Do you care about what your ex is doing day to day?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Guys,

I do not consider myself fully healed from my relationship & breakup, I still wonder what the hell I was thinking and feel sad that I've lost the dream (for now) of having a wife and children. I'm alone, and whilst I date a little, I'm very self conscious of the fact I participated in such a messed up relationship. I've self isolated to an extreme (moved countries) and am reading lots and looking into my past as these caretaker themes run right from early childhood. The relationship from beginning to end was hugely painful and I'm keen never to repeat. I'm pretty obsessed with this theme right now in my personal life and over*thinking it can cause me more pain. BUT... .

I never consider how my ex may be, I don't check her facebook, I don't enquire with her friends, I have no desire to know if she is OK and I never ponder on what or who she may be seeing or if she is well, happy or sad. And almost from day 1 of the breakup... .I never have! So why am I still here?

I ask this question to try to see how many of us remain here but actually don't think about our exes welfare at all. I hope I'm not the only one! Lets see!

[Trog]

Hi Guys,

I do not consider myself fully healed from my relationship & breakup, I still wonder what the hell I was thinking and feel sad that I've lost the dream (for now) of having a wife and children. I'm alone, and whilst I date a little, I'm very self conscious of the fact I participated in such a messed up relationship. I've self isolated to an extreme (moved countries) and am reading lots and looking into my past as these caretaker themes run right from early childhood. The relationship from beginning to end was hugely painful and I'm keen never to repeat. I'm pretty obsessed with this theme right now in my personal life and over*thinking it can cause me more pain. BUT... .

I never consider how my ex may be, I don't check her facebook, I don't enquire with her friends, I have no desire to know if she is OK and I never ponder on what or who she may be seeing or if she is well, happy or sad. And almost from day 1 of the breakup... .I never have! So why am I still here?

I ask this question to try to see how many of us remain here but actually don't think about our exes welfare at all. I hope I'm not the only one! Lets see!

[cosmonaut]

Personally, I do.  I wish my ex was still a part of my life.  I wonder what's she's up to and how she's doing.  I think I'm at the point I've accepted that it's over between us for good.  I guess I'm OK with that, even though if a miracle would happen and she would recover I'd be with her in a second.  I've accepted reality, though.  I still love her.  I want her to be happy and well.  I want her to beat her disorder.  I just can't be a part of that.

I have absolutely no contact with her at all.  She doesn't do social media in any way, we live on opposite ends of a large city, and we have no common friends anymore.  So, we are now living two completely separate lives.  I do wish she was in my life.  I miss her.

Maybe others can give you some feedback on those who prefer to have nothing to do with their ex.  I think it is an intensely personal decision and one without any wrong or right answer.  Interested in what others feel.

[FannyB]

My attitude is similar to Cosmonaut's. I don't care what my ex is doing - nor who she's doing. But I do care how she's doing as I love her and want the best for her. Heard this week that she wasn't well physically - and I felt an overwhelming compulsion to look after her.   Back on an even keel now though.  This is so much tougher than it ought to be, but they do burrow their way in deep! 

[zundertowz]

I made up my mind while in the relationship that if she kicked me out again ( she kicked me out twice before ) that I was done.  I do not care what shes doing or who she is with.  I have not had a problem with no contact and havnet checked up on her on FB.  My 3 year live in relationship turned so abusive and bizarre that I probably have PTSD... .which is why it so helpfull to post and read on these boards.  I still think about it everyday close to 60 days out and miss her kids but I dont care what shes doing and would never think for a second about going back to that hell.

[sirensong65]

I do unfortunately think about him DAILY and wonder what he is doing and if he is happy with the "thing" he is with... .

Their life is SO 180 from what he had with me.  She is very low class, nude pictures of her all over the internet, she makes fetish videos for sale on EBay.  She tweets her "wish list" of gifts she would like to receive to her fan base and then posts pictures of the stuff strangers buy and send to her.  I cannot process how the person I thought was Soo boy-next-door conservative and the perfect mate for me can be proud and so happy to live this lifestyle he is doing SO publicly.

I feel no love or desire to have him back. Especially now.  I am in the resentment stage.

[clydegriffith]

I don't care how she's doing and won't pretend to wish her the best. I will be delighted by any bad news and bad luck that comes her way and i've got my popcorn ready waiting for the next disaster she's due for.

