Did your exBPD came home and show off?

[LeonVa]

It's weird. Since we separated, I felt nothing but peace, but last night, I had dreams about her all night. It was weird.

So that reminded me of some details.  Did you ex ever came back home and told you about the flings she had at work?  Mine did.

She would often come back home and tell me about this and that male coworkers tried to hit on her, send her emails, fun videos and all that. I was confident and also, just didn't cared much, I guess I never felt she would cheat, she's the flirting type (even though she says she never flirt, that's just how she talks to people).

At some points, I did get annoyed though. I'd tell her, you know, it's really strange for a wife to come home and tell the husband about these things. You need to keep it to yourself.  I guess I was setting my boundaries.  She'd stop for a period and then tell me about this and that again.

Any of this happened to you before?

[ZeusRLX]

Usually they flaunt other men after the break upbut thats just my experience.

I think if they think they can get away with it, they will do it... .

[Dr56]

She would often come back home and tell me about this and that male coworkers tried to hit on her, send her emails, fun videos and all that. I was confident and also, just didn't cared much, I guess I never felt she would cheat, she's the flirting type

Yeah, I encountered similar things, a bit less blatant from how it sounds, but like you, I felt confident enough not to get caught up in it. She'd then accuse me of being passionless when I didn't blindly erupt in rage over her flirtatiousness, but honestly, my reaction didn't make a difference. On those occasions when I was genuinely upset or hurt about something she did, she just dug in even further and blamed her actions on me.

She would also come home and tell me about how her coworkers were more caring and emotionally available to her than I was. Out of nowhere she'd say things like, "[Name a coworker of any gender] expresses so much more care and interest in me and my needs than you do," and would cite tons of examples of how caring, attentive, and affectionate her co-workers were, and how cold and emotionless I was. Oh, and then, a day or two later, she would paint these same co-workers black and come home and complain and seek my advice for dealing with them (and then would invariably criticize my response and listening skills, and the whole cycle would repeat all over again, when she compared me to so-and-so at the office who is such a good listener . . .)

I think she mistook daily office socializing and goofing off for intimacy (probably easy enough for nons too), and was angry because what I was offering was genuine intimacy, which left her feeling vulnerable and terrified. I don't think it even occurred to her in the slightest that it may in fact be easier to get along with coworkers than a spouse much of the time precisely because there is so much less at stake. As my confidence and boundaries grew, her tendency to paint me black by trying to get under my skin about this kind of stuff only seemed to multiply.  

[zundertowz]

My ex talked an awful lot about guy "friends" from her past during the very beginning of our relationship... .then towards the end when she was FBing with guys... .It was almost like she was saying look at how many guys I can get.  It was a huge red flag I ignored... .it was like she was trying to make me jealous or impress me in at the start... .very strange I sure did ignore alot of red flags.

[LeonVa]

She would often come back home and tell me about this and that male coworkers tried to hit on her, send her emails, fun videos and all that. I was confident and also, just didn't cared much, I guess I never felt she would cheat, she's the flirting type

Yeah, I encountered similar things, a bit less blatant from how it sounds, but like you, I felt confident enough not to get caught up in it. She'd then accuse me of being passionless when I didn't blindly erupt in rage over her flirtatiousness, but honestly, my reaction didn't make a difference. On those occasions when I was genuinely upset or hurt about something she did, she just dug in even further and blamed her actions on me.

She would also come home and tell me about how her coworkers were more caring and emotionally available to her than I was. Out of nowhere she'd say things like, "[Name a coworker of any gender] expresses so much more care and interest in me and my needs than you do," and would cite tons of examples of how caring, attentive, and affectionate her co-workers were, and how cold and emotionless I was. Oh, and then, a day or two later, she would paint these same co-workers black and come home and complain and seek my advice for dealing with them (and then would invariably criticize my response and listening skills, and the whole cycle would repeat all over again, when she compared me to so-and-so at the office who is such a good listener . . .)

