't work, and all of those friends told me that she was totally crazy and I should run.  I should have listened.

She said:  "You shouldn't need any other sources of support except me."

And she was totally unwilling or unable to provide any type of support.

It was totally my problem for even tolerating that kind of non-sense for even a second.

[LonelyChild]

My ex-BPD certainly was never supportive towards me. Everything I was doing in my life had zero interest to him/her, and it was really only what he/she wanted to do that mattered. If I changed the point of view and tried to make it about me, my needs, and my expectations, he/she would get upset with me and make me feel as if I was wrong in doing so.

Same. My uBPDxgf was never supportive. In ANY way. The few times that I was upset and needed her emotionally, she went "do you think I'm some effing psychologist?" Everything was about her. She accused me of not letting her into my life. Not telling her what went on etc. But whenever I did, she didn't want to listen more than 10 secs, then started talking about herself.

She never once washed the clothes. She never once did the dishes. I think she cooked for me once i three years. She never cleaned my/our apartment. She never paid for anything. Basically she sat on her as on my couch feeling sorry for herself, crying now and then, and raging at me for not committing enough to our r/s.

[Trog]

This is an interesting topic. Support is simply a given in a healthy relationship and is reciprical - I'd say for all of us it's something we need to look out for early doors in our next relationship and not tolerate a life without support or a life that is all about another person.

A question - I would notice my ex not only not support me, but at times deliberately sabotage me and often cause me further pain when she could see I was down. They say BPd and NPD are often hand in hand as I assume kicking you when you are down is not BPD?

[LonelyChild]

A question - I would notice my ex not only not support me, but at times deliberately sabotage me and often cause me further pain when she could see I was down. They say BPd and NPD are often hand in hand as I assume kicking you when you are down is not BPD?

My ex did this as well. (I think both our exes have way more problems than just BPD.) Sometimes in subtle ways. Sometimes in outright brutal ways.

[Trog]

A question - I would notice my ex not only not support me, but at times deliberately sabotage me and often cause me further pain when she could see I was down. They say BPd and NPD are often hand in hand as I assume kicking you when you are down is not BPD?

My ex did this as well. (I think both our exes have way more problems than just BPD.) Sometimes in subtle ways. Sometimes in outright brutal ways.

My ex is schitzo-effective, co morbid with 'a' or more than one PD. I am less interested now than some time ago on which PD that is but am sometimes curious. The truth is... .It doesn't really matter. These are not behaviours I should have ignored or swept under the carpet for a quiet life. How are you today?

[LonelyChild]

A question - I would notice my ex not only not support me, but at times deliberately sabotage me and often cause me further pain when she could see I was down. They say BPd and NPD are often hand in hand as I assume kicking you when you are down is not BPD?

My ex did this as well. (I think both our exes have way more problems than just BPD.) Sometimes in subtle ways. Sometimes in outright brutal ways.

My ex is schitzo-effective, co morbid with 'a' or more than one PD. I am less interested now than some time ago on which PD that is but am sometimes curious. The truth is... .It doesn't really matter. These are not behaviours I should have ignored or swept under the carpet for a quiet life. How are you today?

Thanks for asking. Not well. Ex is psychotic. She lost her footing in reality. She thinks people are spying on her. That her mom and I are having an affair. Hallucinating birds, she says. Don't know if she's telling the truth or not.

Wrote this in another thread a while back:

My ex (see my first post for more info):

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20027920

12/13

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568

12/12

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/basics/symptoms/con-20030111

Cluster A

Paranoid 8/8

Schizoid 4-5/6

Schizotypal 2/7

Cluster B

Antisocial 9/9

Borderline 9/9

Histrionic 6/7

Narcissistic 8/8

Cluster C

Avoidant 3/6

Dependent 4/8

Obsessive-compulsive 2/8



Says a lot... .she's extremely disturbed. Currently, she's locked up in a mental institution, and has been for about one month now.

She's been locked up for over five weeks now. Things are getting worse. A part of me hope she decide to ends her misery soon. It would be very hard to deal with, but at least all of this comes to an end.