[Trog]

My attitude is similar to Cosmonaut's. I don't care what my ex is doing - nor who she's doing. But I do care how she's doing as I love her and want the best for her. Heard this week that she wasn't well physically - and I felt an overwhelming compulsion to look after her.   Back on an even keel now though.  This is so much tougher than it ought to be, but they do burrow their way in deep! 

Last I heard from my ex, she was depressed and on medication for depression. That sounds like a sad thing, as I read it, I know and understand its a sad thing, but I just don't care. However, I am still here. Maybe holding onto anger and too angry to care. Caring for her brought me to the lowest point in my life where I even contemplated suicide, at this point, I have just lost the capacity to feel anything in terms of empathy towards her. I don't wish her ill, I shouldn't like to hear she is unhappy, but knowing nothing suits perfectly and I have 0 desire to know how she is. I haven't inquired into her health despite knowing this. I know the old me would care.

[FannyB]

Trog

I think our feelings may be in direct proportion to where our ex is on the BPD spectrum. Mine was quiet and lovely for the most part, but frustratingly would sabotage all of her relationships in time. She hurt and confused me - but there was none of the bats**'t crazy stuff that others on these boards have experienced. If there was I'm pretty sure I wouldn't give a damn about her now either. 

[DyingLove]

I still don't think I know who I am.  I know who I was, but who I am eludes me.  Today I had a great feeling with my son. We talked business and it all made sense.  When I was with the ex, she never believed in me.  I was a businessman for at least the prior 17 years before our relationship began, and no one that was involved with me and my ex in her state, believed that I could go into business for myself.  MAN!  Not one of them believed in me.  I was attempting to start my business online (previously had a copy center/sign shop) for the betterment of my new family.  I used to ask her how she would like to spend the rest of her days raising her child with plenty of personal time, and taking care of her flower bed (she always wanted a garden).  I wanted to give her exactly the wonderful things she wanted and dreamed of (choking up thinking about this).  At one point I think she gestured positively to the thought. Never again did she even think about our future together.  So today, one of the best inspirations I have it the "I TOLD YOU SO" inspiration. When I become successful as I had intended too, well, I'll probably have found that woman that wants to be with me and loves me for exactly who and what I am.

Yes I think about what she's doing,  I am sad for her sometimes because she threw so much away by killing our relationship. We had such potential. Sagittarius and Aries are the perfect match.

And by the way, the time I wanted to spend working on my online business was curtailed with aggravation from the BPD issues, problems with her child, problems with her dysfuntional family, disbelief in me, her inability to stand aside me and help me make our dreams come true, problems with her ex, even problems stemming from her job. I was always there for her, at times I drove her to work and waited in the car or area for her to get off work. There were problems everywhere. If I had a good day, it was needed to REST because I was mentally exhausted from her.  Even in the "half dead" state I'm still in now, I've gotten so much done working towards my goal of working online.  It's still in production, but what I did in several months I couldn't do in four years with her. Shame on her for being so selfish. It was all about her. BPD or not.  I feel I'm getting better, somewhat over things a little- but when the rollercoaster comes, and it does, it takes my breath away worse than ever.

[Trog]

Trog

I think our feelings may be in direct proportion to where our ex is on the BPD spectrum. Mine was quiet and lovely for the most part, but frustratingly would sabotage all of her relationships in time. She hurt and confused me - but there was none of the bats**'t crazy stuff that others on these boards have experienced. If there was I'm pretty sure I wouldn't give a damn about her now either. 

Good point! If you've seen my posts you'll know my ex was psychotic and abusive... .perhaps its then totally healthy not to give a monkeys how she is after the crazy I've been through. Thanks, shows how ingrained the caretaker in me is that I'm confused to not care!

[ZeusRLX]

I'm indifferent to how they are doing.

Curious but indifferent.

But curious in a way I'm curious of all the people I have known. There are many ex classmates and friends I have lost touch with who I'd be curious to know what happened to them.

Same way I'm curious what's happening to my exes.

As far as why I'm here, I have dated many BPD's and will probably date more so I'm here to learn more about the disorder that I have been around for so long and to give support to others who are going through what I have went through.

[Mr Hollande]

Not really. She may be with the replacement, she may be with someone else. She may be happy (as far as is possible for someone with her condition) or she may be utterly miserable. Regardless of what, I know her demise is around the corner. It may be happening as I type, it may happen in ten years but it's coming. Do I care? Well since I'm writing about it, to an extent yes I care. Does the idea of her living, breathing, evolving, loving, crashing and burning and the rest bother me? Not really.

