Sometimes I'm just too tired...

[thefixermom]

D38 has been talking a lot to me and I appreciate it.  She likes to share every detail, both the mundane and the interesting and often while I'm in the middle of things. I know how quickly she can flip the switch to "ignore" so I do my best to listen and pay attention, validate, and take care with my responses.  Yesterday, I spent the entire day helping her finish an important project that was physically demanding and I was exhausted at the end of the day.  This morning I wanted to catch up on my own work but I did listen for a good while in the midst of that while she repeated things we'd already talked about at length. She left on an errand, returned and started talking again. I gave light acknowledgment but frankly was just too tired to be "on" for her.  She noticed and said, "Are you even listening to me?" Drats, I was busted. I told her I was tired and she said, "No, you're not, you're just doing that thing where you get me interested in talking so you can deliberately shut me down!" and huffed off to her room to wall herself in.  I hate for her to be feeling this rejection but I couldn't summons the energy for the attention she needed.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

Same thing happens with my son and me. We can only give so much. I try to coordinate our schedules so that I have time for him, but also get done what I need and have some time to just rest.  I tell him what I need to do, but have learned that I don't need to explain or justify what I do. That escalates into something bad if I fall into the trap. When we have our time together, I give him my attention. He almost always finds fault with something I say or do or didn't say or do. I ignore that as much as possible. It usually passes in a short while. Still we have some really great talks and share what's going on in our lives. He's not a good listener so it's him talking more than me. But it's good as long as I block out time for me.

[lbjnltx]

Fixermom,

Our kids have high rejection sensitivity.  They are also highly perceptive... .then we walk on eggshells.

Faking it won't work.  Being honest can, there may be some fallout and it's ok.  Using I feel and I need statements is a great skill to model as well as practice to help ourselves.

Something like:

"I want to be here for you and listen to what you have to share with me, what you say is important.  I understand how it feels like rejection when you don't feel like I'm paying attention. I feel really tired and unable to provide my undivided attention to you right now and I need to have some quiet time."

This is SET format with validation.  You can follow with validating questions to provide a way for her to self soothe while meeting your own needs.   Something like:

"I would like to talk again later,  can we chat while we fix dinner together tonight?" or "Can we take a break and chill together watching a movie?"

She may still huff off to her room... .that's ok.  We have to be willing to have distress tolerance without guilt for meeting our own needs.

lbj

[thefixermom]

You both are right... .about their sensitivity and being highly perceptive and fault finding.  I never feel real around my D, even when I am being real because I know I'm feeling the need to be aware and careful with her.  I would love to make the statements suggested but I don't get more than two or three words out before she cuts in abruptly and loudly to dismiss me and tell me I'm lying, etc.  I don't take it personally for the most part. It's hard to chase away the shame she projects but I do and soon enough she does circle back around again because she can't go long without wanting to talk about her life.  Thankfully, once I've recharged my batteries, I can be the listener she needs.  Funny, though, how she goes after me if I say something I've already said once. Definitely not a two way street. 

I also notice that she mocks my voice a lot and tells me to talk deeper or not "sound so nice."  She accuses me of being phony when I am talking on the phone or to friends.  She will stop many conversations to tell me that I'm no using my real voice.

[livednlearned]

I also notice that she mocks my voice a lot and tells me to talk deeper or not "sound so nice."  She accuses me of being phony when I am talking on the phone or to friends.  She will stop many conversations to tell me that I'm no using my real voice.

My son does a version of this. When he starts (what feels to me like) relentless criticism, I have to stop and pause. Then ask him if he is doing ok. I have to be a little vulnerable during these moments, and also grounded, not the easiest combination. This is where I try to be curious about what's happening, and not reactive.

I suspect he is struggling with his own self-loathing and is projecting it on me, almost like he's testing to see how I deal with criticism. In these moments, I ask him if he is doing ok, and usually I see a fleeting look on his face that tells me he needs something he can't put into words.

These interactions feel complex to me. I'm trying to show him that I know his comments are in some way about him. I'm also trying to show that I'm open and vulnerable to hearing what he says, and that the way it's coming in hurts. I also have to be grounded and let him now that we're good, I'm good, we're doing ok and I'm able to go through this whatever it is we're doing. And that it would be easier if he could label the feelings.

When I let him criticize me, or become defensive, I sense this odd feeling of disappointment from him. Not exactly that he wants me to be defensive -- I know he doesn't want that. It's like he wants me to be strong in these moments and maybe even skillful. I need to help him figure out how to jujitsu his feelings so he can feel closer and not further away.

[js friend]

... .she goes after me if I say something I've already said once. Definitely not a two way street. 

I also notice that she mocks my voice a lot and tells me to talk deeper or not "sound so nice."  She accuses me of being phony when I am talking on the phone or to friends.  She will stop many conversations to tell me that I'm no using my real voice.

Fixermom, my dd20 does both of these things too.

dd has accused me of being fake, a poseur,an attention seeker and all the rest too which is funny as she seems to aspire to do many of the things i do now or have done in the past including work and travel. I know that she often finds me annoying but also admires due black and white thinking and a lack of self.

Conversations  with my dd20 are limited or strained often because she is reluctant to remove her headphones or even stop what  sheis doing to have a conversation.At the moment the best conversations  i have with her are on the phone and about GC other than that there are no pleasantries or little chit-chats. She just isnt interested about others lives and  cant stand to hear something she claims she has heard before.if i happen to repeat myself dd will remind me quite abruptly that she has heard it all before and that I have a story about EVERYTHING and cut me off mid sentence, yet I will always hear her out even when i know it is a blantant lie.

Another thing is, often she just doesnt  want to join in conversations. When she lived here at home we would often try to include dd in conversations... .like... ." what you you think dd" or "oh, youre good at that dd, arent you dd"  and she would go off to her room to be alone. She says that she likes her own company... .and I really think is schizoid type of personality and she actually does enjoy being alone. It now often worries how can having that  that type of personality work with 2 small children without them becoming isolated too, but thats another story.

... .And the mimicry I have had that  also lately, including my voice and gesture. I  know that it is projection but  I also think it is hurtful, rude and disrespectful... .Iam not without feelings and I want my dd to be aware for that... .Iam not sure she has much empathy but ive still told her how hurtful it so she has calmed down on doing it now.Actually she hasnt done it for the past few months.But when she did do it I would  know it is time to end the conversation.I know it is projection but sometimes my dd just goes too far and I just wont except rudeness.It it against my values to be rude and dd knows this, by saying nothing other than ackknowledging that she is upset with me for me was like me not acknowledging my own feelings. I think dealing with it straight away worked and dd realised it was unacceptable and we both knew where we stood and shutting that behaviour down straight away worked for me.