Was it BPD or something else, How do I get over her?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello,

I just experienced my first breakup of a very serious relationship. It only lasted 2.5 years but we were engaged and living together in a house that I bought. Long story short we both had some problems before we met. The problem is I think I fell for what I refer to as an emotional bait and switch. The connection was incredible early and she was very insecure that I would leave her. (She has had many very short relationships) This lasted for about two years until shortly after my proposal when she began to experience fears of losing her autonomy. That’s when she distanced herself in the relationship both physical and emotionally until I reached a point where I realized this just wasn’t going to work. We tried couples therapy but we both dug in our heals – my desire for emotional and physical intimacy and her desire for autonomy. There were arguments over her debt, passive aggression and my caretaking codependency that I experienced with this woman. Looking at her past and scrutinizing her actions during the relationship I cant help but think she might have mild BPD but our therapist seems to think she isn't broken.  Our couple’s therapist did talk to me alone after the breakup and indicated that I would be better off finding an independent woman and indicated that my ex was financially dependent but emotionally independent.

Understanding the reason for the break up is helpful but I still feel terrible that I had to end things. I miss her very much as we naturally had many good times together like any other couple. There were times when she could be very thoughtful but other times when she was so cold and distant. I know she had a some baggage but I cant understand how she could fall in love so fast, cling to me for a while then push me away. I can’t get her off my mind, there was an unrequited longing for her during the relationship that still remains after our breakup. I still love her very much and I know she is mad that I broke things off but I think she still has feelings for me but she admits that she can’t be in a mature relationship. She said to call her in a year if I wanted to be friends.

Two months after the breakup, I texted her to see if we could meet someplace and talk things over - sort of see what direction to go in. She was understandably short with me and said she wants to be single and alone. She always told me that if this relationship didn't work out it would be her last and I'm inclined to believe her (she is 40). We are in a no contact situation right now, at least for the next year. I still love her and want to make a life with her. Do you think if we each work on ourselves that there might be a chance of having a new beginning? I started attending a codependence church group but nobody can encourage her to go but herself.  Incidentally, her father was a sponsor of a codependence group for many years, should I reach out to him?  I wonder if she will answer my call in a year. I wonder if I will want to call her in a year.

I feel paralyzed and can’t get my life in order. I can’t summon the strength to get out of the house or do much of anything when I am home. I just go to work come home and take care of my dog. I can’t afford therapy right now and I worry endlessly about my future prospects of being alone and in this state of mind. When does this pain subside and what are some simple things I can do to get her off my mind? How do I handle this pain of unrequited longing?

[Tomzxz]

Hello,

I just experienced my first breakup of a very serious relationship. It only lasted 2.5 years but we were engaged and living together in a house that I bought. Long story short we both had some problems before we met. The problem is I think I fell for what I refer to as an emotional bait and switch. The connection was incredible early and she was very insecure that I would leave her. (She has had many very short relationships) This lasted for about two years until shortly after my proposal when she began to experience fears of losing her autonomy. That’s when she distanced herself in the relationship both physical and emotionally until I reached a point where I realized this just wasn’t going to work. We tried couples therapy but we both dug in our heals – my desire for emotional and physical intimacy and her desire for autonomy. There were arguments over her debt, passive aggression and my caretaking codependency that I experienced with this woman. Looking at her past and scrutinizing her actions during the relationship I cant help but think she might have mild BPD but our therapist seems to think she isn't broken.  Our couple’s therapist did talk to me alone after the breakup and indicated that I would be better off finding an independent woman and indicated that my ex was financially dependent but emotionally independent.

Understanding the reason for the break up is helpful but I still feel terrible that I had to end things. I miss her very much as we naturally had many good times together like any other couple. There were times when she could be very thoughtful but other times when she was so cold and distant. I know she had a some baggage but I cant understand how she could fall in love so fast, cling to me for a while then push me away. I can’t get her off my mind, there was an unrequited longing for her during the relationship that still remains after our breakup. I still love her very much and I know she is mad that I broke things off but I think she still has feelings for me but she admits that she can’t be in a mature relationship. She said to call her in a year if I wanted to be friends.

Two months after the breakup, I texted her to see if we could meet someplace and talk things over - sort of see what direction to go in. She was understandably short with me and said she wants to be single and alone. She always told me that if this relationship didn't work out it would be her last and I'm inclined to believe her (she is 40). We are in a no contact situation right now, at least for the next year. I still love her and want to make a life with her. Do you think if we each work on ourselves that there might be a chance of having a new beginning? I started attending a codependence church group but nobody can encourage her to go but herself.  Incidentally, her father was a sponsor of a codependence group for many years, should I reach out to him?  I wonder if she will answer my call in a year. I wonder if I will want to call her in a year.

