Help: Abandonment fears and subsequent manipulation?

[rise_up]

Help. My brother who lives about 1300 miles away was in a car wreck and requires surgery. Since he has other health conditions I want to be closer to him and his wife and 12 month old baby since he will be given general anesthesia.

A bit of background: my family does not accept my SO because we are a same sex couple. It has been hard over the last few years balancing all of this... .truthfully I have avoided conflict. My family doesn't come to visit me and have their heads in the sand about all of it. I also have a normal routine with my SO (even with her BPD ups and downs) and try to keep the peace.

My SO was very comforting when I first told her about his accident. She even said "go be with him if you need to". I said I need more information before making a decision... .if he will be under anesthesia I would want to go. When I confirmed earlier today that I will be traveling,  My SO lost it over the phone.

She demeaned me and said "so you're spending money to fly over there just over a broken leg that needs surgery? What's next? You will be going there If he has a runny nose?"

I'm already feeling stressed- no this isn't completely life threatening but it's also not just a runny nose either.

She got increasingly upset because I haven't done anything to repair the tension that exists between myself and my family and how it impacts my SO... .she is right about that. She continued to shout at me and say that any normal partner in this situation would make the right decision and invite her to come with me. I am not comfortable with that right now and she says I'm a coward and will not be married to it. I just feel put in a very tough spot. It was stupid of me to believe her yesterday when she was comforting and said I should go if I need to. I also feel manipulated.  I'm supposed to fly out in 24 hrs. And my SO might threaten to leave because I'm not "stepping up". Any guidance? I feel so anxious that I feel nauseous  

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[rise_up]

Please help, this is a repost. Since this post I arrived home from work and my SO wBPD is still raging. She threw her ring away and demanded I do the same. After banging things around and screaming that I'm a selfish coward she said that once I come back from seeing my brother I will find a 'nice surprise'. She didn't tell me what but I've figured out from credit card transactions that she is staying at a hotel the week I return. She said I'm the worst mistake that I had many options to do the right thing which all nivolved traveling to see my brother with his 'stupid broken leg' yet I still chose my selfish decision. She is channeling her abandonment issues onto me saying I'm ashamed of her and I'm homophobic. I don't agree - this is not a leisure vacation it's a medical issue.And mine to deal with. If she came along I think she would just stress me out more by being so volatile.

She has said she wants to punch me and spit in my face because that's how she feels.

She has explicitly threatened divorce. Part of me is angry because of her reactions. Part of me is shattered because I don't intend to hurt her and I love her and have been working on myself if she leaves I will lose a really important person in my life that I love . Another part is almost relieved if she leaves because I can heal.

If someone out there could please reply with anything I just need some support on handling this at the moment and some voices of clarity on steps to take.

Help. My brother who lives about 1300 miles away was in a car wreck and requires surgery. Since he has other health conditions I want to be closer to him and his wife and 12 month old baby since he will be given general anesthesia.

A bit of background: my family does not accept my SO because we are a same sex couple. It has been hard over the last few years balancing all of this... .truthfully I have avoided conflict. My family doesn't come to visit me and have their heads in the sand about all of it. I also have a normal routine with my SO (even with her BPD ups and downs) and try to keep the peace.

My SO was very comforting when I first told her about his accident. She even said "go be with him if you need to". I said I need more information before making a decision... .if he will be under anesthesia I would want to go. When I confirmed earlier today that I will be traveling,  My SO lost it over the phone.

She demeaned me and said "so you're spending money to fly over there just over a broken leg that needs surgery? What's next? You will be going there If he has a runny nose?"

I'm already feeling stressed- no this isn't completely life threatening but it's also not just a runny nose either.

She got increasingly upset because I haven't done anything to repair the tension that exists between myself and my family and how it impacts my SO... .she is right about that. She continued to shout at me and say that any normal partner in this situation would make the right decision and invite her to come with me. I am not comfortable with that right now and she says I'm a coward and will not be married to it. I just feel put in a very tough spot. It was stupid of me to believe her yesterday when she was comforting and said I should go if I need to. I also feel manipulated.  I'm supposed to fly out in 24 hrs. And my SO might threaten to leave because I'm not "stepping up". Any guidance? I feel so anxious that I feel nauseous  

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, rise_up 

How are things right now? Is your wife still at home with you? Are things still volatile? Are you still flying out tomorrow?

I'm really sorry that she is having such a dysregulation over this... .Have you tried validating her feelings of being abandoned if you leave, and shut out by your family (which is why she wouldn't be going with you)? These seem to be the things that have triggered her anger, right?

I'm here tonight if you want to talk, riseup 

[rise_up]

Thank you for your reply.

Things right now are the same. After slamming doors I exited for 30 mins this is an established boundary. She said I don't care what you do.

I just got back and now she is alone on the deck crying.

You are right, I think the triggers are abandonment but I'm fearful of bringing this up even to validate because it will get thrown back at me with venom.

She has been explosive in the past but the situation right now feels 100 times worse.

I would appreciate further guidance Rapt Reader

[Rapt Reader]

I'm sorry, rise_up... .

When you say "thrown in your face", do you mean that she will get angry and yell at you? By her being "explosive" do you mean she will have uncontrollable anger? Would she be abusive to you? Are you afraid of getting hurt?

Or would she be basically verbally combative?

[rise_up]

I don't think she would physically hit me. Verbally combative and anger is more so what i predict. She will slam things and stomp.

[Rapt Reader]

If you feel that you are safe with her--aside from having to deal with her angry words and demeanor--then if you can try to see the situation from her point of view (whether you agree with her opinion of you or not), then you can disentangle yourself from the drama and validate her feelings. Try to not take what she is saying personally; it's NOT about YOU, rise_up; it's about how she feels. And if you can calmly let her know that you sympathize with her feelings, be empathetic to her point of view, and let her know that you care about how she feels, it could calm her down... .