I think she mistook daily office socializing and goofing off for intimacy (probably easy enough for nons too), and was angry because what I was offering was genuine intimacy, which left her feeling vulnerable and terrified. I don't think it even occurred to her in the slightest that it may in fact be easier to get along with coworkers than a spouse much of the time precisely because there is so much less at stake. As my confidence and boundaries grew, her tendency to paint me black by trying to get under my skin about this kind of stuff only seemed to multiply.  

That @DR56, was exactly how my wife responded. Not in the direct sense, but she would tell me how I'm heartless and I have no feelings. I just felt it was very childish, like high school girls trying to make their boyfriends jealous, forget that, more like middle school girls.

She would also paint the same guy who was so sweet and caring, later to completely black, how the guy is a weirdo and stalker-ish, makes her feel really uncomfortable and etc.

@zundertowz, my ex also at the very beginning of our relationship (7 years ago), talked about her high school guy friends.  At the time, I thought it was very odd for a 27 year old to still talk about what happened in her high school years. A big red flag I ignored.

[Tay25]

I did not live with my BPDex but yes, her self-aggrandizing statements were frequently there. Like you, I didn't think much of it and was pretty confident she wouldn't cheat on me. Only now do I see how manipulative this tactic really is.

Some things she would talk about are:

- all the guys touching her ass at the club

- guys trying to kiss her at the club

- guys hitting on her at work

- people telling her how pretty she is at work

She also started talking to a lot of guys at the end, trying to set up a replacement. They were mostly friends she met through work so I didn't think much of it. In the end it didn't work out for her, I guess they saw the red flags and ran.

[DyingLove]

My BPDgf, her job changed somewhat.  She worked as a medical receptionist for the longest time, probably 15 years or more, then the doctor sold out to a hospital. Her function basically remained the same, but her place of employment changed.  She initially worked for a female doctor.

With the job change, she worked for a male doctor.  So maybe nearing a year, she comes home one day telling me how the doctor pulled her aside and told her that she was doing an exceptional job and how the office has benefited by having her around.  I was happy for her and commented very positively too.  A couple of weeks later, she did the same thing, but this time I kinda question it... .I asked her if she thought it a little strange that the doctor was pulling her aside and being so friendly.  She became very upset about my reaction.  Like she was mad because I seemed jealous about the incident.  I did feel that she was being a little more forceful about pushing the incident on me.  I still don't know what to think.  Any thoughts on this from anyone?  I've never had any indication that she has ever cheated, but seems I've been "stupid" to BPD before.

[Dr56]

At the time, I thought it was very odd for a 27 year old to still talk about what happened in her high school years. A big red flag I ignored.

My ex and I met in our early 20s, so back then I certainly didn't think it odd that she talked about guys from high school and her first two years of college a lot. By the time we reached our mid to late 20s, she was still doing it, and while I found it a bit annoying, I suppose I saw some sense in it, if those dudes were still her main frame of reference before me. I did even get a bit jealous and upset sometimes when she'd compare me to them over and over, and she thrived on on that response.

Let's just say that by the time we reached our 30s, and she was still going on about the boyfriend she had during her 6 month semester abroad in 2003, I wasn't interested in humoring her any more. This drove her absolutely nuts. "You have no passion in you at all!" I think this is around the time I began to intuit that our relationship was headed for the rocks. 

[zundertowz]

At the time, I thought it was very odd for a 27 year old to still talk about what happened in her high school years. A big red flag I ignored.

My ex and I met in our early 20s, so back then I certainly didn't think it odd that she talked about guys from high school and her first two years of college a lot. By the time we reached our mid to late 20s, she was still doing it, and while I found it a bit annoying, I suppose I saw some sense in it, if those dudes were still her main frame of reference before me. I did even get a bit jealous and upset sometimes when she'd compare me to them over and over, and she thrived on on that response.