I feel paralyzed and can’t get my life in order. I can’t summon the strength to get out of the house or do much of anything when I am home. I just go to work come home and take care of my dog. I can’t afford therapy right now and I worry endlessly about my future prospects of being alone and in this state of mind. When does this pain subside and what are some simple things I can do to get her off my mind? How do I handle this pain of unrequited longing?

[Infared]

TomZ... .I do not have an answer for your request on how to resolve your longing... .but I can tell you that I feel the samew way. I have deep longing for the illusion of who I thought that she was... .my case is different than yours as my expwBPD ran off with another and lied to me... .but I do identify with your feelings.

The only hing that I can tell you is to attempt to keep you attention on this 24hour period. Not the past and not the future. I am not sucessful with that all the time... .but when I go into a tailspin it helps to pull me out of where my mind has gone(either into the past or the negative future).

It's OK and healthy to grieve the loss of the relationship and focus on you. I also found that I could not convince someone to change for me... .or to love me the way that I loved them.it is a very painful place to be when you feel that you loved them so, so much.

I hope that you are feeling better... .I identify and my heart goes out to you.!

[UserName69]

You should get rid of everything that reminds you of her. Delete all the emails, pm's on social media, phone texts, remove and block her on social media, remove her number, burn all the gifts she gave you.

Don't get back at her, it won't work it doesn't matter how much you love her she won't care about it. She will probably cheat on you, the only reason why she wants to stay your friend is if she meets a new guy and they have a fight she's going to use you to take revenge on him! Still being normal friends with your ex is a really bad idea I never understood people who do this. The purpose is to get over your ex and move on, staying friends with her will make things very VERY hard.

Just forget her, don't contact her. I know it's a hard thing to do but believe me the more messages you send her the better she feels. My ex spoke so badly about her ex boyfriend, she made a lot of fun about him. And I knew if she talks about her ex like this she would do the same about me when our relation ended.

You really need to forget her and move on. She doesn't deserve you, you should thank God that you never married her because your marriage would be a disaster. If I would be you I would see it as a protection from God. Would you really like to be married to someone who treats you so badly? How can you love the person who has been treating you so badly? Forget her and move on!

She said to call her in a year if I wanted to be friends.

What the heck? Is she even serious about that? Dude, she's playing with your feelings. Don't give her that joy. My ex was the same, I got over her very quick because I started to hate her and I thought a lot of all the bad stuff she did to me. I'm having the time of my life now, I have started new hobbies and I'm everyday busy. I don't think about her anymore.

I have posted this a couple times on this board and I'm going to do it again, you should keep your self busy all the time. Spend time with your buddies, start new hobbies, meet new people, go and have fun. There are so many girls on this planet who would like to spend their life with you. Once you reach that milestone you're going to realize how evil your ex is. If I can do it you can do it too!

You're a Christian so you should know the story about Job.

[once removed]

"Incidentally, her father was a sponsor of a codependence group for many years, should I reach out to him?"

i wouldnt. i dont see this being helpful to you.

"I wonder if I will want to call her in a year."

you might. but i doubt it.

"I feel paralyzed and can’t get my life in order. I can’t summon the strength to get out of the house or do much of anything when I am home. I just go to work come home and take care of my dog."

be kind to yourself. you are two months out. my relationship wasnt much longer than yours, and at two months, even five months, i was a mess. give yourself credit, though. youre able to go to work, and take care of your dog. i think given what youre going through those are not small accomplishments. its true that routine will help you over time. it may not be easy. but as youve described, you do actually have a routine. can you think of anything, even small, that you can do to add to this routine? it doesnt have to involve going out or being with other people, though ultimately thats going to help you too. 

"I can’t afford therapy right now and I worry endlessly about my future prospects of being alone and in this state of mind."

the good news is youve found this board. its not a substitute for therapy, but its certainly therapeutic. keep posting, sharing, and as youre able, help others, and youll quickly feel a lot less alone. have you considered either meds or supplements? i can recommend some supplements that were absolute life savers for me if youre interested.

"When does this pain subside" there is no clear timeline and its different for every one. obviously, time will do a lot of the work, but id encourage you to make the most of that time. its a simple concept that may not sink in at this time, but the pain subsides as you detach. you might try keeping a journal. if you were to examine it from month to month, ill bet youd see progress each month.

hang in there 

[Jack2727]

Just know there are people on here who can empathize and support you as you go through this very painful time.