My life is ultimately my life and it's OK. It has nothing to do with her. What she's up to is her problem.

[once removed]

trog, you may care less or even be indifferent as to what shes doing. you may be feeling an increasing need to work on yourself, and im hard pressed to name a better board to do so 

[Sunfl0wer]

I generally don't wonder what he is doing throughout the day.  Occasionally, I have noticed my thoughts wander there and as I do I question myself and what my point is for thinking that way.  Usually I can not come up with any helpful reason to indulge in that thinking, therefore I switch thoughts.

My ex is high functioning, only shows N/BPD traits within home environment.  I'm certain had he been more acting out BPD behaviors, I'd think even less about his daily actions.

The reason I'm here is because the b/u of the r/s has caused me to need to talk about my experience in order to heal.  Many folks after a regular b/u like to chat with friends about things, to help themselves process what happened and learn from there. Because of the unique nature of the r/s dynamic... .  I find it uncomfortable talking to anyone who has not been in this type of r/s.  The average person could think I'm crazy or lying as they either misunderstand my account, or think I'm crazy for being with him.  I want to connect here with people I can be honest with, chatting online offers anonymity.  bpdfamily offers people who understand immediately what it is I'm dealing with, we have a mutual language such as "love bombing," "split black," etc. I was sent to this site from another r/s support site, from a gal who recognized that I was dealing with a pwBPD-like traits.  Back at that site, the feedback I was getting was a bit off the mark.  They rarely could relate to my experience and I was becoming frustrated and feeling odd, wondering again: "Is it me? Maybe I'm a bit crazy?" Because I found myself needing to over explain things... .which made me question myself.

Having others not understand what I am going through really sucks! It especially sucks because that is what it often felt like being in that r/s.  I often felt unseen.

[dobie]

According to fb (i don't look anymore) she is doing great friends , holidays , new replacment .

it makes me sick to think of her dating other guys tbh all those lies she told me

i realise now she was never my.partner or her friend i was her supply

but yes i miss and still love her ( i think)

[runningup]

According to fb (i don't look anymore) she is doing great friends , holidays , new replacment .

it makes me sick to think of her dating other guys tbh all those lies she told me

i realise now she was never my.partner or her friend i was her supply

but yes i miss and still love her ( i think)

DITTO!

[mitatsu]

in the early days yeah i did... .but with the help of this board and RA i've learned that it matters to think of yourself and accept that all that was was indeed a sham but i enjoyed it drama and all and life is a tapestry and precious and who knows whats round that there corner

big hugs to all of ya enjoy the journey as we aint getting out alive 

[going places]

I do not know and I do not care.

Honestly, I think it would set me back 100 miles in 'recovery' if I did know.

I go OUT of my way to make sure I do not "run into him" in public.

I do not look on line for anything to do with him; he is blocked from ALL social media.

I do NOT think he would try to contact me (for any reason), and that is FINE with me! Makes my job easier to avoid him like the Plague until I move out of state.

I don't care what he does, where he does it or who he does it with.

He is a monster, and he is in my past.

I view him in the 'rear view mirror of life"... .small and behind me... .and the more forward progress I make the smaller and further behind me he is... .until he is GONE! :-)

[DyingLove]

Even though I commented earlier there's still a bunch of things I would like to comment on.

I never gave it much thought, but after speaking to a friend I realized that my ex was very high functioning. Most of what she had revealed itself behind closed doors with me, and obviously she did things from me also until they just outright exploded. Maybe that's what makes moving on and cutting the strings so difficult. Because in many ways she mimicked somebody who was wonderful, and for lack of a better way of putting it, normal. In other ways the red flags popped up which in the very beginning I never saw. Sometimes while you're driving down the highway you need somebody to bring things to your attention several times before you see them. Driving down the BPD highway I don't think is much different.

I think that I am curious and I do wonder what's going on with her because I can't move on. Don't get me wrong I am moving on but I haven't got to the point where everything behind me is nearly meaningless. It seems to be very very difficult to get to that point. I think back on an ex-wife and the thought of her does not upset me at all. Okay well some of the things that she did to me does upset me but thinking back on the loss in the time involved doesn't make me feel angry with myself.

