First post "No contact"... -ish?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

My first post! I am so incredibly grateful for this site and the message boards.

Where I am now: I am living with my BPD ex, trying to disconnect fully. We have at least 6 more weeks of living together because of the lease.

How I got here:

We officially ended our romantic relationship last November (so 6 months ago), and it was a great relief on a major level. I stopped crying in the shower every day. We decided to continue to live together platonically until our lease was up, and then probably continue as platonic roommates in a new, two-bedroom place. We have a great time together when I have no relationship expectations on him, so it was working okay. (I see now that I was still trying to get my "he needs me; I'm saving him" needs met, under the illusion of "I am exceptionally understanding and compassionate and he benefits from being with me."

Last week, he went on his first post-us date. I thought I was semi-okay with it, because I truly do not want to be back with him. Afterwards, he told me he kissed her. I think my head actually spun. I started hyperventilating. Then I started crying. I cried for three days straight. I've been on a process of understanding why this cut me so deeply, and some answers are -

• I am a caretaker and I got pleasure out of making this poor creature's life better.



• I thought he appreciated all the sacrifices I had made and that needed me too. I expected loyalty - like, he would ask me first if it was okay if he started dating.



• I needed some closure that I realize I never got. I needed him to apologize for being so awful to me, to thank me for standing beside him no matter what. I needed to know it was all worth it.



• I had taken on his fears of abandonment. I had assumed, "Well, he can never leave me, so this is safe." I kept myself content with this sense of safety. We call each other "my family" and talk about how we will always be in each other's lives. I think that's out of fear on both our parts.
  
  
• It felt like the final cut that severed my ties to him. All I had left of this person I love was our closeness, our best-friend-ness, and now I don't have that. I got the worst parts of him, and he wants to give his best parts (the kisses, the patio dates in warm weather, the excitement over a new love) to someone else. I was supposed to get the rewards, because I earned them. She's spending from MY bank account.
  
  
  • I have feelings of "no one could be better for you than I was" - it's a rejection all over again as I see him choosing this new girl (and I do know why he does this - it got too deep with me, and now he needs someone with fewer expectations on him).
  
  
  
  
  
  Last night, I wrote him a note that said I'd be doing "no contact" as best I could while still living together. I packed a suitcase and stayed with a friend. It felt wonderful last night. I felt like it was the first time in our entire three years that I made a decision in MY best interest. No compromise for his needs, no fooling myself. I really want it. It's painful to talk to him about boring things like TV or the weather, it's painful to get any text from him (even neutral or caring ones), it's painful to think about him doing things with the new girl that we used to do. Everything related to him is painful and there's nothing left to get out of this relationship.
  
  My questions and challenges:
  
  (1) How can I comfort myself about his new relationship? I feel so betrayed, despite all my intellectual understanding of the situation.
  
  (2) How can I retain "no contact"-ish as we sort through money, the cat, moving? This has not been a vindictive ending, because we had ended the love relationship and agreed to work cooperatively. So it doesn't need to be a "leave in the middle of the night" sort of thing, but still, every interaction stings and I want to keep the hard line in place and keep distance until I can fully leave. If this had been a sudden break, I'd probably already be healing. I want to get to the other side without backsliding.

[dramateacher]

Hello everyone,

My first post! I am so incredibly grateful for this site and the message boards.

Where I am now: I am living with my BPD ex, trying to disconnect fully. We have at least 6 more weeks of living together because of the lease.

How I got here:

We officially ended our romantic relationship last November (so 6 months ago), and it was a great relief on a major level. I stopped crying in the shower every day. We decided to continue to live together platonically until our lease was up, and then probably continue as platonic roommates in a new, two-bedroom place. We have a great time together when I have no relationship expectations on him, so it was working okay. (I see now that I was still trying to get my "he needs me; I'm saving him" needs met, under the illusion of "I am exceptionally understanding and compassionate and he benefits from being with me."

Last week, he went on his first post-us date. I thought I was semi-okay with it, because I truly do not want to be back with him. Afterwards, he told me he kissed her. I think my head actually spun. I started hyperventilating. Then I started crying. I cried for three days straight. I've been on a process of understanding why this cut me so deeply, and some answers are -

• I am a caretaker and I got pleasure out of making this poor creature's life better.



• I thought he appreciated all the sacrifices I had made and that needed me too. I expected loyalty - like, he would ask me first if it was okay if he started dating.



• I needed some closure that I realize I never got. I needed him to apologize for being so awful to me, to thank me for standing beside him no matter what. I needed to know it was all worth it.



• I had taken on his fears of abandonment. I had assumed, "Well, he can never leave me, so this is safe." I kept myself content with this sense of safety. We call each other "my family" and talk about how we will always be in each other's lives. I think that's out of fear on both our parts.
  
  
• It felt like the final cut that severed my ties to him. All I had left of this person I love was our closeness, our best-friend-ness, and now I don't have that. I got the worst parts of him, and he wants to give his best parts (the kisses, the patio dates in warm weather, the excitement over a new love) to someone else. I was supposed to get the rewards, because I earned them. She's spending from MY bank account.
  