How do you get over her? I will give you a couple of tips. It's not going to be easy. It going to be a process that will take time but ultimately you will get there.

- You need to separate yourself from her. If you haven't done so already, sever and block all ties on social media. Those reminders will do nothing but hurt you.

- Heal at your own pace but don't be afraid to let others into your life for support. I pretty much stayed in my place for four months after my breakup. Lick your wounds and heal.

- Find hobbies to keep your mind off of her and your situation

- Don't date: Heal up... .Don't rebound with someone

- Understand you did your best: It's hard to realize that. I know you are probably blaming yourself and dont feel very good about yourself. Understand that sometimes bad things happen to good people. You'll be stronger on the other end.

You are gonna hurt for a while. But it will get better! Keep your head up! You'll make it through!

[Arcturus81]

Information helps. I had no idea what Bpd was until my ex mentioned it close to the end of our relationship. I dismissed it at the time and paid for it later. It is damaging to non's because we legitimately believe in love. There is no defense to the infatuation that the BPD dumps on someone who doesn't understand the disorder. I myself thought that it was real and that I had finally found my one. The switch from idealization to detachment can be devastating because it doesn't make any sense to someone who feels emotions like a normal person. The longing for the emotional attachment can be the most painful thing that you can ever feel.

The best thing to do is treat it like a death of a loved one. The person you knew in the beginning of the relationship is gone. Realizing the finality of the end of the relationship is not the same as having closure but it is as close as you are going to get. Just know that your healing is dependent on how you approach your feelings. There are a number of things you can do. Most importantly you need to remember that during your darkest moments that there is hope. There are good things coming your way and there is someone out there for you. I have read success stories of people who had been through similar situations. You can get there!

[Tomzxz]

I want to thank the people at BPD family you have been very helpful these past few months.  I actually credit this site for helping me realize what I was in and what I would be in for if I stayed.  I found the article “how a borderline relationship evolves” and  “surviving a break-up when your partner has borderline personality” to be most helpful in motivating me to take action.  I considered staying and trying to improve myself to the point that her moods and spitting behavior wouldn’t have the same effect on me as when I was uneducated about the issue at hand.  But, the more I read the more I realized that this kind of life just isn’t for me.  I realized that even though I loved her very much I have more self worth then to be caretaker to a mentally ill person.  She will not seek help, I can live a life of austerity without her and don’t need her debt and poor financial decisions to be my burden too.  I realized that I deserve to be with someone that is healthier and more whole even if it takes me another twenty years to find her. 

During the last six months, I was absolutely miserable and started losing weight and hair.  The last three months I had insomnia.  I sleep a little better now but she is the last thought on my mind when I go to sleep and the first thought that wakes me up.  By taking the initiative and ending it, I was able to salvage what little self esteem I had left, it really was like dodging a bullet aimed straight at my heart.  I sit in the house now and I just think of her.  It’s hard because she left some furniture but I really think I need to sell the house, I just don’t want these memories anymore. 

These women really are something else, they create such a powerful connection in a few short weeks that would take a normal couple 20 years to develop – I can see that a break up with a person that exhibits these traits really could feel like the death of a loved one.   I say a person that exhibits these traits because I really never will know if she actually has BPD.  I did so much research and I am almost positive she does but it’s all just a moot point now.   

I want to thank everyone on this site for their warm thoughts and great advice.  Reading your stories has been very helpful in navigating the counter intuitive “loving” behavior that I witnessed from my ex.  It sounds like I’m actually one of the lucky ones because I was able to end it first before she might have had an affair (she was already having an emotional affair with a former lover turned pen pal) or caused my health to decline further to the point of giving me a terminal illness.  I will continue to read these forums and participate when I see something relevant to my experience.  I just want to give back to the people that gave so much for me and the men and women who still suffer in silence and walk on eggshells while living with a mentally ill partner.  Just remember, there is something in us that attracts these people and keeps us in these relationships longer than we should stay.  It is imperative that we adopt a healthy dose of our own selfishness and work on ourselves rather than be a doormat.

[UserName69]

Don't sell the house sell her furniture instead 

Just like Arcturus81, I never knew what pbd was. She talked often about it when we ended it I decided to get some information about BPD and bingo! Every time when she acted weird it was usually a red flag. I know she's going to stay her entire life like that which means she's never going to advance. Thats why you should improve, only with that you're going to beat her. Maybe one day when she sees you with your new partner she's going to realize what she is missing.