Reading the post from sunflower made me get in the mood to write this. A lot of things that she said, hit the nail on the head. Not wondering what he is doing but observing the fact that we are thinking about it is kind of what I do also. Usually when I get to that realization I become very emotional. I think some of my emotional reaction is because I am so pent up with things and not letting them out like I should. When I cry it really is a river. I also agree with her as far as the audience that we speak to. You could see it in someone's eyes that if they haven't experienced a mental illness or a personality disorder they really can't understand where were coming from. Then once you find somebody who does understand, their eyes get wide open and they listen and actually here what you've gone through. There is much value in this website, or better yet the people that are here on this website. You can't put a price on that value.

Facebook is really a useful tool, but it's a double-edged sword. It's a horrible place to be when you're thinking about what has transpired in your life and who has been with you, because let's face it most of us who had exes have been on Facebook one way or another together or even separate. Facebook seems to be the place to go when there's nothing else to do, maybe just like a babysitter. But there's so much to go wrong in so many bad feelings to rekindle, at least in my life.

[SWLSR]

trog

My ex is the mother of my children I do try to keep up with her parenting skills which leave alot to be desired.  As for how she is doing I resigned myself awhile back that if she does not seriously change her ways her story is going to have a tragic ending.  She is either going to take her life, or her unhealthy life style is going catch up with her, or she is going to end up in jail with one of her hair brained schemes.  When we were together I gave my all to help her, now I have no emotions left for her.

[Trog]

trog, you may care less or even be indifferent as to what shes doing. you may be feeling an increasing need to work on yourself, and im hard pressed to name a better board to do so 

I remember when I first came here, the 'gift of BPD' (the idea that the BPD is holding a mirror to you and the pain in the learning/suffering about yourself that is forced by being in the relationship forces you to become a better/authentic/whole/happy person) made me want to puke.

All I felt was ripped off. I felt I could have gone a thousand lifetimes and not been unlucky enough to meet such a cruel person. But I really see now, she was the straw that broke the back of my fabricated world. Where I was strong enough to take all problems, where I parented my parents, where it shielded my unwell wife from the worlds troubles, I was great person! And I didn't get anything back but scraps of affection. I didn't even realise anything was wrong!

Well it was dead wrong, I've cheated myself out of so many things and made myself far poorer into the bargain. It's created resentment, it's sacrificed my sense of sense and it's made the lives of those around me no better off because... .


"When you give to others to the degree that you sacrifice yourself, you make the other person a thief." —Iyanla Vanzant, paraphrasing A Course in Miracles.

It's right, this board is the only place where other people can truly understand. None of my friends or family really get it. They just roll their eyes and say 'why didn't you leave' or 'everyone could see it - why couldn't you' but I don't think they truly knew the level of my dysfunction or just how cruel and twisted my relationship was. There isn't much empathy out there, no one believes it, they think you're being dramatic, and I can understand. Who would want to believe there is an illness out there that causes people to hurt their nearest in this way.

[UserName69]

I really don't care about her, she's probably "in love" with an another guy. The only things I can think of she's doing now is harming herself and baiting a new guy by playing her games on him. I don't have any feelings for her I don't love her anymore. I have started to date an another girl, she's an angel compared to my ex. She made me realize what kind of loser/evil my ex is. I can't even believe I loved her in fact I don't like and love her. I know it sounds harsh but this is what I think and feel about her.

I decided to move on and I'm very happy she's not a part of my life anymore, I'm really enjoying life now. I really gave up on her and decided to improve my life. She really isn't worth it, if you still think about your ex that means she still controls you. So I'm pretty over her, even if I would meet her someday I would ignore her.

I don't care how she's doing and won't pretend to wish her the best. I will be delighted by any bad news and bad luck that comes her way and i've got my popcorn ready waiting for the next disaster she's due for.

Amen to that 

[Vatz]

I don't really miss mine. I reminisce, and occasionally think "what if." But knowing that the end was likely inevitable helps me be okay with her being gone.

I don't think of what she's doing. Its better that way. I don't want to know even the smallest detail. It serves no purpose. Sure I love her but its a long dead avenue.

It simply is what it is. In your life one moment, gone the next.

[DyingLove]

I don't really miss mine. I reminisce, and occasionally think "what if." But knowing that the end was likely inevitable helps me be okay with her being gone.

I don't think of what she's doing. Its better that way. I don't want to know even the smallest detail. It serves no purpose. Sure I love her but its a long dead avenue.

It simply is what it is. In your life one moment, gone the next.

Good way of putting it.  I think my train of thought is:  If you love the person, they remain in your life somehow (which obviously is true), but in this case, I don't want them to remain. Like a conflict of interest?