[Trog]

Hey LC,

My ex would also hallucinate animals, foxes, snakes, gerbils - it sounds funny until you live with it. My ex would accuse me of hurting or hiding fake animals, I used to find this so tedious because her emotions seemed to really believe they were there and she would shout at me about utter nonsense when psychotic. I get the not believing bit, I found my ex could switch this whole fantasy on or off depending on who was around. So part of her knew it wasn't acceptable. I never could figure out if she was 'lying' either.

I am in the state i got into because i took personal responsibility (and she gave it) for my ex mental wellbeing. You can't do that. You truly are not responsible for her, her health or anything. Can you get away for the day and spend it doing something you love? Get into nature and try to get some perspective? Living with crazy sends your normal-ometer completely off whack. It's impossoble to be in peace around this nonsense

[LonelyChild]

Hey LC,

My ex would also hallucinate animals, foxes, snakes, gerbils - it sounds funny until you live with it. My ex would accuse me of hurting or hiding fake animals, I used to find this so tedious because her emotions seemed to really believe they were there and she would shout at me about utter nonsense when psychotic. I get the not believing bit, I found my ex could switch this whole fantasy on or off depending on who was around. So part of her knew it wasn't acceptable. I never could figure out if she was 'lying' either.

I am in the state i got into because i took personal responsibility (and she gave it) for my ex mental wellbeing. You can't do that. You truly are not responsible for her, her health or anything. Can you get away for the day and spend it doing something you love? Get into nature and try to get some perspective? Living with crazy sends your normal-ometer completely off whack. It's impossoble to be in peace around this nonsense

Yes. That's why I can't believe anything she claims. She can switch it off in a second when she has to. I don't think you can if it's real. I *think* the hallucinations are not real. They are fantasized, and they convince themselves of them to gain attention, affection etc. People with real hallucinatory problems cannot switch them off at will, to my knowledge.

I'm going to uni in a second, so I think I'll be ok for the day. I feel very lonely without her though.

And yeah, I've told one friend about the hallucinations. He found it a bit funny as well, not problematic. As you said, it might seem funny, but it is absolute hell to live with. Especially when there is no way to tell if she's being honest with it or not. I think the distrust plays a huge role. If she was being sincere, saying she needs calm and help to sort the hallucinations out etc, it would be more believable. But she uses them for affection, deflection, misleading, attention etc. Which does not feel sincere. Whenever focus is on something that is not to her likings, it is very conventient to hallucinate animals or people or sounds... .

Edit: What about you? Where are you now, emotionally? Are you well? Or still destroyed? Are you in a new r/s?

[Trog]

I found these hallucinations also came during stress, when her mum died and when we miscarried so real events trigger the behaviour, whether it's acting out behaviour or real psychosis I really don't knoe. If it's not real it's incredibly cruel and selfish to those around they are supposed to love. She would say the most horrendous hurtful things when psychotic but as they are psychotic people around tell you not to pay attention. Still it hurts though. Then they deny they ever said it, so your feelings are invalidated. It's a form of torture if it is done knowingly, to deny reality, a painful inflicted reality, it is actually used to brainwash and break people/prisoners. I know that will sound dramatic to those who haven't been thru it.

[dobie]

At first the first few years she was pretty good , encouraged me to go to uni helped with my sick dad

That soon ended if I got I'll she got annoyed , anything she did around the house was "because I couldent do it properly " resentment etc

Any support she offered she soon turned it around and used it as ammunition or just sat there resenting me over anything she had agreed to help with .

Final discard she told me she had not cared about my job or carer in over a year I would sit with her every night for hours consoling , advising , on all mater of things

She even brought up how six years ago she had made me eggs at 3am because I was hungry  .


If I spent 10 minutes talking about me she switched off .

All she cared about in the end even six months out was how much more money she had spent than me on our house , holidays etc anything she did for me was I see now a form of solidifying my bond to her .

Looking back the whole r/s was about her and her needs she got more empowered and selfish the more love , maturity and energy I put into the r/s

Hard truth is the whole r/s was about her her needs , her feelings , wants etc

Total self absorbed selfish manipulative user

[BorisAcusio]

Borderlines spend a majority of their time in the Detached Protector mode, a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality.