Do you think you would be able to separate your own feelings from her dysregulation, and then see it from her eyes? And let her know you understand her, and that you care about how she feels?

[rise_up]

I feel like I can do those things... .She's currently playing "break up" music out there.

If I say I care I will get met with "if you did you wouldn't do this"

[Rapt Reader]

That's OK... .Let her say what she needs to... .

Listen to her compassionately, nod your head sympathetically, and make sure she knows you understand what she is saying.

If my Husband left town to attend to a family member in crisis, but wouldn't take me because his family didn't value me, I would feel worthless or bereft, too... .She is entitled to her feelings about this, and entitled to be upset.

You don't have to take her with you, but need to let her know you understand this.

After the sympathy--in your words, the way you look at her and talk to her--and the empathy (let her know you can see how and why she feels this way; you would probably feel the same way if it happened to you... .), you will need to gently tell her the truth: You've made the plans, and truly feel the need to help him and his family out... .Maybe let her know that now that you understand, you will try to figure out a way to make peace between her and your family, so this won't happen again in the future? Give her some hope?

[rise_up]

That makes sense. Before I could approach her she came out and started screaming again... .that I didn't come check on her. She threw a wad of tissues in my face and then threw a cup against the wall and threw dining chairs around. I left again for 15 mins. I'm outside now. As I walked out I said I'll be back in 15. She lost it screaming. I didn't act fast enough... .

[Rapt Reader]

I'm sorry about that... .

When you go back in, could you try what we've been talking about?

At this point, if you can be detached from the drama enough to do it, listening and nodding and validating and being compassionate could calm the situation.

If not, you haven't lost anything, right? 

What do you think? 

[rise_up]

I'm going back in now... .I will let you know how it goes

I can't begin to express how grateful I am for your support

[Rapt Reader]

Good luck, rise_up 

I'll be praying for you 

[rise_up]

Well I went back in and tried out compassion. She certainly calmed her voice down but her feelings were still present which is fine. She said I made the wrong decision by not inviting her and that she wouldn't have even interfered with me supporting my family she would have been fine in a hotel. She said my decision to go on my own was me making her feel invisible. While I validated whole heartedly but I still think it would be a bad idea for her to come because it's my issue, she would be volatile and controlling and she probably would have felt invisible anyway. She said I was being selfish and that I'm a horrible person with no values.

I guess that is selfish. But I needed to stand my ground. I didn't react strongly to her words and did not take things personally... .she caught that and mocked me "look how calm you are!"

She belittled me for leaving because she yelled and threw things (even punched a hole in the wall... .that's a first) she said she is ashamed of her actions but more furious that I made her act crazy.

What is true is that in at least 3 previous instances over the last few years I have had to see my family due to health reasons... .and she felt invisible then and it's true that I made bad decisions about consistently communicating with her then. She said "3 strikes... .I'm not doing a fourth" and proceeded to reiterate how done she is, how I'm the biggest mistake and how disgusting I am for not caring.

I truly feel numb at this point. I haven't even packed yet and she's going to be stomping around the house when I do so in the morning (my suitcase and clothes are in the bedroom and she is sleeping now I don't think I can even do it now)

I'm at a loss. I believe that she is done with me... .

I may need to start posting on the "detaching" board soon.

[DreamerGirl]

Hi rise_up, I'm sorry to hear how hard this is for you.

I know how hard it is when their emotions are ruling the universe.

The way I see it is, she is feeling very neglected.  I think she maybe feels she has been there with you and supported you through your family not really acknowledging your relationship with her, kind of like partners in crime, then suddenly, she feels you are ditching her to be with your brother and leaving her behind, like she is not important.

That's just my take on this, and I do know with BPD they sure can over-react, but i know I would also feel pretty upset if my SO left me at home if he had a family medical crisis and didn't want me by his side.

I hope it all goes well.

[Rapt Reader]

I hope you made it safely to the hospital, rise_up, and that your brother is doing well and will be healed soon... .I'm sure your presence there is a comfort for him and his family. How are you doing?

I do agree with DreamerGirl that your wife is probably feeling neglected and left out... .I know that no one is happy feeling that way, so her pain is pretty understandable.

Well I went back in and tried out compassion. She certainly calmed her voice down but her feelings were still present which is fine. She said I made the wrong decision by not inviting her and that she wouldn't have even interfered with me supporting my family she would have been fine in a hotel. She said my decision to go on my own was me making her feel invisible. While I validated whole heartedly but I still think it would be a bad idea for her to come because it's my issue, she would be volatile and controlling and she probably would have felt invisible anyway. She said I was being selfish and that I'm a horrible person with no values.

I guess that is selfish. But I needed to stand my ground. I didn't react strongly to her words and did not take things personally... .

What is true is that in at least 3 previous instances over the last few years I have had to see my family due to health reasons... .and she felt invisible then and it's true that I made bad decisions about consistently communicating with her then. She said "3 strikes... .I'm not doing a fourth" and proceeded to reiterate how done she is, how I'm the biggest mistake and how disgusting I am for not caring.

I truly feel numb at this point.

I'm wondering if--after this all cools down, and you are back home--you might be able to figure out how to mitigate your family dynamic in some way that makes her happier? Are there ways for you to smooth a path to your family accepting her which would most likely help her self-esteem and make your relationship better? If she sees no hope for the future but a continual rejection by your family, it really would be harder for her to stay with you if that is what you want. What do you think?

I hope you have a productive stay with your family, and a safe trip home, rise_up