Let's just say that by the time we reached our 30s, and she was still going on about the boyfriend she had during her 6 month semester abroad in 2003, I wasn't interested in humoring her any more. This drove her absolutely nuts. "You have no passion in you at all!" I think this is around the time I began to intuit that our relationship was headed for the rocks. 

My ex was 33 when I met her and was still talking about "friends" from high school and in her 20s... .knowing what I know now about her I'm guessing these were guys she couldn't conquer so the idealization just continued... .guys like myself who actually loved her and took care of her kids were just conquered and devoured... .damn why didn't I run?

[Dr56]

She became very upset about my reaction.  Like she was mad because I seemed jealous about the incident.

@DyingLove, I never encountered this specific reaction; certainly won't judge whether your ex might have cheated in this case. But what I can say is that my ex, for all her insisting I was passionless and clueless, could be a horrible judge of intentions in men. She liked to pass herself off as this master seductress but in fact I think she was actually pretty naive. It's probably indicative of a person who themselves has very flimsy, immature boundaries and consequently is a poor judge of other people's boundaries, or lack thereof.

Much of the flirting she'd do and flaunt in my face was with guys whom I regarded as absolutely no threat at all, which is why I often didn't care. My indifference would drive her insane. But then she would tell me from time to time about an interaction with a male coworker or acquaintance, and I would ask her if anything was up. She'd say kinda horrified, "Of course not, we're just friends. It was completely professional." When I would recount the story along with her and point out how it was pretty obvious the guy was trying to get in her pants, she would seem genuinely shocked that this "friend" might have other intentions. When I expressed concern about how these guys were behaving around her, she didn't get mad at me, but she also didn't seem to be trying to stir up jealously in me like she blatantly did on plenty of other occasions. After a few of of those "friend" encounters over the years, she subsequently withdrew from those friendships, and in at least one instance I can think of, had HR at her work get involved with the guy when it began to get uncomfortable.

Like you, I often wondered if I was just stupid and blind, but to be honest, I think she has a really silly, adolescent understanding of friendship and intimacy. This is the same person after all who in her 30s tried to get me riled up about her semester abroad boyfriend from 12 years before. At that point, I could still barely remember the names of most the girls I'd been with before her (she took this as another sign of my being dull, claiming that if I was really interested in her after 10 years together, I would try and make her more jealous of all the girls from my past).

[Trog]

All the time. She would tell me she had been to a place and people 'asked her for sex' or that she had been molested in the street. Firstly, I don't believe her, secondly if she did have all this male attention why does she feel the need to tell me? Ive been hit on when she's not around, I wouldn't tell her as it would make a person feel insecure.

Bleurgh, hated that behaviour. Look at me, I'm so hot. Whatever

[apollotech]

My ex talked an awful lot about guy "friends" from her past during the very beginning of our relationship... .then towards the end when she was FBing with guys... .It was almost like she was saying look at how many guys I can get.  It was a huge red flag I ignored... .it was like she was trying to make me jealous or impress me in at the start... .very strange I sure did ignore alot of red flags.

That, like the other examples posted on this thread, is BPD attachment testing. A pwBPD always checks his/her attachments. Any response (not responding is a response) creates a no win scenario: If you don't respond you don't love them. If you do respond you are controlling. Either response places the fault on the Non while absolving the pwBPD of all wrongdoing. Hence, the no win scenario.

[llor]

During the relationship she would tell me all the time that this guy or this guy flirted with her.

After the relationship for a while I was living under the same roof with my ex wBPD. While we were buying stuff to get the house sold, she started telling my stories about guys she was dating, who she was f***-ing in vivid details.

Not fun and the worst part and that she could'nt understand why I was upset and would'nt talk to her for a while afterwards.

Altought I am no better and lowered myself to her level; one girl I had a one-night with left me with copious amount of back scratches which I made sure she saw.

I now realize it was stupid as it implied to ehr that I still cared about her. Which I did not want to imply at all.