I know it's the disorder but sometimes I wonder if I did all I could, did I love her enough, was I attractive enough, all those stupid questions. I'm working on myself right now, but yet she is the one that doesn't have a cold bed, she moved on so quickly. Is she really happy with him? Was she really happy with me? I just don't get it sometimes, I wish the memories would stop.
Do you think the memories could simply be a natural part of grieving a loss and they will stop?
Are you working with a T?
Mutt I'm not sure the honest answer to that. I think that yes the memories will eventually stop, however I have to also be aware and not consciously bring her up in my mind.
My biggest problem right now is the rumination and comparing I'm doing with our relationship, and what she is having now. I don't know what she is doing as I don't follow her activities, just my active mind. Maybe it's the upcoming anniversary of when we moved in together, maybe it's all the changes I've been through right now and trying to adjust to being single, I'm not sure.
I listen to a lot of men self improvement podcasts, one in particular was talking about how to get over a break up. One of the questions the author posed is ":)oes this person make me a better person? Are they helping us grow together?
I know the answers to both would be no. I know that the woman I grieve is a fantasy of the nice person, but I have to accept that all the bad memories come with the good memories.
I'm also a little fearful of dating again in the future. Having a normal relationship and not feeling excited about it because the love bombing, the intensity of it will be gone compared to the BPD relationship. I could go from feeling like the most special person in the world in her eyes to just feeling like who is this person sharing the bed with me?
Maybe I was hooked on the highs, and my co-dependency caretaking ways enjoyed the lows? Enjoyed taking care of her when she was drinking, because that's what I experienced with my father? Maybe having her talk to me about her daily drama and issues sparked my caretaking ways. Not realizing that it should never have been my responsibility to fix her? Just like I shouldn't have put my happiness in her hands.
As a father I hate to admit it but I know when we were having problems I put her happiness above everything else. Maybe it's because I knew in the back of my mind that the kids weren't going anywhere, but it still doesn't make it right.
Do I miss her or do I miss the companionship? I think a little bit of both. There were things about her that were different from other woman I dated. I know I miss the affectionate bonding moments with her, but did she ever really enjoy it from me?
Was I just filling a void in her life, or was I special?