[FannyB]

but in this case, I don't want them to remain

DL

That's exactly it. Like many by-products of the disorder it defies the way we think 'things should be'. It's almost like we are de-programming ourselves after escaping from a cult! 

[confusedinWI]

I dont know if I care so much as lately I cant stop wondering what she is doing.

[DyingLove]

I dont know if I care so much as lately I cant stop wondering what she is doing.

So what you are saying is... .you may not care... .BUT you are still ruminating on what she is doing?   Do I understand this correctly?

I feel that:  It's a beautiful day, I'm wasting my time and spinning my wheels thinking about what she may be doing.  Almost like being hooked on a new tv show and you can't wait for the next episode. Only difference is that this show makes you cry and feel crappy, and guilty, and shamed, and lost, and lonely... .etc.

I am having a tremendously IMPOSSIBLE time cutting all the little strings and webs that keep me MENTALLY connected to her. I'm almost afraid to let it all go, but yet I know that is what I really need to do.  Maybe like the fear of trying a new food, or stepping out of a plane skydiving, maybe getting up in front of a group to speak.  I know that once you get past the initial fear, its like: Oh, that wasn't so bad.  But this is different, we are disconnecting from a human being that we love/loved.  I feel like I keep talking myself out of it.  What's wrong with me!

[Trog]

I dont know if I care so much as lately I cant stop wondering what she is doing.

So what you are saying is... .you may not care... .BUT you are still ruminating on what she is doing?   :)o I understand this correctly?

I feel that:  It's a beautiful day, I'm wasting my time and spinning my wheels thinking about what she may be doing.  Almost like being hooked on a new tv show and you can't wait for the next episode. Only difference is that this show makes you cry and feel crappy, and guilty, and shamed, and lost, and lonely... .etc.

I am having a tremendously IMPOSSIBLE time cutting all the little strings and webs that keep me MENTALLY connected to her. I'm almost afraid to let it all go, but yet I know that is what I really need to do.  Maybe like the fear of trying a new food, or stepping out of a plane skydiving, maybe getting up in front of a group to speak.  I know that once you get past the initial fear, its like: Oh, that wasn't so bad.  But this is different, we are disconnecting from a human being that we love/loved.  I feel like I keep talking myself out of it.  What's wrong with me!

The quote about being addicted to an upsetting TV show is hilarious!

However I think it's actually very apt. Many people are hooked on hote and violence in films and TV and they believe they love this stuff. They don't.

Up until recently I believed I truly loved my wife. However on reflection i didnt. You can't truly love a person who hurts and abuses you. You can be addicted, you can be bringing in your pathology and you may even believe that this is what love looks like. But it really doesn't. This is the good news. Somewhere along the way we learnt that love is hard, love hurts, love... .Punches you in the face even. Love is suffering. No. It really is not. This is our own construct. So for everyone reminiscing about the lost love (and its this feeling of failure and loss that is actually hurting us) maybe it's worth considering whether this was really love at all. Does he BPD truly love? I do not think so. Even married I wasn't special to my wife, I was just one of the few who would tolerate her so she clung into me for reasons of her own pathology.

Consider if you really think it was love, then you won't feel this loss that is the real thing that is stinging us

[DyingLove]

I dont know if I care so much as lately I cant stop wondering what she is doing.

So what you are saying is... .you may not care... .BUT you are still ruminating on what she is doing?   :)o I understand this correctly?

I feel that:  It's a beautiful day, I'm wasting my time and spinning my wheels thinking about what she may be doing.  Almost like being hooked on a new tv show and you can't wait for the next episode. Only difference is that this show makes you cry and feel crappy, and guilty, and shamed, and lost, and lonely... .etc.

I am having a tremendously IMPOSSIBLE time cutting all the little strings and webs that keep me MENTALLY connected to her. I'm almost afraid to let it all go, but yet I know that is what I really need to do.  Maybe like the fear of trying a new food, or stepping out of a plane skydiving, maybe getting up in front of a group to speak.  I know that once you get past the initial fear, its like: Oh, that wasn't so bad.  But this is different, we are disconnecting from a human being that we love/loved.  I feel like I keep talking myself out of it.  What's wrong with me!

The quote about being addicted to an upsetting TV show is hilarious!

However I think it's actually very apt. Many people are hooked on hote and violence in films and TV and they believe they love this stuff. They don't.