“In the Detached Protector mode, the [borderline] patient shuts off all emotions, disconnects from others, and functions like a machine”.

Because of the tremendous investment made in the self-in the need to be self-contained, self-sufficient, and self-reliant there is inevitable interference in the desire and ability to feel another person's experience, to be empathic and sensitive. Often these things seem secondary, a luxury that has to await securing one's own defensive, safe position. The subjective experience is one of loss of affect. For some patients, the loss of affect is present to such a degree that the insensitivity becomes manifest in the extreme as cynicism, callousness, or even cruelty. The patient appears to have no awareness of how his or her comments or actions affect and hurt other people.

A similar assessment can be applied to the borderline personality disorder. Guntrip did not use this label, but he described many patients with the intense hostility, chaos, disorganization, overwhelming anxiety, and intensely devaluing and idealizing object relationships so characteristic of borderline psychopathology. Without detailed examination of the various symptoms of borderline psychopathology, Guntrip made clear that all these features were desperate efforts by the ego both to form such minimal object contact as the patient was capable of making, and to protect itself from being overwhelmed by any object contact. All the characterological features of borderline pathology were seen by Guntrip as symptoms of either the longing for merger or the fear of loss of the ego via withdrawal.

[BorisAcusio]

They say BPd and NPD are often hand in hand as I assume kicking you when you are down is not BPD?

The N word - and lately sociopathy - is pulled out anytime someone refers to some of the worst behaviors a pwBPD may have, like they aren't capable of callous behaviour.

Failure to work through the depressive position leads to a regression to the paranoid-schizoid position. During such regression, the child's harsh superego is projected back outside, so that excessive guilt can be avoided at the expense of reemerging early persecutory fears. These persecutory fears, in turn, justify the deflection of aggressive impulses out onto persecutory bad objects (Klein, 1940, 1952; Rosenfeld. 1965; Kernberg, 1980).

[going places]

It's a nice feeling to start to come out of the fog and realize what your relationship really was like! I'm starting to see the dynamics at play.

That being said I wonder how supportive your BPD ex really was?

My ex gf could do the little things, the hallmark cards, the backrubs, the nice verbal gestures, heck even small acts of kindness, but I see now that when I really needed support, when the attention was going to be taken away from her is when she initiated the break up.

At first I was responding to her little break up demands, when she saw that those weren't working she did something that she knew would cross the lines.

I needed her the most at that point in my life, and she vanished on me.



I wonder how supportive other people's exes were? I realize that it's easy to do the little things (but even those might be loaded towards their needs).

I don't want to be jaded towards the future, I don't want to fundamentally change who I am, but I also have to start putting myself first!

Fix my codependent ways.

That is when I really started to heal and move forward, when I really started to let go of the anger... .

Yeah, I was angry at him for what he did... .

But I was FURIOUS at myself for being such a blind fool.

When I began to look at the past, with logic, facts, and without the 'rose colored glasses'... .

He was 'never' there... .the very FEW things he did, were ultimately for his benefit.

The things he did and said; never matched his actions.

I have been doing it 'alone' for 25 years. What he provided was financial and that's about it.

Nothing emotional. Nothing relational.

No, he was never truly really, supportive. Ever.

Example.

I had double viral pnemonia, with a blood borne infection.

Went to the ER with a 105.5 and climbing fever.

Spent 4 days in the hospital. Fever never came lower than 102.0

Missed my youngest child's birthday... .

He visited me once a day in the hospital.

When I came home, the doc said absolutely NOTHING strenuious... .no lifting kids, no vacuuming, nothing.

Wanted me at home on the couch resting, for 5 days, then report back to him.

Told the ex in the hospital room he did NOT want to release me from the hospital (I insisted) but it was imparitive that I rested.

The day after I got home, all 3 kids came down with some virus.

(3, 5, 6) Coming out both ends, high fevers, etc.

Ex, laid on the couch 'with a head ache' while I took care of the kids, cleaned floors, did endless laundry, cooked meal, gave baths, etc.

He laid on the couch watching TV with a 'head ache'.

One of a gazillion examples.

BUT it's THOSE moments, I would go back too when my 'rose colored glasses' would slip onto my nose.

