Is this possessive and territorial behaviour from my BPDexgf?

[Nextinline]

This one is difficult to explain and very difficult for me to understand and rationalise.

I have been separated from my exGF for 11 weeks who, in my opinion based on the research that I have done, demonstrates the majority of behaviours indicated in a BPD/NPD profile.

I went "no contact" 10 days ago as a result of another abusive outburst where she hit me with the "I am getting married" to the guy that she has known for a few weeks.

After she discovered that I had blocked her she went into an emotional meltdown and found another way to reach out to me. All of her interactions with me, SMS and email, were begging me to unblock her. She was telling me that she loved me, she couldn't live without me in her life, that she would die if she could not talk to me and see me when she needed to. The outcome of this episode was that I relented with the NC rule and opened up phone access again. There is no social media access at all. She can only reach me by SMS and email, or a phone call which are few and far between.

The rules that I had put in place was that any exchange had to be constructive with no blame apportioning, no escalation and no anger. Any time those lines were crossed would mean that she would be blocked again, but this time it would be permanent. My responses to any of her questions have been very simple with Yes/No, Please/Thanks type answers. I do not ask her how she is or anything about her.

So, last night I get an SMS from her, asking about some medical test results that I recently had. It was a reasonably amicable exchange although it started to take a severe downward turn. She said that I seemed "happy" based on the tone of my responses. I, in, turn said that I was just relaxed and chilled.

She then responded by asking me if there was anything that I needed to tell her. I said "no, not that I am aware of." The response from her was "are you seeing someone" and she immediately then asked if I was seeing a previous ex-girlfriend that she loathes for no apparent reason.

I said, in terms of being honest and transparent, that I had been out for a drink with someone that I had been introduced to.

Well, then it all started! She said "but you said you loved me. You said you wanted me back. You said you would love me to you die. I can't believe that you are over me so soon. I can't believe that you have given up on us. I can't believe that you have moved on and are now blocking me out of your mind. I bet one of your friends put you up to this. I always knew he hated me. I bet he is so happy that I am out of your life".

None of that was a rational response.

She had no response when I said to her that she had already moved on, was with another guy and was going to get married to him.

So she then called me. She wanted to know if the woman I went out with was attractive, if she was young, did I like her... .etc etc.

So the conversation got around to her new man. She said she was confused, she didn't know what she wanted. That he was smitten with her from the moment that met and that he is the one who said he wants to marry her. She said that no one is asking her about what she wants or how she feels about it. She said it is not necessarily what she wants. She then dropped this... ."he is broke. he has less money than I(her) do. He has nothing. He doesn't earn a lot of money. So I am not going out with someone who is driving a Ferrari and lives in a mansion".

She then downplayed how much time she spent with him and what they did. Because she has moved home with her mother (as a 43 year old woman) she was then saying how she hates it and can't stand it and wants to get out but can't afford it.

So I am confused here about the messages. It seems that whilst she is allowed to see people, I am not. Just because this guy says (after a few weeks) that he wants to marry her, doesn't mean that she wants to do that. And the biggest take out for me is that this guy can't fund the lifestyle that she had with me so that is producing a huge red flag for her as to what she does with the new guy. I think this is a big ego trip for her but maybe the shiny new penny is losing his lustre.

It tells me that she is having a fling with this guy to stroke her own ego and it will run out of steam pretty quickly, most likely because of her narcissistic needs that he does not have the money to fund.

Can you guys enlighten me here as to what was the storm I ran into last night? Am I dealing with a person showing signs of BPD? Is she being rational at all? How do I deal with this other than going NC? What is the message that she is trying to give me? Am I reading too much into this?

Thank you all in advance for you kindness and wisdom in guiding me through this difficult time.

[mitatsu]

My friend your story echos mine and lots of others here and your best option is strict no contact as any form of conversation with dis-ordered ex's ends up in word salad confusion

they have no rules of normality and you will end up being drawn into drama and having your healing set back

stay strong  stay silent 

[ZeusRLX]

Can you guys enlighten me here as to what was the storm I ran into last night? Am I dealing with a person showing signs of BPD? Is she being rational at all? How do I deal with this other than going NC? What is the message that she is trying to give me? Am I reading too much into this?

Thank you all in advance for you kindness and wisdom in guiding me through this difficult time.

Typical BPD craziness. Yes, I have been through the same exact thing.

There is only one way to deal with BPD to avoid being manipulated and being pulled back in... .and that is... .NC whatsoever no matter what.

She is very sick and she has no idea what she is doing, in my experience trying to understand what they are doing is like trying to understand the logic of the stumblings of a drunken person.

For me it was easier when I stopped trying to figure it out or reason with those that can't be reasoned with, accepted it was a severe personality disorder, that I couldn't fix it and the best thing I could do was go NC and move on with my life.

[Mutt]

Well, then it all started! She said "but you said you loved me. You said you wanted me back. You said you would love me to you die. I can't believe that you are over me so soon. I can't believe that you have given up on us. I can't believe that you have moved on and are now blocking me out of your mind. I bet one of your friends put you up to this. I always knew he hated me. I bet he is so happy that I am out of your life".

I can understand how confusing this is. I think this is borderline personality disorder and cognitive distortions.

I can't believe that you are over me so soon.

I can't believe that you have given up on us.

I can't believe that you have moved on and are now blocking me out of your mind.

I took these three examples of how her message absolves herself of responsibility; dichotomous thinking and the futility in her message. The cognitive distortions are the result of stressful life situation and maladaptive coping skills like projection.

The cognitive distortions are the result of maladaptive coping skills and I think that you have projection and all or nothing thinking in her texts. She's also getting married which can be very stressful;  it sounds to me like she doesn't know what she needs and sometimes a pwBPD expect others to interpret what they need. I also think she may be looking for rescue.

[Nextinline]

Thank you all so much for your kind and understanding responses.

My sense was that she is in some pain and she is not coping with any of this.

My challenge is now to stay strong and not be drawn back into thinking that I can find a solution for the problems that she herself created.

Had she not have left then perhaps some of these things may have been able to be resolved... .BUT... .everything I have learned here and discovered tells me that it cannot be fixed... .UNLESS... .there is some very intense therapy that she herself admits to undertake... .BUT... .as she externalises all problems to be caused by someone else and takes no responsibility for them then she will never understand or recognise her own situation.

I find this to be such a sad situation... .there are no winners in this... .everyone comes out a loser.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

[Mutt]

BPD is a spectrum disorder and some people are self aware and may seek therapy. What is displayed to you is displayed to the T as well, I think it's staying in therapy that may be the greater challenge. I agree that you cannot help someone that does not want to be helped; you have to want to help yourself.

[Nextinline]

BPD is a spectrum disorder and some people are self aware and may seek therapy. What is displayed to you is displayed to the T as well, I think it's staying in therapy that may be the greater challenge. I agree that you cannot help someone that does not want to be helped; you have to want to help yourself.

Thanks Mutt. I appreciate you wisdom and advice.

For her own future happiness, I would like to believe that one day she will get the assistance that she needs to help her come to terms with this destructive behaviour.