  
  • I have feelings of "no one could be better for you than I was" - it's a rejection all over again as I see him choosing this new girl (and I do know why he does this - it got too deep with me, and now he needs someone with fewer expectations on him).
  
  
  
  
  
  Last night, I wrote him a note that said I'd be doing "no contact" as best I could while still living together. I packed a suitcase and stayed with a friend. It felt wonderful last night. I felt like it was the first time in our entire three years that I made a decision in MY best interest. No compromise for his needs, no fooling myself. I really want it. It's painful to talk to him about boring things like TV or the weather, it's painful to get any text from him (even neutral or caring ones), it's painful to think about him doing things with the new girl that we used to do. Everything related to him is painful and there's nothing left to get out of this relationship.
  
  My questions and challenges:
  
  (1) How can I comfort myself about his new relationship? I feel so betrayed, despite all my intellectual understanding of the situation.
  
  (2) How can I retain "no contact"-ish as we sort through money, the cat, moving? This has not been a vindictive ending, because we had ended the love relationship and agreed to work cooperatively. So it doesn't need to be a "leave in the middle of the night" sort of thing, but still, every interaction stings and I want to keep the hard line in place and keep distance until I can fully leave. If this had been a sudden break, I'd probably already be healing. I want to get to the other side without backsliding.

[Mutt]

Hi dramateacher,



I'm so sorry you're going through this. A break-up with a person with a personality disorder can be painful and confusing. You officially ended your relationship and you are living together for few more weeks until your lease runs out. I can understand how difficult it is when he said he's going on first post-break up date and reports back that he kissed her .

I can see how difficult it is when you are not given an apology or closure after all of the sacrifices that you made. I think he's not putting himself in your shoes with thinking about how you would feel if he's dating while you are still living in the same space.

I bet it was wonderful staying with a friend by putting your best interest for the first time in three years. I'm not sure that I can help with advice with how to comfort you with his new relationship while you are living together. I was counting the days until it was moving day for her , she was often out with her boyfriend. I focused my attention on the kids and shifted my attention away from her. You may want to think about staying overnight at your friends if it's a difficult day to cope with him?

Some members have stayed with their ex partners before one moves out or the lease moves out and focus your need for your time away from the situation and gradually become more boring, talk and share less.

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality Written by Joe Carver, PhD.

Many members here share similar experiences. Welcome to the family.

It helps to talk.


----Mutt

[eeks]

(1) How can I comfort myself about his new relationship? I feel so betrayed, despite all my intellectual understanding of the situation.

Have you read on this site yet about idealization/devaluation (aka "painted white/painted black"?  It always helped me to remember that whoever my uBPD ex ends up with next will have to deal with the same thing, because it is part of his disorder, part of who he is (unless he goes to therapy, and even that's not guaranteed to work).  Put differently, you are afraid the new partner is getting the best parts of him, but in my opinion it's not possible for a pwBPD to give a partner only their good stuff and keep the bad stuff hidden.  The bad will always seep out eventually.

He's undiagnosed of course but the part that matters to me is his behaviour and what I know of the dynamic of his previous relationships.  With significantly dysfunctional women, he goes on the futile quest of, if only he is loyal enough, they will return his love.  With caring women who come off as rescuers at first, like me, he idealizes them, then punishes them if they in any way fall short of the ideal he is looking for.

I believe that what happens for those of us who get involved with pwBPD is that we get "triggered" - your feeling of betrayal may indeed have something to do with your relationship with him in present time, but I believe it also brings up unresolved past issues in yourself, past losses that weren't completely grieved, low self-esteem/"what you believe you deserve in a relationship", etc.

There are debates elsewhere on this site, ":)o I really have to keep digging up the past, my childhood and my family of origin, in order to have better relationships in the present?"  People disagree but my experience has been that I do have to do that, because I have beliefs and self-limitations that were "hidden in plain sight", things I blamed myself for even though they were really attributes of my parents' unresolved traumas and consequent inadequate coping strategies and them getting triggered by my emotions and traits when I was a child.

[eeks]

Those bullet points you wrote, you sound very self-aware about your reasons for your behaviour.  I myself am still working on this, what I am about to say, but I think the lesson for people with any degree of caretaking tendencies is... .we deserve to be loved just as we are, in relationships with mutual caring and giving, but without having to "earn" or "purchase" love from others by giving them something (including creating "insurance" that they'll stay by taking care of them, which again could reflect a belief "I won't be loved just for who I am"

I also think that as you continue to make decisions that are in your best interest, discern what your needs are and take steps to get them met, whether you can do it yourself or need to ask someone, you will feel comforted, even if it is not comfort with respect to your ex and his new relationship.  (this is one I need to work on too, doing what really feels right for me, as opposed to reason, "shoulds", "that's just the way the world works", all the stuff that my parents were afraid of and I, for whatever reason, absorbed their fear, rules that are not  "what's true about the world" as they tell themselves, but reflective of their subjective experiences and how they learned to cope with them) 

[once removed]

hey dramateacher   

youve gotten great advice from mutt and eeks. the only thing id offer is about this:

"She's spending from MY bank account."

is she actually? i wasnt clear on this. is she using money of yours? imo thats unacceptable and you oughta put a stop to it.