Remind myself what is TRUE and REAL, not what I 'want it to be' or "felt like it was".

[Dr56]

Final discard she told me she had not cared about my job or carer in over a year I would sit with her every night for hours consoling , advising , on all mater of things

She even brought up how six years ago she had made me eggs at 3am because I was hungry  .

@dobie - I also got the "I don't care about your work at all, and never really did" when my SO moved out; of course, I she expected me to be an unceasing source of comfort about her career ups and downs, and she would accuse me of not being attentive or undestanding enough if I dared ask a question the wrong way, or in the wrong tone of voice. One time well before the B/U she said something like, "You take no interest in my work at all," so I replied with, "Can you name three of my coworkers?" She couldn't even name two. But if I ever forgot minute personal details of her coworkers, oh man, there was hell to pay . . .

Similar to your eggs story, when she was moving out she complained about a time 5 years before when I was majorly jet lagged for a few days after a whirlwind work trip to Southest Asia where I spent about 50 hours on planes in the course of a week. She said something like, "I just couldn't deal with you being jet-lagged back then. It made me miserable to have to put up with that."

[Trog]

My wife couldn't tell you what I do all day, my job title or duties. And nicely enough, whilst not even knowing, told me I had no skills at all only a talent for self promotion.

What a treasure 

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Supportive? Hhmpph, not consistently like most people you call supportive.

Initially my ExBP was helpful/kind at times, (about 10%) the rest of the time he would be sabotaging every single aspect of my life/work/friendships/family relationships/interests/hobbies/personal obligations.

His only concern was himself, his thoughts, his health, his feelings, his needs. The most selfish person I have EVER had the misfortune to meet.

[dobie]

Final discard she told me she had not cared about my job or carer in over a year I would sit with her every night for hours consoling , advising , on all mater of things

She even brought up how six years ago she had made me eggs at 3am because I was hungry  .

@dobie - I also got the "I don't care about your work at all, and never really did" when my SO moved out; of course, I she expected me to be an unceasing source of comfort about her career ups and downs, and she would accuse me of not being attentive or undestanding enough if I dared ask a question the wrong way, or in the wrong tone of voice. One time well before the B/U she said something like, "You take no interest in my work at all," so I replied with, "Can you name three of my coworkers?" She couldn't even name two. But if I ever forgot minute personal details of her coworkers, oh man, there was hell to pay . . .

Similar to your eggs story, when she was moving out she complained about a time 5 years before when I was majorly jet lagged for a few days after a whirlwind work trip to Southest Asia where I spent about 50 hours on planes in the course of a week. She said something like, "I just couldn't deal with you being jet-lagged back then. It made me miserable to have to put up with that."

Jesus were we dating the Same woman ?   if after two hours of listening to her gripes I dared avert my eyes or make a tea I was accused of not "caring"

I think her finest moment was xmass 2013 which I spent in intensive care with my father (she of course spent the day with her family) he had a 50/50 chance of surviving a few weeks later I found her crying when I asked what was wrong she said "I know its selfish but I don't want your father to get I'll again and ruin our holiday"

Yeah I'm the douchebag poor baby 

[Bassoutcast]

Great question, hmm... .let's see... .:

-Parents split up during the r/s. She didn't show much interest in it, but let me stay the night at her place while her parents were on a week-long vacation (I'm 20, she's 19). I ended up taking care of her, making food for her, and being happy there was someone who listened while I cried (in retrospect she didn't show much empathy, just listened, which was enough for me b/c talking things out really helps me).

-I have a band and been working on material and really believing in it. She showed some interest at first, but in retrospect most of the time it happened when I started talking about it. She never initiated a talk about it, things like "how was your rehearsal?" or "Have you guys written anything new?" would be nice, but nothing. She's an artist and I really loved her art and often asked about new paintings.

-I have developed paranoia in the r/s, mainly because of my parents splitting up and fearing she'd do the same to me, and of course her suicide attempt which I prevented, after she promised me she would never harm herself again. At first she tried to somehow help me with it but eventually it was one of her main excuses to break up with me. Sorry for worrying about you being suicidal.

Those are the main examples I have. It only lasted a little less than 4 months so I haven't had that much time to see more of it.