Up until recently I believed I truly loved my wife. However on reflection i didnt. You can't truly love a person who hurts and abuses you. You can be addicted, you can be bringing in your pathology and you may even believe that this is what love looks like. But it really doesn't. This is the good news. Somewhere along the way we learnt that love is hard, love hurts, love... .Punches you in the face even. Love is suffering. No. It really is not. This is our own construct. So for everyone reminiscing about the lost love (and its this feeling of failure and loss that is actually hurting us) maybe it's worth considering whether this was really love at all. Does he BPD truly love? I do not think so. Even married I wasn't special to my wife, I was just one of the few who would tolerate her so she clung into me for reasons of her own pathology.

Consider if you really think it was love, then you won't feel this loss that is the real thing that is stinging us

It was/is Love Trog.  I've gone over this thousands of times in my mind.  I try to trick myself into believing it wasn't ... .but real love floats up to the surface.

In my teens and early 20's, I smoked cigarettes.  I tried MANY TIME to quit.  I was hooked.  I hated smoking, I didn't like it one bit, but was addicted.  Some people I knew LIKED smoking.  I didn't.

Well, I do love my ex. But like losing a parent to death, I also know that I'm going to have to move on.  I know I will keep my love, and that scares me too.  Some of us really loved versus the illusion of love and addiction and mirroring.  I think us real lovers suffer terribly because of it.  There is no control except what we do to ourselves, and just like the death of a loved one, we can't get that back.

[Trog]

I dont know if I care so much as lately I cant stop wondering what she is doing.

So what you are saying is... .you may not care... .BUT you are still ruminating on what she is doing?   :)o I understand this correctly?

I feel that:  It's a beautiful day, I'm wasting my time and spinning my wheels thinking about what she may be doing.  Almost like being hooked on a new tv show and you can't wait for the next episode. Only difference is that this show makes you cry and feel crappy, and guilty, and shamed, and lost, and lonely... .etc.

I am having a tremendously IMPOSSIBLE time cutting all the little strings and webs that keep me MENTALLY connected to her. I'm almost afraid to let it all go, but yet I know that is what I really need to do.  Maybe like the fear of trying a new food, or stepping out of a plane skydiving, maybe getting up in front of a group to speak.  I know that once you get past the initial fear, its like: Oh, that wasn't so bad.  But this is different, we are disconnecting from a human being that we love/loved.  I feel like I keep talking myself out of it.  What's wrong with me!

The quote about being addicted to an upsetting TV show is hilarious!

However I think it's actually very apt. Many people are hooked on hote and violence in films and TV and they believe they love this stuff. They don't.

Up until recently I believed I truly loved my wife. However on reflection i didnt. You can't truly love a person who hurts and abuses you. You can be addicted, you can be bringing in your pathology and you may even believe that this is what love looks like. But it really doesn't. This is the good news. Somewhere along the way we learnt that love is hard, love hurts, love... .Punches you in the face even. Love is suffering. No. It really is not. This is our own construct. So for everyone reminiscing about the lost love (and its this feeling of failure and loss that is actually hurting us) maybe it's worth considering whether this was really love at all. Does he BPD truly love? I do not think so. Even married I wasn't special to my wife, I was just one of the few who would tolerate her so she clung into me for reasons of her own pathology.

Consider if you really think it was love, then you won't feel this loss that is the real thing that is stinging us

It was/is Love Trog.  I've gone over this thousands of times in my mind.  I try to trick myself into believing it wasn't ... .but real love floats up to the surface.

In my teens and early 20's, I smoked cigarettes.  I tried MANY TIME to quit.  I was hooked.  I hated smoking, I didn't like it one bit, but was addicted.  Some people I knew LIKED smoking.  I didn't.

Well, I do love my ex. But like losing a parent to death, I also know that I'm going to have to move on.  I know I will keep my love, and that scares me too.  Some of us really loved versus the illusion of love and addiction and mirroring.  I think us real lovers suffer terribly because of it.  There is no control except what we do to ourselves, and just like the death of a loved one, we can't get that back.

Well, I have no right to deny your reality, all I know is my truth. I believed I knew what love was, obviously or I wouldn't have married, but I also know I deserve someone well, who appreciates and values me, who doesn't abuse and manipulate me. I believe she can't do any better and for her, the crazy way she acted was her 'love', but it wasn't good enough for me. My ex was particularly unwell, so it's a story very personal to me as yours is to you.

You're right in that it's easier, especially a year out, for me, (others) who feels it was never 'love' as I understand it to me. If it was, yes, I'd be in turmoil. And while I believed that suffering=love I was in great turmoil.